I dreamed. I haven’t dreamed since my parents were killed.

I’m home. My real home, my childhood one, not the dingy apartments I’ve been spending my mid-twenties in. I’m home, and everyone I love is there.

My Dad was in the kitchen, washing the dishes, his tanned, calloused fingers contrasting with the white bubbles. At six-foot-ten and with black eyes, black hair and the build of a 60’s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger, he was an intimidating man. Despite this, he was soft-spoken and kind-hearted, I can’t remember a single time in his life that he raised his voice.

When the semi T-boned them at ninety miles-per-hour, he’d attempted to shield my mother with his body.

My Ma was in the kitchen as well, wearing her favorite apron and stirring a pot of potato soup. She was a petite woman whose golden blond hair I’d inherited. She always wore a constant smile and was the best cook in the world, as far as I’m concerned. Her tiny, perfectly manicured hands were somehow capable of propelling a mixing spoon at Mach 2 if you tried to taste something before it was ready. She’d been talkative and bouncy, and I still blame her for my Canadian accent.

As a result of Dad shielding her in the crash, she’d remained conscious for two and a half minutes after the collision, paralyzed below the waist and fighting a punctured lung.

Mon pépé, my grandfather. He and my grandma immigrated to Canada from France back when they were teenagers, and he refused to speak English in his house until the day he died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of seventy-eight.

Ma mémé, my grandma. She taught me French when I was a kid, a little bit at a time. This came in handy a decade later when she developed Alzheimer's and forgot how to speak English. She also forgot that my dad was dead and didn’t have blond hair. Other than Mike, she’s the only surviving member of my family.

Mike was in the dining room with his fiancee, I mean, wife, Ariel, perched in his lap. I can’t believe the wedding was already six months ago. I also can’t believe he made me best man. Ariel is nice, though. I don’t know her too well, so I’ll have to trust Mike’s judgement. As I walked through the house, warm nostalgia washing over me, my family turned and smiled at me, one by one. They didn’t speak, but I could sense their happiness. I closed my eyes, bathing in it.

I felt a strange presence. I turned around.

There she was. A woman I’d never seen before. Her hair was red like fire, her eyes as green as grass in the springtime. She had a cute little pixie face to match her pixie haircut, and was dressed in a thin summer dress. She was barefoot. She smiled at me and held out her hand.

I was confused, but Dad walked up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay.” He said in that voice that had been so unlike my own, quiet and careful, but yet deep and resonating. When he spoke, the world listened.

I nodded. I reached for the girl...

I felt a soft, furry snout nuzzling me awake. I smiled.

“Mmm. Five more minutes, Payback.” She wanted her morning walk. I wanted to get back to my dream. She’d been so beautiful...

I heard people talking, two women. One of them sounded angry, or maybe concerned. Probably the lezbos in the apartment next door. God, they never shut up.

Payback had moved up to my face, her soft fur brushing my nose. “Heh-heh. Quit it, Payback, that tickles.”

I felt something wrap around my neck and rub its fuzzy cheek against my own. Definitely not Payback.

“But wook at his widdow face!” Something grabbed my jaw and moved it up and down, causing me to softly bite my tongue several times, and snapped me out of my half-asleep state. “Zecora! I ruv rou! Prease take care ruv me until I wake up?”

Upon opening my eyes, I encountered what appeared to be a mini-zebra arguing with a pink-haired primrose pegasus. Mini-Zebra replied to this with an intelligent, “What?”

Yellow Pegasus explained, “Zecora, I have a picnic to attend soon, and I can’t bring this ‘demon’ with me. He’s too heavy, and he’s asleep. Also, since you know so much about him, it only makes sense for you to keep an eye on him. You know, if you’re not doing anything...”

“No, absolutely not! The demon shall not stay in my hut!”

“I’ll give you five bits.”

“If you make it ten, you can count me in.”

As interesting as this all was, I decided to chime in. I turned to the pegasus who made the offer. “Did you just sell my ass for chump change?”

Their reaction was immediate and overdramatic. The zebra did a ninja-flip across the hut, snatching a bamboo staff off a stand, and the pegasus seemed to disappear entirely.

“Whoa, chill there, Stripes. I come in peace and all that shit.”

“Mimi si akageuka na uongo wako, pepo ya uchafu na damu!”

“Kutomba vizuri wewe, basi.” I replied easily in Swahili. Yes, I speak Swahili. It’s a long story. I was a bit rusty, and my accent was nearly impenetrable, but she obviously understood.

She seemed taken aback at my use of what I could only assume was her native tongue. But I was more worried about the pegasus, the shy one that I not only recognized from the show, but remembered was my favorite. I did a miserable attempt at softening my voice.

“Uh, yellow one? You can come out, if you want. I won’t bite.” I nearly slapped myself for my wording. I was almost literally a wolf among sheep. I heard a small noise from inside the cauldron in the center of the hut. I stood, and Stripes thrust the staff at me like a spear. Giving her a stern look, I caught it and yanked it away. I made to snap it in half, but thought better of it and tossed it across the room.

What little courage the poor thing had been hanging onto crumbled away and she backed away, almost entirely across the little hut. I moved to the side of the cauldron and peeked in. It was all I could do to not just reach in and cradle her to me. I’m not normally one to get all baby-talk about cute stuff, but she looked so fuckin’ pathetic, terrified for her life at the bottom of that cold cauldron.

“Hey, come on. I promise I won’t hurtcha.”

“Did you tell that to the basilisk?” She muttered through clenched teeth as she cowered.

“No, I generally try not to talk to things that want to kill me.” Growing impatient, I reached in and grabbed her by the barrel. She seemed to freeze in panic as my arms wrapped around her. “Calm yourself, nothin’ to be afraid of. I just wanna get a good look atcha.”

I set her down on the floor and stepped back. Stripes rushed to her side and looked her over for damage. Though she found none, I became the focus of her next glare, as Yellow peeked out at me from behind her weird emo hair. I cleared my throat.

“There, now that we’ve all become acquainted, I think it’s high time I introduced myself. My name is John Salem, and I’m a human. Or, more appropriately, THE human.” I held out my hand again, not really expecting either of them to shake it. They didn’t.

“Maybe I should explain.” So I did, starting with when I woke up this morning. I just told it how it happened, I didn’t try to sugar coat it. So, of course, I got a few questions.

“-and she thought that I had raped her. So I-”

“Did you?”

“Rape her? Not even in my most inebriated of minds would I find a horse attractive.” I shook my head. “No offense, but personally, I prefer to mate within my species, thank you.”

. . .

“...And apparently, she decided that was a good time for tongue-wrestling. As-”

“Tongue-wrestling? Do you mean like... kissing?”

“Yeah. As I said before, ponies are off my radar, so naturally, I high-tailed it outta there. Unfortunately, the only place to high-tail to was this forest. I ran for a little while, and when I took a break, Fluffy here showed up. He bared his teeth a little, but as soon as King Python shows up, he remembers his place on the food chain: Below me.” The manticore in question chose this moment to rub his head a little harder against my side, his jungle-cat purrs sounding like a roaring chainsaw. I scratched behind his horns. “Yeah, you.”

I looked Yellow straight in the eye. “I’m not saying killing is right. In fact, being a bit of an expert on the subject, I speak from first-hand experience when I say that it’s mostly wrong. But I did what I had to do, and because of that, there are two alive and one dead, rather than the other way around. The death of one to save many can be a hard trade to make, I know because I’ve made it before, but in the end, it can be worth it. Do you understand now?”

She looked down at the floor for a long moment. “I understand. I don’t agree, but I understand. You come from an unforgiving world, Mr. Human.”

I smiled in relief. “Please, Mr. Human was my father. Call me John. And I won’t disagree with you, there. Earth was kind of a shithole, and it’s been getting worse every day.”

She nodded. Quite clearly, she said, “My name is Fluttershy. My special talent is caring for animals. I’m fond of daisies, sewing, and singing. What’s your name?”

Slightly confused, I introduced myself a third time. “Um, okay. My name is John Salem and I’m fond of alcohol, beautiful ladies and... not bleeding to death.”

“I’m sorry it’s just that normally when I introduce myself ponies don’t seem to hear me so a lot of my friends have been asking me to work on my introductions so I don’t always have to repeat myself.”

“I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up, sugar, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“N-Nevermind...”

“O-kay... Well, then, what’s your story, Stripes?”

Apparently for Fluttershy’s sake, she said the next part in Swahili.

“Listen to me, hairless monkey-demon; because you have not, to my knowledge, harmed anypony yet, by the warriors code, I cannot harm you. But if you put one hoof out of line, I will stretch your scrotum so far over your head you will be able to use it as a shelter in a sandstorm.”

“There are a few things wrong with that statement; mainly that I haven’t harmed anyone yet, and my scrotum is going nowhere except back to Earth, with me attached. And if you get within two feet of me, I will shove that stick so far up your tight pony ass that I could batter-fry you and call you a corn dog. Capisce?”

“Your threats carry no weight, creature, for I don’t even know what a corn dog is!”

“It’s a chunk of animal flesh on a stick, dipped in corn-based batter and fried in oil. A tasty snack on my homeworld. We clear, Stripes?” I licked my lips for dramatic effect. She huffed and disappeared into the alcove where her bed could be found and threw the curtain.

“Well. I guess we’re done talking.” With an air of finality, I adjusted my coat and nodded to Fluttershy. “Thanks for the save, darlin’, but I really should be going.”

She looked half glad, half concerned. “Are you sure? I mean...”

“I’m a big boy, Shy. I can take care of myself.” I was careful to duck as I exited the hut. See? I can learn! I paused and glanced back. “You comin’, Fluffy?”

Fluffy practically scampered to my side. I rubbed him behind the ears. Shy stood in the doorway, giving me a concerned look. “Don’t worry, Flutters, I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again real soon.”

I winked suggestively to keep her guessing before wandering off into the forest with Fluffy right behind me. Or so she thought.

. . .

Nurse Redheart was frantic. She weaved through the Sunday marketplace just as the sales were winding down. Where was Twilight? Finding the unicorn was at the forefront of her mind, until she noticed Big McIntosh trot by with a doll... An amazing, wonderful doll.

She had to have it.

. . .

I was not wandering. In fact, I knew exactly where I was going. Once I was out of sight of the hut, I checked the sun for time and direction. It had almost set by now. I had no idea how far Fluffy dragged me. “Hey, Fluff. You think you could find that basilisk for me?”

He nodded and fled into the undergrowth. I followed.

It really didn’t take long. Forty-foot snakes aren’t easy to miss. “Nice job, buddy. I’ll make you a treat.”

I pulled out my knife and unfolded it. On the mean streets of Madison, it wasn’t uncommon for me to get mugged once (even twice, a couple times) a day. I’m pretty intimidating, but some people just don’t give a shit. Hence.

You’ve seen enough Man vs. Wild to know here this is going. What, did you expect me to become a vegetarian? Not fucking likely. I sawed the head off and peeled the skin free like your girlfriend’s stockings. Oh, you didn’t know she wore stockings? Well, she did for me.

I hung the pelt in a tree. Maybe I’d make some boots or something. I dragged the guts out and Fluffy almost immediately started chewing on them. I set up a long fire pit between two trees and strung the carcass in between them. “How’re them guts, Fluffy?”

He shook shit from the intestines before slurping them down like pink, rubbery spaghetti. “I take that to mean it’s safe to eat.”

I lit the fire and watched the sun go down, turning my dinner every few minutes. About halfway through cooking, a loud “Twilight Sparkle!” echoed through the trees. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to my dinner. By the time it was done, the sun had set. I had been trying not to think. I just need to survive till I get home.

Speaking of survival, the basilisk was done. I sawed off a chunk of the cooked flesh. I would later learn that basilisk meat was considered a delicacy by the carnivorous population of Eden due to the difficulty in obtaining it. I, however was immune to both it’s killing gaze and it’s poisonous breath, meaning I suffered from no such difficulties.

But for right now, I was just wondering if the meat was poisonous. It was an odd ashen gray, and was flaky like fish. It smelled delicious, but my inner Admiral Ackbar was tapping the inside of my skull insistently.

“Fuck it. YOLO.” My hunger won out as I popped the chunk into my mouth and chewed. Imagine the sweet tang of bacon combined with the hearty body of prime rib. Probably the best meat I’ve ever eaten. And as a born-and-bred Wisconsinite, my diet consists mainly of meat, cheese and corn products, so I’m pretty experienced on the subject.

I began wolfing the meat down like there was no tomorrow. No need to stretch it, there was plenty. Even after I filled myself to bursting, almost three-fourths of the animal remained. I sliced off about a dozen cutlets before nodding to Fluffy, who’d been drooling over it ever since he finished his guts, and he tore into it almost as ravenously as I had.

I folded the basilisk skin, which had been drying over the fire, into a loose bag and stowed tomorrows lunch inside. “You just about done, Fluffy?” He gurgled contentedly, stomach slightly distended. Reminding me every bit of Templeton, he dragged his suddenly fat ass over to me and nuzzled my side. I smiled and sighed.

“Well, Fluffy, It’s nice knowing that there’s another monster on the loose that I can hang out with, but I really should be getting back before Red and Sparky have a conniption. I don’t think that following me into town would be the best idea, either, so I suggest you sleep that snake meat off, and I’ll come find you sometime tomorrow, deal?” He belched loudly in response and I laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Giving him a goodbye rub behind the ears, I turned and began the trek back into town.

There’s a bar calling my name.

. . .

“Princess!”

Celestia was not in the mood for this. All day she’d been running around, playing the pretty, benevolent princess. Smiling for the cameras, answering her subjects pointless, menial questions. For the Gods sake, she was a Mortal God, a manipulator of the forces of nature itself! Why should she care if little Daisy Chain is almost sixteen and hasn’t had her first estrus yet? But apparently it was important enough to bother the rutting ruler of the country about! It’s not like she has a mother around to explain where foals come from or anything!

She sighed for the hundred and forty-second time that day. The kingdom had lived in peace for a thousand years, and that was definitely a good thing.

But you know what they say about too much of a good thing.

Without any war or poverty to worry about, her people have become spoiled. Without an enemy to hate, they’ve turned their hate on themselves.

She was glad she could finally relax. Focus on her own comfort for once. She laid herself tenderly on her velvet cushion in front of the fire.

“Princess?” She cringed again as Peppermint’s high, raspy voice grated against her ears again. Her butler’s throat condition was a result of taking an assassins arrow to it in her stead a few years back. He still bore the scar and now could only speak in a grating falsetto and was only capable of drinking hot liquids, such as tea.

“Yes, Peppermint?”

“Pardon me, Your Grace, but I thought you’d wish to know; while you were off visiting Marexico, we received a letter from Mistress Sparkle.”

“Send for it. I could use some good news.”

“At once, Your Majesty.” He flipped his red-and-white striped mane at one of the younger servants and they scurried off. He continued, “Did you enjoy your trip, Highness?”

“It was successful. The minor drought has been alleviated by the reorganization of their weather teams. In addition, the guard have captured an abandoned dragon egg, a Charred Ruby, judging by the egg markings.”

As usual, Pepper read her like a book. “Yes, but did you have fun?”

“A week of speaking Manish and eating tacos. Yes, of course, I had a wonderful time. My digestive system is a wreck and if I have to hear one more, Si, Princesa, I’m going to scream.”

“Well, at least your capacity for sarcasm is undamaged. You may vent, if you wish.”

“A few thousand years ago, a dry year was the least of everyponys worries.”

“Do not tell me you are bored, Highness?”

“The most fun thing I did today was banish a ‘want it, need it’ spell. That was the most strenuous use of magic I’ve had in days. I have gone beyond bored, Peps. My job as ruler is to keep the balance, but the world is already balanced. What’s the point of having an immortal God-Princess around when the kingdom’s biggest problem is a unicorn with slightly spastic magic use?”

“A rather attractive unicorn. Shame she’s such a spaz.”

“Pepper!” She had no further time to reprimand the head butler, however, for the letter had arrived. The princess sent the newly arrived and eager-to-please servant away. She preferred to read Twilight’s letters alone or in Peppermint’s company. Other than Luna, Peppermint was the only pony left who really understood her. “I wonder why she didn’t tell me she sent a letter.”

“It arrived earlier today as I was cleaning your study. By the by, you really should be more careful with your ink.” Her Majesty rolled her eyes in an unprincesslike manner and proceeded to read the letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing this letter to bring to your attention an anomaly. As I am certain you are aware of, the fact that Ponyville is on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and as a result, we see quite a few strange things out here, the most of which, a creature that calls himself a 'Human'. Enclosed is a sketch I drew of this creature. His name is John. I will be researching him as much as possible while he is here. Please respond with your thoughts.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

As she read, the princesses eyes grew wider and wider.

“No...” It couldn’t be. “Not again.”

She flipped to the next page, only to find a detailed sketch of the most destructive creature she’d ever encountered. One that existed outside the very bounds of her world itself. Her voice became deadly calm. The sketch caught fire in her telekinetic grip.

“Peppermint, notify Captain Armor to mobilize the guard. I need a battalion of Solar Soldiers and get my armor polished and cleaned. A few ballistae couldn’t hurt either.”

“Princess? If you don’t mind me asking, what did the letter say?”

“The Humans have returned. And there is a good chance they want revenge.”

Peppermint’s eyes widened. Then he shook his head. “No, that’s impossible. The portal was sealed and is under constant guard. Nothing could get in or out.”

“Humans are clever. And spiteful. There must have been some contingency, some loophole we didn’t think of-”

“We’re not even sure it’s really a Human. It could be a shapeshifter, or a Phobo.”

“Nonsense. Humans are immune to all schools of magic, even Illusion. Nothing can magically take the form of a human but another human.” The princess brought out a pen and parchment and began to compose a letter. “I destroyed every record of their existence myself, Twilight wouldn’t have been able to draw one in such detail if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes.”

Celestia looked over the letter.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

The creature you found is a blight on our world, it’s mere existence an insult to the way our universe works. I will be there to retrieve it by sunset tomorrow, until then, do not believe anything it says, do not let it out of your sight, and for the Gods sakes, do not let it touch you!

Princess Celestia

It would have to suffice. There was a lot to do, and very little time to do it. Taking down a Human would require tact, secrecy, and an overwhelming force of numbers. Their immunity to magic and otherworldly biology meant that one Human warrior could be the equivalent of up to a hundred guardsponies, and their upright stature and clever fingers could get up to all sorts of mischief.

The princess shook her head. When the Humans emerged the first time, nearly ten millennia ago, there was a massive uproar that nearly tore the planet apart. She would do anything to prevent that from happening again.

Anything.

Shining Armor burst through the doors to the Princess’s private lounge. He’d only done this once before, and he’d left stammering and red-faced. Now, however, his face was pale and his voice deadly calm as he did a hasty bow. “Princess. You’ve mobilized Goldenrod Squad. May I ask why?”

“An ancient enemy has resurfaced, an enemy older than any history you’ve been taught. Their mere presence nullifies magic, they carry Discords cunning and the strength of a ten stallions. They are nothing like you have ever seen.”

“I am ready, Your Majesty.”

“No, you are not. You will guard the castle and prepare the dungeon while I am apprehending the creature.”

A surprised and hurt look crossed the captains face. “But... Princess!”

“No. I need you here protecting the castle in case my mission fails. Ponies are going to die, Captain. These creatures nearly split the planet in two. Literally.”

The captain sighed. An order was an order. “I’ll fortify the dungeon and double the castle guard in preparation for your return.”

“Good. Dismissed, Captain.” He trotted out with that cold fire in his eyes. That cold fire was why Celestia made him the Captain in the first place.

She tossed the letter into the fireplace. It instantly disintegrated into a puff of smoke and flew out the window as she slumped down onto her velvet pillow. Peppermint, who’d been quiet, leaned over and began massaging her haunches. “Still bored, Highness?”

She sighed for the hundred and forty-third time that day.

“I just had to open my big mouth...”

Author's Note

Yeah, I know, "Two months to write one chapter? That's BULLSHIT!"

Well, I'm having trouble at home, and I'm not getting paid for this shit.

So calm yo tits. Jesus.