The Stick of Truth: Equestria

"EURGH! WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT?! A SNEAKY SQUEAKER?!" Screamed the voice. Twilight stopped dead as the green cloud Douche-Bag had somehow conjured exploded with a wet sound, blowing open the door and covering the white Unicorn standing outside the door in foul smelling gas. "ARGH! My eyes!" howled the Unicorn, scrabbling against the floor where he'd been thrown, tears streaming from under his hooves. Douche-Bag watched as Twilight ran over, not moving from his perch. He watched the Violet unicorn move in beside the howling stallion wiggling about on the floor. His expression didn't change from its normal vagueness but Douche-Bags eyes tracked the swirls of foul green vapor as they dissipated. His Sneaky-Squeaker, a concentrated ball of gas, a fart in layman's terms, was far stronger here than it had been in South-Park. It had mainly served as a distraction in most cases, a simple noise to draw the attention of any dimwitted soldier or opponent. The Human turned pony had never managed to pull off an offensive move involving the Sneaky-Squeaker. But then again...Douche-bag watched Twilight Sparkle pull the White Unicorn inside, trying to help him wipe his streaming eyes.

The Unicorn he had gassed had Bright white fur and a short, though stylish, Navy blue mane which matched his bright Blue eyes. Though these eyes were rather comically bloodshot and streaming with tears at the moment, Douche-Bag could see the confidence and strength in them. As Twilight Sparkle conjured a cloth with a poof of Violet smoke, Douche-Bag got a look at the symbol imprinted on the Stallions flank. A stylish shield in a shade of dark blue with a pinkish purple star. Douche-Bag, under normal circumstance would've thought that the strange image was a tattoo. But these were not normal circumstances. He'd heard Ponies talking about "Cutie Marks." The silent stallion had deduced these strange images on the ponies flanks were the subject in question. The Silent Stallion's thoughts were interrupted as Twilight plonked the gassed Stallion down upon a spare chair. He was glaring at Douche-Bag, trying hard to smooth his windblown mane. Douche-Bag simply sat there, his vague expression unmoved by the Stallions pain. This silence seemed to annoy the new Stallion as he suddenly punched his hoof down upon the desk, making the small pile of old books jump a few inches into the air.

"Who are you?" Demanded the Unicorn. He had a confident, easy going voice, which seemed to carry through the air with a clear tone. The words expressed the Stallions confidence and no nonsense attitude. Douche-Bag simply stared at him. The Stallion bared his teeth. "Twily, who is this...stinky Stallion." He had turned to Twilight Sparkle, who had been hovering beside the pair of stallions, a nervous look on her face. Twiliy? Even Douche-Bags typical vague look flickered slightly at the silliness of the name. "Well?" Demanded the White Unicorn, Twilight's silence clearly making his attitude problem worse.

"His...He said his name was Douche-Bag." She said. The White Unicorn frowned but before he could interrupt, Twilight held up a hoof. "Yes, I know. It's a strange name but he won't say anything else." Twilight turned her head to look at Douche-Bag. "Besides the...gas cloud whatever it was," the mare wrinkled her nose, "All this pony has done is sit here, stare around and read books." Twilight jerked suddenly, like she'd received an electric shock. "And while we're on the subject." she said turning a stern look upon Douche-Bag. "I don't appreciate you sitting down, ignoring me AND attacking my Brother like that!" Douche-Bag tilted his head, staring past Twilight at the Stallion behind her, who had finally managed to wipe his eyes clean of the Sneaky-Squeaker remnants. "Yes that is my Brother, Shining Armor." Twilight said coldly. "For that matter," she added,, turning to Shining Armor with a confused look. "Why are you here Shining? Not that I'm not pleased to see you but what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be back at Canterlot?" Shining Armor shook his head, putting down the dirty rag.

"Celestia sent me to collect you Twily." he said. "Her Majesty has unearthed something of magical value. Apparently it was something the Princess wanted to show you." He turned to Douche-Bag, who had been watching silently. "And don't worry about that...Gas Cloud move you pulled." He smiled. "I should've knocked on the door instead of just staring through the little peephole." The White furred Unicorn stuck his hoof out. "As Twilight just said, my name is Shining Armor, Captain of the Equestrian royal guard." Douche-Bag raised his own hoof and bumped it against Shining's. Apparently satisfied, Shining withdrew his hoof, turning his attention to Douche-Bags clothes, bow and arrow. "I noticed that Bow you're carrying. Are you some kind of Mercenary?" Twilight leaned in suddenly, whispering into Shining Armor's ear. The White Unicorn frowned. "Twilight tells me you're a mage." His eyes flickered toward the headband around Douche-Bags head. "But how can that be? You're not a Unicorn, nor do you hold any magical items that I can see." Douche-Bag stared at them. "OK...." Shining armor said after a few seconds of silence. "Twilight." he turned back to the Unicorn next to him. "Would you mind packing your bags? Spike is still in Canterlot on official business so we can see to it he meets you." Twilight frowned, turning to look at Douche-Bag.

"What about him? Or my friends for that matter, I can't just..." But she stopped as Shining Armor held up a hoof. He was staring at Douche-Bag who had flipped open the book on magical Artifacts in Equestria. The Earth pony had frozen. Moving around the table, Shining armor and Twilight frowned. The page Douche-Bag had landed on was depicting a short length of gold, with several jewels set along the length. "What have you found Douche-Bag?" asked Twilight confusedly. Shining Armor gasped. "What?" Asked Twilight confusedly. Shining Armor's hoof came down to point at the top of the page. Emboldened with golden threads drawn onto the parchment was the title: The Stick of Truth. "Is that something of interest to you Douche-Bag?" asked Twilight. Shining Armor pulled her aside, leaving the Earth Pony staring at the book. "What's wrong Shiney?" asked Twilight. Shining Armor made sure that the door was closed on Douche-Bag before he turned to Twilight.

"Twilight." The Violet Unicorn blinked. It had been a long time since Twilight had heard her brother use her full name instead of his nickname for her. "That's the same artifact Princess Celestia wanted you to see." Twilight blinked. "This can't be a coincidence." Shining Armor nodded at the other room. Douche-Bag had now dragged his gaze away from the book and was now looking towards their hiding place. His expression of neutrality had not changed in the slightest. Shining Armor nodded towards the Earth Pony. "I won't deny there is something likable about this....this Douche-Bag but it can't be random chance that he shows up in Ponyville and finds a book about the same artifact that the Princess finds the very same week." Twilight nodded. "Would you mind bringing along this guy?" Suddenly, Shining Armor grinned. "Maybe I can get this stallion to do that Sneaky-Squeaker technique on some of my more rowdy recruits." Twilight nodded, then jumped, letting out a loud squeal of alarm as she pushed open the door again to find Douche-Bag standing outside the door. The Stallion had obviously moved silently closer to the door and had been listening in on the two Unicorns. Shining Armor, less susceptible to unexpected surprises, blinked at the robed stallion as his vague blue eyes swiveled between them. "I'm guessing you heard all that huh?" asked the Unicorn, looking a little embarrassed. Douche-Bag nodded. Twilight, also blushing, hurried to correct her embarrassing shriek.

"W-W-Well...M-Mister Douche-Bag, would you like to accompany my brother and I to Canterlot. Judging from your reaction, it's clear you want to see this Artifact yourself and," Twilight put on a smile. "I'd really like to introduce to my mentor. The Princess Celestia herself. Would you like that?" Douche-Bag's head tilted for a second. Then he nodded. Twilight and Shining Armor turned to each other, smiling. "Well then." Twilight said, moving past Douche-Bag and walking over to the stairs. "I'll get some things together. The train journey should take a couple of hours." she smiled back at the pair of Stallions. "Maybe we can get you out of that shell you have Douche-Bag."

Canterlot Castle

Princess Celestia sighed to herself as she handed back another report to one of the many, lab coat wearing ponies that were sitting inside her throne room. The Alicorn, for all her legendary patience, was bored. She'd been sitting on the throne, surrounded by these bookish, artifact obsessed ponies for the past four hours, reading report after report after report. The Princess dearly wished for a large slice of cake or some other sugary treat. Something to calm her waning patience. Celestia sighed, readjusting herself so her royal backside did not ache as much as it had before. The Alicorn hurt from the tips of her golden plated hooves to the end of her long horn. Celestia gritted her teeth, sure that her pristine white fur was bristling with her need to escape the hall, full of specialized tools, stacks of parchment and quills. It was only reminding herself that she had a reputation to uphold that was keeping her from tearing out of the large hall and running to the castles kitchen, demanding that the head cook make her a three tier cake. With lots of icing and chocolate. The Alicorn grinned. The papers would have a field day with that story if they found out she'd been caught pigging out on cakes...Again. Celestia sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she would have to remain here, with these ponies and hold out hope that one of the cooks would be around to make her a cake.

Then Again, the Artifact in front of her was admittedly quite intriguing. As custodian of the castle of Canterlot, Celestia had seen fit to search through the vaults of Canterlot. The vaults were a myriad of chambers, stored with many boxes and crates. In a fit of intrigue, Celestia had ordered a search of the many boxes and vaults. The search party had returned with the Artifact. It was a large rod of golden metal, various jewels set along its length. The rod tapered to a cradle, in which a red oval gem was sitting. Celestia stared at the object, housed in a small glass cabinet upon a soft velvet cushion. Celestia's team of specialists had confirmed that the object was made of specialized gold and had many rare jewels. There was definitely something magical about the odd object. It must've had something magical or some form of power for it to have been locked inside the Canterlot Vaults...but they had absolutely no idea what the hay it was. Many of the team had gawked at the object when it had been revealed. But none of them knew what it was. That was what made the assembled ponies so nervous. From the return of Nightmare Moon, the dark side of Celestia's sister, Princess Luna to the invasion of a Changling swarm bent on devouring the whole city, the ponies had every right to be nervous about something like this. Celestia just wished some-pony would come up with something...anything.

"Princess?" Celestia jumped as the soft voice sounded beside her. Looking down, the Alicorn saw that one of her royal guards was standing beside her. Covered from head to hoof in golden armor, with a specialized hole for the guards horn, the pony cut an imposing figure. But that was their job after all. The guard was levitating a small scroll, tied with a small red ribbon. "A message has been sent from Ponyville your majesty." the Guard said, bowing and floating the scroll over to the Princess. "It is a report from Captain Shining Armor." Celestia smiled, taking the scroll from the guard with a nod of thanks and unrolling it.

"Dear Princess Celestia. I hope this report finds you well. My mission to Ponyville has been a success. My sister, Twilight Sparkle will be arriving with myself by the end of the day. However," Celestia's eyes narrowed. She didn't like however's. "It is with some surprise that I must inform you of the second guest that I will be bringing to the castle. A Stallion by the name of Douche-Bag has arrived at Twilight's library. He claims to be looking for the same artifact that your science teams have unearthed. As I feel that this is more than a coincidence, I will be bringing this Stallion to you. Your faithful captain, Shining Armor." Celestia lowered the parchment. A pony by the name of Douche-Bag? She'd heard some strange names in her time as ruler but...Douche-Bag? She sighed, making her decision. She looked over the side of her throne. One of the two guards that she always had stationed there looked up at her, smiling to mirror Celestia's.

"Would you please send someone to inform my sister of these developments sir guard?" she asked handing him the note. The Guard saluted and galloped out of the throne room. Celestia leaned back against her throne, eyeing the strange golden rod once more. She sometimes wondered why such strange things kept happening to her country. But she supposed being the ruler of a magical land like Equestria did come with some prices. "Is this all because of you?" she asked. But the Golden rod in front of her remained as it was, lying innocently upon its velvet cushion.

Twilight Sparkle sighed in annoyance as she sat in the first class train car that Shining Armor had managed to snag for the three of them. Since Shining had sent the report of his progress to the Princess, all three, Douche-Bag, Shining and herself, had made their way to the train station. And Douche-Bag had not spoken a single word. All through the town, Twilight had tried to describe her favorite places, like the quill and sofa warehouse to the local book shop, in a vain attempt to get the silent Earth Pony to say something. All that had greeted her however was silence. And she was starting to get annoyed with it. It was like sitting with a pile of bricks. It didn't help that Shining Armor had left the carriage the moment they had started their journey, seeking the refreshment trolley that often rolled through each carriage. The violet Unicorn hoped that she wouldn't have to spend the next few hours sitting in complete silence with this strange, robe wearing stallion of silence. Normally liked the quiet of silence when studying but with a strange new pony sitting in front of her, Twilight's urge to learn new things was beginning to get to her. Twilight eyed the Stallion sitting across from her. Douche-Bag was staring out of the window, watching the foliage pass by.

"You know..." she began thoughtfully. Douche-Bag turned to look at her. "I don't think I've ever seen a robe like yours before, nor have I known any Unicorn to wear one like that." Silence. Twilight sighed and Douche-Bag returned his gaze to the outside scenery. "Do you ever talk?" Asked Twilight. Silence greeted her. She sighed, pulling a book from her saddle-bag and flipping it open. "You seemed very interested in that Artifact that my brother is taking us to see." she pressed, peeking at the Stallion from over the top of her book. Douche-Bag's head tilted so that one of his cold eyes was looking at her. "I'm guessing it's something important?" she asked. Douche-Bags expression didn't change. Instead, all Twilight succeeded in doing was causing the robed Stallion's head to return to its original position. Twilight gave a great huff of annoyance.

"You won't gt anything out of him Twily." Shining Armor had returned to the cabin, a small tray with two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits floating in the air beside him. Setting down the tray next to Twilight, the White stallion settled himself beside her. "We've been trying to get him to talk for the best part of an hour now and nothing." Twilight sighed, taking one of the cups in her own violet magic and drinking from it.

"I know that Shiny but if we can't get him to talk then how in Equestria will we be able to find out what he wants?" She moaned, casting a despairing look at her brother. "He can't just continue with silence and vague looks. Even I can't go five minutes without talking to myself." Shining nodded, a sympathetic look on his face. "I mean," Twilight continued, throwing down her book in frustration. "Doesn't it seem weird to you that all he does is stare or...?"

"Twilight, I know." He said soothingly. "But we can't pressure him into speaking." He grinned crookedly at Twilight's incredulous look. "Yeah alright. I may have a tendency to be a bit reckless during my duties but I do understand the importance of patience." He gave Twilight a cheeky wink. "Being married has a tendency to make you grow up a bit...even if you don't want to." Twilight giggled. "C'mon." said Shining Armor, picking up the teapot and drawing his sister a fresh cup. "Tell me all about what you've been up too. It's been a while since the wedding." Twilight smiled, settling next to her brother and beginning what would hopefully fill the silence for the next few hours, whilst their silent companion stared out at the scenery, his thoughts fixed on the artifact waiting for him in Canterlot.