“Hurry up Red! Our cousin is getting married, and we do not want to miss out on this!” My sister said, so impatient. Not noticing the time is 3:24 A.M. and the wedding starts at 3 P.M… Holy celestia can she stop waking me up at this time!
“Back to bed, Racer… It’s at 3 A.M…” She threw a piece of crumpled up paper at me.
“Read that Red. You got the time wrong.” Time for reading… If she can- screw it! I lit a candle and looked around me bed. My DJ stand near my window, to the left, my bed against the wall, and a desk to the right, where I do taxes or something when I am bored.
“It’s his invite-“ 4:30 A.M. “tation… Now who the- why did he set it to 4:30!? And who is he getting married to? Again?” I yelled at myself, and my sister answered from the kitchen
“ Maybe the pony who has been killing our family? Also, Pinkie Pie” Now that got me up, I got out of bed and down a small hallway, with my room, and her room. I walked downstairs and glared at her.
“Oh… Yeah… My bad, forgot. The killers dead... Or is this about Pinkie pie?”I shook my head. She looked back to her breakfast “We’re having hay bacon, and waffles.”
I hoofpumped. BEST, BREAKFAST, EVER, right? Come on who hates hay bacon strips and waffles! “Yes!”
She smiled “And I put some drugs in it” My eyes opened wide
“What!?” Oh, never mind. She has her “Kidding!” grin. Screw you sis.
“Alright, come on. Let’s get dressed. I messed up on the bacon so it cooks longer for some reason… I don’t know way.” I went upstairs and to my room. Now time to tease her for teasing me a couple days ago.
FLASYHBACKY
“Sis! I am home from work… Where are you?” I went up to her room and opened the door… To find her hanging from the ceiling…
“Race… Oh my bucking Celestia!” I raced downstairs and heard a loud boom from my room, and ran up there.
“Where the buck is my room!” I looked through the open door and freaked out. It was destroyed, gone. Broke the fence around my home.
“Hahaha! Oh my Celestia…” My sister came from her room alive. “I should get Dare to make more enchantments while I am at it! Priceless… Here.” She pushed me into my room… My room!?
“I see you’re speechless. Cement.” Cement was just poured onto my bed, what is going on?!
“Racer! What- huh?- Why the buck did you do that! How are you alive! Dare made that enchantment?! The Buck!” I charged after her, only to see her grinning
“Slap” A plastic board smacked me on the head, breaking the board.
“Racer! I see three of you… No, four… No… Pixies…” I blacked out.
“Lets see… Fake ripped open carcass on the ground.” I looked in the living room “Check.” I smiled “A hired homeless pony to be a zombie? Check… Paint? Check.” Lets do this. I faked a blood gurgling scream and hid.
“Bro, what's wrong?” Look in the living room, look in it or else I will rip off your genitals and shove them down your throat- oh wait… Meh, look in it or else I will throw paint on you in your sleep. AND YES SHE DID!
“Oh my god… What happene-“ Now he will come out. Here we are, a homeless pony with enough make up to be a zombie, attacking my sister.
“AHHHHH! Get off me you crazy pony! Shoo! Ahhh!” She pushed him off, and- wait! No not the metal baseball bat! Oh shoot! A hit to the neck!... He’s down… Oh goodie she is moving to my carcass… And is crying.
“Okay, now that the fun is over” I laughed coming out from my hiding place.
“What the- You’re dead! Get away from me zombie!” Going to plan, now she will move near her favorite couch… And she is on it. But may move away from it if I take a step closer.
“Can you take a step near the doorway?” Obvious answer
“No!” Going to plan as I walk closer to her, and closer to a string on the wall.
“Fine then” I put my teeth on it, and pulled, making some enchanted paint from Dare fall from the ceiling. And by enchanted I mean invisible paint until triggered. The paint landed all over Racer and all over her FAVORITE couch… Her FAVORITE… FAVORITE… FAV… OR… RITE… Now a baseball bat to the face! From her! Unconscious… Buck me in the flank!
WEDDING
The music began, I saw Pinkie walking down in a pink dress... Or is she naked? No, she can't be that fat so it must be a dress. She was accompanied by Mr. Cake, even though he is not her father. Soon she got on the stage, where the rest of the elements were on, and me with three other cousins.
Dare
We do not know how he enchants though.
Funks
He owns the club I work at
And Funks littler brother, Hitter.
Baseball.
Now then, let me get ready to sneeze infront of Celestia, Luna, the elements of harmony, and five-hundred other ponies.
"ACHOO!!!
A bit too loud...
... Well look at that... No one noticed... Except for the immature foals I see! HWo are they? Diamond Tiara and SIlver Spoon?
... They made fun of my looks once... Oh Celestia why were they invited! Did their father bribe them in? Who invited them?!
"The Element of honesty. Her grandmother," Why thank you Celestia for answering that in my head! Wait... Celestia?!
Rushed? Maybe. But I had to go to work, so… Had to be quick.
In the next chapter should I explain about Redbarks child hoof, or save it for a different story. Because there will be parts that are related to his childhood.
So then, this story will have comedy in it, and some drama... I hate drama, but it keeps the story alive.
Until next time! Redbark, out!
If you read my blog post, I am pissed off. I deleted EVERYTHING of 4000 words! So… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK
“…May your souls be joined together, in love. You may now kiss” Well nothing can go wrong with that. I jinxed it didn’t I? Oh my Celestia that is disgusting. Urge to yell out “How’s the sex life!” Oh Celestia why did I think of that! … You’re in my mind are you? Good, that must’ve-
Hi! No! Shoo!
I walked up to my cousin, a gift in my hand. “Well, I thought this day would never come, Daybreak.”
“Same here, one because I would’ve died if it weren’t for you… I would’ve died twice.” He stared at the ground, which was just grass… So he must be depressed right now
“He saw it coming…” The wedding looked… Less royal, and more fun. There were games for foals, and at least everything was decorated. There were white tents everywhere, either holding food, gifts, or just being a tent.
“Well, he messed with the Sharphaven family. His fault for not knowing that he is one man vs 72. Sure, he may have been trained, and deadly. But the rest of us were survivors… Red? You there?
12 years ago
“Oh celestia! Save me here!” I yelled as an explosion came from the abandoned apartment building we were in. I was in here with 69 of my cousins, all of our parents dead. We were orphans almost getting our flanks handed to us. We lost three of us.
“Red! This way! Quick before-“ My sister was caught off with an explosion roaring behind her. “Come on! Everypony else is hiding upstairs!” Just on que, twelve of my cousins jumped over a railing
“He found us! Killed Starlight, and Moonrazer!” Said Hitter, in tears. More of my cousins were either, galloping away, limping away, or tumbling onto the ground from being pushed.
“There he is! Look ou-“ Funks said before getting hit in the front right hoof with a magical beam… How do zebras use magic! Oh wait… Unicorn hybrid… Just like Daybreak. A red striped Zebra ran out of a hallway and towards me-
“Red! Equestria to Red- hello!...” He bucked me in the head five seconds after that. “What are you looking at?” I sadly had my eyes on some mare when I was in deep thought… OH NO.
“Nothing… Nothing at all.” I said looking at my brother, who had his lips perked, and in a smile.
“AWWWW… Seems like you have a crush on… A unicorn? I thought you were into pegasi…”
MUST… CHANGE… SUBJECT. “How’s the sex life?” Daybreaks smile stayed, but his head slowly turned to me… VERY slowly, with that scary smile.
“So… Cactus?” He opened a nearby gift, revealing a cactus… Oh celestia I know what he is going to do…
“No! I am totally alright! No cactus! How about something smoother! Or maybe nothing!” PLEASE STOP USING THAT GRIN
“Look around the tent.” NO… HE SEALED EVERY EXIT…
“Welcome to the gateway of pony hell cuz”
Several gruesome minutes later
I have to thank Hitter and Braeburn for getting me the BUCK out of there. Somehow… But now, time to enjoy the party… After this trip to the doctor.
“Muffins…” No that is me. Not Ditzy. I had a tray of muffins, bringing them to my sis.
“Why so many?” She began to count them “Eighteen… Nineteen… Twenty-five!? Are you kidding me Redbark! I am not eating this!
“Yes, you are…”
“Nothing you will do will make me eat that many!” I took out 50 bits out of my pocket.
“You stole that from somepony here, didn’t you?” I grinned, and nodded. Being a thief, my best talent, other than being a DJ.
“We’re not on the streets anymore Red, you could’ve just earned that here by being a chef… You can ask them”
“Nah, I am good. Now, eat all of these.” She shook her head I took out 25 more.
“Hundred bits.” I grinned and took out 25 more, making a hundred bits.
“Fine then, just don’t draw a large crowd.” 50 more bits give me the permission to?
“How about 50 bits to give me the permission to then.”
“How much money do these ponies have on them!” The threw her hooves in the air
“I just took 200 from one pony, I have 50 left.” Her jaw dropped.
“Fine, 150 bits will do this then”
I love yelling! “Hey everypony! My sister Racer is going to eat 25 muffins for 150 bits!” She grinned. At least 15 ponies
came, some telling me that’s a bit overpriced.
“How hard can it be?” She took a bite and felt something wiggle in her mouth.
“Did I also mention, the muffins had worms and beetles in them!” Here comes 7 foals.
“Bucket! Please! Another!” I tossed my sister a bucket… That’s about 4 total! And I never want to see her vomit EVER again
“24 muffins downed total! Last one! And it is way worse! Three beetles! Two worms! And pig dung!” She vomited just by hearing that! I made about 230 bits by gambling with this… And if she doesn’t vomit on this one, I get 200 more.
She picked it up with her hoof, noticing some spider eggs on it also. “Ooooh… Forgot to mention! She has to eat spider eggs with it!”
Vomit. Fifth bucket! She just threw it in her mouth, chewed very fast, and swallowed…
“Don’t vomit sis! Come on! Be a mare!” She was sweating, and threw her hoof on the table yelling
“Done! Finished! And you will not see my brother alive tomorrow!” I grinned… I am so dead.
“Also! Did I mention that I put a potion that makes you forget what happened?” Gotta love Zechora…
“What?” WIN!
“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!” I yelled at Funks, he must be so drunk right now… I now name myself Captain Obvious!
“You must be drunk right now! I am so changing my name to Captain Obvious after this!” Some chubby white stallion yelled
“Hey! Don’t take my name!” Wow, the odds of that? 1/10.
I walked outside, as soon as funks passed out. Diamond Tiara and… Something with a spoon, walked up to me... Buck me! Buck them! What are they going to say now? I want to punch them bu they’re fillies! Foals!... Foals!
“What do you want? I can’t hurt you, and that’s it. You’re foals, and filles. I broke the law enough times that I don’t want to go to jail again… Ever since I dropped the soap… Whatever” They looked at my face… STOP STARING AT ME!
“Why do you have a face of a mare?” Oh yeah, my nose is a bit different than other stallions… This isn’t an insult, it’s a question!
“Oh thank god, I thought you were going to insult me… Like how you do to everypony else… It’s a birth problem I had. Let’s say- wait, you’re too young for the birds and the bees…” They looked at me strangely…
“What now?”
“You said you broke the law…” Obvious question!
“Let’s see… I was an orphan, my parents were killed on purpose. Back in Filydelphia we had no orphanages. So I livedon the streets, which means I stole.” Leaving out the worst. They’re too young.
“There has to be worst.” Buck me! Let me say the real thing that got me in trouble.
“I… Killed.” I backed away slowly, just to be saved by my cousin daybreak.
“Red come in here please? I dare you to do a chugging contest!” Anything to get away from these two!
“Coming!” I galloped in saluting the foals for the heck of it.
I HATE THE LAST SCENE SO MUCH IT MAKES ME WANNA… URRRRRRRRRRGH… HULK SMASH…
I would’ve made this longer, but I have work. And I had to deal with the deleted work D: