Vengeance, Card Games and Magic

A Birthday special written in two days, like a bawss fanfic writer with next to no time and social life! EDIT 24/11/2012:(Except the writer is a spastic that doesn't check his work after writing something in said two days)

Not Safe For Anything. Readers are encouraged to gouge their eyes out. That is all.

The webcam turns on. It's high retina definition camera zooms in on the subject at hand. A built in microphone picks up the faintest of sounds. Receiving the visual display on the LCD monitor, the image of Princess Celestia, minus her crown.

"Hello all of you on the Internet, my name is Princess Celestia of Equestria, and it has been four months or so since myself, my annoying bitch of a sister and three subordinates became trapped in this house by Discord and his gay boyfriend. You don't know how hard it is to be near a substance-dependent bum and someone whose IQ is equivalent to a roll of toilet paper."

"I can hear you!" Luna could be faintly heard in the background.

"Get back to cleaning up the drug cage!" Chris was supposedly shouting at her. "You're lucky you didn't have to change the crows' newspaper. Thank Saker that he had to die another five times to do that!"

"Do you know how to get my blood off the floor?" Saker asked stupidly.

Celestia leaned from the camera towards the doorway. "Use the bleach and Ajax Spray-n-Wipe for the blood, Anthony! It's a good trick I learnt which I use frequently myself. You don't know how messy it is at executions."

"Thank you!"

"Where was I…" The sun goddess gave herself time to collect her thoughts. "Oh yes, why am I doing this?

"Stealing his laptop and duct-taping him to the back of a swivel chair without his pants on, I am giving my friend Tom a special birthday present which is being streamed live for free…"

Spinning the chair around with her magic, a tiresome and demoralised Morgie pathetically giggled around, trying to flee in a desperate manner.

"Mmmnph mmrmph mmmph mmmmmmmmmmm! {Please let me go!}" Were the only sounds audible from the gag and Morgie's mouth as he violently thrashed around, spinning himself on the chair.

"Oh hush birthday boy, I'm coming very soon… It's always cute how you struggle! And you won't have it so easy as last time. Also today's Black Friday, the busiest shopping day of the year. Today's the anniversary of the first ever aired Doctor Who episode… and Miley Cyrus' birthday as well unfortunately. She's such a little slut now, probably getting her K.B. from sexual favours."

"Nope." Chris replied through the hallway. "She got it all by doing sexual favours for me."

"Are you retarded? That's what she said!" Luna shrieked. "I thought Anthony was the retarded one?"

"Ha ha, no!" Saker's voice appeared again. "I have a short attention span and he's stoned. At times my hyperactivity gets me killed after I listen to his stoned ramblings."

"Uh… Scarlet is eating your eye again."

"So that's why I bought scrunchies instead of plastic explosives. Then how did that ice-cream van blow up? Chris, you're not a god and your crow is retarded."

"I am a god!" Chris shouted, going into an unexpected rampage. "MILEY CYRUS IS A WHOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!"

"Can you stop interrupting my live stream!" Celestia barked out of the ajar doorway. "Anthony, lock Chris in with his 'children' and play video games with my sister and I'll let you eat my secret supply of toaster waffles. That's with bananas."

"You mentioned food, I am interested. Okiday!" Anthony responded. "Chris, Kroze is hungry and Raven is bitching with the Sharingan crow over who takes those crows from Dumbo on a date."

"No! Bad Sharingan crow! Get back into Naruto! Daddy's comming guys!" Chris cried out, his loud footsteps could be heard from the hallway.

"Luna. You. Me. TF2 World. Capture the Flag. Scout. Pyro. Tag-team. Pwn n00bs. Sandvich. Break. Spam n00bs. Left 4 Dead 2. Pwn zombies. Kill Tanks. Break. More Sandvich. Buy rediculous amounts of Steam games. Now."

"O-okay then!" Luna stammered in shyness as the two changed their servers holding a hand and hoof.

"Mm-mmph mmph mmf mmf, mmphmmphmmphmmmph. Mmf mmmf mmph! {Release me right now, Celestia. I mean it!}" Morgie shouted in protest.

"I know you want to escape, but not after we've had some fun…" Celestia continued to give him dirty looks of pleasure. "Maybe I'm the only one that gets to have fun, but you won't feel much pain, right?"

As the poor human squirmed in pure fear and balling his eyes out when Celestia's hooves reached out for him, the screen shows static for a few seconds as Slenderman appears suddenly in the background.

"Hi guys, can I be in the fanfiction?" Slenderman waves a tentacle at the two just before Celestia began to lower herself onto Morgie.

At this stage, Morgie completely drops nuts, and continues to scream frantically in fear, still muffled by his gag. What he managed to say was impossible to translate through his complete mental deterioration.

"F*ck off, Slenderman!" Celestia moved away from her living toy. "Why can't you f*cking leave me alone?!! Every single effing time I try to do something really fun, you have to ruin it!"

"I'm sorry." The white slim creature said, defensively holding its tentacles in front of where its face would have been. "I just wanted to be apart of the story. You didn't how've to be a total bitch about it."

"You ate an entire orphanage and you call me a bitch?"

"We'll I'm not the one who's raping a small child. I for one would want a clean child, not tainted in the way that you touch them."

"It's not rape if you enjoy it, isn't that right Tom?"

Listening to the conversation after calming down for some time, Morgie violently shook his head side to side.

"He says yes." Celestia concluded from his frantic movement.

"Mmf mmph? {I am?}" Morgie blatantly said in confusion.

"We'll I guess the only way to settle this is with a fight to the death." Slenderman pulled out a Glock pistol and aimed for Celestia's head.

"I guess you'll finally die, you pasty freak." Celestia pulled out her tungsten samurai blade with her magic, pushing Morgie's swivel chair onto the floor in the process.

Before an epic fight could commence, where Celestia would cut Slenderman up like a piece of meat, an axe head suddenly entered the door with a sickening thump. Stopping the fight which hasn't started yet, the two (minus Tom who was busy eating carpet. That was apart of the floor I mean, not the– Just forget it.) saw a strange creature in a gas mask peered through the gap.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmph mph-mph!" The being said, untranslated and impossible to decipher.

"The door was open." Celestia said flatly at the property damage. "Let me guess you brought you along, Anthony?"

"Mmmmph mph mmmmph." It nodded as it managed to open the door to reveal a burnt Luna, the creature in an asbestos lined fire suit and Anthony in a balaclava and suit, hauling his own charcoal-grilled dead body on his shoulders.

"Sorry you guys, I lost the Internet modem and the Pyro came along to help find it for me." Saker lowered the body onto the desk, obscuring most of the camera lens.

"And you died only once? I'm impressed." Celestia raised a brow in suspicion.

"Surprisingly no. I died only ninety-seven times today."

Seeing the familiar balaclava of the Spy on Anthony's adorable face, Pyro immediately swung his giant lollipop into the flying baby's face… Or that's what it thought in its deranged mind when Saker's decapitated head jammed itself onto the axe blade. Respawning again behind the masked pyromaniac, he Falcon Punched it across the room.

"Better make that ninety-eight." Saker braced himself as the Pyro slowly walked towards him with his flamethrower in hand.

Smashing his weapon over Saker's head, the Pryo wickedly laughed and proceeded to Hadouken his face, melting it to a pile of heated flesh.

"Mmph-mph-mmph." It was supposedly adding on to the ever-growing number of times that Anthony had died.

After respawning this time, Saker was pissed off more than the time when Twilight was no longer just the name of the early hours of night. "God-fucking dammit, I am sick and tired of being eaten to death, eating to death, killing myself from radiation poisoning, and burning to fucking death ALL THE TIME!"

"What about getting smashed by the Tanks?" Luna reminded him.

"Oh yeah, and the fucking Tank zombies freaking sit on me for sh*ts and giggles. And I can see you with Krillin's dead body and a hand grenade, Mono." Saker continue to look away from Chris as he shoved the grenade into Krillin's decaying mouth and hurled the body at him.

"One hundred!" Chris shouted in victory when he thought the corpse was going to explode.

"You forgot to pull the pin, you munt." Anthony help the grenade up. "First you pull the pin as so, then… Fuck."

Actually exploding this time, a look of shock was on Celestia's face whilst Luna appeared unamused.

"He's died in ways that have been much more stupid than this." She commented.

Becoming bored, the Pyro began to burn one of the sofas whilst Slenderman and Chris began to talk.

"That suit you're wearing is way too formal and tacky if you're going out to kill someone." Chris observed the state of the creature's attire. "Do you go out quite often?"

"Yes, I eat out every night near the park under the moon-less night." Slenderman described the picture of one of his killings to the drug god.

"Well I got this suit for you from Satan." Chris said, pulling out an identical suit to Slenderman's. "I loaned it from him."

"I'm not sure…" He looked curiously at the dress wear. "He doesn't normally let people borrow his belongings…"

"I DIDN'T STEAL IT!!! I LOANED IT FROM HIM FOR A DECADE!" Chris hollered unnecessarily. "DON'T JUDGE ME!!!"

"So how was your gaming experience." Celestia said blandly, not really wanting to talk as her romantic evening was ruined.

"It. Was. Fucking awesome! Oh sis, I felt so alive!" Luna bounded around her sister like a little filly. "I will never stop playing them forever!"

"And that is why you'll be a virgin forever."

"What?"

Crouching down to Morgie's level on the floor, Saker finally had a normal conversation with someone that wouldn't try to kill him.

"Hey Morgie. Look, I don't have a present for you, and I know you have that driving test, so I got you some help from a super awesome British guy."

Bringing the Pyro over, it unzipped its suit, revealing itself to be none other than Daniel Craig, international super-spy. Adjusting his suit accordingly and clearing his British voice, he proceeded to speak with the charisma of the original James Bond.

"Hello there Tom, my name is Agent 007, and I am here to take you for a driver's test."

"Dude, do you realise that he's a spastic at driving?" Saker whispers, still crouching in a very painful position.

"Oh please, what could possibly go wrong?"

Ten minutes later…

Suspended by his seatbelt upside down in the driver's test car, Daniel Craig gave Morgie a look of dissapointment. "Congratulations, you passed."

"Ah, I sure love these online videos." Jaden Yuki said, closing the live stream video-link on his phone, focusing his attention now on his targets.