chapter 3

"Douche-Bag? Douche-Bag, we're here." said a soft voice. Douche-Bag's eyes blinked open. A purple blob was dancing in front of his blurry vision. That purple blob morphed as Douche-Bag blinked away his tiredness, elongating into the familiar face of Twilight Sparkle. The Unicorn smiled, withdrawing the hoof that she had been using to shake Douche-Bag awake. "We've arrived Douche-Bag." The earth pony nodded, turning his head to look outside the train window. Steam was rising past the window, obscuring most of the outside imagery but Douche-Bag was able to make out the train platform, several ponies, some in stylish outfits others in porter uniforms, moving about, getting on and off the train. He must've fallen asleep at some point during the ride to the Canterlot. "You'd better hurry Douche-Bag," the Unicorn in front of him joked, moving back to her seat to collect the small pile of books that she'd brought and stuffing them inside her saddlebags. "You don't want the train to go with you still on it." Douche-Bag nodded, jumping down from the seat and stretching. Pain lanced up and down his body as his stiff muscles slowly un-knotted themselves. The Earth pony figured he must've been sleeping for hours to be this stiff and stretched out a little harder, his backside rising a few inches into the air .

PHRAAAPH!

Twilight turned to look at the Earth pony, an expression of disgust on her face, "You know Douche-Bag," she said, trying to hold her nose with one hoof and swing the saddle bags onto her back with the other. "That's disgusting." Douche-Bag stared at her, unmoved by the fart he had just loosed. To him, the fart was just an easier way to release pent up gasses. It was, the Earth Pony thought, a much better way to get rid of it than farting in someones face, as Cartman would've done. Twilight glared at her silent companion. "Come on Douche-Bag." said the Unicorn, moving as fast as she could out of the carriage. "We better catch up with my brother. Shining said he was going to see if the escort was here." Douche-Bag nodded and hurried to catch up with her, shutting the door behind him. Twilight gave a pained smile as the Earth Pony caught up with her. The violet Unicorn felt truly sorry for the next occupants of that train carriage. Green vapor was still pressing against the glass door.

The hooded pony watched as the small circle of golden armored ponies surrounded his enemy. Douche-Bag had arrived, just as his new soldier had predicted. The stallion couldn't hold back a smile as some of the royal guards moved in and surrounded the Earth pony he had come to hate. He had to repress a laugh as the guards cuffed Douche-Bag. That image had been his sole source of entertainment for the last few months. Since Douche-Bag and that fat-ass wizard had tossed him from the top of his tower. All because he wanted to use Nazi Zombies to kill the earth. It was so unfair. The hooded eyes tracked the party of guards escorted Douche-Bag through the town, the Violet Unicorn with him complaining the whole way. Soon he'd make Douche-Bag pay. He'd make him pay for getting him kicked out of Kuppa Keep. He'd make him pay for destroying his army and humiliating him. From under the hood of his new cloak, the stallion smiled evilly. He may not have an army of Nazi Zombies anymore. He may not be the dark lord anymore. But he would still rule all of Equestria. All he needed was a new dark tower and a new dark lords outfit.

"Captain Shining Armor!" Said the grey Stallion standing to attention as Twilight, Shining and Douche-Bag stepped down off the train. "Princess Celestia sent us to escort you and your guests to the castle." Whilst Shining dealt with the escorts, Douche-Bag looked around. From what he could see, Canterlot was composed of tall, elegant buildings, with many ornate attachments such as large banisters, balconies and other swanky attachments. Several ponies wandered about throughout the city scape. From what Douche-Bag could see, many of the ponies milling about were dressed in finery, mainly expertly designed suits and dresses. Douche-Bag noticed that, despite Twilight's assurances that the ponies of Canterlot were friendly, the expressions on many faces he saw looked more akin too...stuck-up asshole. Incredibly stuck-up asshole. Most ponies that past him seemed to stick their noses high into the air and sniff, as though they could smell something different about him. That wasn't surprising however as he had just let loose a practice Dragonshout a few minutes ago. "Excuse me sir?" said a voice. Douche-Bag blinked. The guard from before was standing in front of him. The golden armored Pegasus was holding up what looked like a pair of silver circlets, connected by a chain. "Per orders of the Princess, we need to restrain you. Please hold still while I place these hoof-cuffs on." Twilight and Shining Armor turned, expressions of surprise on their faces. Douche-Bag simply stood there silently.

"What's this about lieutenant?" Demanded Shining Armor, taking a step forward. "I wrote in my report that Douche-Bag was coming with us, not that he should be arrested." The guard turned to him, an uncomfortable. Shining Armor was credited as being a fair and competent commander and his forces generally disliked disobeying or fighting with him. "C'mon lieutenant, out with it!" Barked Shining, taking another step forward angrily.

"Pardon us Captain but the order isn't from Princess Celestia." the guard stammered. Shining stopped, surprise spreading across his face. "It came from Princess Luna." the guard continued, taking his Captains silence as a cue to continue. "She claimed that the Stallion known as Douche-Bag was to be taken directly to her as soon as he arrived." Twilight stepped in front of Douche-Bag, preventing the guard from cuffing the silent stallion. She was angry.

"Douche-Bag has done nothing wrong!" she said angrily. "He hasn't been to Canterlot before...have you?" she asked, throwing a look at Douche-Bag. The Earth Pony simply stared at her. "Well...as far as we know, he hasn't done anything wrong, nor has he been to this city before!" Complained Twilight. Before the guard could respond, Twilight took another step forward, pushing her snout right into the Stallions face. "Let me talk to Princess Luna. I'm sure we can do something to sort this..." Shining Armor moved in and placed a hoof on his irate sisters shoulder. Twilight turned her head, looking up angrily at her brothers sympathetic look. She knew what was coming. A big Brothers lecture. Shining Armor would always do this when she was being to aggressive. It was his secret weapon. Shining knew exactly how to calm down Twilight in whatever had annoyed her.

"Twily, you know that if Princess Luna wants something, she'll get it regardless of consequences." Twilight glared at her brother, opening her mouth to retort. "Twilight!" The Violet unicorn opened her mouth again...then closed it again at the look on her brothers face. She sighed. Shining always knew what was best. She lowered her head, feeling guilty at shouting at the guard. Shining looked over towards Douche-Bag. "Douche-Bag, I'm sorry about this." he said, moving over to pat the silent Stallion on the shoulder. "I honestly don't know what this is all about but we'll get it sorted out. We'll get you out of this bro." he held his hoof out. Douche-Bag, silent expression unwavering, bumped the hoof offered to him. The guard, looking incredibly awkward, cuffed Douche-Bag and, with several other guards, led the silent Earth Pony away. Twilight watched them go, a worried look on her face. "Hey don't worry little sister." Shining said, wrapping a leg around her. "He's in good hooves." Then the Stallion grinned. "I just hope he doesn't use that Sneaky-Squeaker on any of my guards. Farts are something they aren't trained for."

The guards surrounding Douche-Bag were all silent as they led him towards the giant, elegant looking castle that seemed to sprout of nowhere. It was all turrets and battlements, great drawbridges and white marble. The sort of thing Kyle might've found tacky but what Cartman might've called: "fuckin awesome brah!" Douche-Bag kept his usual silence however, contemplating the situation he was in. Two guards were positioned on both sides of him, with another in front. All were silent, partly because of their professional attitude and partly because Douche-Bag's vague silences had driven out all possibility of conversation. Douche-Bag had considered using a Dragonshout or cupping-a-spell at his captors but with hands, cupping-spells was useless. Dragon-shouting wouldn't do any good since his position meant that the angle would've resulted in the green vapor going mostly underneath the Stallions around him. Since Douche-Bag had taken the gentleman's oath, that being to never fart on some-pony's balls, he was pretty much stuck. And so the guards led him on in silence, occasionally conversing with each other in low whispers, until finally they arrived at the castle. The drawbridge entrance lowered and Douche-Bag was led inside.

The Castle was just as elegant inside as it was outside. Statues and other antiques lined the walls on marble plinths. Several stained glass windows lined the walls, each depicting ponies in various potions, some heroic, others simple. The guards walked Douche-Bag down several of these hallways until they came to a door, painted midnight blue. A silver moon was emblazoned on the door. The guard leading Douche-Bags escort knocked gently on the door and without waiting for an answer, led Douche-Bag inside. The Inside was dark, with several navy blue hangings surrounding a circular table, with several plush cushions instead of seats. The guards seated Douche-Bag upon one of the cushions and left, leaving the hoof-cuffs on. The door closed, leaving Douche-Bag alone to stare around at the room. Like the table the room was circular, with a darker, midnight blue look about it. The blue was darker than most of the castle, without the slightest sign of marble. Even the floor was covered in a dark rug. Looking up, Douche-Bag could see that instead of a marble ceiling the night sky seemed to have been brought down to light the room, complete with several twinkling stars and a thick, shining moon.

"I see thou is enjoying my replica of our fair night sky." Douche-Bag turned his head. A pony was standing in front of the table, setting a small tray with a steaming teapot, two delicate china cups and a large bowl of sugar cubes. Unlike the ponies he'd spoken to in the past, Douche-Bag saw that this new arrival had both wings and a horn. What had Twilight called them...an Alicorn. This Alicorn had midnight blue fur and eyes, wearing a set of what appeared to be black armor, covering her chest and hooves. A black and blue crown was perched just above the Alicorns horn. This, he guessed was Princess Luna. "You are the stallion known as Douche-Bag?" demanded the Princess, pouring herself some of the tea. Douche-Bag simply sat there. One of the Princess's eyes twitched. "You are an enigma Douche-Bag. And yet I cannot deny that there is something...likable about you." The Princess smiled, pushing the tea towards Douche-Bag. "Expressing gas like you did...would've cast a cloud on your arrival and yet even the Fair, Sir Shining Armor has taken a liking to you." Douche-Bag stared at her, silent as ever. The Princess faltered. "I...that is to say...my sister and I...are curious to see these special gifts of yours Douche-Bag, if you would be so kind?" The Stallion stared at her. "We...are also interested...in your title." stammered the Princess. "You call yourself a mage yet there is no horn upon thou's head."

Douche-Bag stared at the flustered Alicorn, ignoring the cup of tea. A question had floated to the forefront of his mind. He'd only just arrived in Equestria yet this Alicorn seemed to know him inside and out. He stared into the blue eyes, searching for something that he could use to build a profile. With a profile, he could find a weak spot. A giggle stopped his thoughts. Luna was looking at him and smiling widely. The Princess stood up from behind the table and moved round to stand next to him. A soft bluish glow surrounded the Princess's horn and, with a snap, the hoof cuffs sprang open,clattering to the soft rug. The Princess turned and walked to the door, pushing it open with her blue magic. The Alicorn turned to look at the silent stallion with a glint in her eyes.

"Would you walk me Douche-Bag?"

The moment Twilight-Sparkle entered the throne room of Princess Celestia, the first thing she did was greet her mentor with a bow, an affectionate nuzzle and demand that Celestia explain why Douche-Bag had been led to the castle in chains. Celestia blinked in confusion. Her sister, whilst being a little bit younger than her, had not been one to act irrationally. Sure the Alicorn responsible for raising the moon was still prone to, what Celestia called, foalish outbursts. But this was surprise. In all the years that she'd known Luna, Celestia had never seen her have a prisoner brought to her alone without consulting Celestia. It was even stranger that both her sister and this strange Douche-Bag seemed to have vanished into thin air.

"I'm sorry Twilight." The white furred Alicorn sighed, watching her faithful student pace from one end of the throne room to the other and back again. "But I've learned from experience that if my sister does not want to be found then she will not be." Twilight sighed in obvious discomfort, shuffling from one leg to the other. "If I could offer some form of explanation for my sisters actions then believe me I would." Twilight turned to look up at her Mentor. "We will just have to be patient and see what developments occur." Twilight sighed,resuming her pacing.

"But what if...What if...I don't know!" The frantic Unicorn yelled, throwing up her hooves. "I'm just a little bit worried about him." said Twilight, lowering her head. "He is my friend after all." Twilight sighed, plopping herself down on the cold marble next to the steps leading to her mentors throne. She couldn't get the silent stallion out of her mind. It was strange considering she'd only met him that morning and yet she still considered him a friend. Twilight was normally a more cautious pony when it came to friends. She'd met enough creature that could fake being friendly. The silence was broken as the large double doors at the end of the throne room began to open, sending loud creaking noises through the large room.

"Worry not sister!" said a cheerful voice as Princess Luna strode into the room, Douche-Bag right behind her. "I have brought our silent guest." . ,