Dan Vs... Stuff

by neorenamon

Twilight rushed to the door as she heard the arguing continue outside. The sound seemed to be moving closer to the door. As she threw it open, the tall blue jay guy was getting ready to knock.

"Hey!" said the smaller raccoon dude.

"Whoa!" said the taller bird dude, "It's a female horse with wings and a horn!"

"We are not in Kansas anymore!" agreed the shorter one.

"Uh... Hi there," said Twilight awkwardly, "I'm an alicorn Princess. Twilight Sparkle's the name."

"Okay!" said the tall one, "This must be some kind of weird ass dream!"

"Well it has to be your dream because I don't have ones like this! I mean really: Twilight Sparkle?! The cartoons I watched as a kid didn't have names this bad!"

"There's no need to be rude to her, Rigby!" called the female robin from the back of the strange cart.

"Say, can you tell us where we are?" asked the taller one.

"Well, this is... Ponyville..." she said as she looked around.

"What's wrong with us?!" asked Rigby, "What's the deal, Mordecai?!"

"She's not looking at us!" he replied.

"This isn't right," she said softly.

"What's not right?" asked the robin.

"I don't know, Margaret," replied Mordecai, "She hasn't said yet."

She ran around the side of the library looking off in the distance. "The Castle of Friendship!" she cried, "Where is it?!"

"Castle of what?!" asked Rigby as the two of them followed her.

"This library was blown up weeks ago," she said as she stared off into the distance, "and the Castle that should be on the edge of town... is gone!"

"Well I guess a Princess should have a castle or something," muttered the taller bird.

"I should have guessed that something was wrong when all we saw was these pastel horses as we drove in," said Rigby.

She looked back as she said simply, "We're ponies, not horses."

"But you have a horn and wings!" said Mordecai.

"And I saw some horses... ponies that had wings and some that had horns!"

"We have Pegasi, Unicorns and Earth ponies in Ponyville," she replied, "But presently I'm the only alicorn in town."

"What the hell?!" called a voice from the front, "A bird chick?! What's up with that?!"

They ran back to see Dan confronting Margaret.

"What's wrong with female avians?!" asked Mordecai as they came into view.

"Bird brains talk?!" asked Dan loudly.

"DAN!" scolded Twilight, "That's not a nice thing to say!"

"I can speak for myself Jerk," said Margaret as she got out of the side of the cart away from Dan.

"There's no need for..." began Rigby. But when Dan turned, his black t-shirt said clearly in large white letters 'JERK!'. "Oh never mind," he said as he blinked at the sight. They could see cake frosting all around his mouth as he glared at them.

"How come he's the only human we've seen around here?" asked Mordecai.

"You know what humans are?!" asked Twilight curiously.

"Well of course we do!" said Rigby, "We work with them all the time!"

"Dan is the ONLY human in all of Equestria... that I know of."

She noticed that Starlight, Fluffle and Chrissy were coming to the door behind them. Fluffle seemed to be moving oddly as if walking on two legs wasn't normal for her. But the Changeling Queen put her arm about her chest as she helped her walk along.

"Okay," said Rigby, "This is now officially weird!"

"I still think this is your fault!" growled the blue jay.

The raccoon growled as the two of them began sissy slapping at each other.

"Stop it!" called Margaret and Twilight at the same time, "This violence won't solve anything!" Then the two of them paused and blinked at each other.

"Stereo," muttered Dan and Rigby together.

Starlight Glimmer came up to the door as the others moved out in front of the Library. "This is all my fault," she said as she looked down.

"No!" said Twilight, "Your spell worked like it was supposed to. Something else happened when we returned to the present."

"Well, I don't see what changed," she mused, "I thought I saw Spike sucked in behind us while reading that..."

"Comic Book!" said her and Twilight as one.

"Spike was reading one of his Power Ponies Comics!" added Twilight, "Those are enchanted!"

"I'm sure your comic books can be enchanting,.." said Mordecai.

"No!" she interrupted, "They are quite literally charged with magic! The magic on the book must have interfered with the Time Portal!"

"So just... send us back or something!" snapped the little raccoon dude.

"I..." she stammered, "I don't know how!"

"That's just GREAT!"

"Rigby!" interrupted Margaret, "We don't know that we aren't still in our own world! So get your butts back in the golf cart! We have to drive back and see if the Park is actually gone!"

"That sounds like a plan!" said Mordecai as he ran back for the cart, "Margaret is so smart!"

"Suckup," muttered Rigby as he and Margaret followed behind.

"We should come with!" called Twilight.

"There's only room for one more!" called the tall blue jay.

"I can fly!"

"Of course you can," muttered the small raccoon guy.

"I'm coming too!" said Starlight Glimmer.

Fluffle gave a short gasp.

"I don't know why," said the Changeling Queen, "but Fluffle and I are coming too!"

"Well I'm staying right here!" grumbled Dan.

He drove off as Twilight and Chrissy flew after them. Twilight's horn was glowing. Starlight's whole body glowed as if running on air, and Fluffle's whole body glowed the same color as Twilight's horn glow. They travelled several miles out of town before Mordecai said, "I don't recognize any of this! The park is missing! We're stuck in a world of pastel ponies!"

"Just calm down and drive back to that tree library," said Margaret calmly, "I'm sure we can work something out with that magical winged unicorn girl."

"I'm an alicorn Princess!" called Twilight from overhead.

"Whatever," muttered Rigby, "She ain't the boss of me."

The group therefore drove/flew/levitated themselves back towards the Golden Oak Library.

Mordecai leaned out the window and called up to Twilight, "You said before that your Library was destroyed and you had a castle. So what's up with that?!"

"I don't know yet!" she called back down.

They came back towards Ponyville more slowly than they drove out, so he looked out the window and noticed something he hadn't paid attention to before.

"Is that an apple orchard?!" he asked as he called up.

"Yeah," replied Twilight, "That's Ponyville's own Sweet Apple Acres!"

"You don't think they'd mind if we took a few?" he asked back, "I haven't eaten since this morning and I'm starving."

"Me too!" agreed Rigby.

"I guess they won't miss a few," replied Twilight as the cart pulled to the side of the road. The guys climbed out and hopped the fence.

"You gonna climb this tree or me?" asked Mordecai.

"I'm better suited..." began Rigby.

"No one has to climb anything," said Twilight as her horn glowed. Several red delicious apples popped from the branches to float down to the blue jay and raccoon's open arms. Some also went to the open hands of the others as well.

"Magic must be so cool," said Rigby in awe.

"It's not like we can do any," muttered Mordecai.

Just then, a small collie dog came barking and running down the fence line.

"Hey Winona!" called Twilight, "How's it going there, girl?!"

"The dogs talk here too?!" asked Rigby.

"Just the large ones," she replied, "and you don't want to meet them." She flew down to scratch Winona behind the ears.

Mordecai tossed a couple of big apples to Margaret as Rigby bit into one of his. They ate for a few minutes while Twilight continued to pet the collie until they all heard the ominous click of a shotgun hammer.

"What we all have here is some apple thieves!" said a big red Earth pony stallion as he aimed a double barrelled shotgun at them aiming from the hip. From where he was, he couldn't see Twilight and Winona behind one of the apple trees.

There was a flash of light as Twilight appeared in front of the shotgun barrels and said, "No! They aren't thieves!"

"What all are ya doin there, Princess?!" he said as he turned the gun away from her.

"Don't be angry with them!" she pleaded, "I said they could have some apples!"

"Well..." he replied slowly, "If'n it's an order from a Princess an all..."

"It's not an order," she answered, "I swear I'll pay for these later."

"Okay..." he said slowly, "But ya don't have to pay us fer a few apples, your Princess-ship."

"I would feel bad if I didn't give you something for them."

"Alrighty then."

"So... we'll be going back to Ponyville now... So sorry to bother you," she said awkwardly.

"Oh, don't think nothin of it." He tipped his Stetson hat back and scratched his forehead until they were out of his sight. "Princess Twilight shore has been hangin out with some weirdos lately," he muttered as he went back along the fence line.

"We need to go to the site where the castle was," said Starlight, "My spell was based on the notion that the map existed."

"I think we need Spike's comic book too," replied Twilight, "That may be as much a key to... fix things... as much as the map is."

She paused a few seconds before she nodded in agreement. So they went back to the Library to look for the Power Ponies Comic Book. When they got back, they could see Spike taking out the trash in a trash bag as large as he was.

"Spike?" asked Twilight, "Have you seen a Power Ponies Comic Book laying around?"

"Oh yeah," he said, "I was about to throw away that literary piece of garbage."

Everyone else could have been bowled over by a feather at that point.

"No no no!" blurt out Twilight, "I need that book... for... uhm..."

"Research!" chimed in Starlight, "She needs it for research on the mind of foal, colts and fillies!"

"Sounds dumb to me," he said as he untied the bag, "but I guess I can't stop you from wasting time on it." He stuck his claw into the bag and began fishing about until he popped the comic book out. The book was stained by things Twilight and the others didn't want to think about, but she was far too worried to think about that as she snatched the book from Spike.

"This may sound... like an odd question..." she said awkwardly.

"No, that dress doesn't make your butt look big," he replied quickly.

"What?! No no no. I was just wondering if you know of any... strange looking crystal tables... on the outskirts of Ponyville."

"No, I can't say I've heard about anything like that," he mused as he closed up the bag.

"This might be a bigger problem than we thought," she said quietly to Starlight.

"Can't you just make a new map-table?" replied Starlight.

"No," she answered quickly, "I had no part in making any part of the Castle of Friendship. It was all a prefab that came in a small box with six keyholes. That's one reason why there's no signs in the castle because I'm not really sure to hang things on doors or the wall next to said doors. Normal glue doesn't stick to it."

"That... surely is a problem..."

Mordecai and Rigby walked over as the tall bird asked, "So what are you gals talking about?"

"Sending you home might be a little harder and take a little longer then we thought," replied Twilight.

"So where are we supposed to stay until this gets fixed?" asked Rigby.

"I... guess... you're going to have to sleep in my room until... I can send you back home."

"Where are you going to sleep?" asked Margaret as she walked up behind.

"Oh, I've spent a lot of time sleeping on a pile of books," she replied with an awkward grin, "It's... no big deal."

"Well Margaret gets the bed..." offered Mordecai.

"Why does she get the bed?!" asked Rigby.

"Because she's a lady and we're gentlemen," he retorted.

"I like your gentlemanly ways," said Margaret as she walked up and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"It's still the same room," muttered Rigby.

"Besides," growled Dan, "My bed is right across from Twilight's and nothing's happened between us."

"Hey," said Spike, "Why don't the dudes sleep in Dan's bed, and Twilight and Margaret can share Twilight's bed?"

"I can really..." offered Twilight.

"That's fine," said Margaret, "I don't mind the company as long as Twilight doesn't mind."

"Are you sure because..."

"I'm sure," she replied with a grin.

"Don't I get a say in this?!" asked Dan.

Fluffle blew raspberries at Dan while making huge puppydog eyes at him.

"Don't you use that cutesy voice on me!" he retorted, "It won't work!" To prove his point, he turned around to look away from Fluffle.