Author's Note

I have no excuse for the long delay. But here it is, the second chapter to a Cr1TiKaL story. While the other two were only one-shots.

Originally the chapter was going to be called "You give a horse an ass-whopping & it'll turn over a new leaf." But because of the one-month delay I felt that it should be updated now rather than later.

I'll continue the third part after I get some sleep.

Also don't forget to point out any errors that should be corrected & fixed. One more thing, the group Cr1TiKaL's Nipples has been founded by yours truly. It's a way to encourage other authors to write Cr1TiKaL stories that would fare much better than this one. The way I see it, I have a feeling that this story won't be successful.

Alright, that's it. Enjoy.

"You give a horse one ass-whooping & it'll think about what it's done. However..."

No one said a single word after that announcement made by the strange biped; calling itself "Critical", who didn't appear to be the least bit scared after being yelled at by the (still obviously mental) dark alicorn. In fact it seems to act like this was your everyday weekend night right here folks. It appeared as though that interrupting villains during their monologuing was this creatures favorite hobby & past time.

If it was, then they were all surprised (except Nightmare Moon) that this carbon based life form was still alive & not dead; or enduring some kind of sadistic torture the "theoretical-villains" may have thought straight off the bat as punishment for interrupting 'their' monologuing.

It was a fact that if you do something bad to someone, a bad thing will happen to you in return; karma basically.

It was also confirmed that this "Critical" creature was male, given to how deep & masculine its voice was.

But enough about villains, karma, genders, monologuing, & other stupid shit like that, it's time to get back on track here.

Nightmare Moon was not amused.

She was not amused.

She was absolutely not amused.

She was not finding this amusing.

She wasn't finding any of this amusing whatsoever.

She was actually rather, unamused.

No, that's taking it too lightly.

She was just unamused, that's all.

She was just unamused is all.

Just unamused.

Just very unamused.

Very, very unamused.

Very, very, very unamused.

So unamused that the psychopathic alicorn wanted to strangle him alive & make him suffer. But she wouldn't. She would spare this complete waste of existence if he only begged & groveled at her hooves. If he didn't, then she was going to make him beg for death when she's through with him. Yes, that's what she would do. Clearing her throat, she decided to address this "Critical"; absolutely sure that it would learn its place once it knew who she was.

"We asked you a question, did we not? State your business," Nightmare Moon addressed the odd-looking creature.

Cr1TiKaL in question looked at her with a face that showed it was trying to come up with the perfect words to say so as to not look like a fool in front of a large audience. He then looked at her with a very neutral expression on his face, & I mean a very neutral expression. Like so neutral, that if you told him that the end of the world was about to happen; while it was occurring with everyone shooting babies & cats from their Fat Man's, while a Cromulon wanted the Earth to "show it what it's got", the only response you'd get from him is a blink from his eyes. But anyways, he finished his thinking by taking a deep breath, ready to unleash the most well-perfected sentence in all of time, ready to be engraved in history so that future generations can learn of such a memorable event that took place on that one spot.

"What the fuck are you?" Cr1TiKaL asked, the casualness making up the entirety of its voice was just impossible to believe.

Everyone who wasn't a dark alicorn & a few individuals who didn't understand on what was going on gasped in shock at the creatures statement, for they were genuinely surprised that this "Critical" didn't show any fear to the villain standing before them, unlike them who were definitely afraid of her. However, none were more shocked than a certain purple unicorn who still couldn't believe that the dark alicorn had returned from her banishme- you know what I'm already tired of using "certain purple unicorn" because at this point it's going to get old real quickly, so let's just call her by her name; Twilight.

Twilight was absolutely gobsmacked by the attitude this creature was giving to Nightmare Moon. Didn't he (she already knew it was a he judging by the tone of its voice) know he was slowly angering someone who most likely rivaled her mentors magic prowess?

'Does this creature have a death wish?!' She screamed internally.

Nightmare Moon, however, was becoming even less amused by this "Criticals'" antics; the look on his face said otherwise. The way he was looking at her with those black dots for pupils was making her reconsider her earlier opinion on this odd organism. Seriously, those eyes of his didn't contain any form of mischief, but instead, filled with seriousness; so much that he was dead serious of his earlier question. In order to see if her hypothesis was true or not, she decided to ask for its purpose again, but with added aggression this time.

"Do not make us ask again, what is your business?!" She half yelled at him.

He continued to look straight at her slitted eyes; she could have sworn that she saw his eyes harden in the span of a nanosecond.

"Welp, since you asked but with some unnecessary hostility, I'll tell you. I have no fucking idea as to where the hell I am. Basically, I'm lost & have no idea to what in the literal titty fuck is going on right here. Now that I have answered your question, why don't you stop bursting everyone's eardrums like a banshee who sold herself to prostitution, & give me some directions so that I can go on my way back to my house?" Cr1TiKaL finished answering the "loud bitch's" question as he called it, because it was definitely louder than his dog whenever they barked; like that one time they barked because they knew that one of the unique weapons in Skyrim were a piece of shit.

Or was it the crazy singing dancing frog? He couldn't remember which was louder.

"YOU DARE TELL US WHAT TO DO?!" Nightmare Moon's temper had flared violently, simply because this biped had demanded her that she give him directions; being ordered what to do was one of the many things that grinded her gears, & in a bad way. "LISTEN HERE "CRITICAL", IF YOU EVER ORDER US AGAIN THEN WE WILL-"

"Shut the hell up you stinking wanking wiener whore, that's not how you say my name," Cr1TiKaL interrupted her, not the least bit fazed that she technically yelled in his face.

A majority of everyone's breath hitched in their throats, including Twilight's. They simply couldn't find it within themselves to let out a single vocal sound emit from their mouths after this "Critical" talked back to Nightmare Moon with no hesitation & we're now fearing the worst to transpire; those that still didn't know on what was going on were also wary. Their instincts warning them that something bad was indeed about to occur.

Cr1TiKaL on the other hand was just annoyed, not just the yelling but the stupidity from the outburst this "mutant" bitch spouted from her mouth. First off, she demanded to know why he was here in the first place, he told her why then asked for some directions. Then this bitch, bitch, bitch just yells at him for no apparent reason at all. He gave her his reason, then asked a question, & got yelled at in return. However the most mind boggling thing ever was that this stupid retarded organism exclaims that he shouldn't order her around; why demand the reason for his presence if all she's going to do is bitch like a fucking brat with a superiority complex?

Also he was still a bit ticked off when she said his name wrong.

Nightmare Moon however, was becoming absolutely furious when this "lower-life-form" interrupted her in the middle of a sentence. She was really tempted to destroy him until he was nothing but a pile of ash, but she still needed answers from this creature; resisting such a temptation to kill this thing on the spot was like withdrawing from an addictive drug.

That, & her curiosity had been piqued ever since this "Critical" made himself known, if that's even how you say his name according to the shadow-faced man.

"Then how do you pronounce it?" She asked through gritted teeth, her curiosity of him slowly wavering from the urge to kill him.

"It's pronounced Cr1TiKaL, not "Critical" as you say it," he said, using his index & middle finger from both hands to emphasize on the adjective, to which she thought was his name; no doubt the other colorful small horses surrounding him also thought that as well. Who would name their child after an adjective? That's pretty much abusing the privelage to be stupid.

...

...

...

That's it?

That's why he interrupted her?

Just to reveal a name that sounded the same as the other?

It was so absurd that it was impossible to mentally digest.

They both sound the same but he insists that they call him by the name that sounds like the adjective, but at the same time its not?

It was this conclusion that made Nightmare Moon grind her teeth in unmatched fury. She had been interrupted not once, but twice by this damned thing who wasn't scared of her; he was most likely testing her patience with his words that were most likely put together. Her vertical pupils became more slitted by the second, contrasting to her ever building anger.

"Not to mention how disgustingly deformed your whole body structure is, I mean look at you," Cr1TiKal criticized, voice still neutral at its best while using his right arm to gesture towards her appearance.

One observant Twilight Sparkle was now full on gaping like a fish that had been fucked by a sick fuck & had been left on land, slowly suffocating by the lack of water. He had just basically insulted Nightmare Moon's looks, the alicorn who she had feared when the violet unicorn first learned about her. She was now bracing herself for the worst, the other ponies were also preparing for the upcoming storm that was Nightmare Moon's absolute rage; they weren't oblivious to what was about to occur.

In the words of Suzanne Fields:

"Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage & humor & often at the same time"

This is the quote that came to Cr1TiKaL's mind when he pointed out that one fact that needed to be pointed out. Reason why is that the quote made a lot of sense; he unknowingly insulted the alicorn, which provoked her rage & made the situation humorous. Not to mention both happened simultaneously.

The same couldn't be said for the small horses, for they looked like they did something they weren't supposed to do, pissing themselves in the process; not all of them though seeing as they had weary looks on their faces instead of fright. There was a cyan-coated pegasus with a mane & tail that would've been mistaken for gay pride by any other human being back on Earth. Hell, even he thought that as well, but he couldn't be too sure. A few others were mimicking the pegasus as well.

Did he forget to mention there was literal steam emanating from the bitch he was talking to not long ago? She was, & judging from her whole posture & facial expression she looked really angry & livid right now. Her face was contorted into a scowling mess, her nostrils were fuming additional steam since the wispy gas her whole body was producing wasn't enough. Her pitch-black coat now having gained a shade of the darkest red there is; both mane & tail were flailing violently like they were caught in the middle of either a tornado or a hurricane.

Probably the latter.

"YOU DARE INSULT US YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PEON?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE TRIFLING WITH?!" She bellowed with a fury so cold it made the Ice Age look puny in comparison. Any other sentient organism would've coward & drop the brave facade.

Unfortunately, Cr1TiKaL wasn't one to cower before anybody. Not even to some bitch who's throwing a massive fit which would make toddlers look passive & calm in comparison.

"Yeah, I do dare to "insult" you, but that's not the point. The real point is your whole anatomy," he said, ready to point out the faults that were her physical appearance & traits.

Most would stop their continued verbal assault at this point, but those who pressed on with their words were known to many as the brave; few thought they were suicidaly foolish. To the ponies' point of view, they all thought he was the latter term. To Cr1TiKaL, he was already aware that he was stepping in shit that wasn't meant to be treaded on by any other carbon-based life form. He knew the risks yet he still kept on going; like Martin Luther King Jr. Why you ask? Well, it's simple:

He has absolutely zero fucks to give.

He never gave a fuck about fame.

He never gave a fuck about money.

He never gave a fuck when Slender Man followed him.

He never gave a fuck when the professor caught him cheating on the test.

He never gave a fuck about Animal Soccer.

He never gave a fuck when SCP-173 was hunting down his ass.

He never gave a fuck whenever he shits his pants.

He never gave a fuck when he fought a Deathclaw with his own fists on the highest difficulty.

He never gave a fuck about Big Rigs Over the Road Racing.

He never gave a fuck about that weird fucker from the Goonies in Amnesia.

He never gave a fuck about all the absurdities that occurred in his non-existent animated adventure.

Most of all, he never gave a fuck when his dream to end corruption was impossible.

In conclusion, Cr1TiKaL has given no fucks whatsoever to everything that was stupid, ridiculous, deemed impossible, or downright atrocious. Which is why he was going to deliver the finishing verbal blow to this bitch's ego.

"Let's start off with your physical appearance, those wings of yours are appendages that are most likely not meant to be there because last time I checked, horses didn't have wings attached to both sides of their torso. Next off your mane & tail. Just what in the name of Santa Clauses shit-filled sleigh did you do to them that they look like some kind of gas; did you go on a hairspray overdose so much that they became the gas-like substance themselves? Huh, you stupid mutant fuck? Last of all, that thing sticking out of you head needs to be addressed. I don't understand as to why you have an erect penis growing out of your head; that's not right at all. You're a fucking abomination to Mother Nature; I'm genuinely surprised that you haven't been hunted down & exterminated because that's what you deserve right now. In conclusion, you're a mutation that deserves to be purged from this world & if I had to rate between you, Big Foots diarrhea, & the Abominable Snowman's power piss, I'd go with the Abominable Snowman's power piss because that's the only option I'm much more comfortable with than being near you. You stupid quadrupeded mutant fuck."

The verbal smack down he laid on Nightmare Moon was absolutely surreal. Never had the ponies witnessed a more brutal truth coming from an unknown figure whose species is still a mystery to them. One would say that this lone figure was brave enough to speak out on a tyrant whose superiority complex knew no bounds. Every single pony inside the town hall thought he was suicidal enough to seal his fate to an alicorn who was no doubt as strong as their Sun princess.

'& ah thought ah was the honest one,' one orange pony with a stetson thought.

'Yeah, I bet she couldn't handle the truth,' Cr1TiKaL thought.

'IS HE OUT OF HIS MIND?!' Twilight screamed internally.

'My, such vulgar language,' a prissy unicorn thought.

'That dude's done for,' the ~~gay pride~~ prismatic pegasus thought in slight sympathy.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' a very pink pony laughed on the inside due to the way Cr1TiKaL talked.

'Oh no, I hope he gets spared,' a shy, butter-yellow pegasus thought

'...That's it, this thing must die,' Nightmare Moon thought calmly. However, beneath that is a typhoon of murderous fury.Her horn glowed, the aura surrounded it matched her color palette. A second later, the same aura surrounded Cr1TiKaL's neck. He noticed it right away.

"What is this glowing shit around my ne-" he never got to finish that sentence because the next thing he knew, he was being tossed everywhere like a rag doll. The aura had a firm grip on his neck, using him as bludgeon to strike at any inanimate object inside the building they were in; it was obvious that this was meant to inflict major pain to the commentator. To an outside point of view, it looked like a red & green blur was flying out of control & crashed into anything in its path.

"Shit! Fuck! Titties! Nipples! Asshole! Bitch! Dammit! Dick! Bullshit! Stupid horse fuck! Lick my rectum! Serenade my candy asshole! Eat a buffaloes diarrhea dump! Devour a roadkill skunks asshole! Jizz on my nipples! Blow my wiener!"

Despite being thrown around like an abused action-figure, Cr1TiKaL continued to shout out profanities; soon they became insults. Many ponies had to dodge out of the way, unless they wanted to become victims to the random flight trajectory the man was going at. Eventually, he stopped in midair, meaning Nightmare Moon ceased tossing him around with her magic. Suddenly, he was yanked towards the moon-themed alicorn until their faces were about 4-inches apart, & she looked pissed. Cr1TiKaL could have used another interjection to better describe what he assumed the horse-mutant felt right now, but he simply didn't feel up to the task.

You know? Because he didn't give a fuck right now & what was about to happen to him?

"Any last words, creature?"

"Yeah, I do; is it time for sex? Even though I'm not a fan of the animal pornography industry & that your an abomination that never should have been made, I'm pretty sure we can make this work. Now then, come to daddy Cr1TiKaL."

He then closed his eyes, puckered his lips, & proceeded to make kissing sounds. At first, Nightmare Moon had a blank look on her face which had no emotion. But then, a terrifying scowl replaced the previous look which was much more preferable than the current one.

"RRRRAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!"

With an anger fueled yell & a firm, magical grip on his neck, she tossed him to the floor with so much force that the point of impact resulted in a small crater with a bunch of cracks following. All of the ponies except Nightmare Moon winced because of how much that really hurt. Speaking of Nightmare Moon, she didn't stop there as her horn was soon glowing with a light that was growing in intensity. When it reached the brightest it could achieve, she unleashed it in a destructive torrent of lightning that was heading straight towards Cr1TiKaL. He was still embedded in the crater so he couldn't get out in time. By the time he realized what was approaching him, it was too late as the arcs of high-voltage, magic powered lightning had already struck him. Making him spasm in a way that would've been downright hilarious if the situation wasn't so serious. Not to mention his skeleton would occasionally appear in random intervals like from the cartoons.

The light produced from the lightning was absolutely blinding, so every single pony had to cover their abnormally huge eyes with their forelegs. The sound of lightning striking its intended target was deafening as well. They felt as though their eardrums were going to burst any second now. When the stream of continuous lightning finally ceased, everyone was met with a sight that brought the feeling of sadness welling up in the pits of their stomachs.

A pile of smoking ash was what all that remained of Cr1TiKaL.

For everyone who wasn't a villain, they felt sad. Sad that someone had become victim to what will soon be their doom. For Nightmare Moon, she felt happy that the nuisance was finally gone; he was becoming unbearable the more he talked. She then had the powerful urge to laugh a villainous laugh. So she did.

"He he he he he he he ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

It was a laugh she honestly enjoyed at heart.

"Let this serve as a reminder to all who defy me!"

"Guards! Seize her!"

An earth-pony with a light-brown coat, a greying mane & tail commanded three pegasi clad in gold armor to apprehend the evil being before them. Nightmare Moon used lightning to strike at them. She then turned into the dreaded choking gas known as hairspray & flew off through the door. One prismatic pegasus gave chase to the mass of gas that resembled the night sky.

"Come back here!"

She panted slightly as the flying mass of ~~hairspray~~ ethereal stars flew off into the distance.

"Nighttime... forever?"

She then looked down to notice Twilight running at full haste, no doubt in a hurry. But in a hurry for what?

Meanwhile, a majority of the townsfolk who were still in the town hall were either panicking like hell, or still mourning over the death of a creature who didn't deserve to die. Even if his choice of vocabulary was rather, unique to say the least. A ray of moonlight shone down on the pile of ash. Making the scene much more sad than it already was. However, none of them were prepared for something that wasn't even possible.

"Wow, what's shoved up her asshole? She really needs to go see an anger therapist so as to keep that temper of hers in control."

Next thing they knew, an arm popped out from the pile of ash which proceeded to pull the rest of itself out. His torso was soon out. Last but not least, his legs were out; he successfully crawled out from the now seemingly big pile of ash. When he stood up, he was covered head-to-toe in the dark-gray dust which everyone thought he turned into after being fried by lightning. He noticed it as well, so he gave himself a single pat on his abdomen. Causing all of the ash particles sticking to him to fall to the floor, making a ring form around him.

Every single pony then expressed their confusion to the whole act just now; One Piece style.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

Oh yes, this was an event worth remembering.