Sarcasm: the use of irony to mock of convey contempt; the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny.

One of the many things that are a part of human nature, is how charismatic they can be, especially how influential their words can be. You're most likely wondering 'hey wait a minute, why am I being fed this retarded piece of shit information'? That's easy, because you are all going to witness the adventures of the greatest human being of All Time.

An adventure filled to the brim centering around a person whom many will love & hate.

The envy of all the men in the Earth.

The reason why women orgasm on the spot.

The bane of corruption itself.

The slayer of greedy cum guzzling, cock sucking douchbags.

The Nipple Messiah.

The representation of all that is truly holy & beyond.

The TRUE second coming of Jesus 'Holy' Christ.

The one who will one day go from "regular one million subscriber Let's Player" to "the most legendary commentator on YouTube of All Time". Much more famous than a certain Swedish man.

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Actually he's really just an average, mediocre human being; most people that are his fans think otherwise, so for the sake of the story plot let's just imagine that he's exactly what I just described before, & that the over exaggerations said are true.

So without any interruptions whatsoever, let the greatest adventure of All Time commence.

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The over exaggeration of being much better than that aforementioned Swedish man was just a joke in case if you were wondering.

Somewhere in the United States resides a human being, but not just any human being, but a person who has brought joy & laughter to many people simply because of the witty words that have exited out of his holy mouth.

With a voice so deep & beautiful that the chances of a person being cured from a health threatening illness just from simply hearing it will happen every single time without fail whatsoever.

Bearing also an untainted, pure heart of metaphorical gold, his pureness also has gentleness that is theoretically rivaled by newborns.

Also wielding a charisma so powerful that every single word that's produced from his blessed vocal chords is enough to put all the influential speeches in history to shame.

He is the light to all who have gotten themselves lost in sorrow, emitting a brightness that no other light in the universe can match.

So basically, this person's a one of a kind, & the one I'm talking about is none other, than the legendary penguinz0; or Cr1TiKaL, whichever floats your boat.

Right now he's playing Dark Souls III as one of the many characters that he has made in every previous video game he's played in past commentaries: Professor Sad.

"In fact the secret to this magic trick is being super sad, & he's being propelled by all of his agony & sad feelings; it's throwing him into the sky. That's uh, that's the physics right there, I know it's a little scientific but that's pretty much how it works," Cr1TiKaL said as he explained why his character was floating in midair in his latest commentary video. As soon as the words left his mouth, a blackout occurred in his house, thus shutting off all the lights; including the PS4 & television for they weren't spared either, leaving him in total darkness.

"...wow, you've gotta be fucking a fish right now," deadpanned Cr1TiKaL, then he face palmed right now as he just remembered one crucial piece of information: it was raining outside. Not only that, but he had also forgotten the possibility of the rain water soaking through the power box connected to his house.

During that short, uneventful moment, he'd felt like the most stupidest, brain dead human being in the whole planet.

Without uttering another word, he got up from his chair so that he could begin his search for a flashlight despite being enveloped in total darkness.

At this point you're wondering 'why is this person getting up to find a flashlight if he's in total darkness with no other light source to help him in his search'? That's simple: if a dark, scary environment with a lake house & vultures weren't enough to keep him from playing hide-n-seek as a child, then how is the darkness going to hinder his search for a flashlight be any different?

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Yeah, I bet you've never come up with a retort for that, huh?

Anyways, unfortunately Cr1TiKaL would never get the opportunity to finish his search because as soon as he took a few steps forward his T.V. suddenly came to life on it's own; despite the obvious fact that there's no power in his house.

"...Alright, my T.V. just turns on it's own even though the electricity is still gone from my house," Cr1TiKaL said to himself, not in the least bit unnerved that his television was somehow able to turn back on without the need of electricity.

Which his house was lacking right now.

Soon he was in front of his T.V., & the only thing showing on the screen is a snowstorm of black & white flakes; basically, it's just static. Getting curious, he slowly moved his right hand towards the screen & the result was interesting (in Cr1TiKaLs opinion) to say the least: the static that was closest to the five digit appendage suddenly stayed still & began to gather slowly to where he would place his hand, making a silhouette of the slowly approaching hand. When Cr1TiKaL's hand finally made contact with the screen, the static suddenly surrounded the appendage, covering it in it's snow like glory. On pure instinct alone, he withdrew his hand & looked to see it was no longer covered in static.

"Okay what in the name of the mythical aztec shit covered nipples is going on!? First the power goes out, then my T.V. turns its bitch ass on it's own like from the 2002 psychological horror film The Ring; which is also a remake of the 1998 Japanese horror film Ring; also a remake of the novel itself, & right now it tried to devour me like I was a five star meal prepared by Gordon fucking Ramsay!"

Somehow with the patience of the most wisest of men in history; maybe even wiser than them altogether, Cr1TiKaL had stopped his short rant immediately. Now after listening to himself ranting about something that isn't normal, he began to ponder on the short but odd events that just occurred not too long ago, thus, making that intelligently unmatched cerebral organ of a brain located within his majestic cranium process it all.

Making him come to a realization:

"No matter how small a percentage is, the possibility & probability of it is still going to happen regardless of the small digits & calculations," Cr1TiKaL muttered to himself; also showing how intelligent & smart he is, as these thoughts ran through his 'mediocre' mind as he put. After much thinking, he now possessed a clear mind & had decided to ask the million dollar question:

"Actually, why is this occurring within the confines & comfort of my own house if people consider this 'unnatural'?" He asked with a hinted tone of mockingness in his voice.

His great, great majestic voice.

"Because you've been chosen."

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*slow clapping*

Ju-ust what he wanted right now in this odd moment of his life; a voice answering his aforementioned million dollar question without any warning or indication that it was going to make itself known.

Yeah, this is definitely what he wanted right now. Some company that wasn't even hear to begin with & considering how it just spoke from out of nowhere made his consider this was someone; or something, on a supernatural level.

Precisely what he wanted in this moment of grand confusion swirling around the man's head. Yep, something he was basically begging for to happen, & he had gotten it.

Mhmm, exactly what he'd wanted.

All that was missing was that demented girl from the Ring franchise to simply pop out of his T.V., & kill him right here & there.

That's right ladies & gentlemen, that is the only thing that's left on the ever piling randomness that seems to arrive without warning.

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After an extended period of nothing but expected silence in the aftermath of the sarcasm expressed not too long ago, Cr1TiKaL decided to add in his two cents & ask the "mysterious" voice, as he called it.

Because really, what was he going to name it instead? Boss Awesome? Shake weight? BJ Pro? Handjob Master? Ass Tickler? Titty Fondler?

No, those names would be too ridiculous & stupid; they wouldn't even fit the voice very well even if they tried.

"Who said that, & where are you?" he asked.

"Inside the screen," the voice replied.

Cr1TiKaL then focused his attention towards his television; which was still showing static. Now wanting to get his answers quick so he could get this ridiculous shit over with, by asking yet another million dollar question.

"Hey, what do you mean 'I've been chosen'?" he asked, referring to the previous million dollar question.

"Step closer & I'll tell you," the voice said in return.

also he did but not without caution, because he was completely unsure if what he was doing right now was either the correct decision or a very stupid one. When he was just about 1 inch away from the static filled screen, regret & annoyance was the only thing coursing throughout his entire being; both body & mind as the only thing rewarding his simple efforts were tendrils made out of static sprout from the television screen & wrap themselves around the man's form. When the tendrils had a firm grip on him, they pulled Cr1TiKaL inside the screen & enveloped him in static. As the last traces of him disappeared inside the small sea of static, the television turned off & the entire house was filled with darkness yet again. The only sound heard was the constant barrage of rain hitting the outside of the house.

It was almost time.

Just a few hours more before the Summer Sun Celebration began, & once it did, all of the residents of Ponyville would be able to bask in the glory of the Sun. The signature ball of fire that their princess controlled. Ah yes, it would be a wonderful thing to remember.

However, it wouldn't be so simple & panic free for the entire population of the village. In fact, it would be quite an event to truly remember instead; a series of events to be exact.

That's why the exciting adventure won't center around an intelligent (very nerdy), violet coated unicorn scholar whose first name is the exact name of the gayest novel & motion picture film; even gayer than Brokeback Mountain, but instead it'll actually center around a unique sentient organism, one that will alter the course of history because of his actions; & dare I say his vulgar, but hilarious toilet humor. A one of a kind flesh & blood being that will be remembered in this worlds history, for generations to come.

Which now brings us to the current whereabouts of our favorite charismatic, sarcasm fueled protagonist.

There were only three things that Cr1TiKaL had registered after he had awoken from having an odd but strange dream, well, he thought it was a dream; if a dream happened to be events that occurred shortly before.

First, he had woke up lying on some comfortable looking grass.

Second it was nighttime.

Third, he had awoken in a position that a majority of human beings would consider, well, lewd & inappropriate; not to mention oddly arousing.

Getting up from his favorite sex position, he had finally noticed a sign that had writing in which it was English, but at the same time a different language altogether. Walking closer to the sign he was now able to get a better look at the writing written on the wooden sign. Some of the letters looked like the English alphabet but in reverse, the rest were letters he didn't know, putting him in a position in which he now had no idea on what to do next; even if he had one of the worst games he's played in the past in his possession it still would not have helped him in figuring out the rest of the writing.

He was a commentator who made videos for fun only, not a fucking video game nerd who takes it upon themselves to review all the video games that were considered shit, bullshit, & horseshit.

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'That thought had no relevance to this situation of mine whatsoever,' Cr1TiKaL thought.

Finishing his line of thought he decided to walk towards the seemingly empty town so as to get some directions & information of the location he's in. When he entered the town he noticed that the houses looked very old, & the architecture was that of medieval style. One of the things he noticed while walking is how the night seemed, more lively than ever; not to mention those four stars homing in on the moon with the picture of a unicorn on it.

Oh that's right, apparently the moon has the picture of a fucking unicorn imprinted on its crater covered surface, with four stars closing in on it. The man was beginning to think if this was all a really weird lucid dream he was having right now.

Then again, waking up inside Shrek's asshole & mistaking his giant penis as the Great Wall of China while having an animated adventure tops this shit he was experiencing. Although a voice having convinced your T.V. to eat you whole & sending you to a strange place is also weird; if you were a normal person & not Cr1TiKaL.

Anyways, as Cr1TiKaL continued to wander the seemingly old, abandoned town, he had the urge to voice his thoughts out so as to curb his slowly, but ever increasing boredom from reaching dangerous levels.

That, & it was too damn quiet for his own liking.

"You know, when I asked what that voice meant that I was 'chosen', this is exactly what I had in mind; convincing my own T.V. to gobble me up like supper, knock me out in the process, & send me to an unknown landscape. Yep, definitely what I had wanted to happen to me ever since I woke up this morning," Cr1TiKaL said, voicing out on what was in his head; each word dipped in the finest vats of sarcasm ever synthesized.

After wandering around for a bit he reached the center of the town & was rewarded for his efforts by witnessing an important looking building. One of the many things distinguishing it from the other buildings was that it was far more livelier than the empty houses he passed by; if the noise & lights going on inside were anything to go by. Meanwhile, the gears in the man's head were turning as a plan was forming within his cerebral organ. If there was a party of some sort going on inside, then there was a sure fire chance that he'll get the directions he so honestly desires at the moment.

"Okay then, it's time to crash this party," Cr1TiKaL said as he walked towards the building, now more determined than ever to get the answers he so rightly deserves to be given, not knowing that he had taken the first steps of what he is now destined to do.

Every single one of the quadrupeded, multi-colored equines inside the town hall were all petrified at the scene before them, but none more so than a certain violet color schemed unicorn. Nightmare Moon had returned from her imprisonment; which was located inside or on the surface of the giant spherical satellite in outer space known as the Moon. That wasn't the only shocking thing that was the cause of the their ever growing confusion & panic. No, it's the two claims that Nightmare Moon has made that had everyone feeling complete disbelief & dread: one, the evil alicorn claims that their princess; Celestia has been imprisoned. Second, she announces that there will be eternal night forever.

Or some other half-assed villain made plan

Anyway, as soon as the obviously crazed tyrant (whose hair & tail look like they've gone on a hair spray overdose, & that both have become the gas like substance itself) finished her monologing, the doors to the entrance of Ponyville's town hall opened without any warning or indication.

& lo & behold, the sight itself had overloaded everyone's mental disbelief & confusion meters to metaphorically skyrocket. That, or their confusion completely overrode the emotion of fear.

The one responsible for the simple action that was opening the doors was a creature that no one had ever seen obviously; it was also bipedal. It's choice of clothing was both 'horrid' & 'bland' a certain ivory coated unicorn had thought. It wore what seemed to be a red jacket with long sleeves & his face was covered in a shadow with what appeared to be a red hood connected to the jacket itself. It also wore a pair of green shorts which surrounded its hind legs; which were obviously used to stand upright (its hind legs not the shorts). Surrounding its feet were what appeared to be small black & white... boots? Well, they thought they were boots; if boots ever had strings going through them like a zig-zag tunnel network.

The last irrelevant fact about the biped was that the only things visible on its shadowed face were a pair of eyes with black dots for pupils, white lines for eyebrows, & last but not least brown fur (to the ponies' point of view) growing from where its chin is; only the lower half of its face was visible for all to see, leaving only the shadow covered areas to leave much for the imagination.

Both the bipedal creature & candy pigmented ponies didn't utter a single vocal sound whatsoever as they analyzed each other in confusion with the atmosphere filled with caution. In an outside point of view the biped looked like it was utterly lost, & the quadrupeds looked like they were expecting a visitor but didn't count on the possibility that they would look like something that hasn't been recorded in history. Ever.

However, the only one who wasn't filled with confusion & caution, but instead with anger & frustration was none other than Nightmare Moon herself. This creature had the audacity to interrupt her great moment when she had every single one of her 'little ponies' cowering before her; well, almost all of them.

If she had just made that annoying prismatic pegasus an example of what happened if they dared rebelled against her, then she would've had their undivided attention & show who the one in charge is; even that violet coated unicorn with the baby dragon beside her would think twice before talking back against her.

But no, a clothed monkey (she assumed it was, what with the similar body structure & all) just had to barge in when the greatest fruition of her plan had begun.

Her rage was bubbling at the mere thought of it, continually dwelling on it only seemed to intensify it by each passing second.

Having enough of this nonsense, she directed her attention on the 'stupid monkey' or 'inferior being', she had now decided to break to the ever continuous silence by bellowing at the aforementioned biped with her regal & commanding voice; which was also laced with fury.

"WHO ARE YOU & HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY GREATEST MOMENT!? SPEAK NOW!" Nightmare Moon demanded.

To her surprise & everyone else's, the biped replied by speaking in these words, formulated by the greatest of poets in the deepest voice its vocal chords produced.

"What's up everybody it's Cr1TiKaL, & right now I'm being surrounded & yelled at by mini horses. Let's do this shit."

& do this shit he did.

Author's Note

This is the first story I've ever made, so feel free to point out mistakes that are in this chapter, & another thing I've noticed is that there are only 2 Cr1TiKaL stories in this site, what gives? Also nearly forgot to mention that the time setting for this story takes place in the beginning of season 1, because 'why not'?

5/10/2016: first chapter is done being re-edited, & I gotta say, it looks better than it was before.

Sometime during summer vacation I'll make an Angry German Kid story. Reason why is because there isn't a SINGLE thing about AGK here! So I've decided to take it upon myself to introduce AGK to this site.

Don't forget to stay tuned to the next chapter of Cr1TiKaL's Excellent Adventure:
"You give a horse an ass-whopping & it'll turn over a new leaf."

Also if you got the AVGN reference, then good job.