Darkness. That was all Donovan could see at the moment. It was all he could hear, feel… taste? No, that was morning breath. Yuck. Smelled the same, too. Maybe next time the powers that be could let him brush his teeth and put some pants on before plopping him in the middle of an infinitely expanding void of darkness. Assholes.

Whatever, not like this was real, anyway. Just another weird dream, probably from over-exerting himself at work. Or from stress of his everyday life. Or both. Either way, he’d wake up soon, and then he’d go about his usual routine. Take care of his younger siblings, send them about their daily chores in their cramped apartment, and then head to his first work site of the day: construction. The new public defender's office that city hall was funding. After eight hours of that, it was off to the local club for a long night of bouncing. Not before eating his lunch: the same shitty sandwich everyday. Bologna and swiss. It was fuck-all disgusting, but it was cheap.

Ah, yes. Here it comes, Donovan could hear the morning birds chirping. He could hear kids playing in the grass field outside his window. He groaned in annoyance at the fact that another day of monotony awaited him as soon as he opened his weary eyes. He made sure to delay this activity as long as possible, distracting his mind with meaningless yawns and lip smacking. Eventually he resigned himself to another day in the life of Donovan Riggs, and opened his eyes to find…

Not his bedroom. Unless, of course, his brothers and sisters had replaced his bedroom with a technicolor universe. Which, needless to say, was highly unlikely. And that childish laughter… he hadn’t imagined it. He turned his head as he sat up on the soft grass below him to find ponies just as pastel and animated as the rest of this strange world, chasing each other in the grass, throwing friendly, harmless banter back and forth as human children would, in just as realistic of voices. Donovan’s eyes widened as he took in more of the landscape. Behind him was a forest of trees, full of other many technicolor animals, seemingly less sentient than the ponies he’d seen so far. Past the colts and fillies playing a game of tag in the field he was now standing in was what seemed to be a large village filled with more ponies of multiple colors, some with either horns or wings, all with a brand or mark of some sort on their rears, save for some of the younger ones; most of them larger and seemingly more mature than the ones that had been playing together, and were now trotting towards Donovan curiously.

“Hey, mister, what are you? You don’t look like a pony.” A brown colt asked Donovan innocently.

“Yeah, why don’t you have a coat, and what are those things on the ends of your legs?” A small pink filly added in a slightly nasal voice.

Donovan struggled only for a few seconds to find a response, too curious himself to be as freaked out as he probably should have been. “I’m a human, kid. If anything, I should be asking what all of you are. Horses don’t talk. What are you, equine look-alike aliens or something? Oh, no, let me guess. You’re Pixar’s next project: virtual reality ponies, right? That still doesn’t explain why I’m in this fru-fru simulation world.” He mused out loud, talking to himself more than the colts and fillies now gathered around him. He might’ve felt bad for being so blunt with what seemed to be children, but hey, it wasn’t his fault he didn’t have coffee before he showed up here. As he finished his thought, several questions and statements erupted from the small crowd of colts and fillies.

“He’s tall!”

“Horse is a bad word! I’m gonna tell!”

“Aliens? What are those?”

“You have a weird snout!”

“What’s a Pixar?”

Donovan answered none of the questions, and responded to none of the statements, but instead walked towards the village. He figured that somewhere, there was some sentient animal that knew why he was here. He wandered through the streets of the town, getting stares of curiosity and slight fear from almost every equine he passed, most of the adult ponies only coming to around his hip. Eventually, he stopped in front of a building that seemed to be made from a large tree. Not because he figured there was someone with an answer to any of the questions he had inside the tree-dwelling, but because the door opened as he was approaching, and a purple pony with a midnight purple mane and tail, each with two streaks through it, one a slightly more saturated, lighter purple, the other almost pink. Donovan assumed it to be a mare on the basis of its colors, and noticed from the close proximity that it’s marking was a large magenta star surrounded by five smaller white stars. The technicolor pony looked straight into Donovan’s eyes and gasped in awe. “Spike!” it called out into the doorway of the tree home. “Start taking notes!”

“Got it!” An adolescent boy’s voice answered from inside. Before Donovan could react, there was a flash of almost blinding light and a quick snapping sound. He blinked away the stars in front of his eyes to find himself seemingly inside the tree dwelling. Shortly after, the pony began describing Donovan in excessive detail, each word being scrawled on a scroll with an inked feather by a small purple and green dragon at the equine’s side.

This observation was starting to get unnerving and more than a little annoying. Donovan tried to move, but found that he couldn’t, thanks to the purple plasma-like rings around each of his wrists and ankles. There was no discomfort at all when he tried to move, just resistance.

Just then, the shock started to wear off, and he was starting to get freaked out. He needed to get home, or wake up, or whatever it was he needed to do to return to reality and continue his boring, monotonous life. “Look, purple, I need to get home. If you could just let me loose, I’ll be on my way.” He said in a slightly bitter tone.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that. As of now, you’re an anomaly, and it’s my duty as a princess to hold you in custody until Celestia arrives.” Twilight blurted out, her eyes still scanning and analyzing Donovan’s form. He began to feel more than a little uncomfortable as her eyes wandered over his groin, now reminded of the fact that he was only wearing undergarments.

“Can you stop staring at my crotch, please! And what do you mean, you’re a princess? You’re just a pony that can talk. And who the hell is Celestia?” He quickly snapped, his face growing red due to his exposure and his anger. Who the hell does this horse think she is, holding him hostage and analyzing him like some type of animal? He has a life to get back to, he needs to go home and get ready for work, for all he knows he could be running late. The last thing he needs is to get fired.

Donovan’s thoughts were halted when a bright flash filled the room. When his vision returned, Donovan’s jaw dropped at what he saw. The tallest equine he’d seen in this bastardized horse world stood before him, wearing what looked to be royal jewelry, sporting a pair of wings and a horn, its multicolored mane and tail flowing as if it were being blown in the wind, though they were indoors. The large alabaster pega-corn thing had an almost parental gaze, and though he could almost feel her potential strength radiating before him, Donovan almost felt safe under the stare of this horned pegasus. He wanted to speak, but before he got the chance, the winged unicorn spoke.

“Hello there. My name is Celestia, and I am the current ruler of Equestria, and the princess of the sun. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. It’s not often we have never-before-seen creatures just magically appear around here.” From the voice, Donovan could tell Celestia was a female. RIght, as if the name and hair wasn’t already enough evidence.

“...Likewise.” Donovan offered. “Donovan. I’d shake your hand… erm, hoof… but my hands are kinda being restrained.” Celestia gave Twilight a knowing nod and suddenly the glow on Twilight’s horn disappeared, as did the constricting plasma rings around Donovan’s wrists. He could now move his body freely, and he approached Celestia. “Um… Thanks, I guess… Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I kinda need to get home and head to work, so… whoever’s running the simulation here or whatever this is, can I like, leave?”

Celestia blinked absently a few times, as did Twilight. “Simulation…?” Celestia said softly, again her voice somehow putting the human at ease. “Um, Donovan, was it?” Donovan gave a nod, biting his lip absentmindedly. “Well, Donovan… you see… the thing is… I don’t know how you got here, and I’m afraid I don’t know how to get you back to wherever your home is.” Donovan’s eyes widened, and Celestia quickly raised a hoof and laid it on his shoulder trying to comfort him. “But, don’t worry! We’ll have our most revered physicists and scientists start research right away!” She offered with a motherly smile. This did much less to hold back Donovan’s emotions now, as he was starting to worry severely at this point. He let out a chuckle of confusion and desperation before crouching down.

“Okay, wait… so… you’re telling me… that I’m stuck in a universe… in a place called Equestria… where equines… talk?” Twilight nodded and Celestia followed suit.

“That’s about the gist of it, yes. And what exactly are you, Donovan? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.” Celestia responded, a small, graceful smile adorning her face, coupled with a look of intrigue.

“...You’ve never heard of a human before?” Donovan replied, his voice thick with sarcasm. He had told himself up until now that this was all some sort of elaborate joke or prank, but when he saw the unmistakably sincere responses that Celestia, Twilight, and even the little dragon taking notes gave him, all of which were slow shakes of their heads, Donovan pinched the bridge of his nose as a slight anxiety racked his mind. He gave a final look at everyone in the room before he collapsed back on the ground with a groan, cursing under his breath as the back of his head smacked the wooden floorboards.

Donovan sat up, an annoyed and sour look on his face. At the moment, only one thought was present in his mind as he looked at the two so-called princesses before him.

Why the fuck did it have to be horses?

Author's Note

Well, there it is, the first chapter in my first Human in Equestria story. I knew I'd succumb to the fad and write one eventually. I'm trying to make this one a bit different than most HiE fics out there; the sarcastic narration is just the beginning. That being said, I hope you all enjoy this story as much as I'm going to enjoy writing it.

Deuces, guys!