The Stick of Truth: Equestria

The Train crawled its way slowly along the countryside, like a giant, multi-colored centipede, the different colored carriages shaking and banging slightly as the engine pulled them along. Steam and smoke gushed from the engine which was itself colored a bright shade of pink, as it chugged its way back to Ponyville. The Friendship Express as the train was affectionately known traveled across Equestria. Celestia had spared no expense for the two Mares and the silent Stallion traveling in the back carriage. It was expensively furnished, with thick, plush seats a screen on the door to provide privacy for the three occupants. There was even a member of the Royal Guard stationed outside the carriage. Since Twilight had found Douche-Bag, the irate Unicorn had dragged Douche-Bag back to the Castle, berating him the whole way. Most the shouting seemed to focused on how dangerous it was for Douche-Bag to be hanging around with Trixie. According to the violet Mare, Trixie had shown up in Ponyville, claiming to be the most proficient Unicorn in History...only to end up almost destroying the town. Douche-Bag had listened to Twilight ranting all through lunch then Shining Armor and the guards had packed him, Rarity and Twilight off to the Train Station. Princess Celestia had not attended the goodbyes and hugs that Shining Armor had bestowed upon him, Rarity and Twilight. She'd apparently been too busy with issues at her court though she'd sent her regards....with a red rose on a book for Douche-Bag. According to Shining-Armor, the rose was a token of Celestia's blessing whilst the book was from Luna. Now here he was, sitting opposite the two Mares as they berated him over hanging around with Trixie.

"Darling, what in Equestria were you thinking?!" Demanded Rarity, her light blue magic levitating the large silver teapot that the Steward had brought her, filling up her small, silver teacup with steaming tea. "That...That ruffian," she shuddered dramatically, taking a sip. "She showed up, tries to pass herself off as the greatest Unicorn ever...And she turned my hair green!" The Unicorn placed a hoof to her forehead, giving a loud dramatic sigh falling back against the seat. Twilight frowned at her friend. "What?" Rarity asked, blushing at the violet Unicorns intensive glare. "My mane was the color of sewage darling! That kind of green was soooo disgusting. It was soooo unflattering to my beautiful fur and eyes." Twilight continued staring at the vain Unicorn. "W-Well...Well anyways.." The Alabaster Unicorn stammered, turning back to look at the Silent Stallion opposite her, as though keen to change the subject. "Why didn't you return to the castle Darling? It must've been so horrible, walking through the dark city all on your own." Douche-Bag blinked at her, his expression unchanging. Rarity gave another heavy, dramatic sigh. "Well...At least you're safe and sound dear. An you're away from that rude, fan-base obsessed Unicorn, Trixie!" She settled back into the plush seats and cushions, sipping comfortably from her dainty tea cup. Then she smiled after a while, as though an amusing thought had just occurred to her. "You know Douche-Bag," The Unicorn began with a sly grin at Twilight. "Twilight here was very upset when you didn't return last night you know." Twilight's head turned slightly, her eyes narrowed. "She kept pacing around your..."

"She's just being silly." Giggled Twilight, sticking her violet furred hoof into Rarity's mouth, smothering her friends snide comments. "For the record Douche-Bag," Twilight said quickly, whilst Rarity struggled to pull the violet hoof from over her mouth. "I was NOT pacing around your room, waiting for you to come back." Douche-Bag blinked. Twilight blushed, looking even more flustered than before. "I-I wasn't!" The Unicorn yelped, a pink tinge coloring her cheeks. "I-I wouldn't do something like that...I wouldn't." she insisted as Douche-Bag continued to stare at her. The Unicorn's blush was getting worse and worse, making her face look like badly mixed, plum ice cream. "In any case," Twilight yelped as both of her companions continued to watch her. "It's your fault for slipping away from us and getting lost!" she growled, pointing an accusatory hoof at Douche-Bag. "Why didn't you stay with us huh? I was hoping we could...um..." But Twilight's rant fizzled out and her whole face went bright red. "Um...we..could...we could..." Twilight's voice slowly quietened and the Violet Unicorn lowered her head. Silence began to reign between the three ponies, with the exception of Rarity's giggling and the soft, embarrassed whimpers of Twilight. Douche-Bag settled himself, eyeing the book on the small tea-table beside him. The rose that had apparently come from Celestia was seated beside it. The book had no cover and had just a simple, red leather covering. Douche-Bag wondered briefly what was in the book. He stretched out his hoof to take the book when..."Douche-Bag?" Twilight was smiling at him. "When we get back to Ponyville, would you like to stay at the Library? I would...like it if you would..." She was blushing but looked excited. Douche-Bag simply stared at her. "W-Well...if you want too, the offer's there." Twilight stammered. The train whistled again, the higher pitch indicating they were getting closer.

"Ooh!" Rarity gasped, turning her head to look out of the window. "It looks like we're getting closer to Ponyville darlings." She squealed happily, pouring some more tea for all three of them. "I'm looking forward to seeing every-pony again." She smiled at Douche-Bag. "You'll like the rest of our friends darling. We simply have to introduce you to Rainbow-Dash!" Rarity's eyes shone with an excited light. "She'll love you! I mean.." the Alabaster Unicorn stammered as Twilight turned her head, an annoyed look on her face. "I mean she'll like your Strong and Silent Attitude. And your," Rarity wrinkled her nose slightly. "Your gas ability. Rainbow has always been a little...rougher than most Ponies." Twilight and Rarity exchanged a look with each other, both giving soft grins. Douche-Bag watched the pair of them, unmoving. Rarity smiled. "Well, I'm sure you'll get to meet most of the ponies in Ponyville during your first couple of days." She giggled. "Pinkie-Pie is sure to throw you one of her patented Welcome to Ponyville parties." She and Twilight sniggered quietly to each other again though once they saw that Douche-Bag was still watching them, his expression neutral, that the two mares stopped their sniggering. "W-Well." Rarity stammered. "W-We'll see what happens when we get there Darling." The Alabaster Unicorn gave another nervous giggle, slipped a fashion magazine out of the expensive saddle-bag that she had brought and disappeared behind it. Twilight continued to stare at Douche-Bag, though she looked away whenever Douche-Bag's eyes focused on her. The Stallion turned his head, watching as the little village continued to grow closer and closer. He supposed it would be interesting to stay in Ponyville...at least till he found a way home...though...

For the first time in his life, Douche-Bag found himself thinking more and more about the Violet Mare sitting in front of him and the Princes of the Sun in Canterlot. Douche-Bag had never cared much for girls. He'd always figured that his fart powers would've drive most girls away. What was it Cartman said. "Girls were either cootie-infested or just two-faced." But now...Douche-Bag turned his head slightly so that he could see Twilight out of the corner of his eye. She was pretty. And her nervous ticks around him were pretty cute. And if Douche-Bag was right, the violet Unicorn's offer to stay had more to it than Twilight just being friendly. And the way that Celestia had acted around him...Collecting him from his bedroom early, then getting annoyed when Twilight had interrupted her. Douche-Bag felt a twinge inside of him. Both Twilight and Celestia had fallen for him. But...Douche-Bag blinked, turning his head the whole way round. Twilight looked up and smiled at him, then blushed and looked down again. The violet Unicorn was attractive. Very attractive. Perhaps prime material for...Douche-Bag shook himself slightly. He was being stupid...incredibly stupid. There was no way that either of the two mares could've fallen for him in that way. The two mares had only known him a few days. Then again, Douche-Bag's abilities had been amplified since coming to Equestria. Maybe his hidden ability had changed from making friends to attracting females. Though if that was the case...then why was Rarity not falling head-over-hooves for him...Douche-Bag leaned his head back, sinking deep into thought as the train ploughed on, emitting another long, shrill whistle.

The Train finally pulled into the Ponyville station with a final blast of its whistle. Stepping down out of their carriage, Rarity, Twilight-Sparkle and Douche-Bag all stood around, peering through the thick clouds of smoke that had gathered around them. Most of the Ponies that had disembarked were making their way off the platform, some waving to friends, others simply stalking down the stairs. Douche-Bag was wondering why they hadn't done the same as the other arrivals when he noticed something. The smoke had started to clear by now, allowing him a slightly clearer view of the town. It was just like he remembered, all thatched cottages and cobbled streets. With one exception. A pink blur was speeding down the various streets, winding between the houses and market stalls, wind whistling as it flew. Whatever the thing was, it was moving almost impossibly fast. Then the Silent Stallion noticed something else. The blur was flying straight at them. As it got closer, Douche-Bag could see that the blur had four legs, pink fur and big blue eyes. And it was coming straight at him. Douche-Bag had a brief reminder of the times he'd been attacked in South Park, that rush right before he had to fight off a band of roaming elves or Nazi zombies...and then the thing hit him. It was like being hit by block of concrete. The thing bowled him over, making him roll like a bouncy ball, over and over until something gripped his tail and he stopped, lying on his back. After a second, Douche-Bag opened his eyes.

"Oh-my-gosh-are-you-new?-I-thought-you-must-be-new-because-I've-never-seen-you-around-here-before!" Shouted the Pink Earth pony that was suddenly in his face. Douche-Bag blinked. The Mare had a large, poofy mane, a wide smile and big blue eyes. Her smile seemed impossibly wide, like something out of a deranged cartoon. And that voice. It was bright and cheerful, each tooth shining like they'd been polished expertly. Though Douche-Bag was slightly more concerned with the fact that this pink Earth Pony seemed to be pinning him to the ground, nose to nose with him, one of her hooves on either side of his head. "I-think-you-must-be-new-because-I've-never-seen-you-around-before.-oh-did-I-say-that-already?-I'M-just-so-excited-about-meeting-a-new-pony-cause-new-ponies-are-so-much-fun-to-meet!" The words fired out of the mares mouth like bullets from a machine gun. The Mare continued jabbering her body pinning Douche-Bag to the ground. Tilting his head to the side, Douche-Bag could see Rarity and Twilight-Sparkle both sniggering at the predicament he was stuck in. Eventually, Twilight managed to regain enough of her composure to levitate the still jabbering Earth Pony off of Douche-Bag and plonking her down beside Rarity.

"Pinkie-Pie, please be nice to Douche-Bag." The Violet Unicorn chided gently, still holding the jabbering pink pony in her magic. "Douche-Bag has only just arrived in Equestria and I don't think he appreciates being knocked over." Twilight waited until the jabbering Earth Pony had stopped jabbering, then set her down. She was still grinning widely but no longer attempted to dive at Douche-Bag. Now that the Mare had been dragged off him, Douche-Bag could see that this Pinkie-Pie's fur was a bright shade of pink, to match her poofy mane and tail. Upon the mares flank was emblazoned a trinity of Balloons that made up her cutie mark. Something to do with Celebrations? Rarity had mentioned that Pinkie-Pie was a party pony. Twilight smiled, leading the excitable Earth Pony a little closer to Douche-Bag. The silent Stallion that Pinkie-Pie was practically vibrating in place, possibly from attempting to restrain herself from diving at Douche-Bag again. Though as soon as she got close enough, the Pink mare grabbed Douche-Bags hoof and began shaking the appendage hard enough for it to hurt.

"Hiya Douche-Bag!" Pinkie-Pie exclaimed loudly, shaking the hoof harder and harder. "I'm Pinkie-Pie! It's great meet ya!" She stopped the hoof-shake, leaving Douche-Bag staring at his foreleg. The limb was smoking slightly. The silent Stallion gingerly placed his hoof on the ground, causing a painful sting and looked up at the Pink Pony as she bounced around him. Now that Douche-Bag noticed it, the Pink pony's hooves seemed to bend slightly, like a marshmallow being squashed between a persons fingers and then pushed back up again, propelling the excitable mare a few centimeters into the air. As the mare did this, her hooves made a soft and very precise, bonging noise, like something out of a child cartoon. She stopped after a while, her grin still as wide as ever before and giggled. "Ya don't talk to much do ya, buddy? That alright! Some Mares go for the tough guy act." Pinkie-Pie's mane suddenly flattened itself and what appeared to be stubble materialized on the lower part of her face. "Bwah! I'm so tough I don't need to talk!" Douche-Bag blinked as the Mares face morphed back into its normally shape and color. He was frozen. The sheer impossibility of how the mare could change her body structure had stunted his thinking processes. He stood there, rigid, watching the ink pony as she hopped around in front of him. Suddenly, the pink Mare stopped, impossibly in mid-air and gasped loudly. "I just forgot!" she cried out. "Rainbow-Dash told me to bring you girls...and guys," she added, looking over at the still frozen Douche-Bag. "Anyways, she told me to bring to that old barn out in the fields! C'mon." With a rush, rather like that of an airplane, the Party Pony zoomed off down the road.

"Well....that was Pinkie-Pie." Chuckled Twilight, giving Douche-Bag a nudge. Douche-Bag stared after the pony. "Yeah...Pinkie seems able to do the impossible." Giggled Twilight, gently prodding the silent Stallion. "Come on Douche-Bag." the violet mare, signalling to Rarity who had been giggling into her hoof for the entirety of the conversation. "Let's go and see what Rainbow-Dash wants us to see." Twilight and Rarity both shared a grin. "Knowing her," The violet Unicorn giggled, keeping a soft pressure on Douche-Bag's side to keep the stupefied Stallion moving. "It'll probably be something to incorporate into her flying shows." She glanced at the Silent Stallion beside her, grinning widely now. "I think she'll like you Douche-Bag. She's never met a pony that can do tricks with his...gas before."

The party of three continued along until they reached the clearing that Pinkie-Pie had told them about. It was a large building, though showing its age. There were holes in the walls and ceiling, through which the broken support timbers could be shown. The door was hanging off its hinges, swinging gently off one of the rusted hinges. Douche-Bag, Twilight and Rarity all stood there, the two mares frowning. It was hard to tell if Pinkie-Pie had been setting the three of them up for one of her elaborate pranks. Twilight and Rarity traded glances with each other, remembering some of the pranks that the Pink, Party Pony had played on them. Here, the Mares were doubly sure that there was some form of hilarious trap waiting for them inside. It was with some trepidation therefore, that the three ponies made their way towards the ramshackle barn. Twilight stopped just as she reached the door. Then she turned to Douche-Bag and placed a hoof on his chest, stopping the silent Stallion from entering. She gave him a sheepish grin.

"Listen Douche-Bag." The violet mare began slowly, her strained grin widening slightly. "Pinkie-Pie..is a prankster. She may be as friendly as pie most of the time but she can be prone to prank you when you least expect it. I just want you to be careful OK?" Douche-Bag blinked at her. "Well OK then." Twilight said, giving a sigh of resolution. She turned and strode into the barn. There was a moments silence. "What in Equestria..." Douche-Bag and Rarity traded glances, then followed Twilight inside. Both of them froze mid-stride. A Cyan furred Pegasus was hanging from the rafters, her legs bound to her body and a length of cloth over her mouth. Her rainbow mane and tail were also looped to her body with coils of rope. The bound Mare glared at the assembled party, letting loose a stream of muffled obscenities. Twilight glanced back at the other two ponies with her, then looked up at the mare a soft blush on her face. "Rainbow-Dash..." The violet mare began slowly. "I know you like to do this in your spare time but I thought you promised not to do any kinky stuff anywhere near Ponyville!"