The Stick of Truth: Equestria

When Douche-Bag woke, it took him a minute to realize where he was. The room wasn't as elegant as his bedroom in the Canterlot Castle and the walls around his bed, or rather, the couch he was slumped on, seemed to be made of wood instead of Marble. It was only when the Blue Unicorn, Trixie gave a sleepy grunt and rolled over on her bed, that Douche-Bag remembered what had happened the night before. Getting lost, meeting Trixie and being taken to her caravan. Now here he was. He watched his host as she stood up and stretched. Trixie gave a flick of her mane and cast her arrogant gaze towards him. She snorted and trudged towards the bathroom, her head held high. Douche-Bag waited until he could here the sound of a shower being run before he vacated his bed. Blinking away the last remnants of tiredness from his eyes, the Silent Stallion stuck his head out of the door. The sun was still low in the sky, painting everything a dull, dark blue. Despite the early hours, Douche-Bag could see a few, smartly dressed ponies making their way between the various shops and buildings. He was in trouble. Douche-Bag knew either Twilight or Celestia would give him a bollocking when he got back to the Castle. Maybe he'd be able to avoid them...

"Trixie sees you are up Douche-Bag." The Stallion turned round. Trixie was standing behind him, her mane and fur back to its normal neatness. She was glaring at him. "Trixie can also tell that you stink! You will go have a wash. Trixie will prepare Breakfast." The Unicorn pointed a hoof towards the steamy bathroom. "Go on." Trixie ordered. Douche-Bag blinked. Then he relented, making his way past the Unicorn. As he passed her, Trixie's hoof glided softly over his back, ruffling the fur gently. Douche-Bag stopped and turned to look at the Unicorn. Trixie smiled. "What? Trixie finds your body...desirable." She moved in a little closer. "Trixie wishes you to spend time with her." Douche-Bag starred at her, not moving. "Trixie knows you don't speak Douche-Bag." said the Unicorn, moving in a little closer to him, nuzzling the silent stallion. "It makes you...attractive." Then she took a step back. "But Trixie will not tolerate your presence if you stink! Now go and take a shower like Trixie told you!" She turned, her nose in the air and stumped off towards the kitchen. Douche-Bag, slightly disconcerted by the show of attention, walked into the shower. "Make sure you scrub Stallion!" Yelled Trixie as Douche-Bag shut the door. "He is a good looking one Trixie." The Unicorn mumbled, listening to the shower start up again. "I think you might've hit the jackpot. What a nice Backside!"

Douche-Bag closed his eyes in enjoyment as he showered. He always loved hot water pouring over him. It made his muscles looser, less painful from the night before. Though right now, his mind was more on the Mare making them both breakfast. He'd only known her for a night and yet she was hitting on him. It was the same situation as Celestia and Twilight. Both of them had been acting the same way. Acting normally one day then all flirty the next. It didn't make sense. Trixie didn't strike him as a Mare to go out dating. In truth, Trixie reminded him of the girl faction from South Park. Possibly Bebe or Heidi Turner. One of those annoying Bitches as Cartman would've said. Shaking his head to clear the water and soap out of his eyes, Douche-Bag turned off the water and stepped out from under the shower. Quickly drying himself, Douche-Bag stopped, just as he was about to open the door. If Trixie was acting like Celestia and Twilight, then he might be in trouble. The last thing he wanted was to be caught in a love triangle involving three Ponies, one being the controller over the sun. That wouldn't be interesting place to be stuck in. He lent his head against the door. He was being stupid. Douche-Bag had taken on an entire army of Nazi zombies, saved himself from being Anally probed by a bunch of aliens and gone up a gay mans asshole to stop a nuclear bomb going off. He could handle a Unicorn who had spoke in 3rd person and who had the hots for him. He pushed the door open.

"Trixie is glad you smell better Douche-Bag." Said The Unicorn, her pinkish, violet eyes flitting up and down the silent Stallions body. She smiled. "Trixie is very pleased by what she sees." She grinned. "Coffee is in the Kitchen Stallion." The Unicorn said calmly. As Douche-Bag turned, intending to get the steaming cup of coffee sitting on the counter, he heard a soft whistle. "Trixie DEFINITELY likes what she sees now." Douche-Bag turned his head to look back at the Unicorn. She was grinning. Damn perverted Mare. Douche-Bag walked over to the coffee cup and swigged it back in one. The brown liquid burned his throat as it went down but it revitalized him. "Douche-Bag." He turned. Trixie had been standing right behind him. She'd moved incredibly quickly and incredibly quietly. "Trixie will take you to the Town square. She is most curious about where you are living. Maybe Trixie can show you how much better she is. Much better than that...Twilight Sparkle!" There it was again. That telltale growl whenever Trixie spoke the violet Unicorns name. Douche-Bag blinked at the Unicorn in front of him. Her eyes were hard and cold, fires igniting in those pinkish violet eyes. Then the flames were gone, as quickly as they had come. "But let's not talk about that show stealing..." Trixie shook herself. "Trixie will take you to the Canterlot Square. She hears that the Square has some of the best shops for young couples." Douche-Bag felt a sinking feeling. Another attempted hooking up?

If Douche-Bag had had the mana, he would've unleashed a Dragonshout, followed by a Nagasaki, straight into the face of the blue Unicorn beside him. If he was lucky, Douche-Bag would've been able to get her straight in the open mouth. Trixie never shut up. She talked for so long, so loud and it was all about her. All about how she made some spectacular show in one city or another. It just never ended. In Douche-Bag's opinion, if this Unicorn did have the hots for him then she would have to control her mouth. Maybe spend some time drawing in air instead of talking. Douche-Bag seriously had no idea how that mouth could continue to move, with no regard for the amount of air that she wasting. It didn't help that Trixie's voice was so loud and obnoxious that every pony in a five meter radius was turning their heads to stare at the loud mouthed-mare. Douche-Bag tried to tune out the mare to the best of his ability. But it was soooo hard to tune out some-pony whose voice seemed to worm its way into his ears and send itself directly into his brain. Though...The Stallion supposed the Mare next to him was attractive in her own way. She was...dominating yet charming. It was a nice change from Twilight's stammering and Celestia's giggling followed by a bad tempered tantrum.

"Trixie wishes you would talk at least once." The egotistical Unicorn sighed, pausing at last to take a drink from the weird, cocktail looking thing she'd ordered. The pair were sitting outside one of the more reserved cafes in Canterlot's main square. Trixie had dragged him all through the city, sticking to the back alleys and side streets like some strange vigilante. Douche-Bag got the impression that the Mare was trying to avoid a certain pony...at least until she'd suddenly jerked him out into the open and over to the cafe. She'd pushed him down into the chair and ordered a "Cider Surprise" for the both of them. Trixie sipped her drink, her eyes tracking the various ponies as they walked past. "That being said," The mare mumbled her eyes moving over to Douche-Bag. "You do make for an attractive company Douche-Bag. Trixie finds you...intriguing." Douche-Bag blinked at her but said nothing. "Oh come on!" The Mare snapped, sitting up a little straighter. "The fact that Trixie even chose to speak to you should be an honor! Do you not know who Trixie is?" The Stallion watched her, his expression unmoving. The Mare snorted. "It's not fair..." Trixie sighed, her head falling onto the table with a hard thumping noise. "Every-pony knows about the famous, little-miss-perfect Twilight Sparkle and her band of pansy friends. Why can't Trixie ever get any publicity." Her eyes rolled over to look at Douche-Bag. "Trixie is grateful to you. You listen to Trixie instead of laughing in her face like most Ponies do these days."

Douche-Bag blinked. There it was again! Trixie seemed fixated on Twilight Sparkle with a ferocity that reminded Douche-Bag of the hall Monitors at his old school in South Park, a roaming band of Gingers, all dedicated to protecting the tyrannical overlord teacher, Mr Mackey. Granted, Douche-Bag had kicked most of their asses during his adventures but they had protected their duty with something akin to a religious fanatic. Trixie was the same. It was like an obsession. Douche-Bag had seen that look in a mans eye before. It was a fire. A corrupted fire that burned through a persons heart, corrupting all who got in its path. Douche-Bag took a closer look at the Mare in front of him. Trixie and Twilight Sparkle were like two sides of the same coin. Twilight was a bookish pony, who disliked drawing attention to herself and would much rather stay in and read a book than go out and perform a magic show to earn bits. Trixie meanwhile, liked to draw attention to herself, talking as loudly as possible, always looking for a bigger and better crowd. The Mare in front of him liked to be the center of attention. From what he'd managed to gather about Trixie over the past several hours, Douche-Bag had guessed that Trixie was big into making money and attracting as many ponies to her show as possible. Maybe that was her way of making friends. In Douche-Bags opinion, Twilight's gentle prodding and questioning way of making friends was much better.

"DOUCHE-BAG!" Speak of the devil. Douche-Bag turned his head. Twilight Sparkle was galloping down the street, eyes wide in panic. Douche-Bag heard what he thought was a muffled oath and the sound of clopping, growing further away from him. Turning his head, Douche-Bag saw, to his surprise, that Trixie had vanished. Gone like a puff of smoke. The Violet Unicorn finally came to a skidding stop in front of Douche-Bag, spraying the stallion with a shower of dirt and stones. "Please tell me that was not who I thought it was?!" Twilight yelled, her eyes wide. Then they narrowed, becoming Violet slits. "For that matter Douche-Bag..." Twilight began, anger laced in every syllable. "WHERE IN CELESTIA'S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN!?"

Princess Celestia stared at the crumpled roll of parchment that the guards had delivered to her just a few seconds ago. It was just five lines of text with two pictures attached. One picture was of a baby dragon, with purple scales and green spines, standing in front of a post office, carrying a pile of scrolls. The other was of the Orange furred Pony, the Stetson hat perched low over her eyes. She was standing in front of a dusty looking saloon. Celestia couldn't believe it. Two of her subjects and two of her closest friends did not just vanish into thin air. It wasn't normal. Especially these two. Neither of her agents had been successful in locating their targets. Every other agent had reported success in finding their targets and bringing them back to Canterlot. Yet these two...One being the Element of Honesty and one being her faithful students assistant. It was disturbing that these two had disappeared. The fact that none of her best agents could discern their whereabouts was even more worrying. It wasn't like those two to just up and leave without even saying the proper goodbyes. Celestia stared at the parchment for another few seconds then lent back against her throne. She had to think about this carefully. There were to many variables for her to make a rash decision....and yet...

"Wheels within wheels..." Celestia mused. She leaned forward and slid another photo onto the parchment. It showed Douche-Bag talking with the Blue maned Unicorn known as Trixie. Well Douche-Bag wasn't talking. She narrowed her eyes. "A Stallion with an unnatural power inside him. A power that even Luna and I are not immune to...whilst he is handsome..." she sighed and slid the parchment, along with all the photos, away from her. "Perhaps I am getting to riled up over nothing..." The Princess mumbled. Yet there was an uneasy feeling in the pits of stomach that told her she was mistaken....