Into the Muffin of Madness

“Are you sure this going to work?” Fluttershy asked as Twilight drew a chalk line over her the entrance to the cottage.

“Believe me, Fluttershy.” Twilight said a she pour a red potion on the line. “This will keep any pony with bad intention out. You’re the fifth pony I had to do this for today.” Twilight floated her supplies into her pack and looking at the setting sun. “I need to get going. I haven’t done my castle yet.”

“You should stay here tonight.” Fluttershy said quickly. “I won’t know what I do if you got hurt.” Fluttershy eyes started to water but stop when Twilight put a hoof on her shoulder.

“Fluttershy, I’ve fought monsters daily. I think I can handle one pony.” Twilight said. “Besides, I left Spike to make some dinner and he’s making hey burgers.” Twilight put the pack on her back and started the trip home. She was about half way there when she saw a stall place on the side of the road. As she approach it, she saw a lone pony sitting behind it with a bored look in his eyes. He perk up as Twilight got closer and pick up some items.

“Oh boy, Papa needs a new pair of everything.” He said as Twilight was in front of the stall. “I bet you are hungry from traveling for so long.” A growl from Twilight’s stomach answer his question. “Why do you buy my own special brand of mini-muffin.” The pony pull out a tiny muffin and hold it up to Twilight.

“Well, I guess one muffin won’t hurt.” Twilight said and pick up the small muffin. She pop it in her mouth and bit down. Twilight felt a puff of air and was starting to feel dizzy. “What did you put in these?” Was the last thing Twilight started to say before she pass out and hit the ground.

“So much for being the smartest one, eh Twilight?” the pony said, taking off her disguise. “I hope you wake up soon because I don’t want you to miss what I got plan for you.

* * *

Twilight awoke to find herself on some kind of metal table, spread eagle so her leg were bound by heavy metal cuff with strange ruins on them. She look up to see above her were multiple vents, tubes, and pots. She started to struggle when a blinding light turn on from above.

“Don’t bother.” A loud booming voice rumble. “Those are enchanted cuff to prevent teleportation. Can’t have you escaping your fate, now can I?” Twilight look to see a pony wearing a white mask that had two cracks, one going horizontal and then one on the top going vertical. The pony was also wearing what look like a scientist cloak while holding a clip board.

“Let me guess. The Puzzler.” Twilight said. The Puzzler started clapping.

“I see my name is getting around.” He said while checking the cuffs.

“For all the wrong reasons.” Twilight said, straining against the restraints. “Why did you try to hurt my friend? Or a harmless teacher for that matter!?!”

“The teacher was just a test. But as for your friend, she’s only the first.” He said, putting the clip board down on a table that was beside the one Twilight was on. “You and your friends think you’re so special but we are all just chop liver.” Twilight look confused.

“Starlight, is that you?” Twilight asked. The masked pony slam down on the table.

“There are other ponies who can get angry about that, you know.” Puzzler shouted. “Besides, she goes on a rampage through time and all she had to do was apologize to get back in every pony good graces.”

“Not every pony.” Twilight mutter. “I still get letters complain that I should have kill her.”

“In any case, you and your friends have be causing me so much trouble. Now to deal out your punishment.” Puzzler walk over to a large panel that was filled with switches and buttons. “You see, I realize what my problem is. I need to do some testing before your friends can really suffer. So today you are help me find out the best way to inflict pain. We are going to go through the ABC’s of animals attack.”

“Wait, you are going to use animals?” Twilight said, her eyes widening. “Are you insane!?!”

“Yes but that doesn’t matter.” Puzzler said. “Now, let start with A.” She flip a switch and Twilight look above her to see one of the giant vent starting to move. She heard something moving and the vent open up. “Time to feel a hundred bites.” Twilight shut her eyes and awaited for the pain to come. She kept her eyes close for a good minute but all she felt was a bit itchy. She open to see that she was cover by tiny brown ants. The Puzzler was laughing madly and completely ignoring that the ants were doing absolutely nothing to her. Twilight clear her throat and the Puzzler stop and look down.

“Why are you not screaming in pain?” He asked.

“You do realize that these are the most harmless ants, right?” Twilight said, blowing some stray ants that crawl near her nose. “Besides, our fur is too thick for most stingers to get through.”

“You said most stingers.” Puzzler point out, hitting another switch. Twilight look to see a pot starting to tip over. It was filled with some golden liquid and Twilight close her eyes again as it was pour all over her. She realize it was sticky and lick some off her face, realizing it was honey. “This honey is straight from the hive. I hope they don’t mine!” The Puzzler hit a button and Twilight heard an angry buzz as another vent open. She watch a swarm came out and started heading for the two.

What the Puzzler didn’t know was due to the honey being straight from the bees’ hive, they mistake Twilight for being the hive…and that the Puzzler was threating it. With amazing speed, the swarm went straight for him. Before he even knew what was happening, he was under attack from the angry swarm. Twilight watch as he ran back and forth from the swarm.

“They are in my eyes!!!” He shouted, running to a cabinet that was in the back of the room. He pull out a spray can and started spraying it under his mask. This seem to be a mistake because he scream in pain. “What!?! Bee poison is pony poison!?!” He started rubbing under the mask, not allowing Twilight to see his face. He was still spraying around himself until the swarm was gone.

“Sooooo,” Twilight started asking. “Do you really have an animal for every letter?

* * *

“Come on, you’re supposed to be poisonous!!!” Puzzler shouted, poking the platypus as it just lay next to the Twilight. Twilight was just impress by how many type of animals that this Puzzler have. She also found it funny how many times it back fire. From the bees swarm to an octopus latching onto his face. Right now, his cloak was ripped and torn in several place and the mask was cover in all kind of animal fur and bug guts.

“How did you get these animals anyway?” Twilight asked as he continue to poke the platypus.

“For you information, Fluttershy doesn’t have a monopoly on the animals. Look long enough and you can find all the wild animals you need. But they are all worthless!!!” He shouted and gave another hard jab at the animal. It growl and jump right at Puzzler, at which point he let out a yelp of panic as it started attacking him. Twilight sighed, knowing that there still half the alphabet left.

* * *

“Alright, this does it.” Puzzler said, throwing a small rodent to the side.

“That was a mongoose, so shouldn’t you still have to pull out an animal that starts with y?” Twilight pointed out.

“It was a Yellow Belly Mongoose.” Puzzler growled. “Now I ran out of animals. Should we try from the top?”

“You know, watching you fail given me time to think.” Twilight said. “Like for example, did you know that spells only work if you concentrate hard enough? Or that runes only work if you get them bless by a unicorn?” Puzzler stop moving when she said this.

“No. You’re lying!” He shouted. Twilight smiled.

“Let’s find out.” She said and cast a teleport spell, blinking out of sight. Puzzler ran around looking for his target. He heard a chuckle and look up to only see darkness.

“So, what are you going to do!?!” He shouted, grabbing a knife from a table. “You going to turn me in or try convert me as one of your friends?”

“You haven’t hurt any pony yet.” Twilight voice called out form what seem every corner of the room. “But you do need to be taught a lesson. I think this will do.” Several light flash and the Puzzler was confuse until he heard a low growl. He turn to see all the animal that he subdue had regain conscious and were rearing to attack. “You should hurry. They are really angry for being mistreated.”

About five mile away and half hour later, two guards were eating a couple of apples when the ground started to shake.

“What in the world?” One guard asked before he saw a pony in a mask dash right by him. Before he could register what happen, a horde of animals stampede after the pony.

“Hey, wasn’t that the crazy pony that keeps failing at killing ponies being chase by a group of animals?” The other guard said.

“Yeah, but I got a crazier question.” The first guard said, pointing at the ground. “Why is a sloth following the horde?” The two guards look down to see a small sloth slowly crawling on the dirt road. They watch for a few minutes before the other guard raised his hoof in the air.

“Go little buddy!” He shouted. “I believe in you.”

Muffin Diary. Entry three.

I HATE ANIMALS. The way they could hunt for hours, how they move and the fact that they seem to hold a grudge. I manage to lose them after being chase for what felt like hours. I swear, Twilight gave them an energy boast just to annoy me. New lesson, never recruit animals from the wild. Now I must treat some of my wounds and soak in an ice bath.