Dan Vs... Stuff

by neorenamon

"You in the mountain... fortress... castle... Whatever you call that thing!" came a voice from outside the Ice King's window.

"Am I expecting company?" asked the Ice King as he sipped his cocoa.

"Waaak," replied the little penguin minion.

"Oh, it this is just another one of those Candy Kid Scouts selling those blasted cookies..." he grumbled as he walked towards the window. He looked out to see two creatures that he had never seen anywhere in the land of Ooo before. One hovered on clear insectoid wings while the other, a large ball of pink fluff, seemed to be clinging to the other's back. "Who might you be, and why are you bothering the Great and Powerful Ice King at this time of the night?"

"Are you normally disrespectful to a visiting Queen and her... loyal minion?!" she asked back.

"Queen?!" he asked, "I've never heard of you before. What land to you hail from?"

"I am a Queen in the land of Equestria... which is no doubt very very far away from here."

The pink fluff blew a series of long and short raspberries followed by a gasp.

"Of course it's true," she replied, "but we can speak of that later. We must recover our Princess."

"Your Princess?"

"Do not deny you have her!" she hissed back, "You were seen kidnapping her this very eve by numerous eyewitnesses!"

"Oh, you must mean the purple one with the wings and the horn."

"Of course!" she snapped, "Return her to me at once!"

"Well for your information, you're in MY kingdom and my rule is absolute!"

"Theft and kidnapping are crimes across all borders! I demand Princess Twilight Sparkle's return or you shall suffer my displeasure!"

"Keep threatening me and you shall suffer my frozen wrath!"

The pink fluff blew a series of long and short raspberries followed by a gasp.

"Wow, listening to that pink creature is even harder than listening to Gunter."

"Wak?!" asked the penguin.

"Nothing!" he replied quickly.

"My... ambassador here... She informs me that as nobility, we are obligated to... speak diplomatically... before we can properly engage each other in war."

"Negotiate, you say?" he asked as he scratched his beard, "Usually Finn and Jake just break in here and try to kick my..."

"I'm sure the tales of past defeats are amusing, but I believe Ambassador Fluffle here has brought appropriate... negotiation materials with her."

"Where?!" he asked as he stared at the pink creature.

"It would take to long to explain."

"Fine!" he grumbled, "I shall send Gunter here to greet you properly at the front door."

"Fine!" she muttered back as she flew down towards the opening she assumed was the front door.

Fluffle blew one long raspberry.

"Ah, that is a devious plan indeed," she replied, "I approve of your choice."

She gasp.

"Yes, you are very devoted to your friends... even Dan."

Soon she was at the front door where Gunter was waiting for them. He put a long trumpet to his beak and blew a rather awful sounding noise at them.

"Are you sure this isn't some kind of sonic attack?!" she asked as she glanced back at the Fluffle.

She gave a gasp in response.

"Culture?!" she replied, "I guess so."

Soon the noise stopped and the horn lowered.

She cleared her throat before announcing, "Before we take audience with the Ice King, we need to make ourselves more presentable. Please take us to the nearest bathroom facility."

"Wwwaaak," he replied.

Fluffle gasp.

"Why am I not surprised that you can speak to penguins from another dimension," she sighed.

The penguin turned and walked away while the two followed close behind. They travelled down a few passages and bypassed a few doors along the way. Soon he stopped before a doorway and pointed at it with his flipper.

"Must be unisex," she muttered as she walked in.

Fluffle and Gunter stood outside the door and took to staring at each other as they waited.

"Wak?"

She replied with a gasp.

"Waahhk whak wawk?"

She blew a short raspberry.

"Wak waawwwk..." he replied awkwardly.

She blew a long raspberry.

He looked about as if he might get in trouble before he replied, "Wak."

She responded with two short raspberries and a gasp. Glancing back at the bathroom door, she added another gasp.

"Waaak," he said as he took her away.

A moment passed before the two were out of hearing range, and then the bathroom door opened to reveal 'Princess Twilight Sparkle'. Taking into account what she perceived his tastes would be, she appeared wearing naught but a smile.

"Time to distract a Princess obsessed old foal," she said as she head up to where she figured he was waiting.

...

"Okay Jake," mused Finn aloud, "We know his Princess dungeon isn't far from his room, but that window is too obvious. Even if he only has one penguin watching that way in, we'd be totally busted."

"Maybe he's sleeping by now," replied Jake.

"Considering the number of times we've beaten him, I don't think he's going to take foolish chances like that anymore."

"We're talking about the Ice King, right?"

"I guess we are," replied Finn as he scratched the back of his hat.

"But if you want to ninja our way through the other window, that's cool too!"

"Yeah! Ninja stuff!"

"We're totally awesome when we do that ninja stuff!"

"I just wish Flame Princess was here too," sighed Finn, "She's really good with her Flame Magic."

"Well I think it's going to be a long time before she's willing to come around you again... considering..."

"Yeah," he sighed more deeply, "Considering... Sometimes, just saying you sorry or even being sorry... just ain't enough."

"You two were the hottest couple!" giggled Jake. He paused before he added, "Too soon?"

Finn nodded.

"Well you need to get your head back in the game," he said as he approached the Ice King's domicile, "We're almost there."

"Ice King: I swear that I'm going to get that Princess Twilight Sparkle back from you. You won't hurt my friends any more."

"Dude pact!" said Jake as he 'fist bumped' Finn.

"I just hope Twilight hasn't been too traumatized by the Ice King's attempts to entertain her..."

"Well I suppose if there's any other captured Princesses in there, they could... you know... support each other."

"I guess so..."

...

The Ice King glanced at his icy clock on his table and scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Maybe Finn and Jake aren't going to rescue that new Princess tonight," he mused, "I wonder if she's really that important to them..." Then he paused to scribble down a few more sentences as he tested them aloud. "'Oh Ice King,' moaned Fionna, 'Your icy manhood is just too much for me to bear. Stop trying to stick all of that into my hot moist body all at once.'" He then resumed scratching his chin as he said, "Damn I'm good."

"May I enter?" asked a voice behind him.

He spun in his chair to see the head of Twilight looking around the corner of the doorframe at him.

"How did you escape my inescapable cell?!" asked the Ice King in surprise.

In response, she blinked from one side of the doorway to the other. "Silly Ice King," she chided him, "I could have teleported away from this place at any time."

"Then why are you still hanging around here?!" he asked suspiciously, "Are you trying to steal my crown?!"

"Oh no," she replied as she stepped into the open and showed her whole naked body to him, "You're... just so fascinating."

"Who?! Me?!"

"Of course you," she giggled, "I don't see any other royalty in this room."

"Wow," he sighed as he looked her over, "Even in that shade of purple... you're just so gorgeous!"

"I bet you that you tell that to all us kidnapped Princesses," she laughed.

"Well... not really," he mused as he scratched his chin, "Although I must admit that Bubblegum Princess and Marceline the Vampire Queen are also a pair of hotties."

"But they aren't here right now, and I am," she replied as she gave him a hungry look.

He reached back to close the book containing his latest fanfiction and then stood up.

"So... just to be clear," he said as he walked towards her, "You aren't scared of my sharp pointy teeth?"

"All the better to nibble me with," she moaned softly.

"And you aren't scared that I'm going to turn you into an ice statue?" he continued as he stepped closer.

"My passion for you is like the sun," she replied hotly, "Surely a little ice won't slow me down."

"You're not related to the Fire Princess?" he asked as he hesitated.

"Princess of Magic and Friendship," she replied, "but I'm no Princess of Fire."

"And you aren't creeped out by how old I am?"

"Age is like wine," she answered as she drew up to the edge of his beard, "It only gets better over time."

"WOW!!" he declared, "After all this time and all the Princesses I've kept here, you're the first who's ever expressed... an interest in me."

"Then all of those other Princesses surely have been missing out," she said as she stroked his beard, "It's their loss really."

"Say?" he asked suddenly, "What happened to Lumpy Space Princess? You didn't set her free, did you?"

"Only if she managed to escape on her own," she sighed back, "I lifted not a finger to aid her."

"Come to think of it," he replied as he looked up at apparently nothing, "I've wondered what I really see in her. Even if she was willing, she could still bite me and turn me into one of those... lumpy people from her own dimension. And that attitude of hers... She's so full of herself."

"They would have made me... the Princess of Love," she purred as she rubbed her body against his massive white beard, "but that title was already held by another."

"Princess of Love?!" he asked as if he couldn't quite believe that was possible.

"Why don't we move this discussion," she said softly, "to your bedroom?"

"Oh, it's lucky it's not all that far from here, is it?"

"Indeed," she replied as he hugged her tight and started walking to another doorway. The bed was clearly visible in a matter of seconds.

"I take it this isn't your first time?"

"Oh no," she replied, "Be gentle with me or rough. It doesn't matter. I've had it both ways and I like it."

"I can't believe my good fortune!" he announced, "This is like the best kidnapping I've ever done!"

"And hopefully the last," she whispered.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'I hope it will last'," she replied louder.