After what could have been called a highly successful clean-out of food from Twilight's kitchen, everyone returned for round five. Given how much they had brought into the dining room, I couldn't wait for Twilight to return and go absolutely nuts.

I drew the next black card, and I instantly remembered the unforgettable thing that Cadance said during the last game. "WHOOO! Damn, I love _____!"

"Please forgive me..." Sunset chuckled as she slid her card to me.

"Should I be afraid?" I asked the unicorn.

"Who knows?" Sunset replied. My only response was an audible exhale.

I soon had all six cards in front of me, and I got straight into reading them off. "WHOOO!" I continued, "Damn, I love jizzing into Tirek's beard! Wait, what?????" Most of the others laughed quite loudly. "Very funny..." I mumbled, "Anyway, WHOOO! Damn, I love...seeing grandma's private parts...Aw, geez...You guys are really lettin' me have it, aren't you?"

"I suppose so," Starlight said with a mischievous grin.

"WHOOO! Damn, I love pictures of crotchboobs! Finally, something that makes sense. WHOOO! Damn, I love pumping out a baby every eleven months! Uhhh... Maybe? WHOOO! Damn, I love being awesome at sex! Perfect! WHOOO! Damn, I love slapping a racist old mare! Nah, who had being awesome at sex?"

"Meeee!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, quickly snatching the card away from me. She was now in the lead once again.

"Oh, boy..." Sunset began as she looked at the next card, "What gives me uncontrollable gas?"

"Ha!" I laughed, "Rainbow had this one during the last game!"

"Really? How did that turn out?" Sunset asked, not looking too amused.

"I'll wait until you've read all the cards," I replied, giving her a card that I wasn't too sure would work.

"Mine's a throwaway," Starlight said.

"Alright, let's see what we've got," Sunset said, "What gives me uncontrollable gas? Prancing. Nope. Some douche with an acoustic guitar. He'd probably give me more irritation than gas. A gentle caress of the inner thigh? Nah. Non-vegetarian options. Uhhh...I'd have to know what they are, though I've already got a clue what they might be... Genuine equine connection. I don't think so. And finally, kale."

"Ha!" I laughed, "I think that was one of Rainbow's choices!"

"Oh?" Sunset asked, "Did it win?"

"Uhhh...I think the winner was quiche, actually."

"Oh, well, it's gonna win this time. Who had kale?"

"I did!" Shining replied, taking the lead alongside Pinkie Pie.

As the stallion received his Awesome Point, Starlight took the next card in her magic. "You know what really grinds my gears?" she asked.

"These," Shining said, passing Starlight his card. I had to assume that his card contained a plural noun.

"Nah, this," I said to the stallion as I did the same thing he did.

"Okay, let's go," SG, as I normally called her, eventually continued, "You know what really grinds my gears? Piece of shit Hearth's Warming cards with no money in them."

"That'd definitely make me mad!" Pinkie said.

"Object permanence. Uhhh... I'm not sure about that one. Getting eaten alive by Timberwolves."

"Wwwwoooah..." Trixie said, drawing out her pronunciation, "That's rather sad..."

"Child support payments. Wow... No longer finding any Cards Against Equinity card funny. I guess. Photo Finish's opinions. Yeah, from what I know about her so far, she probably has too many. Let's see..." she continued as she looked over her choices, "Who had child support payments?"

"Trixie thanks you kindly, dear friend," the blue unicorn said to the light lavender one.

"You're welcome, Trixie," Starlight replied, smiling as she gave her fellow unicorn her Awesome Point.

"Okay, what's next?" Trixie asked herself as she drew the next card with her magical aura, "What ended my last relationship?"

"This!" Pinkie chirped as she gave the magician her card.

"You seem confident..." Sunset said, giving Pinkie a competitive smirk.

"Yep!"

"Well, you shouldn't, because this one right here is the winner," the yellow-orange unicorn said as she floated her card to Trixie.

"Everyone ready?" Trixie asked once she received the last white card. The rest of us nodded. "Alright, what ended Trixie's last relationship? Fear itself."

"Whoa...That's pretty legit..." I said.

"Getting caught by the police and going to jail. That makes sense. Nubile slave colts. Ouch... Discord's musky, cum-stained pelt. What??? No! Gross! Alcoholism."

"Ooooo..." Pinkie moaned in response.

"Well played..." Shining said.

"Saws for hooves. That one is also dark, but alcoholism wins."

"Yes!" Sunset exclaimed, now officially in a three-way tie for first place.

"Uh-oh...Haha!!" Shining laughed as he took a look at the next card, "This is gonna be interesting! My wife's in labor! I guess I'd better engage in _____!" This caused the majority of us to laugh.

"Wow, what are the chances?" I asked nopony in particular.

"This should work..." Maud blankly remarked as she slid her card to the stallion to her right.

"Meh...why not be dark for once?" Starlight casually said as she gave Shining her choice.

"Sounds good," Sunset said as she gave the prince what I assumed was another dark scenario.

It hadn't even been ten seconds before Shining Armor had all six cards. "Let's see. My wife's in labor!" he continued, "I guess I'd better engage in total fucking chaos!"

"Oooh!" Pinkie began, "What kind of chaos?? A gigantic party for the foal??"

"Maybe," Shining replied, "Anyway, I guess I'd better engage in...multiple stab wounds. Ow... I guess I'd better engage in eating an entire snowpony."

"Hahaha!" Sunset laughed, "Good luck with that!"

"I guess I'd better engage in three months in the hole."

"Wow...that's sad..." I said.

"I guess I'd better engage in...What?!? Hahaha!!! Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Vanhoover!" I wasn't surprised that the stallion had had a similar reaction to Discord's during the last game. "Wow, that was hilarious! Anyway, I guess I'd better engage in holding down a colt and farting over him. Nah, who had the cartwheeling to Vanhoover card?"

"Yes! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails!" the blue magician proclaimed as she took her Awesome Point from the white prince to her left.

Maud soon had possession of the next black card. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus..." she began, "...sinners must endure _____ for all eternity..."

"This 'oughta be interesting..." I thought to myself as I noticed one of the darkest possible cards for this scenario.

"Mine's a throwaway 'cause of the way it's worded," Sunset said as she and I passed our cards in.

Soon, Maud was ready to read all the cards that she had been given. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus," she continued, "Sinners must endure Zebrican children for all eternity."

There was a very, very long silence.

"Ouch..." Starlight said as Pinkie's mane deflated slightly.

"Sinners must endure like a million alligators for all eternity," Maud flatly continued, "No, that doesn't quite work. Sinners must endure extremely tight pants for all eternity..."

"Ha!" I laughed.

"Sinners must endure a piñata full of scorpions for all eternity. Maybe. Sinners must endure several intertwining love stories featuring the Flim Flam Brothers for all eternity."

"What?!?" Pinkie screamed, "Not them!"

"Sinners must endure actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers for all eternity. Not this time. Who had Zebrican children?"

"What?" I asked, "That's mine. Really? I thought it was too dark."

"It was," Maud replied, blankly, "But I felt like being dark for once."

"And you did an excellent job at that, Maud!" Pinkie said to her sister.

"Well, then...Thanks," I said as I took the card from the rock farmer.

Right after that, Pinkie snatched the final black card for this round. "In the distant future," she began, "Historians will agree that _____ marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."

"I'm only playing this 'cause it applies to you, Pinkie," I said, giving the party pony my card.

"Hehe..." Starlight giggled, "This one's pretty funny." She then floated her card over to the pink mare to my right.

"Everyone ready?" Pinkie eventually asked, to which she received nods from the rest of us. "Okie Dokie Lokie! Let's go! In the distant future, historians will agree that sugar madness marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. Nah. Nice try, though. Historians will agree that the hardworking Mexicoltican marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."

"Wow, that's still as racist as it is back home," I said.

"Historians will agree that Appleoosa marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. Awww...That's not funny. Everypony down there is wonderful. Anyway, historians will agree that socks marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. I can see where that would go, but no. Historians will agree that hope marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."

"Oooooo..." Sunset said.

"How ironic," Starlight followed up.

"Historians will agree that puberty marked the beginning of Equestria's decline." This caused all of us, except Maud, who only gave a light smile, to laugh pretty hard. "Hahaha! That's too funny! Who had that one?"

"Haha!" Shining replied as he came down from his laughing fit, "That's mine, Pinkie!"

Right as the stallion finished speaking, Sunset had a look of discomfort and comical guilt on her face. "Uh-oh..." she began, clenching her abdominal area with a foreleg, "Those 3-bean nachos went right through me." She then got up from her chair and sprinted toward the bathroom, making some of us giggle.

"Anyone else need to use the washroom?" I asked. I didn't need a verbal response, however, as everypony else had already gotten up and headed for the hallway. I then felt a gurgle in my lower intestine. "Might as well..." I thought to myself before I, too, left the dining room for a different water closet.

Author's Note

Round 5 has concluded. Here are the scores:

Me: 3
Sunset: 6
SG: 4
Trixie: 4
SA: 7
Maud: 5
Pinkie: 6

Also:

Appleoosa = Texas