Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Rarity, and Fluttershy were trekking through the Everfree Forest on their way to their mutual friend John's alleged hiding spot in the woods. Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren't coming because they actually had real jobs. The Human had become somewhat of a local legend in the past month, after returning from Canterlot with a baby dragon and failing to speak to any of them for the following week. After that, he had begun sporadically visiting town and their places of business. He'd commissioned Rarity to make him a few outfits in Human dimensions, paying her up front in Equestrian gold, but had never been in to pick them up, hence Rarity's involvement.

He'd visited the library to pick up a few books, signing up for a library card and giving his street address as, 'The woods on the trail past Fluttershy's house.' He'd been wheeling a cart of mechanical parts, wires and tubing, and apparently had even gone so far as purchasing sound equipment from Vinyl Scratch and baking supplies from Sugarcube Corner, despite the scandal that had happened shortly after he'd arrived. He'd never picked up his actual card, hence Twilight's involvement. Spike was along because he wanted to meet the dragon, and there were bugs and small animals to chase in the woods.

Fluttershy lived down the trail and wasn't going very far for this visit. She wanted to check up on Mr. Manticore and see the baby dragon. She also brought some home-made muffins. Pinkie Pie, despite her sexual assault allegations falling flat, had been seeing a trauma therapist, who had recommended that she face her attacker and reconcile with him. She had brought cookies.

As the group followed the path, they began to hear sweet music echoing through the trees, a mellow bass guitar and a charcoally voice,

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me...

They came into John's clearing, greeted by a quaint cabin resting on the hillside, and a glittering pond fed by a small creek. He had been busy in the past month; now, they knew why. He'd been settling in.

I ain't the sharpest tool in the she-ed...

The Human sat, reclined on a lounging chair beside the pond. He wasn't wearing his shirt, and his trousers had been cut off unevenly at the knees, exposing the downy hair on his legs and his misshapen, flat ankles. His dragon was curled up on his belly, and there was a glass tumbler in his hand filled with ice and off-color liquid. A dirty magazine lay over his face, and he seemed to be snoring.

"Uhm, does anyone wanna wake him up?" Twilight asked, trying to ignore the clothed mare on the front of the magazine. Her friends shook their heads, and she sighed, poking the Human in the outstretched leg with a hoof.

"Guh," He awoke, pornography sliding from his face and spilling his drink. The dragonet on his stomach rolled off with a growl, and immediately pounced on Spike, attacking him playfully. Catlike, they streaked off, screeching and chasing each other. John blinked blearily at them for a moment, then seemed to register that he wasn't alone. "Sparkly, Shy, Rares? What are you doing here? Pinky."

They looked at each other, the four of them equally disarmed. He rubbed his face and leaned up, putting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it with his little spark-box that he used to make fires. He puffed for a moment and Rarity finally found her voice. She levitated the clothes that had been her big project last week from her saddlebags, depositing them in his arms. "Well, It's good to see you, too, John, and how are you at that! I've brought the clothes you ordered. I normally don't do deliveries, but since they were such unique pieces I had to deliver them myself. I hope that the fabrics I chose are to you liking, I tried to keep your lack of fur in mind."

Twilight spoke up, also levitating something at him, a bundle of books with an envelope on top. "I brought the library card that you signed up for last week, and some of those books that you put on layaway. Some of them are in Equestrian, I didn't know you read Equestrian?"

"I didn't sign up for a-," He stopped short and corrected himself, "Oh yeah, I did do that, didn't I? I suppose you could say I took a crash course."

Pinkie picked up the basket that her and Fluttershy had shared, jumping and stacking it on top of the clothes and the books in his arms. Fluttershy was eyeing Mr. Manticore, sleeping in a hut beside the cabin. "Fluttershy made you some muffins, and Mrs. Cake wanted me to bring you these cookies."

"Well, holy crap, thanks, guys. I'm gonna take these inside, anybody want some tea or something?" He stood and walked to the house, throwing the rest of his drink and ice on the grass. They seemed hesitant to follow him. "No, yeah, come on in."

The inside of the cabin was cozy despite being scaled to human size and nearly twice the size of what they were used to. He gave them the dime tour of the two-room-one-bath, apologizing gruffly for the furniture. "I haven't been entertaining much, so I've just been kinda been doing what works for me."

They each pulled up a hewn log to the tiny table while he stoked his woodstove. The inside of the cabin smelled skunky and drying plants hung from the walls and ceiling. He started a pot of tea and got himself a fresh drink from the icebox.

. . .

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

~~2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.~~

~~3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.~~

~~4: Thou shalt not ask questions.~~

~~5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!~~

I really hadn't been expecting company. It's always only after somebody shows up at your house does one realize that they don't have real chairs. I'm feeling that pretty hard right now, all-in-all I was a bit embarrassed about my whole state of affairs, but it's not like they had any kind of standard to judge me on.

I made myself another vodka-and-lime while the tea steeped, putting the clothes and books in my bedroom. I pulled a log-chair up to the table and tried a cookie. They were still warm.

"So how's everybody doing?" I asked, immediately regretting it.

"My therapist says that I've been making progress!"

"That's good to hear, Pinky, I'm proud of you." The gossip around town was that she'd forgotten why she'd started going to therapy in the first place, and I wasn't about to remind her. Just as I'd feared, the exchange was followed by an awkward silence of the most uncomfortable variety.

Twilight cleared her throat. "So, Princess Celestia told me that you're one of her students now, too? What has she sent you to Ponyville to study?"

"Was there supposed to be a specific subject? I thought she was just giving me a dragon so we could keep in touch. Looks better on paper, I imagine, if we're somehow affiliated. Otherwise, I suppose I'm supposed to study human history on this planet."

"Well, have you made any progress?"

"I feel like I've learned everything there is to learn at this point. A lot of it seemed to be laid out pretty plainly." Sparky smiled and shook her head sympathetically, I imagined she'd been there before.

I poured the tea and encouraged the girls to have some of the goodies in the basket. It was early to be swilling vodka, but my hangover had quickly turned into hair-of-the-dog day drinking, and then a powerful nap. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, for the past two and a half weeks I had been setting up a homestead out here in the Everfree Forest, the most normal place on the planet, apparently. The cabin had been the easy part; I was exhausted all the time because my body was pulling double shifts. I would pass out, and the Oracle would hijack my body and go run her own errands, setting up equipment that I didn't know how to use and apparently library cards that I would refuse to use.

If I let you drive all the time, we'd still be sleeping under a tree. I'm trying to be productive and you are being ridiculously obstinate, particularly in assimilation of data. You are Royal, you do not need sleep.

I'd stopped responding to the Oracle verbally, after all, it was my body and I was in charge of it. If she wanted to whine in my head, that was fine.

As much as I hate to admit it, Pithia had been of great help in my transition period. From the beginning, she had diagnosed me as a habitual smoker, and more concerningly, a chronic alcoholic. In the interest of my full functionality, my new brainmate had done me a favor and found a quick way to feed my chemical addiction; the first time I fell asleep with her in my brain, on my fourth night in Equestria, I woke up in a fresh-dug basement next to a well-built distillery. A map to a large field of wild potatoes and numbered instructions on how to work the machinery were nearby.

By the sixth night, a cabin had been finished and furnished, to the point where there was tasteful art on the walls, and soap in the bathrooms. A potbelly stove had been erected in the living room and a comfortable bed beside it, and in the attic there was complex machinery fed by solar panels. Delphi explained that it was sensory and communication equipment, and I had only nodded, numb.

It was rather easy, John. You've been taught all your life to ignore what you are, and I've been spending all of mine using every resource available to me to move forward. Your bones and muscles are twice as dense as a normal Human, you can move four times as fast, and your auric abilities, when honed, have cosmic potential. Yet here you are, subsisting on a diet consisting purely of meat, alcohol, and marijuana, doing nothing but drugs and laying around all day when you could be training, raising an army, hell, you could get a real job and that would be more productive. While you stagnate getting high and drunk and wallowing, I am making steps toward claiming your rightful throne as the King of Humanity. It is my place as the Grand Advisor to make sure that everyone plays their part in Humanity's destiny, including and not limited to wasted, burned out, hick inbred trash Royalty, with all due respect, Your Grace.

I couldn't find any guns. I'd stopped trying to hang myself from the trees around here, none of them were strong enough to support my weight. The local cliff, a sheer hundred-foot drop, had only knocked the wind out of me. I might have twisted my ankle, but it healed right away. When I tried to drown myself, Pithia of Delphi would save me as soon as I lost consciousness. All of the bleach and paint thinners I could find were child-safe, somehow, and I couldn't find anything sharp enough to cut me.

If it's any consolation, you are the worst host I've ever had the displeasure of inhabiting. As amusing as they are, you futile attempts at suicide will only be met with failure. You are as immortal as they come, and you had better get used to it, kiddo.

My current plan was to drink myself to death, which had so far been pleasant, if not successful; I would awaken, hungover, to whatever task I had been given for the day by the Oracle. Instead, I would fuck off, make myself a drink and run off into the woods with my pet manticore, to kill and eat anything that couldn't get away. Usually by the fifth vodka-and-lime, it was pretty easy to pretend that my brain wasn't infested by a body-stealing parasite. Maybe my liver would give out, eventually. Mike would understand.

By all means, continue to use the gifts that I have given you to use responsibly in a manner that counteracts our mutual goal. I will continue to make progress despite you, as I have done for you, and your predecessors in eons past. I am the Oracle, Pithia of Delphi, the Sight of Sight. You are John Christopher Salem, of Onawash, Wisconsin, and you will be the King of Humanity whether you like it or not, damn you, so learn to fucking like it.

I took a long drink, finishing my glass, and tried to focus on what the ponies sitting at my table were talking about. Pinkie was talking, "-I was thinking of bringing Charlie along, who where you bringing along, John?"

"Huh?"

Pinkie turned to Rarity, "Oh, you didn't invite John, yet?"

Rarity finished chewing her bite of cookie before speaking, dabbing her mouth telikinetically with a napkin. "I would have invited you, darling, but I don't know how to get a hold of you all the way out here, you don't have a mailbox out here, do you?"

Twilight shook her head, glancing out the window and saying matter-of-factly, "I don't think you do. If you want to get mail, you've got to go to the post office and apply for a mailbox."

Rarity poured herself and Fluttershy cups of tea, and seemingly unconsciously, started another pot with her magic, helping herself to the leaves. She told me, "You're allowed to bring a plus-one if you'd like."

I blinked, still not understanding. "What?"

Rares shook her head patiently, realizing I hadn't been paying attention. "I was wondering if you'd like to come to my Nightmare Night party on Friday? It would be a great opportunity to socialize, rather than hiding out here in the woods."

"Oh, right. I'd love to come, Rares. Nightmare Night, what is that, like, Halloween? Friday, October 31st? Should I wear a costume? I don't have anything made up, it's kinda short notice."

"Twilight said you might not be familiar with Nightmare Night, so I took the liberty of making you a costume. I'm surprised, do you have a similar tradition on Earth?"

"Yeah, it's called Halloween, or All Hallows Eve if you're a cunt. Kids get free candy, adults get drunk and fuck. Basic holiday stuff," My guests looked at each other and I realized that I might be coming off as slightly rude due to drunkenness. I changed the subject, "What kind of costume did you make?"

"Oh, we'll keep it a surprise, shall we?" She held out her teacup for me to clink, and I did, and the Fluttershy got to talking about her costume, and we all listened politely. We all talked like friends for almost two hours, and as the sun was getting low, the ponies bid their goodbyes, Twilight calling for Spike as they left. I sent them each away with a dime bag of my best "tea," and a bottle of John's Finest, the latest batch that had actually been palatable. Scarlet returned to me, out of breath but happy, and I was feeling a lot of that friendship that they were always talking about on the show.

"Spike, Spike!" She said, parroting, as she had begun to do lately. I Imagine she'll be up to sentences by this time next week. To give her something to do, I decided to pen a quick letter to Celestia. I went to the desk in the corner of my cottage, and using a half-sheet of the same thin, specialty paper that I had been rolling with, and a ballpoint pen from the bank, I scrawled in what I hoped was hard-to-read script:

Most beloved Sunbutt,

I hope that you are well. Despite your numerous warnings, I continue to peddle poison to your people in the form of mind-altering substances, such as quickly-distilled potato vodka and schwaggy ditch weed. My army of dissidents grows every day, and I have a dastardly plan to hit up the party that Rarity has offered in hopes of ever further reaching my clutches into your hypothetical pudding bowl. Also, enclosed is one marijauna cigarette, sent in hopes of you chilling the fuck out.

Your most hated nemesis,
John C. Salem Jr.

I signed it and taped a marijauna cigarette to the bottom, rolling it into a scroll-like tube and taping it. I lit a second cigarette, calling my little wyvern to my side, "Scarlet! Torchy, torchy!"

I tossed the scroll and she ignited it, putting it up in smoke in a fraction of a second. The smoke drifted quickly out the door, and I followed it, intent on a quick bath in the creek. I padded down the hill beside the cabin in my bare feet, coming to a stop by the creek bed. There was something in the water.

The serpent swam to the shore, crawling up on mismatched legs. The lizard-thing that had tried recruiting me for some bullshit the first week I'd arrived. I'd honestly forgotten about him. "What do you want?"

"You've been doing very well blending in, John, but now is the time for action. I have a task for you, should you-"

I Interrupted him, "I'm gonna have to stop you right there, dude. I'm not doing any stupid tasks for any fucking body, I thought I made that clear last time. I don't need your help and I don't need your snakey ass coming around here all the time and bugging me about dumb shit."

He seemed offended, and rightly so, I'd been trying to offend him. "John, I suggest you mind your tone. I have powers beyond your understanding-"

"Well, why don't you go run your own fucking errands, then, dickface, and get off my dick while you're at it!" I had had enough of his shit. Focusing my mind, I called Gravic from inside the house to my hand. Tearing through wood and mortar, the Fallhammer came to me, and I swung it over my head, aiming for the fucking lizard. To my surprise, I found my target, crushing his little snake body into the dirt.

He spat blood, eyes pitiful, "Why, John, why did you kill me?"

I spat on him. "I don't need a reason to kill you."

He smiled. "Good, because I'm not dead, and your rebuke is noted."

He disappeared in a puff of smoke. I shook my head, and for once, the Oracle had nothing to say. I took a bath in the creek and went inside and had a nightcap, reading by the light of my stove. When I fell asleep, my body stood and went about it's nightly rounds under the Oracle's control, but I dreamed of my home, and of my family. As much as it hurt to dwell on the past, it was the only thing keeping me going, now.

Author's Note

Is Shrek still a relevant meme? I like to think that Shrek is still a relevant meme.