Vengeance, Card Games and Magic

Chapter 7.1–Yargh hargh, fiddle ti dee! Dafuq Is Happening?

Hey hey hey! It's time for the super ponies super show! Do not question why I made this chapter in two parts, so be happy and read this.

Kaiba's Pad…

On the beanbag to the left of a sleeping Solomon Mutou, the young Mokuba Kaiba just sat there, waiting for his brother to return. He did this mainly because there was nothing else to do. Any normal twelve year old would rejoice if they had access to billions of dollars, but considering most of his time involved being kidnapped, Mokuba never had time to be a kid. His entire life revolves around his brother who he loves and adores, which is pretty stupid of him, considering that Seto only half-‘cares’ for his younger sibling.

Why am I writing a narrative showing how much Mokuba gets neglected? I might as well start explaining the entire plotline of The Twilight Saga, because more people actually give a crap about that kind of garbage. I mean seriously, how many people dedicate their lives to hating that more than what Hitler did? A lot of people, that’s what.

There are armies of people out there, sitting in their basements, watching what their enemies do and dedicating their lives to downvote and hate everything that one person does. Where is the love in this world…

As I type, people constantly following Justin on Face-whatchamacallit and disliking what he does. They don’t realise that they are actually caring about what they do. And when Seto ignores his brother, or tells him to shut up, he is caring about Mokuba. He makes the effort to speak to him and still acknowledges him as a brother. It is this, which makes Mokuba believe in his brother. It is this, which is his duty in life. It is–

[Yes Saker? What is it?]

[Do you realise that no one cares about you or me at all? Everyone who is reading this is only caring about Yu-Gi-Oh! and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We are redundant in this world; we are mere background characters, made as filler whilst trying to avoid circle-jerking off as much as a writer can. We… Are nothing… But we're still more important than Ryo.]

[Except him. Now run along, I have a story to continue writing.]

“It’s so lonely without you bro…” He quietly complains to himself, wiping a tear away from his left eye. “I guess this is how you feel when I get kidnapped…”

[Saker! Language!]

  {Translation: Fuck it all.}

[Much better.]

Behind Mokuba, his brother’s employees, Grüber and Hans, appeared with a tray of baked goods. “Kleine Führer, we have made zese delicious chocolate chip cookies in ze shape of ze late Führer’s face to make you feel better. Heil Kaiba!” They said in their stereotypical German accents that totally did not make them sound like Neo-Nazis.

“Thanks you guys…” Mokuba said, taking a bite out of the cookie he just picked up. “You know what, I think that out there, beyond our world, my big brother is trying his best to find his way back to me. Maybe it’s the thought of being away from me that strives him to make his way back me. I know he has to come back; I just know it! I–“

Brutally interrupting Mokuba’s heart-felt speech, the Dimensional Gateway System™ whirred to life. Appearing in a blinding flash of light, the main cast arrived from the previous chapter.

As Yuig and his friends stepped out as if nothing ever happened, the Mane Six and Spike looking at the sites of the strange and fascinating place that was Kaiba’s basement.

The first thing Kaiba said as he left the landing zone of the DGS was: “I’m back, bitches!”

“Herr Kaiba!” Hans and Grüber said in unison, excited to hear of their Führer.

Mokuba perked up almost instantly. “Seto! You finally came back! I–“

“Shut the f*ck up Mokuba!” Kaiba said with a smile on his face. “My god it feels so good to say that!”

≤Why a puppy? Couldn’t it be a raccoon or something else that dies?≥

[No one ever cares about the trees! He killed a puppy!]

“…Is this how humans treat their younger siblings?” Twilight wondered why Kaiba was smiling.

“No, that’s just Kaiba,” Yugi shrugged. “Emotionless and uncaring are understatements of Kaiba’s capacity for acting normal.”

“I can’t wait to go outside see how society functions in this world of yours!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”  Joey threw his hands up into the air. “Everyone who sees you is gonna be freaked out more than if they saw Lady Gaga showing off her latest fashion monstrosities!”

“I bet it isn’t that bad.” Rarity gave her input on the comment.

“Trust me.”  Yami interjected. “It’ll be better for her if she went on the streets naked. And I’m not even kidding.”

Pinkie just looked around, planning in her head exactly where decorations for potential parties could be placed. “So I guess we’re stuck here for the next couple of chapters.”

“Mabye… But we might have to check the scripts again.” Kaiba scowled. “Who knows what were gonna be facing next.”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait…” Applejack said, confused with the breaking of the fourth wall. “Y’all had a script?”

“Um, duh! How else was I going to fake the out of character moments? Cocaine?”

“Pinkie, do you have one?” Twilight turned to meet her hyperactive pink friend

The pink Earth pony just giggled. “I left it in the chimney back at your place, silly me!”

“Anyway, Mr. Muto and I have to find the script so we can understand what’s happening in this f*cked up story! I may have packed it away in one of these boxes.” Kaiba indicated towards the heap of boxes stacked to the side of the room.

“Mutou.” Yugi corrected.

“What?”

“Mutou, that’s how you spell it. Mutou.”

“Muto, Mutou; who cares? There aren’t spell checks for what you say. Wanna duel about it?”

“Erm… No. I don’t really feel like forfeiting another game against you.”

“What if I made bawk bawk sounds that compared you to a Scootalou?”

“It’s spelt Scootaloo.” Twilight then corrected Kaiba

“See the difference?” Yugi looked back at everyone else. “This is the problem with different ways of spelling a name. It’s spelling Dashie with a y; it’s spelling Pinkie with a y. In fact, it’s mostly spelling anything that’s supposed to end in an ie with a y.”

“At least I call you something canon.” Kaiba offered ‘sympathy’ for his rival. “Be grateful for that.”

“Fine Kaiba… If anyone else wants to help, now’s the time.”

“I’ll start helping by opening this random card board box.” Joey pulled aside

“Oh my god! Joey!” Téa annoyingly opens her ugly face. “You’re finally rescuing me from this indestructible cardboard nightmare! I was running out of ideas to put in my fan fic, and then I thought to myself, ‘What would AllyOJustice do?’”

“Shut up cardboard box! AllyOJustice would have questioned Kaiba’s use of his Season One cards!”

“Look,” Kaiba began to explain himself. “There were only two cards in that deck from the first season and considering that I beat Yugi in a duel, I thought they had to be good luck charms.”

Yugi signed in disappointment. “I forfeited that duel because if I won, you were going to either cry like a little baby or kill yourself like an emo.”

“Why didn’t you win?” Joey just stared back at his friend. “All of our problems could have been solved. I mean, this would have never happened, and our lives would have been normal, if not, better than before!”

“It was Season One! No one knew how to play the damn card game properly and I still thought Kaiba was a nice guy!”

“Riiiiiiiight!” Everyone apart from Yugi joined in on, even those two German guys.

Pinkie and Tristan finished off with a simple: “We don’t believe you!”

“Still, I hate you cardboard box!” Joey landed a kick onto the box. “AllyOJustice is one of the greatest minds of our generation!”

“And the shout-outs become cornier.” Yugi commented to himself.

Téa tried to reason with Joey once more. “Joey, it’s me, Téa! I–“

“No it is not me! Because I am me, and that makes you not me!” Joey said, closing up the cardboard box once again.

“Let me out of here you stupid bastards!” She screeched, banging helplessly against the villainous cardboard menace.

“And now purpleeyeswtf is going to kill us all.” Tristan helplessly gestured.

“That’s if he finds us.” Pinkie added.

Twilight stood there, looking confused. “Who is this purpleeyes?”

“Another abridger,” Yugi filled in Twilight on the information. “Kind of like Littlekuriboh. Only he’s more… He has a habit of… Look, he does whatever the hell he wants, and as long as he doesn’t find us, we’ll be safe.”

“But doesn’t purpleeyes like ponies?” Duke asked, his theme music not being where it should due to some major slacking by the writer.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? He had them in at least one episode of None Piece and Code MENT.”

“What does MENT mean?” Fluttershy gave a look of confusion.

“I know!” Rainbow Dsah gave “Menopausing Equestrians Need Tranquilizers, and boy does Twilight need those!”

“Hey!” Twilight gave a look, clearly telling Dashie to ‘Leave me alone or I’ll tear out your endocrine system and beat you with it’. It was that specific.

“Good call, Miss ‘Totally-Not-Trying-To-Flirt-With-Her-Friends’.” Yami replied.

“Yeah, I definitely agree with that.”

“Screw you!” Dashie shouted in her raspy, slightly boyish voice. “I am NOT a LESBIAN! Even Slorgy thinks and says that, therefore it must be true!”

“We’re going off topic here!” Yugi replied.

“MENT means: Making Enchiladas; No Tacos, silly!”

“No, no, no; it’s Mega Eveready Nano Trolleys. Get it right!”

“Now it’s getting annoying.” Yugi commented again as everyone else continued to list out possible meanings.

“Mint Encased Nanny Treats!”

“Mike Epps Never Tried!”

“Middle European Nazi Training.”

“My Erget Needs Tanning!”

“If everyone would stop talking for a second and pay attention to me,” Kaiba butted into the conversation again. “I found a page of the script.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Really? What does it say?”

“Show me!” Yami shouted.

“Okay then… “ Kaiba pulled out the sheet.

{This is what they saw…}

“… I’m not sure if I should continue; It gets pretty good later on with the va-ginias and pe-nieces, whatever they are.”

“Not really…” Yugi looked skeptical. “This is useless considering we don’t know who any of those people are.”

“Let me read the whole thing in the bathroom!” Twilight blurted out, her face blushing a bright crimson-red.

“…Why?’ Duke filled the awkward silence.

“Because I’m going to… analyze it’s… er… energy readings! That’s right; Energy readings.”

Rarity just seemed confused. “Twilight, I’ve never heard of such a ridiculous thing!”

“Trixie also agrees; Twilight is making this all up.” Trixie did the annoying third-person thing.

“No I’m not!” Twilight tried her best to come up with a lie. “If I can… Um…”

“Read its energy?”

“Yes, if I can do that, we may find the other pages.”

Kaiba became overly dramatic and wanted to end his project. “Quickly go to the bathroom and read, read the energy like the wind!”

As Twilight ran off with the rest of the pages in her magical grasp, she entered the lift and went out of their sight… It took Seto a decent half hour to figure something out.

“…She’s not reading its energy, is she?”

“Nope.” AJ shook her head.

“No way.” Rarity sighed.

“Nuh-uh.” Spike said, staring at Rarity’s sweet flank.

“I reckon she’s doing it.” Rainbow smirked.

“Dashie!” Pinkie exclaimed in confusion. “We just said she probably isn’t!”

“Pinkie… She’s doing it, if you catch my drift.”

“…I still don’t get it… Oh now I do… And now I can’t stop thinking about it. Help me.”

In a prison cell far, far away, in a place that is so remote and devoid of fast Internet connection, popular culture, and Twinkies, ruled by an orangutan with a hairy fist… Otherwise known as the inside of an Australian prison, or the outside; It’s getting hard to tell…

“I can't help to feel as though they have forgotten about us.” Bakura said, looking out across the empty corridor where dust accumulated in the vacant cells. That was pretty much everywhere but their cell.

“Ugh! I can't take this place anymore!” Bon Bon screamed out loud, stamping her hooves in annoyance. “It's just so… So…”

Lyra looked up from her prototype plushie doll she called Wilson the Human. “Dark?”

“Cold and miserable?” Was what Bakura had to suggest.

Marik took his eyes off his comic book. “Smelly?”

“Boring!” Bon Bon gestured towards the ceiling pathetically. “There is nothing to do here!”

“Well I just pass the time by reading some erotic yaoi.” Marik said as he went back to reading his pornographic novel, which he found to be quite good considering the minimal lighting and pricey electricit–

“Good for you Mari–Wait. Where exactly did you get that from?”

“Did you have to sell your body to the other prisoners?” Lyra looked concern for the possible thought of her newfound boyfriend being violated.

“No. That's his own copy.” Bakura reassured her, taking the comic book from Marik. “I can tell from the distinct discolouring from his fake tan.”

“This tan is a hundred percent genuine!” Snatching back the comic book hastily to read the next chapter. “I just use some for the lighter skin tones on my body.”

Lyra just glanced at the comic book, and then back to Marik. “…Where exactly did you keep that comic book?”

“It's where I keep everything on me:” He pointed towards his gluteus maxims. “Clenched firmly between by buttocks!”

“You're kidding.” Bon Bon said flatly.

Bakura just sighed in disappointment. “I believe Marik is being serious here.”

“Who knows what else lies in that place…” Lyra just stared at Marik’s perfectly formed cheeks.

This then coincidently gave Bakura an epiphany for the matter at hand. Long story short, he got an idea. “Marik, take off your pants.”

“That trick is not going to work on me this time!” Marik proceeded to whine like a little b*tich. “You only made me do that so you could escape the fangirls outside our hotel room!”

“NOW MARIK!” Bakura hollered at him.

“Okay, I'll let you see my beautiful bottom.” Marik unbuckled his chinos and lowered them to show a full moon.

Bakura then turned away from Marik, avoiding any eye contact with it. “Lyra, use your magic to get out what's in there.”

Lyra gave a look of annoyance. “Why?”

“Because we might find a way out of jail.”

“Not good enough.”

“Do you want me to beat your flank into next week, Lyree?” Bon Bon raised a hoof to her face.

“Fine…” Lyra admitted defeat and braced herself for the burning glare of the full moon. “Give me a second to prepare myself. Let's see here… Leg waxing strips, a picture of some random bird…”

“You leave Mr. Tweetums out of this!” Marik defended his precious bird.

“A tampon?” Lrya continued on with her search. “…Some metallic rod and a weird plastic brick.”

“You had your phone on you the whole time?” Bakura calmly spoke to Morik, suppressing his rage.

Marik replied with a simple: “Yes.”

“Then WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU NOT USE IT TO GET US OUT OF HERE?!!”

“I ran out credit.”

“Marik, it's post-paid; there is no credit cap.”

“But if I call someone, I'll have to pay an extra nine cents Bakura. Nine. Cents.”

“Do it Marik! Since you have updated your IPhone, it only has four minutes of battery life. ”

“Okay… Who should I call…” Marik just stared at his long list of contacts on his phone. After making his choice, he placed the phone up to his ear. “Hello? Yes, it's Marik…

             My vacation was great!

                                    …No I'm not in prison!”

He then received multiple daggers as the others stared him down; clearly telling him to focus what was on hand.

≤Morgie, you screwed up the grammar again. You were meant to write: “The others just stared icy daggers at him, causing him to shudder; indicating that he should take some action in which they are released from captivity.” That was awesome. Celebration weed: Here I come!≥

[Here is my argument for everything you said. Saker, take it away.]

“Maybe I did get in a little bit of trouble, but you can get us out, right?

               …Alright then, bye.”

Bon Bon waited patiently for Marik to respond. “Who was that?”

“I don't know. He was listed as one John Smith.” Marik squinted at the contact details.

“Really?” Bakura just said flatly. “John Smith? How bloody generic can you get?”

All Marik could do was offer a shrug. “He was number five on my speed dial.”

“What are his rates? Fifty bits for fifty minutes?” Lyra teased him.

“Hey! *eff* you! This guy is a genius! He told me that all my relatives were exactly like me!”

Bon Bon stared at the ground. “More Mariks… I just cannot see that happening.” She said, processing such a thought.

And then out of nowhere, this sound fills the empty prison with it’s eerie sound.

“No.” Bakura denied what was happening.

“Crap in a bucket!” Marik cried out. “I forgot my makeup!” He then pulled out a blush kit and began to vigorously apply it to his cheeks.

As the blue police box that everyone expects to appear suddenly materializes within the prison cell, a familiar (and possibly unwanted) face peers out from the door. It was Matt Smith.

“Hello, I'm the Doctor.” He said, slowly stepping out of the TARDIS.

Bon Bon was having a moment which many academics in the scientific world call a nerdgasm. “OMG! It's Matt Smith!”

“Ungh, you called HIM?” Bakura complained, not surprised Marik would call someone like him.

“NO! I personally don't like Smith's acting.” Marik reassured himself

“But the series has been on a decline ever since he came on board!”

“That's thanks to the writers.” Lyra tries to semi-defend Matt Smith’s reputation. “I swear, they must be baked when they come up with some of these concepts. Dinosaurs and robots? It just doesn't make sense!”

“And Assylum of the Daleks was awful!” Bon Bon finally agreed to something that made sense.

“Um, excuse me?” Matt Smith was trying to understand what in the name of anything was going on.

“Shut up Matt Smith! We are trying to have an important conversation here!” Marik cut him off.

“I liked Amy Pond.” Bon Bon tried to keep the conversation alive in a desperate way.

“NO!” Lyra shouted in denial. “The Ponds were a terrible concept for the series! We didn't need romance!”

“The Riversong idea makes no bloody sense whatsoever!” Bakura began to get irritated. “It's all: 'Yeah, I'm your wife and you happen to be my parents'.”

The mentioning of his spouse on the show, Alex Kingston, made Matt Smith only curiouser. “How do you know so much about me?”

Interrupting them all, another eerie sound identical to before filled the space.

“Now I wonder who that could be?” Matt Smith spoke again, looking for where the sound was coming from.

As yet another TARDIS materialized, another doctor stepped out. This doctor was much more popular than the other doctor, because he made the series much more tolerable to watch. It was David Tennant.

“Hello, I'm the Doctor.” David Tennant said, observing the prison cell and analyzing it with his sonic screwdriver.

“Yay! It's David Tennant!” Marik squealed in delight.

“Finally someone good showed up.” Bakura smiled slightly.

“How can you be the Doctor when I'm the Doctor?” Matt Smith pulled out his sonic screwdriver and began to analyse David Tennant.

“I believe it’s called time travel, bitch:” Tennant put Smith back in his place where he belongs. “Get used to it.” He then sees Marik and walks over to the tanned Egyptian. “Now Marik, let's get out of here. There's so much to do and so little time!”

“Hang on, you just can't get here and take them with you!”

“Well guess what? Enjoy our new life in another dimension as a pony.”

“What?”

And in that sudden bout of awesomeness, David Tennant Sparta kicks Matt Smith into his TARDIS, setting the coordinates somewhere that wasn't the prison cell. It kind of makes you think about how slack the writer is with forgetting certain parts of the dialogue and putting them in later… I wonder if anyone will notice.

“Hooray! We got rid of Matt Smith!” Marik began to frollick in the cell around David Tennant.

“But doesn’t that create a paradox?” Bon Bon tried to understand how this would actually happen, kind of like trying to understand the impossibilities in Looper.

“There is no paradox whatsoever; he becomes Doctor Whooves.” David Tennant solved the problem and conveniently explained everything.

“How does that make sense?”

“I have no idea. Now let's get out of here! We need to get back to London now because something very, very bad is going to happen soon.”

“In the future?” Lyra asked, hoping to see space ponies, or maybe even an advanced alien race.

“No, right now. London just happens to be our first stop.”

Bakura sighed inwardly as he realised the irony in his speech. “I suppose it's better than this gloomy place.”

“But home is home, right fellow Britishman?” David Tennant said with a cheery look on his face.

“…You know that I’m just gay, right?” Bakura gave The Doctor a weird look.

“Just get in!” David Tennant frantically gestured towards the TARDIS. “This is a matter of if the universe wishes to continue existing or not!”

And so our brave heroes set out for the journey of a lifetime as they made their way into the police box. Stay tuned and click the like button for another episode… of… NONE PIECE!

[Okay, now purpleeyes is going to kill me.]

≤Hello my fellow subjects! This is your ruler and your god, Chris. I am here today to talk to you about a few errors that appeared in previous chapters.≥

≤Firstly, let’s get one thing straight: I do not like Nickelback. My drugs are the only things that allow me to breathe properly and listen to their horrible music. They wrote one good song and they ruined it by singing it themselves. And I do not look like Chad Kroger.≥

[I second that.]

≤Shut up! I am not a meme!≥

[So is Millhouse but he still is one regardless.]

≤Silence! …Now. The second, and the most important part of this announcement is that I am a god. And f*ck anyone who says otherwise!≥

≤You have been warned. Now remember to vote Chris as your senator for the 2012 Elections and choose weed as your religion!≥

[You’re totally not a rip-off of DC’s Snowflame, which in turn is a rip-off of Marvel’s Deadpool.]

≤Shut up, Morgie! I can be whoever I want!≥