Parole

By Equality I hate the color pink. "Shut up." I growled, closing my eyes as my ears twitched. "Discord, stop it." But oh no, he just kept on strolling. His entire body was pale pink and he wouldn't stop whistling this blasted song. When I asked why about the pink, he only replied that it wouldn't be right to whistle the song without it. When I asked him about the whistling he just started whistling louder. "Discord!"

I turned and ran across the road, narrowly avoiding several passing carriages as I escaped from that terrible noise. I looked around, my pink and loud companion suspiciously quiet and unseen. "That will be a twenty hour whistling fine, Miss." I turned around, starting to scream—only for a pink slip of paper to be stuffed in my mouth. I gagged as the adhesive tasted horrible and it kept sticking to the roof of my mouth, while Discord started whistling again. After five minutes of this he sighed and reached inside my mouth(His hands tasted worse than the paper, it was like licking a beach covered in caramel!) and pulled the paper out, leaving a long pink stick between my lips. "Want a light?" He then proceeds to light the end of it.

I immediately take it from my mouth and throw it on the ground. "Discord, just what did I do to earn your spite today?!" I stomp the stick into the ground, stalking towards him. "Did I step off the bed and land at the wrong angle for Crazy Thursday or are you just trying to be the bane of my existence?!"

He stopped whistling, glaring down at me. "You locked your bedroom window! I was forced to wait until you woke up to leave my home this morning!" He then proceeded to huff and tip his head upward.

"That's because I don't want a slinky, perverted draconequus waking me up the same way you did yesterday!" I paused. "Besides, you only had to wait thirty seconds longer because you woke me up with all your screaming at the window!"

«♦»

"Oh Sunburst..." I moaned as I felt him slithering down my throat. What a wonderful way to wake up. I broke the kiss and pulled back to stare at him.

"Oh Starlight! I didn't know you cared." Two bushy white eyebrows and a revolting pale brown face then proceeded to snuggle my neck.

I took a deep breath before I proceeded to calmly and gently remove Discord from my person.

"What the ever–living, unholy, unequal buck you doing you sick pervert?!" I pulled away and began rapidly stomping on his face. "Get out of my bed and bring me some mouth wash or I'll replace your shampoo with hot sauce! In fact, I'm going to do that anyway, so get me the bucking mouth wash or I'll—I'll—!" I stopped stomping, breathing heavily. "I'll..." My head started to swirl. "I'll... Go back to sleep... I think you actually made me physically ill." I then curled up and brought my blanket over my entire body, grumbling curses and vows of vengeance under my breath as I went back to sleep.

«♦»

"Well how was I supposed to know you'd forcibly make out with me when I was trying to replace your pillows with cotton candy and caramel?" He crossed his arms and continued down the street.

"I didn't force your snake tongue half a foot down my throat!"

He looked to the right and snapped his fingers, causing a second Discord to walk over and look in a random direction, smooch his bear paw and wave it away while saying, "Goodnight everypony!" The original then looked back at me, grinning widely. "Maybe you did. You were asleep, how do you know?"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. "No. I'm not doing this." I opened them and waved down a cab. "Do whatever you want, I'm taking a cab to wherever you're not."

"I'm your royal parole officer. I have to follow you around as according to Twilight Sparkle's decree."

"Then sit in the back seat and let me pretend." I climbed into the taxi carriage that pulled up and hid my head between my legs, groaning in agony as I tried to forget Discord was even a concept. "Driver, take me..." I thought for a moment. "Take me to the museum of Cutie Mark History." I saw the top of his head bob before the carriage started tumbling down the road.

"Though in retrospect, why were you dreaming of making out with a stallion you haven't seen since he was a colt? Are you a colt cuddler?" I growled in defiance as he climbed over the seats and wrapped an arm around me, waving up at the sky. "Oh my." He giggled and chortled, shaking me around as he started yelling, "Starlight Glimmer: Failed Destroyer of Princesses and closet colt cuddler! You thought she was bad before folks? You haven't seen her dreams!" I could almost feel him winking down at me as he pointed to every passing pony he could and shouted it over and over again.

"Jump up your flanks and die you stupid jerk."

«♦»

"And this Cutie Mark represents: Cutie Marks!" The tour group all gasped and awed at the painting that showed a cutie mark of a pony getting a cutie mark.

I narrowed my eyes, waiting for the tour guide to move away before I pounced on the group. "Stop! Don't listen to that mare's lies! This cutie mark represents segregation and misery!" I pointed at it, seething and ranting on for a good five minutes before looking back at my audience. "Don't you get it? Cutie Marks are the root of all evil in the world!" One of them snorted a two inch long booger back up into his skull while another wiped the drool from her muzzle. I grinned widely as one raised their hoof, questions! I rarely got questions! "Yes! You in the back, what's your question?"

"Miss Lady? Can we follow the tour again now?" The small yellow colt that reminded me depressingly of Sunburst asked, looking around. "If we don't hurry she might call the principle and get us all in big trouble."

I sighed, waving them away. "Yes, yes. Go ahead you rotten little sheep." I groaned and walked away in frustration as yet another tour group of misguided youths wandered away to a life of misery.

"You seem to have a thing for foals." Discord commented, doodling mustaches on all the statues. Three dimensional mustaches I might add. "I'm starting to think that my assumption of you being a colt cuddler isn't too far off."

"Oh shut up, it's not like that." I sat down and stared as he defiled the statue of victory, a statue on loan from the Canterlot Gardens. "Foals are just the best chance I have... They haven't been tainted their entire lives by the lies of their parents, they don't know better. If I teach them this stuff early though, they might come out realizing how right I am and help my cause one day."

"It doesn't seem like it's accomplishing anything." He moved on to another statue, one of three royal guards—also from the Canterlot Gardens.

He somehow managed to un–paint their uniforms and started adding bikinis on them, with each one grower exponentially more inappropriate for public use. "B–But... No, it is!"

"Do you have proof?"

I trotted over and plucked a caramel apple while the gift shop and food vendors were at lunch. "...Of course I do." I bit into it and winced as my teeth got stuck.

"Oh really?"

"Mhm!" I shook my head frantically, trying to unstuck the apple from my teeth.

"And, pray tell, what is this proof?" Discord walked over, carrying the stone helmet of one of the statues casually. Sometimes biting it, the sound of a crisp apple being eaten replacing the sound of stone crumbling.

I managed to yank the apple from my mouth, pulling out a chunk with it. I let a muffled yell of victory escape as I chewed, triumphantly holding the apple up like a trophy of a beaten enemy. We then stood there, staring at each other as I slowly finished chewing, lowering the apple to normal height just as slowly. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I said before taking another bite.

Discord opened his mouth but closed it. "Yes, but I think those happy stallions would like to know where their money is first." He pointed behind me. I turned and stared back at the very angry looking food and gift shop vendors, their glares meeting my apathetic glance.

"Shoppe, Choppe." I nod to each, taking another bite of apple.

"Friends of yours?"

"I'm pretty sure you're banned from this museum, Miss Starlight." Shoppe said, walking over and snatching my half eaten caramel apple away. I frowned at him.

"Yeah, last I heard, the museum director wasn't very happy when he saw that you pelted the Hall of Cutie Marks with caramel apples and wrote profanities on the front windows in bedazzle gemstones, using Minator glue instead of the usual kind." I frowned a lot more when Choppe somehow teleported the half chewed apple from my mouth and placed it back on the apple, unharmed. "Did you know those windows had to be replaced? They both shattered when they tried to remove the gemstones!"

I turned my head a little. "Discord, I think we might need a cab." I whispered.

"Shouldn't I be turning you in to be arrested?"

"Probably, but you don't seem like the type to deal with paperwork like that over a harmless prank."

Shoppe whistled. "A whole five thousand bits per pane of glass. You're in a heap of trouble for coming back here, Starlight."

"Mostly harmless." I corrected before Discord snapped away and I smiled back at the two.

I hummed. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Why, I should just turn myself in now." I held my front hooves out while sitting on my haunches, illusioning handcuffs on them. "Take me away boys, I'm sure you'll get a pat on the head for teaming up and bringing in a sweet, defenseless mare." I reached out with my magic into the food vendor's shop.

"We might even get a raise, Choppe!" Shoppe grinned at his friend. "We'll be swimming in gold before you know it!" Your wish is my command.

I grabbed and teleported the contents of the caramel vat above them, letting it fall on top of them, coating them completely. I looked them over as they struggled and tried to pull themselves out of the caramel. "Close enough." I ran into the gift shop and grabbed all their bedazzling guns and gems, then ran into the food preparation area and grabbed a few caramel apples before I ran back to the front door. "Thanks!" I yelled as I ran outside.

My jaw fell as I regarded the limo carriage parked outside, each pair of seats a different pair of colors—can't say I liked that at all—and the driver a giant blob of green goop. "Your taxi awaits, Madame." Discord said with a bow

I glance between him and it. "It's hideous and the seats are unequally colored."

Discord looked up and scowled. "I know you are but what is the taxi?" This thing was going to get both of us arrested, if only by a group of overly zealous artists.

My jaw worked as I thought about what he said. "That makes no sense in this context."

"You're very ungrateful."

I stalked over and climbed into the limo carriage, "I asked specifically for a cab, I wanted a getaway vehicle, not a leisure carriage."

Discord walked over and climbed in next to the blob. "Are you saying you think this masterfully crafted taxi carriage is slow?"

"Slow, ugly, and uncomfortable, yes." I gazed back at the museum worriedly, the guards would be out any minute now. "Could we just go? Also, it's a limo, not a taxi."

Discord took the reigns, cracking them against... "Where's the carriage puller?" I asked, climbing up the the driver's chair. "How is this thing supposed to move?!" Discord just cackled as the whole thing shook and started to lift off the ground, the sides folding back and large cylinders popping out.

«♦»

"Now let me get this straight Princess." The Manehatten police commissioner said with a heavy sigh, his bushy mustache quivering a little. "You and this mare here," He gestured to me with a hoof, "Were simply testing out a flying, pegasus–less passenger carriage that went hay wire. Correct?"

"Yes." Princess Twilight said with a nod.

"And you and miss Rarity are in no way related to the crimes of Starlight Glimmer and Discord–" He studied the page, "'The most handsome Chaos God around', the pair of individuals who are under your strict restriction that escaped with the honestly ridiculous theft of thirty two bedazzle guns, forty–two hundred gemstones and three caramel apples, all after dropping a one hundred and fifty pound sheet of semi–hardened caramel onto two museum clerks, am I still following you?"

"Yes."

"And now, you want to pay off their crimes using Princess Celestia's TrustedSun Bank account information, correct?" He looked over his glasses and mustache at us.

"Yep!"

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm."

The older stallion sighed, scribbling the information down with his magic and a quill. "You understand this will leave you both exiled from Manehatten until you two pay off your own charges?"

"We understand, thank you Commissioner Lawful." Twilight said, smiling and nodding to the stallion, then fluttering her eyelashes. "If you could keep their actions under wraps and 'lose' the folder on their recent escapade, I would be most gracious. Consider it a favor to the Royal family." She winked at him, causing him to look away to hide the light blush.

"Yes, I'll uh..." He cleared his throat, scribbling more on the page. "See what I can do. Seeing your position, I'll let you see yourselves out of the city. After tomorrow however, you are both to be arrested on sight and held until the fine is paid." He hands up the blue page, stashing the pink one in a folder. "Thank you for your cooperation, Your Highness."

We both nod and quickly exit the police station. "Disc–I mean, Twilight? You're a genius."

"I'll admit it, yes I am a genius. The looks on Twilight and Rarity's faces when they come here next time will be more than priceless, a wonderful payment to hiding our day of fun." Twilight's eyes shift yellow as her pupils change and her eyebrows bush up. "Today was the most fun I've had since I was reformed! ...Aside from when Tirek let me have a tiny bit of fun before he struck me down."

"You're not afraid you'll be punished?"

"Well I might be. But this is so small I could easily brush it under the rug or blame it on Spike. Everypony hates Spike, he's always messing everything up."

"True."

«♦»

“Excellent. They were flammable.”

― James Patterson