Dan Vs... Stuff

by neorenamon

"Okay," said Finn, "We'll get your Princess back from the Ice King. You guys hang out here until we get back with her."

"No way!" replied Chrissy, "Twilight's our friend and I shall help get her back."

"Look, we've dealt with the Ice King before and we're getting to be old pros at it."

"Obviously you aren't nearly good enough if he's managed to pull this off so many times."

"Hey, he's a King after all. It's not like we can just toss him in a dungeon or something."

"You'd think with the number of times he's been defeated by now," added Jake, "He'd get the message through his icy skull."

"Then perhaps it's time he learned a new lesson."

"Look, you don't have to go," said Finn.

"Then you're going to have to fight me to stop me from coming with you," snarled the Changeling Queen.

"Okay Finn," said Jake as he put a hand on his shoulder, "She's her friend and we don't have to right to stop her from helping."

"I... just don't want to put anyone else in danger," he replied.

"An admirable trait for damsels in distress, but I assure you I can look after myself."

The Fluffle Puff blew a series of long and short raspberries.

"And I'm sure that the Fluffle here can look after herself too. She wants to be close because she's the primary source of love when I need to charge up my magic. Besides, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I'm sure this Ice King has never seen before."

"O Jake," said Lady Rainicorn, "nappunman anila dangsingwa hamkke ol geos-ida."

Jake sighed and said, "Well Lady ain't stayin back here either."

"Alright," said Jake, "Who's coming with me and Jake to rescue Princess Twilight?"

"So far, we've got you, me, Lady, the Changeling Queen, the... pink fluff thing..."

Fluffle blew a long raspberry at Jake.

"I agree," said Chrissy.

"Bunhongsaeg geos-eun hwagsilhi isanghan saengmul ibnida," said Lady.

"I agree," said Jake.

"Anywho," added Finn, "The Ice King lives in his Ice Castle in the Ice Kingdom..."

"How... imaginative."

"It's kinda mountainous, so it's a little hard to get there if you can't fly and you aren't a penguin. He also has a fairly extensive prison and dungeon complex for keeping kidnapped Princesses."

"This guy is supposed to be a King, right?" interrupted Dan.

"Yeah, he is."

"So why doesn't he just buy dates like every other King?" asked Dan suspiciously.

"Because you can't use ice as money!" giggled Jake.

"What?!"

"Dude, almost everything in his kingdom other than the food and drink is made of ice," he said as he glanced at Finn, "but we're not really sure how he keeps his kingdom frozen cuz it's not really that cold all the time. The Ice King is really really old and a lot of things... just aren't known about him anymore."

"I'd suggest we all travel on Lady Rainicorn," mused the Changeling Queen, "but that's too obvious. I suggest we split up into groups and approach his castle from three separate directions. I can fly and carry Fluffle. Finn can go with Jake and his... stretchy powers..."

"And I'll go with Lady," interjected Starlight, "She shouldn't be on her own."

"That's a pretty math idea," said Finn.

"You are going to keep Lady safe?" asked Jake as he looked at Starlight.

"I sweat I shall do so on my own life," she replied.

"If we leave right now, we'll be a the Ice King's castle after sunset," observed Finn, "We can use the cover of darkness to our advantage... as long as we're careful about the monsters that come out a night."

"The monsters of the night should be wary of us!"

"Oh, I like confidence," replied Jake.

"I just have a few things to pack up before we go," said Finn as he grabbed his backpack.

...

Meanwhile, at the Ice King's Ice Castle...

...

"Mmmppphhh?!" protested Twilight as she was carried along by the Ice King.

"I'm sure you'll come to love the Ice Kingdom in time," he replied somewhat distantly, "Then you'll fall in love with me and we can start our own royal family."

"MMM!!"

"I have to say you're pretty attractive, my dear," he added.

"HHHMMM!!!"

"See? You're already warming up to me!" he gushed, "I am such a stud."

'I beg to differ!' she thought, 'and so would most of the other Princesses you grab!'

"Once you realize what a deal you're getting with me," he continued, "I'll let you out of the cell and we can share my bed together."

"MMMMMM MMM HHHMMM, UHM MMMPPPHHH!!" This translated to, 'Not a chance, you creep!'

"See?!" he answered, "I can already tell we're going to get along just fine!"

Twilight sighed in defeat. Soon a mountain of ice came into view with the windows forming the shape of triangular eyes and a mouth. She looked down as they passed over a flock of penguins playing in the snow and ice.

"Hey guys and gals," he called down to them.

They looked up at him and waved their fins as he passed over.

"Unfortunately, getting to know you better will have to wait," he mused, "I'm sure that boy Finn and his dog Jake are coming to spoil my plans once more. But this time, they will not succeed! I'll defeat them and get my Princess!"

'Keep dreaming there weirdo. I'm sure my friends are coming to help me too.'

"You probably have no idea what it's like to live for more than a thousand years mostly alone," he sighed as they came closer to their final destination, "The things I've seen come and go. Kingdoms rise and civilizations fall as I watch them."

"Mmm?!"

"That's why I try so hard to get a Princess to love me," he continued, "After centuries of wooing Princess maidens with no success, I have almost no wealth left. When that didn't work, that's when I decided I could kidnap a Princess so she'd fall in love with me for who I am and not what wealth I own."

Twilight began to feel sympathy for the old coot.

"I can feel that you aren't like the others," he mused, "Maybe you're the one who will fall in love with me at last. Perhaps you're the one who can truly make me feel happy."

They soon flew into the 'mouth' of the mountain. He flew down some corridors, through his throne room and into the back where he kept his Princess prison. She notices that there was something else in the cell already.

"Oh my glob, it's about time you came back!" complained... whatever that creature was. It was a lumpy blobbish thing with arms and a face and a gold star on what was most likely a forehead... of sorts.

"Stick a sock in it, Lumpy Space Princess!" he retorted, "I'll feed you soon enough!"

He opened the cell door and tossed Twilight in.

"In the meantime, you can show this new Princess here the ropes!" he said as he slammed the door shut again.

He snapped his fingers as the ice restraints vanished. Then he turned around and began to walk out.

"See you Princesses in the morning," he said with a wave behind him and a more cheery tone in his voice.

"Like so who might you be?" asked LSP.

"I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle from the Kingdom of Equestria," she replied distantly as she thought, 'I could just teleport away now, but I want to know more about this Ice King and why he's so desperately in need of friendship.'

"I never heard of any Kingdom like that," she answered.

"That's because it's in another dimension."

"Oh! Like Lumpy Space!"

"I guess so," replied Twilight slowly.

"What the heck is taking Finn and Jake so long to save me?!" she hissed, "It's like getting totally boring around here! Does the Ice Kink really think he can win over the likes of me with an ice prison and second rate food?!"

"I guess after a thousand years of trying, it's hard to understand what anyone believes anymore."

"Like what-ever!" she grumbled, "Only being stuck in Lumpy Space is more boring that this!"

"Why does he keep doing this when he keeps failing?!"

"Like I don't know," he muttered, "He's like totally out of his mind."

About then, three penguins came in with two of them carrying trays. One of them seemed to be in charge of the other two. Each tray had some fruit on a plate and something in a cup. They slide the trays under the bars to Twilight and LSP. Then they just turned around and left without comment.

"Well I guess it's better than nothing," said Twilight as she picked up a small red fruit and bit into it. She remembered how the food she ate at Finn and Jake's place made her upchuck because of how bad it tasted. Then she sipped the drink and guess it was just water with a touch of some kind of liquor added to keep it sterile and safe to drink.

"FIne!" grumbled LSP as she started eating too, "Whatever!" Then she paused to call, "Come on, Finn and Jake! Where are you?!"

"I take it you like those two?"

"Like totally no!" she grumbled, "but they're like two of the biggest heroes in the Land of Ooo."

"That's funny... in the land I come from, me and my friends are the biggest heroes of the land... more or less."

LSP shrugged.

"I just hope we can find a way back home soon," she sighed, "but we need someone good at magic and I've been told that the Ice King... he can't be trusted."

"Like totally!"