Dan Vs... Stuff

by neorenamon

"There must be something we can do to get ourselves back to our proper home," muttered Mordecai as he walked down the stairs.

"I think that magic somehow got us here," said Rigby as he followed his friend downstairs, "so magic must be the key to going back."

"We don't know diddly about magic."

"I betcha Skips would know what to do," sighed the raccoon, "He seems to know just about everything."

"Who or what is a Skips?" asked Dan.

"Oh, he's the immortal yeti we mentioned last night," replied the blue jay, "It's not his real name, but everyone just calls him that."

"Funny, I thought something as big and bad as a yeti would have... a more impressive nickname than Skips."

"That's because the dude is pretty low key where we live. He doesn't like to make a scene if he doesn't have to."

"Well I love to make a scene," replied the Jerk, "It's what adds spice to life."

"If you've been alive as long as Skips, spice doesn't seem so important anymore."

"I don't think I could stand to be immortal then."

"Well I'd love to be immortal," said Rigby, "Pulling pranks on people for the rest of time, and always having new suckers to prank every fifty or a hundred years. I'd be so into that."

"So just how does magic work here?" asked Mordecai to Dan.

"I'm not sure I understand it all still, but it seems there's three ways to do magic: Be born with a horn, be able to mix potions or have some magical relic thingy."

"I don't have a horn," muttered Rigby.

"And I don't think we have the time to learn about potions," agreed Mordecai.

"Just between you and me," said Dan as he pulled the two dudes closer, "Twilight has one of those magical relic things. I saw it once. Something like... the Alicorn Amulet, I think."

"But we aren't alicorns."

"No, the amulet thing grants the wearer the powers of an alicorn, and that's massive magic. Or at least that's what Twilight said to me when I noticed her checking up on it one time."

"Have you used it?" asked Rigby.

"With all these magical ponies and things around, I haven't had the need to. But then I'm not trying to get back home. My home now is in Equestria with these blathering pastel ponies... and stuff."

"Hey! That sounds like a great plan! You said you know where she keeps this amulet thing?!"

"Rigby!" said the tall blue jay, "I don't know about messing with such powerful relics. We could just make things worse than they already are. Perhaps it's..."

"It won't hurt to just look at it!" snapped the raccoon, and then said to Dan, "You can show it to us, right?"

"I... know a few things about Twilight's safe and how to get into it," he replied slyly, "So sure you can see it." He looked around before he added, "Just don't mention this to anyone else. Just letting them know I can get into her safe will make them change the combination and I really need to keep a few of my... more precious things safe in that safe."

"That means we aren't going to touch anything," said Mordecai as he looked down on Rigby, "Right?!"

"Absolutely!" he answered.

"Then we need to move to the back storage area without being seen," said Dan as he crept across the floor.

"Ninja stuff," he replied, "Got it."

The three of them snuck their way into the back storage room where all manner of books and a few paintings were stored for safe keeping. Dan moved up to a large painting of a unicorn with a massive beard.

"It's behind the painting of Starscream the Hairy," muttered Dan as he opened the painting like a small door. Behind the painting was a safe with a four digit combination lock. He dialed in the combination '1-2-3-4' and then turned the handle to open the fairly large safe door.

"Why is it the smartest people have the simplest combinations?" muttered Mordecai.

He reached in and pulled out a candy bar. Then he looked about as he asked "What?!"

"Candy bars?"

"Hey, it's the only way to make sure I have them when I need them," he replied as he opened the wrapper and shoved it in his face, "and besides, I know full well that the Willhewankher Corporation is out to rule the world!.. of Equestria!"

"Oh!" said Rigby as he pulled out a small jeweled box, "Is this it?!"

"We aren't supposed to touch anything!" whined Mordecai.

"Yeah, that's the one," said Dan as he chewed, "The key is in the envelope marked 'Alicorn Amulet Key'. What passes for security around here is really lame."

So the raccoon grabbed the envelope as he took them both to the nearest reading table. He dumped the key out and then opened the box as they all stared at what lay iside the box.

"Black and red?!" asked the blue jay dude, "Isn't that kinda edgy?!"

"What?!" asked Dan.

"Sorry, I... have a few brony friends!"

"Aha!" said the raccoon dude, "That explains the strange cartoon tape I found in your stuff that one time!"

"That... wasn't mine!" he protested, "And I keep telling you to stop messing with my stuff! Now just close the box and put it... NO!!"

Rigby had already put the Amulet on and his eyes glowed with power. "YES!!" he growled, "So much power! I can do... ANYTHING!! Going back home will be CHILD'S PLAY to the LIKES OF ME!!"

"I wish Skips was here!!" yelled Mordecai.

Black lightning began to crackle around Rigby's body as he raised his hands. "I AM NOW A GOD!!" he laughed darkly.

"Fluffle," said a familiar voice, "What's so important that you have to drag me..."

Dan and Mordecai turned to see Twilight being dragged by the hand by the pink fluff with Chrissy, Starlight Glimmer and Margaret right behind her.

"NO!!" she screamed, "The ALICORN AMULET!! It turns it's user EVIL!!"

"DAN!" yelled Mordecai, "You kinda didn't mention that part!"

"I didn't know!" he protested, "I always thought that Trixie was just a jerk and a showoff from the get go!"

"You have to get Rigby to take it off of his own free will!" said the violet alicorn.

"NOT UNTIL WE GO HOME!!" said the glowing red-eyed raccoon, "AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN THEN!! I DON'T NEED ANY MAGIC MAP TABLES OR STUPID COMIC BOOKS NOW!!"

"He's losing control of himself!"

"AFTER THAT, I KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR JUST DESSERTS COMING TO THEM!!"

"I did not see this coming," muttered Dan, "or why I didn't do this sooner myself."

"DAN!!" screamed Twilight.

"What?! Just sayin over here."

"Rigby!" said Margaret as she stepped closer, "You have to take that evil thing off! It's not who you are!"

"Since we're such good friends, Mordecai," he said to the blue jay, "I'll give you a PRESENT!"

He snapped his fingers and the robin was suddenly naked. Then he did it again and her feminine shape vastly increased, especially her her chest and butt while her waist actually shrunk. She seemed stunned at the sudden transformation.

"I don't want it like this!" protested Mordecai, "This is so many level of WRONG!"

"I can even FORCE her to fall in love with you," he said with a wicked grin, "She'll be yours FOREVER!"

"PLEASE!" she begged, "DON'T DO IT!"

"I'm begging you to stop this at once!" added the blue jay, "As your best friend, I'm begging you to just stop and take that stupid thing off you neck right now!"

Chrissy stepped up and put her hand on his shoulder as her horn glowed brightly. "He can't be reasoned with now!" she called as she blasted Rigby with a green energy blast from her horn that sent him through the wall. She looked at him and said, "You really must love her if I can get so much love power from you."

"Wait!" protested the robin, "Mordecai... loves me?!"

"Well... uhm..." said Mordecai, "You see..."

"I see this can wait until later!" she said as she dove through the hole.

"YOU BE SO SORRY YOU MESSED WITH THE LIKES OF ME!!" growled Rigby as he stood up. They could see the marks he left in the dirt as he slid back a good thirty feet from Chrissy's attack spell.

The Fluffle jumped on the Queen's back as her horn glowed even brighter. "You're the one who's going to be sorry you messed with someone's heart!" she growled as she blasted him again and sent him back another good thirty feet.

"SEE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE BEING PATHETIC AND POWERLESS AS I WAS!!" he replied as he shot the Queen with eye beams. There was a bright green explosion of light, and what appeared when the light faded was a female version of normal Rigby.

"My powers!!" cried the now raccoon female. Her knees buckled under the weight of the Fluffle on her back.

"I have to try something!" said Starlight as she blasted him with her crystal entrapment spell, but hardly a second seemed to pass before the possessed raccoon burst out, showering the area with crystal shards.

"You were never pathetic or powerless!" cried Margaret as she backed away from the scene.

"WELL DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU?!" he hollered at the blue jay. His hands glowed as he pointed his fingers at Mordecai and Margaret. "NOW GO GET HER!!" yelled the dark raccoon as Mordecai and Margaret were made to glow and were forced into each other's arms.

"NO!! NOT LIKE!!.." he protested as he was cut off by a forced kiss to Margaret's beak.

"Mmmppphhh!" she objected.

His arms were forced around her torso even as they kissed against their wills. They closed their eyes because it seemed to make things more acceptable. That Rigby wasn't the one who was doing this to them.

Rigby let out a dark and evil laugh as he watched his two friends forced to kiss. "Now it's time to take this show BACK HOME!!" he called as he raised his hands. A massive black vortex of spinning clouds appeared that covered most of Ponyville area high in the sky. Winds began to grow as air moved towards the vortex.

"Even I'm not this big of a jerk!" growled Dan as he as he ran back into the Library.

Small loose objects began to be sucked upwards toward the swirling energy. Mostly sand and loose dirt, but the sucking action continued to grow even stronger over time. He laughed as he compelled his best friend to feel up his secret love's back moving lower towards her more motherly butt and hips.

"Mmmmmm!" he protested through the forced kiss.

"Mmm?!" she moaned back.

"IT'S FINALLY TIME TO END THIS!" roared someone. They all looked back to see Dan holding the now dirty Power Ponies Comic Book in his hand. Before anypony could ask, he threw the book as hard as he could right into the vortex. Bright white light beams began to erupt from the vortex in all directions. "Besides, I hate comics!" he announced at the vortex exploded. Everyone was blinded by the light for a moment.

When the light cleared, a few things became apparent. They weren't in Ponyville anymore. Margaret was back to her normal shape, but still naked in Mordecai's arm. Because of their balance, he seemed reluctant to let her go in case she might fall down. Rigby was back to normal as well as Chrissy, and the raccoon was no longer wearing the Alicorn Amulet. It didn't seem to be anywhere in the area.

"Hey!" he protested, "How did we get here?!"

"Don't you remember putting on that Alicorn Amulet thing?!" asked the blue jay.

"What amulet?! Dan never showed us any amulets!"

"He doesn't remember what he did," said Margaret softly before she hugged Mordecai and dragged him into a kiss.

"Mmm?!" asked Mordecai into the kiss which lasted a few minutes.

When the kiss broke off, she asked, "So... you really are in love with me?"

He nodded energetically.

"How did you know about the comic book?!" asked Twilight as she looked at Dan.

"Some big white hairy dude got in my head and told me what I had to do," he replied as he shivered, "I never want to see him again."

"SKIPS!!" shouted Rigby.

They looked at the odd tree house as Mordecai grumbled, "I hope it's just Keebler elves this time..."

Then the door opened as a kid in a funny hood holding a sword came out. He was followed by an odd looking orange dog. Behind them was a very long tubular looking rainbow unicorn the likes of which none of them had ever seen before.

"WHAT DA MATH?!" he exclaimed as he held out the sword.