With six all-too-eager beings sitting around me, I reached for the next black card and read it. "_____. High five, bro."

"You know," Rainbow began, "I should feel bad for playing this, but I'm not feeling bad in the slightest."

"Oh?" Twilight asked in response.

"Yep," Rainbow replied.

"I must say," Luna began, "My choice is rather dark, but given how this game has progressed so far, I think it has a reasonable chance at victory."

"My thoughts exactly, Luna," Cadance replied as they both floated their cards over to me. I then prepared myself for a double dose of dark humor.

Soon, I was ready to keep things rolling. "Slapping a racist old lady. High five, bro. Hmmm... That could work. Grave robbing. High five, bro. Nice! Now we're getting somewhere!" As I opened my mouth to read the next card, I paused, then I laughed to myself while lowering my head. After a few seconds, I lifted my head back up, took a deep breath, and continued. "Deflowering the princess. High five, bro." At that moment, both Rainbow and Discord began laughing hysterically. Surprisingly enough, I noticed the other four giggling amongst themselves, not looking upset in the slightest. After everyone calmed down, I continued. "Puppies! High five, bro. Only if you're Fluttershy, I'm afraid. Ve-...Ooooh...Vehicular manslaughter. High five bro." A few of us cringed at that. "Growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness. High...fi-...Like, how is that even good?" I asked nobody in particular.

"Well, I mean," Discord replied, "If you wanted a friend who was raised like a wild animal, then...maybe?"

"Nah," I replied. I then looked over my options one more time. "Forgive me, your highnesses," I said to the four alicorns at the table, "But I'm gonna have to go with deflowering the princess."

"Awesome!" Rainbow replied as she snatched the card from in front of me. She was then quick to grab the next black card in the stack. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced _____ and _____ at the same time."

I looked over my options, quickly spotting a pair that represented making sweet love in the living room. I slid my pair of cards to the pegasus next to me, and it wasn't long before the other options made their way in front of her, as well.

With twelve cards in front of her, Rainbow began to read. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced the art of seduction and a massive orgy between the cast members of 'Glee' at the same time." Rainbow then stifled a few giggles, and so did some of the others. It wasn't the best combo, but I had to assume Rainbow was giggling at the mere mention of the word, 'orgy'. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced Michael Jackson and Darth Vader at the same time."

"I wonder what that would be like?" I asked.

"Would you like to find out?" Discord asked, getting ready to snap his fingers.

"Nah," I replied.

"Awww..." the draconequus sarcastically replied.

"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced whipping a disobedient slave and throwing a virgin into a volcano at the same time. Uhhh...no. You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a dance move that's just sex and same-sex ice dancing at the same time. Now that might work! You haven't truly lived until you've experienced genuine human connection and a sofa that says, 'I have style, but I like to be comfortable' at the same time. Maybe. You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a surprising amount of hair and ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry. Ha! That ended pretty hilariously!"

"Haha! It most certainly did!" Discord replied.

"Let's see," Rainbow continued, "Hmmm...You know, seeing a same-sex couple having sex while ice skating seems pretty interesting. I'm gonna go with that one."

"I'll take that, Miss Dash," Celestia replied, smiling somewhat slyly. Her expression made me laugh internally, as I knew she was enjoying this game more than I thought she would.

Twilight then took the next card in the stack. "Daddy," she began to ask, "Why is mommy crying?"

Given that he was the only other male in the room, I glanced briefly at Discord. He immediately noticed and threw one of his hands up. "Don't look at me, my friend," he began in a sarcastic tone, "I'm not the father here."

"Oh?" I replied, "Is that an indication that I'll be seeing you on Maury sometime soon?"

Discord chuckled. "Hahaha, I guess you got me..."

It wasn't long before there were six white cards in front of the Princess of Friendship. "Daddy," she began again, "Why is mommy crying? Making love to Miley Cyrus. Uhhh..." I would have had the same reaction. I had been meaning to erase that text and write something else beforehand. "Windows Vista," Twilight continued. That drew laughs from both Discord and I. "Rabid pencils who chase people." I had been meaning to change that one, as well. "Mouth herpes. Well, I can't argue with that. Se-...Uh-oh. Here we go again...September 11th, 2001."

Normally, I would have cringed upon seeing that card, but this instance was of slightly different circumstances. Without a word, I began slowly clapping my hands. "Well played, whoever you are," I said, my gaze moving between the six others at the table, "That was pretty much spot on."

"The last one is daddy issues. Nope. September 11th wins."

"That was me," Luna said, igniting her horn with her magic and taking the black card from Twilight.

"Did you even know what that card meant before you played it?" I asked the midnight blue alicorn.

"Discord knows many things, my child," came her response, her signature soft smile visible on her face. I knew I couldn't argue with that at that point.

"Ooooh..." Cadance began, looking at the next card, "I'd love to see Shining read this one day. As king, how will I keep the peasants in line?"

"This thing right here," I replied, waving my white card slightly before sliding it over to her.

"Wrong!" Rainbow replied in a tone that easily mocked Lex Luthor in that live action movie. At the same time, she lifted her white card in front of my face - in a way that I didn't know what she was playing, of course - before giving it to Cadance.

"You really wanna beat Twilight, don't you, Rainbow?" I asked the pegasus, not caring in the slightest that the question was rhetorical.

"You bet!" she replied in her competitive tone.

"Okay, you two," Cadance said to Rainbow and I while giggling slightly, "That's enough." She then turned to the six cards that were in her magic. "As king, how will I keep the peasants in line? My boyfriend's stupid penis."

"Gee, Cadance," Celestia began, chuckling lightly, "I didn't realize you were cheating on Shining Armor!"

This caused the rest of us, for the most part, to laugh quite audibly. "Nice one, Trollestia..." I thought to myself as I came down from my brief laughing fit.

Cadance merely smiled at Celestia's joke. "Anyway," she continued, "Having shotguns for legs. Well, that would definitely work. The male gaze. Probably not. Not wearing pants. I think that would work in your case," she said, looking me in the eyes, "But not in this context. Anyway, the amount of gay I am."

"Hey, maybe what Celestia said is suddenly true!" Rainbow Dash said. This earned a few more giggles from everyone else around the table.

"And finally, a big black dick. Wait, hang on..." she paused before laughing loudly, "Wow! That came at a decent time! Who had that one?"

"I did!" I replied, reaching my hand as far across the table as I could.

As Cadance gave me my Awesome Point, Luna took the next card in the stack and began to read it aloud. "If you can't handle _____, you'd better stay away from _____."

"I win!" Twilight said, seeming rather confident with her choice of cards.

"Oh, I highly doubt that, dear Twilight," Discord replied.

"Actually, neither of you will be winning this round," Celestia jumped in, sliding her pair of cards over to her younger sister.

"Or how about none of you??" Luna said in a slightly loud tone before giggling audibly, "Sorry, I couldn't help myself." She then began to read the six pairs of cards in front of her. "If you can't handle waiting 'til marriage, you'd better stay away from deez nuts." Discord, Rainbow, and I immediately began laughing at that. 'Deez Nuts' was usually another trump card, but none of us, especially the Card Czar, could jump to conclusions just yet. "If you can't handle natural selection," Luna continued, "You'd better stay away from the terrorists." I immediately folded my hands over my mouth, squeezed my eyes shut, and groaned loudly. I then got up from my chair, stepped to the right, and lowered myself to the ground gradually.

"And I thought the last run-in with that card was bad..." I thought to myself.

I stayed on the ground for about 15 seconds before I finally got back into my chair. "Are you alright?" Luna asked, looking a bit concerned.

"I'll be fine," I replied, "That was just a little too dark."

"Oh. Well, then... If you can't handle blowing some dudes in an alley, you'd better stay away from Family Guy at its finest. I don't think so. If you can't handle tasting the rainbow, you'd better stay away from three dicks at the same time." While most of us laughed, Rainbow Dash blushed furiously. "If you can't handle man meat, you'd better stay away from a kiss on the lips. Well, I can see how that would have eventually progressed, but I don't believe it's good enough at this stage. If you can't handle making a friend, you'd better stay away from a bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans." After that, the Night Princess began narrowing down her options. "Hmmm...I can't decide between three of these."

"I've got an idea," I began, "Normally, if I was in this situation, I'd shuffle them and pick one at random, but in this case, I'd have to do something different. Try randomizing the six cards you have left, and then reveal them one-by-one. Whichever two-card combo is fully revealed first wins, given that the owner of that combo speaks up. How does that sound?"

Luna smiled. "Maybe I should just give this point to you for being so smart," she said, beginning to float the card over to me.

"Wait, you're serious?" I asked, beginning to reach out my hand.

Luna closed her eyes. "Absolutely not," she replied, jerking the card back toward herself while maintaining her smile. This caused all the others to laugh, making my cheeks redden slightly. She then took my advice and shuffled the six remaining cards with her magic before revealing them one at a time. "Let's see," she continued, "The terrorists, waiting til' marriage, tasting the rainbow, deez nuts..."

"That's mine!" Twilight exclaimed, eagerly claiming her Awesome Point from Luna.

Celestia soon took the next black card from the stack, but I was unprepared for how she would read it. "HEED MY VOICE, MORTALS!" she shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice. And here I thought Luna was the best at speaking like that... "I AM THE GOD OF _____ AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE _____!"

I was left momentarily stunned by Celestia's vocals, but I soon came to my senses and found a decent 2-card combo in my hand.

"Mine's a throwaway," Rainbow Dash said, sliding her cards to Celestia.

"Mine is, too," Cadance said, doing the same thing as the pegasus.

"Okay, then," Celestia soon said, beginning to read the first pair of cards, "Heed my voice, mortals!" she said in her normal speaking voice, "I am the god of dark and mysterious forces beyond our control, and I will not tolerate some god damn peace and quiet! Hmmm... I'll consider it later. Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of the basic suffering that pervades all of existence, and I will not tolerate world peace!"

"Damn..." I said in reply.

"I am the god of a manhole, and I will not tolerate an evil man in evil clothes. I don't think so. I am the god of white people, and I will not tolerate the Kool-Aid Man!"

"Wow, way to be racist..." I said to no one in particular.

"I am the god of leveling up, and I will not tolerate a low standard of living! That definitely makes some sense. I am the god of Oompa-Loompas, and I will not tolerate yeast."

"Actually," Discord began, his body being adorned by a Willy Wonka-like outfit all of a sudden, "I think yeast would definitely be needed in that factory."

"Good point," I replied.

"Let's see..." Celestia continued as she scanned over her options, "I'll go with the basic suffering and world peace."

"Splendid!" Discord replied, his outfit now completely gone. He then reached for the final black card of the round. Before he began reading it, he snapped his fingers and was instantly clad in a full doctor's outfit, complete with a white coat, headband, stethoscope, and everything. Then, in a sad-sounding tone, he said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to _____."

I looked at my hand, not seeing anything worthwhile to give to Discord. I looked up and noticed that Twilight and Luna may have been having a similar problem. Eventually, however, we all made our decisions and gave them to Discord.

Keeping his somber tone like a dismayed doctor would, Discord said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to the size of my penis." In an instant, the rest of us fell into a massive fit of laughter. It was perfect. Discord was speaking in the ideal voice for delivering bad news, and best of all, he said it with a straight face. Sure, the implications were still sad, but hey, it's Cards Against Humanity. "At 4:15 this morning," Discord continued, "Your son succumbed to the most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine. Hmmm...I suppose. You son succumbed to being the only person without a Facebook account."

"Story of my life right there," I said, lifting my right hand.

"Your son succumbed to pixelated bukkake. Well...maybe? Your son succumbed to intimacy problems." This earned even more giggles from the rest of us. "And finally," Discord continued, shifting back to his somber tone, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to disco fever. Mmmm...nah. I believe the size of my penis shall be the winner this time around."

"Awww, yeah!" Rainbow replied before the draconequus passed the card over to her.

"Okay, I definitely need a break this time," I said.

"Me, too," Twilight immediately replied.

"Hey, Twilight," Rainbow began to ask, "What kinda food you got in your kitchen?"

"Just go in there and help yourself to..." Before Twilight could finish her sentence, the speedy pegasus had already darted out of the dining room and began heading for the kitchen.

"I swear," I said to the purple alicorn, "Sometimes Dash is even more energetic than Pinkie Pie."

"I know, right?" she replied. After that, I stood up and left the dining room myself, eager to stretch my muscles with a short walk before we ensued with our diabolic shenanigans.

Author's Note

After 3 rounds, the scores are as follows:

Me: 4
RD: 4
TS: 2
Cadance: 3
Luna: 2
Celestia: 3
Discord: 3