Celestia had just finished lowering the Sun, and was settling down to read a report, when a scroll from one of her students appeared from the fireplace. Her expectant smile quickly turned into a frown when she realized it was from John. The frown deepened as she read it. She plucked the cigarette from the page with her magic, going to her desk and getting a quill and parchment.

John,

I'm sure that these sort of shenanigans are hilarious on Earth, but from one ruler to another, I must ask that you stop this. I am a busy mare, if you don't have anything important to tell me concerning the well-being of the country, or a development in your studies of Humanity, do not send me a letter.

Your generous hostess,

Celestia

P.S. Luna said she was invited to Rarity's party, as well! What, was my invitation lost in the mail?

She tossed the letter derisively into the fire, going to the door to dismiss her guards. "Could I get some privacy, please?"

"What's wrong, Your Highness?

The guard's concern was heartwarming, but unneeded. It wasn't a good habit for him to be questioning her. The Princess answered sarcastically, "I just thought I'd have myself a little pee on the rug, and your presence is making it hard to get a stream going. Go get some coffee, colts, and be back in an hour."

Her scathing reply had the effect she intended; Her guards looked at each other, bowed to her, and made a hasty retreat. She went to the window and opened it, putting the cigarette to her lips and lighting it with her magic. Then she went back to reading her reports.

A few minutes later, a reply belched itself from the fireplace.

Dear The Princess,

Yeah, sorry about all the spam, I've just been bored all week. I know that I've failed to mention this, but there's this shady dude that has been bothering me ever since I got here, trying to get me to help him do some shady shit; He wanted me to steal Chaos Crowns from you. I didn't listen to him because I really had better shit to do, but just now, when he was bothering me, I smashed him with my big, black hammer, and he just sat there and took it. Now he knows I'm not on his side. I thought that I could take him on or possibly ignore him, but I'm starting to become concerned that this is out of my field of expertise. I'm gonna draw a picture of him on the back of this.

Let me know what you think,

John

P.S. Would you like to be my plus-one?

Celestia read the letter, her frown deepening until she got to the post-script, then she smiled. She flipped to page over, looking at the drawing, nearly burning a hole in the carpet when her jaw dropped. The she flipped the page over a second time, reading the post-script again and smiling. She grabbed her quill and wrote a second letter.

John,

I wish you would have brought this to my attention sooner; We could have coordinated costumes. As far as Deceit, he is a Draconequus, one of several who have been thorns in my side for thirty thousand years. His elder brother, Discord, was freed from his stone prison last month, we've been dealing with magical fallout ever since. It's likely that he may have freed some or all of his siblings during his time in control of Ponyville. I will have Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony deal with him, should he show his face again. Contact me again with details about the party, but later, I'm trying to get some work done.

Your Princess,

Celestia

She tossed the letter into the fire, forsaking her reports for the moment and going to the window. Luna would return soon from raising the moon, it hung low still in the sky, the night young. She puffed for a while, enjoying the mellow, organic buzz. Perhaps she would go flying, she'd ask her sister if she'd like to come.

She was interrupted in her stargazing by a streak of light cutting across the sky. She frowned again; Luna hadn't scheduled a meteor shower. The shooting star cut in a parabola across the night, flying backward at high speed and impacting hard into the Everfree Forest, catapaulting chunks of eden and arboreal debris for nearly a mile in every direction. Celestia's jaw dropped, her cigarette falling to the floor, and burning a hole in the carpet.

For some reason, her thoughts went to John. No, there's no way... but still...

The Princess of the Day dashed out onto her balcony, leaping over the railing and catching her weight on her wings. She had a bad feeling about this. She had to know for sure.

Then she looped back around and picked the cigarette up, so that her quarters weren't aflame when she returned.

. . .

I was catching some decent Zs in the back of my own mind, while my body sat on a log, watching a screen and taking notes. I felt the Oracle get really excited about something, disturbing me from my sleep and her from her notes. I awoke with a clipboard and pen in my hands and a fading buzz.

"Aww, damn it."

Aww, damn it.

I hate you so much.

"I hate you so much."

For once we're in agreement. I know that you like to take your time fucking around and generally making an obstacle of yourself, but we really need to make preparations for impact.

Yeah, you and your preparations. I went downstairs and made myself a drink, checking my dragon-mail. Scarlet was up, as she was many hours of the day and night, a habit she must have learned from me, but there was a scroll by her little basket-bed. I opened it, reading as I took large sips of my screwdriver and trying to tune out the parasite. I went to my desk, about to write a nonsense reply, when Delphi stopped me. Tell her about the draconequus, Deceit. It is important that she know he's pursuing you. That will just bring the heat down on us. The draconequi are an integral part of this planet's magical ecosystem, it won't do you any good meddling in nonhuman matters. Yeah, fine, I wrote the letter, even drawing a picture on the back. To fuck with her, I invited her to the party on Friday as my plus-one. I called Scarlet, "Scar, baby girl! Daddy needs his torch!"

"Torch! " She called back, running up from the basement. She loved burning stuff, my little pyromaniac, "Burn!"

I tossed her the letter and she incinerated it, then she ran for the door, informing me, "Gotta go! Gotta go!"

I opened the door for her, because she didn't have arms, and she ran for the woods to take a shit. She came back with a scroll in her jaws. I took it, praising her, "Good girl. Did you wipe?"

The look in her little red eyes told me no. "Go wipe."

I read the letter while she ran back to the woods. To my horror, Celestia had accepted my invitation, telling us nothing in the letter that the Oracle apparently hadn't already known. I was surprised that apparently Twilight and her friends were some kind of magical superheroes; It really seemed to me like they didn't get out much. Scarlet returned, clean and full of energy, so I tossed the letter with the others and went back upstairs to check on the Oracle's shit, finally.

You've already wasted far too much time. Our window is closing fast, and you need to move. According to my scanners,
impact will be in ten and a half minutes time. What impact? Why is this so important?

In ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds, a shipping drone full of contraband is going to break ground ten miles northeast of here, we don't have time for your questions, you need to move your ass or you're going to be feeling the 'heat' that you're so worried about. Alright, fine. I looked at Scarlet.

Yes, you can bring the fucking wyvern, but if you drag your ass any more, Equestrian authorities are going to impound my communications equipment and Celestia will blame you for endangering their airspace. Whatever, I can run a half-minute mile. I put on my jacket, calling to my dragon as I left the cabin. "Scarlet, uppy."

"Uppy!" She cried, taking her favorite place on my back, hooking her feet in my belt and her wing claws over my shoulders, looping her neck over my shoulder to watch the path as I ran in the direction the Oracle indicated. It was only about three minutes in did I realize that I'm quite out of shape, this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. High school track had been a long time ago. I paused a moment to catch my breath when the fucking thing came streaking by overhead, impacting another two miles down the path. Even here, many trees had broken branches, some had been snapped at the roots as I got closer. Still winded, I kept running, reaching the crash site just as my vision was starting to blur. Call Gravic before you pass out, I'll need it.

"Naw, I'm good," I said, calling the Fallhammer to my side as I inspected this 'shipping drone". The crater was rather small for such a large object, the drone itself was hilariously unadorned, shaped like a rounded bullet and dirty gunmetal grey, about the size of a minivan. I stuck Gravic to the side like a fridge magnet, and he seemed to understand my intent, lowering the weight of the capsule to nearly nothing so I could move it out of the still-smoking crater. Just move it out of the crater and into the woods a ways. I shifted the drone into the woods, pulling my hammer from the side and dropping it to the forest floor I was directed to a panel on the side, burning myself on the still-hot metal as I opened it to a switchbox-like set of levers. I hit the one I was told to, and the surface of the drone shimmered, becoming transparent. Some kind of cloaking field.

Now, go get a rock. Any one will do. I did so, finding a decent-sized one in the woods, returning to the crater. Drop it in the crater, there's your meteor. There's no way she's gonna believe that.

I did it, anyway, not really caring either way. I tossed the rock into the center of the crater. Just as I did this, Celestia herself appeared at the edge of the wood, face incredulous. "John?"

I pointed at the rock I had just dropped, trying our luck. "Well, there's your problem."

. . .

Celestia joined John at the lip of the crater, looking in.

"That's it?" she asked, incredulous.

"I think so, I don't know. It seems kinda cold, doesn't it?"

"It doesn't look like any meteor I've ever seen." She picked up the rock in her magic. It was gray and shaped a little like a wide doorstop. She eyed him suspiciously. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"Well, it wasn't my idea to bring flaming rocks down from the sky," he answered, and it sounded like he was being honest. She inspected the rock again, it was cool and gray, lacking pits or defects, by all appearances it was an ordinary weathered forest stone. She almost tossed it into the trees in frustration. Teleporting it back to her personal chamber instead, she turned to the Human, "What are you doing here?"

"Same as you, I imagine, checking out the crash site. It kinda happened right on my doorstep." He pointed to the smoldering crater, eyeing where the meteorite had been. "You sure teleporting that thing around is safe? It might have, like space radiation on it, or something."

"It might be a living creature, or a message, or an evil, malevolent entity bent on conquering the planet, either way, It's definitely not normal. As if I don't have enough on my plate without mysterious missiles falling from the sky." John must have picked up on her frustration, because when she looked back at him, his eyebrow was elevated, and there was a concerned look on her face. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth from a wooden case, lighting it and asking her,

"You alright?" The lines of his mouth and beard were lit up with soft red-orange glow, and a horrible memory resurfaced; Human faces, twisted in anger, faces lit by buildings burning, her home going up in flame. As quickly as it came, it went, leaving her only with a strong feeling of loss and sadness. Fear. It was all starting over again, and with all the time she had spent preparing, thousands of years of patience and personal sacrifice, here it was, time again to fight her old enemy. Nearly a month ago, Discord had returned, and by himself, had turned her kingdom nearly upside down, literally in some cases. Waves of Chaos magic had rolled from Ponyville like thunderstorms for nearly three days straight, the Guard struggled to contain the worst of the fallout, but even Canterlot and the Palace had been affected. The Princess had taken a big risk entrusting the Elements to Twilight and her friends, but it had been a risk that had paid off tenfold. Luna had been returned to her, the Nightmare Moon spirit exorcised from her with little injury.

The girls had almost been consumed by Discord's power. Returning Twilight's letters had been a last-ditch effort on Celestia's part before intervention, and she shouldn't have let it go that far. How she would have stopped him without the Elements was a mystery to her, she and Luna together had been defeated and nearly killed without their power.

The Elements were designed to overload the target with Harmony magic, essentially killing them with kindness. Discord's punishment was proof of his hazard; The only way to stop him without ending his life outright was to freeze him forever in a stone prison. His return was proof he could escape, and it seemed he had freed his brothers and sisters from Tartarus, now as well. Things just kept going from bad to worse, and they had been for centuries, now.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," She replied, though she badly wished she was home at the palace, or that Luna was here to comfort her. John might have believed her or might have not, instead changing the subject,

"Do you... want a drink? I could show you my house."

Something about his offer sounded oddly appealing. She was curious about how John had been living these past few weeks. He had been keeping an annoyingly thorough correspondence since they had parted ways, but it was difficult to tell how much had been genuine updates, and how much had been random nonsense generated by the unstable mind of a lone human living in the woods. "I think I do. Lead the way, John."

He nodded tersely, puffing on his cigarette. The path was long, a nearly ten-mile hike back to his house, and Celestia briefly considered how fast he must have run to make it to the crash site before her on foot. Timber wolves circled them just outside their line of sight, but Celestia could hear them and taste their Chaos magic on the wind. They didn't come any closer; An Alicorn and a Royal Human walking together was more than a challenge for common forest predators. When they reached the cabin, she appraised it briefly with a professional eye; good location near the stream, high on the hill for better views, the roof had been panelled well, and despite the hammer-sized hole in the wall, the home appeared newly-built and still well-maintained. It was somewhere that Celestia would have liked to live, if she were not a Princess. "You keep a gorgeous home, John Salem."

"Thanks, toots. I can't take all the credit, though." He opened the door for her while his wyvern streaked from the edge of the woods, following quickly after her. He pulled up a hewn log for the Princess, apologizing softly for the lack of furniture. "I have maybe one actual chair, and it's upstairs."

He made them both transparent drinks in glass tumblers. Wary, she sniffed the glass. It smelled tangy and clearly alcoholic. "John, when you said 'drink,' I thought you perhaps meant water, or tea."

He had gone to the icebox, smoke mixing with condensation as he peered inside. "That's because you don't know me very well, though I could see how you would think that. I'd have to make some tea, otherwise I've got water, juice, milk..."

"Just a glass of water will be fine, thank you." She said, sipping the vodka-and-lime. It was tart, with a lot of sour to mask the starchy flavor. It wasn't bad. "You know, there's been a prohibition on ingestible alcohol in Equestria for nearly three hundred years."

John was looking at her ear, ignoring her words. He pointed, "Were you actually smoking that?"

With her magic, she reached behind her ear and found, to her surprise, the cigarette she'd started earlier, tucked away still. Holding it up, she shrugged and admitted, "You sent it in hopes of it helping me chill the fuck out. Here I am, chilling the fuck out."

They shared a chuckle, her laughing at his silly-sounding Human swearword, him laughing at a Princess cursing. She sipped her vodka, accepting the glass of water graciously as she stuck the cigarette in her mouth again. John pulled out his lighter, sparking it for her. "Lemme get that for you."

He stuck a second joint in his mouth, giving him the appearance of some kind of tusked beast as he smoked each of them from the corners of his maw. He caught her looking and made a funny face, making her giggle again. Then he smiled, for one of the first times she could remember. He began digging in his drawers for something. "I feel like cards. You wanna play some cards? If I can find 'em..."

She cast a Find-It spell, producing a deck of cards from his cupboard with her telikinesis. "How about Poker? There's only two of us, but I'll deal first."

"You read my mind, Princess." He sat at the table, putting on his jacket and sunglasses and grinning around his pair of smokes. He picked up a sack of Equestrian bits laying on the floor, seemingly for Scarlet to play with, setting them on the table, "Can't play poker without chips. I can cover your bets if you didn't bring cash."

"Please, John. I am a Princess, after all." She ashed her joint in the tray on the table as she pulled out her own sack of bits. Dealing each of them three cards, and putting four on the table for a game of Four Chairs, she put up fifty bits in a ten-bit stack.

"Oh, come on, Princess! First time in millennia that you've got a chance to beat a Human, and you're playing like you're gonna lose." The Human counted two ten-stacks of ten-bit coins, sliding them next to the ashtray into the pot. Celestia smirked and took his call, counting out another ten-stack of fives and one of tens. "That's more like it, high stakes for your Highness."

Celestia flipped the four cards on the table and John played a terrible hand, pair of twos, Celestia taking the round with a three pair. She let the pot ride, and John raised to five-hundred bits, shuffling the deck and dealing. She called, flipping the cards on the table and losing, two-pair to straight. John let the pot ride again, and Celestia raised another hundred bits, John calling and losing, flush to straight flush. Celestia took the pot the time, and when John's next bet came in at two-hundred bits, she called and folded, grinning and sipping her drink. This was fun.

John lost the next hand. "I told you you had a chance to beat me for once; I've got a terrible poker face."

Celestia conjured a pair of shades for her face, sliding more bits into the pot and stubbing her roach out in the ashtray. "Raise a hundred. I don't suppose you've got another cigarette to offer a lady, John? My beverage is getting rather low, as well."

John laughed, getting up to fetch one and to freshen her drink. "Always a pleasure... Celly? Tia? You've got one of those names that you can't nick, Princess."

She lost the next round, smiling when he let the pot ride and raised it. "Either of those, but I've always preferred Tia for some reason."

He finished his own drink and one of his darts. "Yeah, 'Cel' or 'Celly' is kinda weird."

They continued like this, playing and talking, mostly about trivial things. John complimented her on the state of her country, how accepting her people had been of him, and this warmed her heart. She often worried for her people , indeed, despite her best efforts, there was still suffering in Equestria; but as he told her this, she realized how odd and backward Earth must be for him tot have turned out this way. Despite this, John gave her an odd sense of hope for herself that she hadn't realized had been gone from her life.

"John?" She asked him, briefly stopping the conversation and taking her glasses off.

"Yeah?" He took his own off, too, but not looking at her, instead focusing on his cards.

"I'm sorry that I killed your ancestors. I'm sure that that makes you uncomfortable to a degree."

He took a long drink from his glass, finishing it and standing to make himself another, then taking a long pull from that. "It's okay, honestly. More than anything, I'm sorry my ancestors killed your parents."

She wondered how he knew that, but decided not to push it. "Thank you for forgiving me, John."

"Hey, what's past is past," he said quietly, and she gratefully allowed him to change the subject.

She had learned from Twilight that John had been orphaned as a young adult, his parents killed very violently and pointlessly, as hers had been, and that he still bore the mental weight of their deaths, as she did. It was clear that he had seen no shortage of heartbreak and conflict, but even now he persevered, finding pleasure in small things. His tenderness with his baby dragon bespoke his true nature; John Salem was a hard, bitter man, riddled with bad habits and demons, but he wasn't a bad one.

As she sat across from him, playing a game of cards, watching him laugh as she took his money, she thought, It wouldn't be so bad, to be friends with him. She had once wielded three of the Elements of Harmony, she knew of friendship and its power, where Chaos seeped and creeped, corrupting, Harmony flooded and exploded, cleansing and renewing. Humanity and Ponydom had been great allies, once, they had given each other gifts that could never be forgotten. It could all be again what it once was, all she had to do was start it, here and now.

These thoughts buzzed in her head, along with a liter of vodka, as she left the cabin almost two hours later, bidding the Human goodbye. She had long ago felt the effects of the alcohol loosening her tongue. "I had a good time , John. A better time than I've had in a long time."

"I'm glad to hear it. I haven't been entertaining much, lately. It's good to know I haven't lost my touch."

"Indeed you haven't. I look forward to spending more time with you. See you Friday?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, the party. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm glad to hear it." He opened the door for her, ever the gentleman, and as she sauntered past him, she paused, turning to lean up and kiss him on the forehead. "Bless you, John the Human,"

She leapt out the door and into the sky, swooping drunkenly and giggling like a schoolfilly.

Before beginning the long flight back to Canterlot, she stopped at Rarity's boutique, not really expecting her to answer at the late hour. Hopefully that would give her some time to sober up a bit; she accidentally clipped Mr. Withers awning with a wingtip as she passed Twilight's library. Trying the knocker on the door, she found herself surprised when Rarity could be heard calling from upstairs in sing-song, "Coming~"

Rarity opened the door, wearing a pink, lacy nightgown. She looked surprised to see her. "Princess, Oh my stars, forgive me, I'm in no state for this,"

"No, please, forgive me, it's far too late, but I was in town and I wanted to ask you about something." Entering the boutique, the Princess noticed there were crops and bridles scattered about on the floor. She cleared her throat, trying to ignore them and stick to business. "I heard from John that you made him a costume for your Nightmare Night party. He invited me along as his plus-one, if you don't mind."

"Of course not, Your Majesty, I would have invited you myself, only I thought you were probably very busy." They sat together on the couch. "I'm sure you know how parties can get, invite two friends, and they invite two friends, and they invite two friends, pretty soon you don't know who's invited and who isn't."

"Yes, of course." She didn't, but breezed past the subject, setting the bag of bits she'd won from John on the coffee table. "What I meant to ask you about was John's outfit; I'd like to commission a costume, as well. If it's not too short notice. Matching John's, if possible, as we're going together."

Rarity ogled the hefty sack of cash, glancing at her calendar, "By Friday, yes, I imagine I could fit that in. I'm glad you're coming, Princess, I was worried you might feel left out, after hearing that Princess Luna was attending. She's Twilight's plus-one, in case you didn't know."

"Well, you imagined correctly that my sister and I are very busy mares, but we do have to have fun every once in a while, yes?"

"Yes, of course you do, Princess! I couldn't imagine you doing without," As if to punctuate this, there was a knock on the door. "Coming~"

"Oh, were you expecting company?"

Rarity gave the Princess an apologetic look. "Sweetie's at the Apples tonight, so I'm... entertaining."

She opened the door, revealing a young, grey colt in a red vest. He greeted her, "Hey, Rares, I brought some sparkling wine."

He noticed the giant, white mare on the couch. "I thought role-play night was on Thursdays... Oh my gosh, that's actually the Princess! Is she here for the orgy, too?"

Rarity ushered Celestia out the door, face going pink. "If by 'orgy,' you mean 'book club,' then no, I'm afraid she was just leaving."

Just as she did, a male voice could be heard calling from upstairs, "Rarity? Who are you talking to down there? I'm going soft, and these shackles are starting to chafe."

The Princess bid Rarity a polite goodnight, heading back to the Palace. She hadn't sobered up at all; her iron will only managing to contain her laughter until a bit past the town limits. When she arrived back at the Palace, Luna was in her quarters, inspecting the rock on Tia's bed.

"Tia!" She cried, as her sister stumbled on the edge of the windowframe, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, sister. Just a bit... tired." She flopped on her bed next to the stone.

"Drunk, you mean. Where have you been all night?" Luna scolded, trying to be stern but sounding curious, instead.

"Oh, let me tell you about it, sister," She said, launching into her tale. This was one of the reasons she had missed Luna during her banishment; She was such a great listener, and was truly the only other pony on the planet who understood her pain and humor.

Luna shook her head, eyeing the 'meteorite,'; shooting stars were her specialty. "Well, that stone is definitely not a meteorite. I think John was lying to you, he has something to do with it."

"Oh, I know he's lying to me. He really is terrible at it, I told you I spurred his flanks in poker? I'm going to let him keep lying to me, because he thinks I believed him."

"Why would you do something like that?" Luna asked. Celestia peeked at her sister over her pillow, smiling devilishly.

"I think I fancy him," She answered, squealing like a schoolfilly.

. . .

"See you Friday?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, the party. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."

I considered suicide again as Celestia kissed me on the forehead and flew off, chortling at my expense. There was a big sturdy oak on the cliffside over Fluttershy's I could try hanging myself from. I'd look pretty neat silhouetted against the sunset. Scarlet was a big dragon, now, she could take care of herself. Scarlet is a wyvern, and stop killing trees with your pointless suicide attempts. I finished the rest of my drink, trying to poison the parasite within. Oh cheer up, old buddy, I've got something that will turn that frown upside down.

Apparently, this something required me to hike ten and a half miles back to the crater. At least I didn't have to fucking run this time, two joints and I was there. I'm glad that the forest denizens had learned to avoid me for the most part, after killing the basilisk my first week here, I had quickly replaced it as the apex predator in that section of the forest. The fucking wood wolves were annoying, but I had fire.

The crater still smoldered a bit, but was no longer fresh. I still can't believe she bought that. It doesn't matter if she bought it or not, she's going to spend time figuring it out either way. Deniability causes distraction, distraction buys time.

Delphi directed me to the place where we had hidden the drone, and to the switchboard on the side. Turn the cloak off, it's killing the battery. I did, and began the long, arduous hike back to the cabin, sticking Gravic to the side to lower it's weight again. Good thing I brought a lot of weed. Why did we go through all this trouble for this piece of junk? Where did it come from?

This is an automated shipping drone, hailing from Druidia, a human-controlled planet two parsecs from here. It was on a course for Talkahn, a planet that is under siege by military forces from Druidia. Using the equipment in the attic, I hacked into it's faster-than-light navigation systems and redirected it here, because it is carrying communications equipment that will allow us to contact Earth. Did you say human-controlled? Contact Earth? Yes, that is what I said. The sliver of humanity that exists on Earth is but a fraction of the great empire that once existed all across this quadrant of space-time. They have fallen into disrepair and ruin, infighting as their leadership has broken down over these past millenia. That is one of many reasons that you must become the King of Humanity. We are a powerful, wise race, but we can only reach our true potential when we are united.

Contact Earth? Contact Mike? Yes, John, we can contact your brother, as well. If I am right, and I always am, there will be sects of humanity on Earth that remember our former glory, and our history on Eden. Hell, somebody might remember me, specifically. I will contact them and they will likely be able to get you in touch with your brother, but only after we cannibalize this piece of junk for the quantum-linked isotope inside.

Well, that's definitely awesome and everything, thanks a pant load, but that's not the only thing in here, right? It's awful big for a fancy radio. No, the drone is designed to ship war materiel: weapondry, vehicle parts, communications equipment; enough to outfit an orbital-drop squad for prolonged combat.

So, what is this like, breaking into dad's gun cabinet, or taking firecrackers away from toddlers?

Well, metaphor is a poor way of summing up such a complex situation, but suffice it to say; We need the materiel more, and they're just gonna hurt themselves or someone else with it. The drones are designed to be replaceable, that's why they're not manned. They'll receive a malfunction report, and by the time this one is missed, another will be on it's way. The Druidians will continue to fight their pointless war with the Talkahns until it ends in tragedy,
as all wars do. Firecrackers from toddlers, then. Yeah, John, if that's what you have to tell yourself.
Now, crack this puppy open.

I set the craft down beside the cabin, flipping the switch on the panel that I was told. There was a softpop as the vacuum seal was compromised. Refrigerate after opening, I thought. At the Oracle's direction, I removed the first panel and began going through the contents. The part that Delphi wanted was a black, plastic box about the size of a suitcase, the communications array, containing the precious quantum-linked isotope.

She was right, as always, packed away in plastic cases were small arms to outfit a squadron of human soldiers, five, brushed-aluminum carbines of some sort, and three double-action revolvers of the same material. Oddly, both kinds of weapons took the same bullets: Rounded, ceramic slugs in a caseless firing cap. The carbines loaded from the top and looked like they could hold a lot of rounds. There were a lot of fucking bullets, almost half of the space on the fucking thing was taken up by tub after tub of these goofy-ass caseless bullets for these goofy-ass toy-looking aluminum guns. I could hardly fit my fat sausage fingers through the little trigger holes.

The body armor was too small, I didn't even bother trying it on. Maybe I'd string it together barbarian-style later, but for now I moved on to the last portion of the shipment, and this was the one that really made it all worth it to me. Under plastic covers, were the most beautiful pair I had ever seen in my life; Two, gorgeous, aluminum-block, 8-cylinder V-twins. According the directions, the shell of the drone was meant to be re-purposed into paneling for a small, five-man land vehicle, the finished product in the back of the manual looking very much like a smoothly-armored dune buggy.

What do we say when people get us presents, John?

"Thank you, Delphi." I droned obediently as I got to work.

My God, I had been getting so sick of walking everywhere.

. . .

The Palace break room was quiet, empty but for two of the Guard. Pauldron and Lance had been given an odd respite from their boring guard duty: Twenty minutes into the shift, Celestia had dismissed them both, claiming want for privacy and telling them to be back in and hour, by which time their two-hour guard shift would be half over. Lance sat at the table, eating an egg-salad sandwich, while Pauldron waited for the microwave to finish cooking his pot pie.

Pauldron looked at Lance, eyeing the sandwich. "Since when do you eat egg salad?"

"Since I found this in the fridge."

"Dude, that's probably Hauberk's. She's gonna be pissed when she finds out that you ate her sandwich."

"Well she's not gonna find out it was me, because the only ones who know are me and you, and I'm not going to tell her, and I know you aren't either, because Hauberk is a sour cunt, and I'm pretty sure she's the one who put that old egg in your locker that one time."

"That was her? That was messed up. What's up with that bitch and eggs?"

"I don't know, I think she has chickens or something?"

Pauldron checked his pot pie again. Five minutes to go. He grabbed the other half of the sandwich.

"Hey!" Lance protested.

"Consider it a bribe for keeping my mouth shut."

"Well, can I have some of your pot pie?"

"Look at you, haggling with a sandwich that ain't yours. What, you didn't bring a lunch?"

"Well, I didn't really expect a second break in the middle of my shift, we don't all keep food here, you know."

"That's because you eat it. What do you think was the Princess's deal, anyway?"

"Oh, she was definitely jilling it."

"That's what I thought, but I didn't wanna say so out loud."

"Oh yeah, for sure beating her meat. Now give me some of your fucking pot pie."

"Stop it, it's not done yet! There's gonna be cold spots!"

Author's Note

I just want it all to be ogre