I came back to my body in a rush, gasping as true sensation returned to my limbs. I was soaked with sweat and my back was killing me. My head swam with a slight buzz, apparently that booze had been realer than I thought. Gravic the Fallhammer was in my hand.

I rolled over and stood, stretching. The defense field had dissipated, and in the center of the circle of fallen rocks was what appeared to be a sphere of dense bone the size of a fist. Fraterlex's remains. After a moment of thought, I picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket. At the very least, I could bury it, if I could burn it, that'd be great.

After a bit of looking around, I found that Celestia and Luna had left, which wasn't surprising. The sun was long set, it had clearly been several hours since I had first touched the hammer. I took this as a sign to not waste time, it's not like I need their fucking permission to explore a human ruin that by all rights belong to the humans, i.e. me.

Lex's ghost had given me directions to the Canterlot Vessel, which had been sealed after all the humans had left. It was apparently one of the largest of it's kind, built into the cliffs beside Canterlot, which were rich with gems and crystals. There were several entrances, one of which was nearby. I beelined to it.

Sure enough, a carved slab of rock that was actually a door revealed itself. It was well-hidden, if someone had just been passing by, they would have thought it was simply a section of cliff face, but Lex's ghost had pointed out what to look for; symmetrical cracks in the rock that gave it away. I touched the door, and was surprised to find a synthetic voice speaking Old Humish or whatever the fuck the pink text is.

"Welcome, Your Highness. The Canterlot Vessel is currently in security lockdown. Would you like to bypass the lockdown?"

"Um, yeah."

"Royal bypass confirmed. Warning: Primary automated security systems have been shut down due to atrophy. Secondary security systems are not capable of recognizing human beings and will attack on sight. Do you still want to proceed?"

"Great. Yeah, let's go."

"Confirmed. Please enjoy your stay."

"I'm sure I will." I sighed. Typical. The door slid open quietly, revealing a drilled tunnel going straight down and a dusty ladder attached to the side. I swung myself into the hole and began to descend, only to have the door slide shut above me, plunging me into darkness. "Great."

The voice chimed in my ear again. "Sarcasm detected. Is there a problem, Your Highness?"

"Well, it's dark as shit and it smells like something fucking died in this hole, but other than that, I'm alright."

"Sarcasm increased. Unfortunately, this facility is running on emergency power, and most illumination has been shut down, as well as the primary maintenance systems. As a result, it seems that aphotic ecosystems has formed in several of the larger chambers of the facility, which would account for the odor."

"Gross. How long is this fucking ladder?"

"The tunnel you are currently in is an emergency exit, and is one of the shorter tunnels of it's kind. At your current speed, you will reach the main service tunnel in 63 heartbeats. If you'll pardon my asking, is this your first time visiting the Canterlot Vessel? Your DNA does not match any Royal signatures in my database, and you do not seem very familiar with the facility."

"You could say that. I'm from Earth, actually, apparently I'm descended from Royals or some shit, I dunno, I wasn't fucking paying attention. I was told all of this by Fraterlex's fucking ghost, and a hammer. Are you a ghost, too?"

"I am a digital construct embedded into this vessel's systems. I am responsible for maintaining the vessel's function and aiding humans in it's operation. Is there anything in particular I can assist you with?"

My boots touched soft dirt. I couldn't smell any cave gas or anything, just the soft scent of earth and rot, so I lit my Zippo and let my eyes adjust to the light. The cavern was carved from solid stone, with broken lights set in the ceiling. Loamy soil covered the ground. The tunnel extended in either direction away from the ladder. "Where do you guys keep all the treasure? I was told there would be treasure."

"Anything valuable to be kept in the vessel would likely be near the central control chamber, in the center of the vessel. Is there a specific item you would like me to locate?"

"I was told it could activate the Earthen Meridian."

"There are no objects within my database that match that description."

"Shit. I don't know, you're the ancient computer that has all the answers, don't you have anything I can work with?"

"The First Oracle, Pithia of Delphi, was visiting the vessel when Celestia attacked human-controlled Canterlot. This was when I was told to prepare the vessel for the arrival of the human populace. I have record of her entering the vessel, but not of her leaving. It is likely that she still rests in the central control chamber as well, as she remains off my sensors, and that is one of the few areas within the vessel where I have limited surveillance."

"How does some lady's six-thousand-year-old corpse help me activate the Meridian?"

"Pithia was an Oracle, the first and most powerful of her kind. They are constructs, of sorts, similar to me, but infinitely more complex. Oracles were heavily utilized in the war against the ponies, their strategies and tactics were almost clairvoyant in their brilliance, and their knowledge in all things seemed nearly boundless. The vessel you stand in and many of it's kind were her design. If Pithia still exists, the operation of a Meridian would be a simple task for her."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing. "All I'm trying to do is activate the Earthen Meridian. I was told that what I need to do that is hidden in this vessel. I don't care what form that McGuffin takes, as long as it works. Now, please, take me to it."

"Continue down this tunnel until you reach a split, then take the left path. "

The left path took me into a larger chamber, and now I could tell where the stink was coming from. Bioluminescent plant life, indeed, it looked like Avatar and Sanctum had some hot, nasty sex in here. Smells like it, too.

Between the soft blue and white glow of the plants, the flicker of a campfire could be seen. I walked to it. Sure enough, a set of three bone-thin humanoid figures squatted in a semicircle around it. Scratch that, did I say bone-thin? I meant actual bones. They're skeletons.

I hate cliches.

"Intruder alert. Identify."

"John Salem, Onawash, Wisconsin. Uh, kneel before the king?"

"Unauthorized. Removal in progress." They were on me in less than a second, skittering like insects through the brush and latching onto me. Damn, they're fast.

"Fuck-ass!" I cried, cursing on instinct. Not my finest work, but I was distracted, so there you go. They tried to wrestle me to the ground, but they were weak as skinny children, which made me actually laugh out loud. Then, after they seemed to realize that wasn't going to work, they all pulled what appeared to be crystalline knives from within their rib cages. These knives actually gave me cause for concern, in moments I was covered in cuts on any exposed skin. I remembered Gravic.

I reached to my belt, grabbing the handle, but it slipped out and fell to the ground, and suddenly the skeletons lost their grips and smashed to the floor.

I was confused for a moment, but then I remembered, the Fallhammer. The foliage around me had folded and snapped to the ground as well. Stop, hammer time.

I picked up the hammer, breaking the spell. The skeletons remained in pieces.

"So, uh, where do I go now?"

"Utilize the personal lift at this chamber's center. It will take you to Central Control directly."

"Sweet, thanks, toots."

Author's Note

Hey, I remembered my password!

...lucky me....