Red and Black 2

The full moon hung over Canterlot as Ember and Rekka trotted through its streets, the former still lugging Patient with her good tentacles and the latter suppressing snickers as the tentacle in Patient's mouth shifted to pop right out and then clamp around his muzzle. As if that could shut him up once he got the taste of ramen out of his mouth.

"You wanna know what I really fuckin' hate? Ziggers," Patient hollered, his voice a little less slurred. As he was dragged down another street, a family of about four zebras paused on the opposite walkway to stare incredulously at him and the tentacle monster hauling him away.

Rekka turned to the zebra family and piped up, "He's drunk; pay him no mind! I hear he's always like this when he takes a shot too many!" The zebras nodded to him and continued on their way, as he went to continue dogging after Ember and the still-rambling Patient.

"I wonder what your toothy folds taste like if your tentacles give me a dose of ramen," Patient piped up, causing Ember to halt with his utterance. She turned to look at him with a slack jaw and widening eyes.

"Wh-what?" Ember stammered, her face turning a light pink as she processed Patient's partially-nonsensical statement. Rekka facehoofed and broke out laughing, and he did nothing to mask it whatsoever.

"I-I'm sorry, but th-the way h-h-he-heaaaa…" At that point, Rekka could not utter something coherent; his laughter had evolved to include shrill notes more likely to come from a whistle than his mouth.

“Because I know that Colgate’s asshole tastes minty, so I was just wonderin’...” Patient slurred a tiny bit. That only caused Rekka to drop to the ground and start pounding at the cobblestone with three of his hooves, his fourth still resting on his head as his cackling only grew louder.

“I mean hell, I wouldn’t mind looking at your spiny dick while I see what your vagina dentata tastes like; it’s not gay if it’s a feminine penis—” Patient was quickly silenced by a hoof pushed into his mouth. The tentacle on his muzzle then retracted, shifting to hover behind his head.

"You don't wanna know," Ember replied before Patient felt a sharp stinging pain as the tentacle rushed to meet with the back of his head. Within seconds, the world went black for him.

*********

Patient awoke an indeterminate expanse of time later, and the first thing that registered to him was a headache he was certain had been the size of the Neighgara Falls. The second was that he could see vivid yellow, despite his eyes remaining closed. The third was the feeling of sheets around and under him, only stopping below his chin.

Patient’s brain was in stupendous agony as he attempted to shift in his bed, only to find a hoof starting to caress his fetlock, which caused him to stop moving. His pain amplified a bit when he heard the meow of a cat, and his ears pinned back.

“Nokori. Anata wa osoroshī to kanjinakereba narimasen,” an unfamiliar voice spoke to Patient; while pleasant sounding, it still tore through his brain like a buzz-saw.

It took him a moment to open his eyes, though he had to squint them as bright colors immediately assaulted his vision. There was a pinkish-purple splotch hovering above him with faint traces of red and blue. Another meow cut through the air, and he noticed an orange splotch off to the side. Both forms were, he could only presume, looking at him intently.

The hoof on his fetlock continued to caress him.

Patient could only grit his teeth and tightly shut his eyes. “Frrrrck…” he gritted out quietly through his teeth. “I need water.”

"Hai," the soothing voice replied. The hoof that was touching him retracted slowly, followed by the sound of hoofsteps hitting a floor that sounded like… tile? Patient wasn't sure. And now that he thought about it, he could've sworn the voice answering him was feminine.

His eyes opened again, and he grimaced as he found an expansive guest room with predominantly lilac hues. The walls were a modest purple, while the dressers and nightstand and the bedframe were mahogany instead. The sheets were plush and silken, soft yet thick. He turned to the foot of the bed to find an orange tabby staring at him. The cat waded up to him, sat on his barrel, and leaned over to lick him on the snout.

“Stop eating my boogers, cat,” Patient quietly spoke, but did nothing to stop the cat from licking him. He stared at the cat and noticed a collar, with a marker reading 'Phobos' on it.

"Fobosu, koto ni kite," the purple form beckoned. Phobos turned around and jumped off the bed before waddling over to the form that beckoned him, and Patient followed the cat with his eyes to see…

"P-Patchouli?" Patient stammered, his eyes widening.

Patchouli turned to Patient and nodded, her horn glowing with a soft light. Next to her, hovering in a dimmed lavender aura, was a glass of ice water. She trotted to him and set it on a nightstand next to his bed, flashing him a small grin in the process. She did look better, save for still-countable ribs that stubbornly jutted out along her stomach.

Without a second thought, Patient snatched the glass and downed the water and closed his eyes again. “Thanks... um." He coughed before finishing, "Arigatō.” With that, he set the glass down again, only to watch in amazement as purple magic hovered over it before spilling water into it, filling it yet again.

Patchouli mutely nodded and grasped Patient with her magic, slowly making him sit up since he wasn't so keen on doing that himself. She picked up the glass of water again and held it to his lips, and he eagerly started drinking the chilled liquid once more. As he drank, Phobos jumped up on the bed again and meowed, though whether to be fed or given attention, Patient couldn't guess. The water did an incredible job of soothing his throat and ebbing his headache a little.

His eyes turned to the door as a creak echoed into the room, just in time to see it open and for somepony to step inside. Standing in the frame was a smugly-grinning Rekka. "I see the zigger-lover is up," he chirped, sounding like he was about to break out laughing again. Behind him, Patient noticed, was another red form with a blond top he couldn't make out too well.

"C'mon, really?" another masculine voice, one Patient could recognize, scoffed from behind Rekka. "And I thought Charlotte getting drunk was enough of a problem!"

"You should've seen Nursey-Colt last night, Jonathan," Rekka snarked before the two turned around and trotted away from the door, bickering about who was the worse pony when drunk as they went.

Patient finished drinking his water and sighed as the glass was pulled away from his lips. He racked his brain, trying to remember what the hell happened last night, but all that came to him was being served by a Yakyani bartender after the nigh-disastrous session at the Royal Court. The rest was a blank; in fact, trying to remember made his head hurt worse.

Wait. Patient turned to the door and did a double-take as his brain fully switched on. Jonathan was present? Now that he thought about it, he could still hear that crippled pegasus arguing with Rekka. Slowly, he shifted out of bed, almost faceplanting because his legs buckled the first chance they got. The only saving grace was Patchouli helping him straighten his posture with her magic.

He turned to the door, but paused as uproarious laughter echoed in from outside. It… sounded like Rekka and Jonathan were both guffawing now. But about what still eluded him. Slowly, he trotted to the door, with Patchouli following him to keep him steady. Soon, they found themselves in a long hallway, lined with a plush carpet of silver hues that had doors lined on either side. Next to one of the doors, seemingly loitering, was Tenmei.

Patient cantered to Tenmei, who flashed him a tired smile. "Sut wyt ti?”

”How are you?”

Tenmei lifted a hoof and yawned into it before dropping it and smacking his lips. He stared at Patient, who only now noticed slight bags hanging just beneath his round-rimmed glasses… that he also noticed were a little on the lopsided state of things.

Patient nodded and asked, "Dywedwch wrthyf ... mae Jonathan a'i ffrindiau yma?”

”Tell me, are Jonathan and his friends here?”

Tenmei nodded in reply, pausing briefly to lift a hoof and rub at his eyes with it. Now seeing that he was playing quiet mouse, Patient followed up with, "Beth mae'r uffern wnes i neithiwr?”

What the hell did I do last night?”

Tenmei dropped his hoof again and shrugged. "Roeddwn yn cysgu. Nad oedd unrhyw ffordd i mi wybod beth wnaethoch chi."

"I was sleeping. There was no way for me to know what you did."

At that, Patient groaned. He nodded and turned to trudge his way down the hall, and Patchouli followed him every step of the way. It seemed to stretch for a good few yards; or at least, that's how he felt. The sluggish pace he was going at didn't really help matters, either, nor did his still-present headache.

He looked up to scan the ceiling as he trudged onward, spotting several stars painted on a dark landscape. He became transfixed in the ceiling's rather artistic taste of decor. In doing so, he forgot to watch the hallway—but reality was more than happy to remind him to keep his gaze forward when he ran barrel-first into a door that opened a good four seconds before he collided with it.

It took Patient a few seconds to register that there was a door, that he was leaning against it, and that there was a knob at his throat before he peeled himself off of it. He fell to his haunches and turned to the door as muffled hoofsteps filled his ears. His brow raised when Koto stepped into the hall and twisted to look at him, and he frowned when he saw her horn was without bandages, revealing a nasty crack that ran from the base to the tip.

Yet, despite that, she was… grinning? Patient shook his head and did a double-take. Yep. That smile lingered, alright. His eyes did not deceive him.

“The hell’re you smilin’ about?” he asked, trying to form a grin of his own.

Koto tilted her head, and her grin only widened. Now that Patient thought about it, something was glimmering in her eyes clear as day. The smirk twitched knowingly. His brain then re-registered the fact that, barring taking Winglish language courses, she couldn't tell him whatever was making her evidently amused to save her life.

So Patient tried again, "Could you take me to Rekka, please?"

“... Hai…?” Koto spoke through her smirk. Then she turned and started to trot down the hall. Patient got up and followed after her, and he noticed a very subtle spring in her step, though it took him a few seconds to process that through his still-persistent headache.

Behind Patient, Patchouli giggled. Lovely. That meant she probably knew about whatever it was that made Koto giddy. But he sighed in resignation; no use trying to squeeze information out of ponies who didn't speak his language. It was better to find the local translator-colt, wherever in hell he'd gone off to.

*********

"H-he did what?!" Jonathan yelled with a wide grin, sitting on a couch in an ornate living room with Rekka at his side. He'd tried to muffle still-growing laughs with a hoof, but alas it was a wasted effort.

“Yeah, he went full racist last night.” Rekka tried to hold back a bit more chuckles himself, but sadly they escaped his mouth anyway. He stood up on his back legs and waved his forelegs dramatically, and relayed Patient's words in a high-pitched falsetto, "When I become President, I'm gonna build a wall around Equestria and make Yakyakistan pay for it! Best part is, the bartender was a Yak, so that just made it so much better.”

Jonathan dropped his hoof and threw his head back, now outright cackling to the point tears threatened to leak from his eyes. "Oh-oh lord! Wh-what next?!" he shrieked, starting to stomp his back hooves against the floor as he continued to laugh.

“He slapped Ember’s ass a couple of times with his tail and talked about eating her out.” Rekka's grin merely widened. That caused Jonathan to lurch forward with a choke and eyes threatening to bug out.

"Y-you serious? Th-the Beholder?" Jonathan stammered, looking like he'd swallowed a lemon and it got lodged in his windpipe on its way down.

Rekka slowly nodded. "Yep. That's not even getting into what he did after he woke up from a temporary knock-out. That's just the tip of the iceberg." His smile grew a little more. "He got into the bar in this manor and drunk himself silly, and when I came to check on him, he thought I was a girl!"

Jonathan snickered. "Well, from behind, you kinda look like a mare… your long tail would be a perfect copycat of a mare's, especially if you undid that ribbon holding a good chunk of it up so it doesn't drag along the ground," he pointed out. Still, he was smiling, and leaned a little forward. "So… what'd he do after that?"

“He tried getting on my back. I just decided to side-step every time he reared up, if only to make him think I was playing hard-to-get. Not my fault he couldn't even walk straight," Rekka snorted. He watched as Jonathan's cheeks puffed in another attempt to hold in baying laughter. "And even if he could get on my back, there's a thing called whiskey dick. He wouldn't have gotten hard if he legitimately tried."

"But wait, there's more." Rekka suppressed a snicker, and his smile widened until it threatened to go Cheshire. "Trigger trotted in on the scene, and stood for a few seconds just to let it soak in. Once it clicked, he tried to get Patient to mount him, only to be pushed away by Patient who said, 'sorry friendo-dendo, I only like girls.’”

That almost caused Jonathan to choke again, and he stomped a back hoof to help him breathe. "Th-then what?" he stammered.

"Well, Trigger pointed at me and told Patient point-blank that I was a dude." Rekka donned a look of mock-horror, complete with front hooves flying to his gaping mouth. In another falsetto he cried, "'I what?!'" He dropped back down to all fours and added, “'Oh fuck. Well, I mean I don’t mind traps at all, really; there was this one cute tranny filly I dated in high school…'”

Jonathan tossed his head back again, once more cackling. Rekka waited for him to calm down again before speaking again. “And this is where he fuckin’ just goes off the goddamned rails. ‘It’s not gay if it’s a feminine penis’, he said. This fuckin’ guy just said that shit like he'd spent all his time with traps, and nothing but.”

"And then, he stumbled off with a limp-as-hell dick and found one of our guest rooms." Jonathan ceased laughing and leaned forward again, leveling an amused look at Rekka that betrayed a twitching eye.

"Whose guest room?" Jonathan asked.

"Charlotte's… after she got smashed and botched a spell. That's not even the worst of it." Rekka continued to grin, almost as if his face was now stuck that way. "And I found it to be of a similar vein to what happened to Ember."

Jonathan raised a brow, eye still twitching. "And?" he pressed.

"Well… Patient found out she became a trap… and somehow was so shitfaced she had him pinned in seconds. I broke them apart before she could make him her bitch, and after that he passed out," Rekka finished. "And on that note, I think we should get her checked out by Celestia later, to see if the trap-spell can be reversed."

Jonathan nodded and leaned back again. "I honestly wouldn't her with something extra, just as long as she doesn't try pegging anypony," he stated, his ears twitching as the sound of hoofsteps echoed into the room. His head slowly turned to a nearby hallway, from which emerged Koto, Patient, and Patchouli. "I was wondering when the devil would appear, and it looks like the wait's over."

Koto and Patchouli parted from Patient, allowing him to stare at Rekka. "What were you two on about?" Patient grumbled with a grimace. "My headache was so bad I didn't catch anything."

“We were just talking about what you were doing last night,” Jonathan explained through a toothy smile that held back a laugh.

“... What did I do last night?” Patient asked.

“Where do we begin…" Rekka took in a deep breath, "Well, you tried to fuck Ember, you tried to mount me, you called a zebra family the 'Z' word, you told a Yak that Yakyakistan was gonna pay for a wall between them and Equestria, and you just went and said the most off the wall shit possible within the span of two hours.”

Patient simply nodded. “Okay…?”

"That's not even the worst of it." At that, Patient's brow rose, and he silently looked at Rekka for an explanation. "You tried your luck with Charlotte of all ponies, but she had you pinned on your back despite being as smashed as you were. Oh, and she botched a spell so bad she basically gave herself a dick and balls."

“So what you’re sayin’ is…” Patient began in a Manehattan accent. “I’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do to Colgate when I get home?”

Rekka's grin widened fractionally. "Nope," he answered tersely. He lifted a hoof and pointed it at Jonathan when Patient sighed in relief. "You gotta explain some shit to him, since you hit on his fillyfriend."

“...I was drunk?” Patient turned his gaze to Jonathan. “I mean, that’s a pretty good excuse; and you know that I wouldn’t put my hooves on her otherwise.”

Jonathan's grin widened as well. "If I wasn't crippled right now, I'd have smacked you across this damn manor. I'll let it slide… this once." His eyes glinted with a malicious spark. "But, when you go to apologize to Charlotte, let her show off her new assets I've heard about. And once you do that, if she really does have something extra, march her right up to Celestia and ask her if it can be reversed. I dare you."

“Don’t talk down to me.” Patient donned a scowl. “I’m not a foal; I know what I did was wrong, and I was going to apologize anyways.”

"Koto, could you tell Shining Armor about all of this for me?" Rekka chirped, causing Patient's face to become bright red with anger from his utterance. "Because it seems to me we have a case of insubordination."

“Insubordinat—Jonathan isn’t ranked higher than me. And I’m technically classed as a mercenary, last I checked," Patient growled. “I take my orders from Shining Armor, not any other military personnel ranked lower than him, since I’m under his direct employ.”

"Even mercs have ranks. That system was implemented the moment Asgard was nuked," Rekka retorted, his horn glowing. In a flash, a sheet of paper appeared and levitated its way over to Patient. "Read the list, from the top down."

“What are you even talking about? What are the ranks even based on?” Patient asked as he began reading the list.

"Based on skill, magic power, teamwork, and number of confirmed alicorn kills." Rekka managed a chuckle. "Regardless of civilized status, at that. Nopony's ranked higher than another due to simply being a noble; that'd be biased as fuck."

Patient scanned the list; the whole Valkyrie Brigade was at the top, with a number of about a good few millions' worth of alicorns. That, he could understand, with what the Brigade being a very well-equipped, and highly trained army on speed. Given the fact it had gryphons and changelings, Lance seemed like an opportunistic employer, second only to Shiny-Biny.

At the bottom of the list, amusingly enough, was Patchouli. She'd only had an estimated hundred or so kills; that he could also get behind, as Asgard was more or less swept out before its nuking. Second-lowest was a filly by the name of... Diamond Tiara?

“Diamond Tiara? Ain’t that the one kid Rarity’s sister doesn’t like?” Patient asked.

Rekka nodded. "Yep. She flies solo. And she's only an earth pony. She can't exactly catch her kills faster," he stated. "Said something about keeping Silver Spoon in the dark when she was recruited only a few months ago."

Patient nodded, seeing the logic behind Diamond's name being on the list. Next up was a dozen or so other mercenary groups or mercs going solo with emotive names, with their kill count ranging from the hundreds to the early thousands. His group, the Surgeons, totaled barely a thousand or so kills, with Foxfire truddling along after his group with a good nine hundred kills. That was including Ember in the group. Barely above that was the Task Force, easily themselves topped by the Castle Destroyers. Some part of him were wondering how they racked so many kills.

“...huh…” Patient blanched upon reading the kill counts, which were somewhere in the early two-thousands, and turned to Rekka again. "Doesn’t that activate the almonds.”

"So now you see what I mean when I say you could be reported for insubordination," Rekka stated, studying the look on Patient's face. "But of course, you could catch up; the Destroyers are on temporary leave anyhow."

“I still ain’t takin’ no fuckin’ orders from you." Patient scowled again, his face turning even more red.

Hoofsteps echoed into the room, and only stopped right behind Patient. “I think I know something that may help you change your mind,” a familiar voice that Patient could swear belonged to Shining Armor spoke up suddenly. "And yes, Rekka already briefed me on everything."

Patient turned around, finding himself face to face with his—damn it all, he was grinning too!—employer. “And what would that be?”

“I can pay for a certain somepony to visit you.” Shining Armor held a letter addressed to him from Ponyville via magic.

Patient knew exactly who he was talking about. “Ah...well in that case.” He turned to Jonathan and Rekka. “I’m cool with getting orders from y’all, just don’t be super shitty and authoritative about it, else I might be an ‘insubordinate’ again.”

"We'll let it slide this time," Rekka chimed in with a snicker.