Ch.1 A Drunk Prank?

“Ouch.” Such a simple statement to describe the world of hurt that I was feeling right now. My spine feels like someone did a damn dance on top of it. Most people would probably say the same after falling 10 feet to land on their back. “So what the fuck just happened,” I thought as I regained my senses. I looked around and saw a plethora of unknown flora all around me. “Well this definitely isn’t that nightclub…. I think….. Jesus how many shots did I have tonight?” I said out loud.

‘Not enough!’ screamed my inner drunk.

“Shush you” I said out loud to no one in particular. Oh I know! I’ll just replay what I did last in the last couple of minutes in my head and then I’ll quickly be able to figure out where I am. I probably just stumbled outside for second….. Into a forest…… yeah no, that logic doesn’t really make sense. “Uhhhhhh OH I can divine my location from the stars! Fuck yeah astronomy.” I looked up into the sky and promptly fell backwards onto my ass. “Fucking uneven ass forest ground.” I mumbled. I tried to get up again and just fell backwards completely onto my back.

Whatever. Star gazing should be done comfortably anyways. I gazed up at the stars in the sky trying to identify a constellation that I might remember. Which currently wasn’t much considering my inebriated condition.

‘Look those stars are making a tit constellation!’

Drunk me had in fact identified a constellation that looked remarkably like a solid pair of tits. “Nice find drunk me, but that doesn’t help us figure out where we are.” How about the big dipper that’s pretty obvious right? I looked up into the sky, which was partially obscured by trees, and tried to discern the location of the big dipper. I tried to identify star patterns for a few more seconds later, but quickly gave up.

Man I really shouldn’t have gone out tonight. If I’d have known that this was gonna happen i’d have just stayed home and played video games or something. Unfortunately one of my friends was very insistent that I come play wingman to help give him a chance with a girl he’d been pining over forever. And being the awesome friend that I am I decided to help him out.

‘You also wanted to get laid!’ Inner drunk happily reminded me.

Quite you. That was the secondary objective. Let’s just remember that the reason I went was to be a good friend. Also fuck this waiting around noise. I guess I’ll just start walking in a direction and see what happens. Waaaaaait a minute, I’ve seen this story before. They always say that if you get lost in a forest or something you’re just supposed to stay where you are. “HA! Nice try forest! I’ve seen through your trickery.” I yelled triumphantly. The forest being a forest and all did not respond to my boasts. Unfortunately after a couple minutes of sitting around I decided that sitting in place was extremely boring. Well maybe if I just explore my nearby area nothing bad will happen.

Having decided on my course of action I stood up, held up my foot, and faltered. Even drunk I realized that I should probably make a marking or something to help me find my way back to camp. Hmmmmm well it’s dark as shit and I don’t know how marking a tree will help me find this place again. “Oh shit! I just remembered! The North Star!” If one thing is always relatively in the same place it’s the north star. I can just follow that back here! I’ll just go in the north stars direction for a bit and then come right back.

‘Solid plan bro. No way that could backfire. Guess that’s why you’re usually in charge.’ Inner drunk said complimenting me.

“Oh you,” I said blushing at my own thoughts like a madman. I then spread my stance and looked up into the sky again. I wobbled a little bit but didn’t fall over this time. Hmmmmmm, well that star looks mighty bright and while it may not be the north star it’s at least something….. Good enough for me. Might as well head that direction. If I had waited for a little longer I might have realized that the north star missing from the sky was definitely a huge problem.

I started haphazardly walking along through the trees and underbrush of the forest. I probably should have cared that I was making so much noise in an unknown forest at night but in my current state I didn’t really care. As I walked a little further I had a sudden revelation. “Oh man this is just a prank!” I looked around myself wildly trying to find my friends who I was sure were in the bushes fucking with me. “Hahahahahahahahah you stupid assholes! I was really scared there for a second!”

“GRRRRRrrrrrrrr…..” Ok that’s not a sound that I’m used to. Usually I hear bugs making their normal chirping or perhaps a rabbit hopping around in the underbrush. Hearing something lowly growly definitely got my adrenaline pumping higher than normal.

“Ha Ha guys. Come out now. I super scared, come on you guys…..” Nothing.

I figured they’d at least giggle quietly at a level they believed I couldn’t here, but all I heard in response to my pleading was “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,” much MUCH closer to me than before.

“FUCK,” I yelled as I started to realize this probably wasn’t prank. That sounded way too close to a guttural noise a beast would make for human to emulate it. Acting with a drunken thought process I threw silence and caution to the wind as I ran forward towards the supposed north star that I had decided on earlier. As I began running through the dense underbrush in-between the thickly placed trees I heard a loud sound that chilled me to my bones, “crunch... crunch… crunch… Crunch...”

Using experience and subconscious instinct I stopped, dropped, and rolled to the left. As I did so I saw a beast of legends fly closely by the area that my body had recently occupied. “Impossible….” I whispered as I regained my balance. Now in front of me was a very Very pissed off looking beast that, insane as it sounds, resembled a manticore from the yarns that I was spun as a child. “WHAT THE FUCK,” I yelled in panic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty logical and down to earth guy in almost any scenario, but when a deadly looking mythical creature looks down at you like they want to eat you, you loose a bit of your common resolve.

Now I’ve definitely seen some scary shit before in my life, but this thing…. this thing was on another fucking level. I’m a decently muscular guy, I’m about 6 foot 3, and I exercise regularly. So normally I’m not intimidated by much. But this manticore was about twice my height horizontally and vertically, with massive claws, huge fangs, and a FUCKING VENOMOUS SCORPION TAIL. Oh and let's not forget that it has massive wings, because it definitely wasn’t already dangerous enough.

Unfortunately while I frozen in place processing this living terror before me the beast took a step forward and growled right in my face.

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

As I said before I’m usually a pretty calm guy in most scenarios and with the adrenaline flowing through my system some of my higher reasoning had come back to me. It was unfortunately not enough as my inner drunk came out again.

‘Hit it right in its fucking face! You can take this overgrown cat!’

“Hell yeah! You’re going down!” I then reached up and bitch slapped the manticore right across it’s massive nose while yelling, “BAD KITTY!”

You ever have one of those moments when you make an impulse move and then pretty much instantly regret it? Yeah that was right now. The manticore shook its head in confusion almost as if it couldn’t believe something had just slapped it. This didn’t last long as it’s face contorted into a very livid glare. “Uhhhhhhh sorry?” I said to the Manticore.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Was all I got back from the Manticore. I wish I could say that I handled it’s war cry like a champ, but I didn’t. My scream hit a high pitch I didn’t even know I was capable of reaching.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I ran as fast as I possibly could in the opposite direction of the Manticore. Apparently my loud screech had somehow briefly stunned the Manticore. I quickly glanced back and saw the manticore shake its head seemingly in an effort to get the high pitched squeal out of it’s ears. Sadly all good things must come to an end as the manticore realized that it’s late night snack was fleeing and decided to give chase. Hearing the beastly demon give chase I sped up my retreat. I dodged my way around trees and hopped over small bushes stumbling all the while. Unfortunately after a couple of minutes of this mad dashing I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to outrun this large monster. “Shit I really *puff* need to figure out *pant* how to get this guy *puff* to fuck off.” I breathlessly said.

Right as I was about to begin planning my escape from said dangerous pursuer I happened to trip on a rather dense root and unfortunately landed in a large prickly bush. “FUCK,” I yelled as I landed. A rather sharp pain could be felt across most of my front. I quickly started to extricate myself from the grasps of the bush as I heard the manticore closing in on my current position. In a moment of clarity I realized that this was as good a time as any to elude my pursuer and I sunk back down in the bush, despite the scrapes it was producing across my skin. Luckily the manticore didn’t seem to notice my presence or the slightly flattened bush as it rapidly ran past my current hiding spot with an angry and hungry look on it’s face.

I watched as the massive manticore flew past me and listened as it got further and further away from my hiding spot. After a good minute of hiding I could no longer hear the hungry manticore. Smartly I decided to wait an extra minute or two, just in case the manticore realized its mistake and decided to backtrack. Decided that I had waited long enough I bolstered my resolve. Wincing slightly I stood up from the bush and looked around. I could see that the manticore had made a rather easily identifiable path that continued on past my bush. “So this probably isn’t a drunk prank…..” I whispered out loud.

I need to find a way out of this forest and figure out where the hell I am. Looking up again I saw my false north star and decided that I might as well keep following it. As I brushed the excess leaves and debris from my body I felt something warm on my hands. Looking down I recognized the site of blood on my hands. I saw it had come from some tears in my shirt. Being drunk and tired I just put it down as the byproduct of the trees and bushes scraping me when I had ran past them.

Having completely forgotten that staying in place when lost was safer than moving I started a tired trudge towards my fake north star. After stumbling along my path for a good half hour, grumbling about my general tired demeanor, I noticed that the trees had started to thin. Looking around I also noticed that the underbrush was beginning to lessen a considerable degree. “Shit looks like i’m finally nearing the exit,” I happily said. After another couple minutes of walking on I finally saw it, the edge of the forest. “Fucking finally. All I want to do is get back to my apartment, take a shower, and fall asleep.”

Unfortunately as I crossed the forests threshold I didn’t see a road or any sign of civilization as i’d hoped. Looking around wildly I tried to find some hint that might tell me where I currently was. Sadly I didn’t notice anything that might help my plight. I sighed, “now what…., wait holy shit my phone!” I realized that i’d been trying to drunkenly find my way out of this forest with stars when I could easily have just used my phones GPS to tell me where I was. “HAHAHA,” I laughed in relief. “God bless modern technology!” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked it for a hopefully full signal.

The first thing I noticed were the zero bars of connectivity for internet connection, cell towers, and gps signal. “DAMN YOU VERIZON, DAMN YOUUUUUU!,” I yelled angrily. “Largest 4g network my ass. There goes that plan.” I looked up into the sky on more time. “Well, looks like you’re my GPS now fake north star. Don’t let me down now buddy.” Sighing heavily, once again, I decided to keep following my newly appointed GPS as it was leading the opposite direction of the forest I had just escaped. After determinately walking along for a few minutes I happen to notice a slightly worn path.

“OH SWEET JESUS, CIVILIZATION!” With newfound vigor in my step I jogged towards the worn path. Upon reaching the path I decided that it didn't matter which way I went along the path as either way would most likely lead me to humans. I randomly picked left and started walking. Less than a minute later, before I could get into a steady walking rhythm, I noticed a small structure at the edge of my sight.

Believing this to be a house I picked up my pace and started a drunken jog towards the structure. Closing in on the structure, which I now recognized as a small cottage, I suddenly froze mid stride and slammed into the ground face first. I raised my head in panic and looked back at what had caught my attention. Right to the left of the cottage was a fucking massive bear. Focusing on the bear I noticed it’s back rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Realizing that it was asleep I slightly relaxed. Giving the bear a once over I realized that fully extended this thing was probably at least one and half times my size. I really wanted to go knock on that door but inner drunk spoke up.

‘Fuck that shit. Let’s Solid Snake the hell on outta here.’

Sounds good to me. With this decision made I slowly turned my body around and sneakily crawled away. After a getting a good twenty yards or so away from the slumbering beast I realized that I badly needed to find a place to rest soon. After all of the adrenaline of being chased by a manticore had left me it hit me that I was still pretty drunk, sweaty, and on top of that exhausted from running. I stood up and continued walking back down the path.

Thankfully as I was beginning to curse my bad luck I saw some type of fruit tree in the distance. Welcoming any distraction from my sad state I walked towards the fruit tree. As I got closer I realized that their were rows and rows of similar trees behind it. “Neat, an apple orchard”, I said out loud. Using simple observations it was easy to see this orchard was maintained and thriving. Even drunk I logically deduced that if there was a prosperous orchard in front of me then there was almost certainly a person living nearby. This meant at the very least another house I could try finding help at. Hopefully one with a distinct lack of bears this time.

Seeing that the dirt path I had been following flowed along the outskirts of the apple orchard I decided to keep following it, in the hopes that it would lead me to it’s keeper's residence. As I walked I started to notice that not all the apples trees I was passing by were the same. I wouldn’t call myself an apple aficionado but as apples were my favorite fruit I knew about a good chunk of them. “Gala, Braeburns, Golden Delicious,” I rambled off as I walked past each type of apple, “Granny Smith, Macintosh, Fuji……”

I suddenly stopped walking as I saw an apple i’d never seen before. It was a very dark grey shriveled looking apple. At first I thought it was just an apple that went bad, but looking closer I realized that their were trees and trees of the same shriveled looking apple. “What in the hell….” I kind of wanted to go see what the heck was the deal with those wierd apples. Inner drunk decided that it was tired of thinking about weird sickly looking apples.

‘Naw son fuck that. I’m tired as all hell.’

I agreed, obviously, so I just got back to walking the way I had been going before. Walking a couple more yards I saw something that brightened up my, so far, really shitty night. “Hell yeah Kiku’s!”

Out of all the apples I like to eat Kiku’s were by far the tastiest of the bunch. As I had never eaten a fresh Kiku apple, before I even realized what I was doing I had already picked a tasty looking apple from the tree and took a bite. “Uuuuuhhhhhhhh,” I moaned like a cat in heat. “This is the tastiest damn apple I’ve ever had”. Taking another couple of bites I hastily finished off the delicious fruit. However as nice as that apple was I realized that it hadn’t been mine and that I kind of felt guilty for taking it. However inner drunk didn’t really give a shit about property ownership at the moment and decided that taking two more apples was a solid plan. After grabbing the fruit I got back on the dirt path.

After walking for a few minutes I finished off my two amazing apples and started to question if this orchard was endless. “This is the biggest damn orchard i’ve ever seen. I’m so tired I’m seriously considering crawling under one of these trees and sleeping there. Maybe I should just tu-,” I started before something caught my attention. The distraction was a large red and white structure at the edge of my vision. “Is… is that a barn?” Picking up my pace I quickly recognized the easily identifiable large white front doors and farming equipment lying outside the structure.

I quickened my pace once I had confirmed that the building off in the distance was in fact a barn. Finally I stood directly in front of the large doors I had seen from afar. In my inebriated state I rudely decided to forgo any knocking and instead just pushed the doors open and walked in. Even with the doors open I couldn’t really see very far into the dark barn. While the moon was out, it wasn’t especially bright on this night and thus didn’t provide any real assistance at the moment.

Thankfully I remembered that I had downloaded an app on my phone that let me use my camera's flash as a flashlight. Pulling my phone out and using this app I was able to identify a few common pieces of farming equipment such as a plow and shovels. However what drew my focus was a ladder in the back leading to a second floor with bales of hay lying about. Recognizing that my body was about at it’s limit for the night I quickly said, “good enough for me,” and started to head in the direction of the ladder.

After reaching the ladder and haphazardly climbing to the second floor I realized that there were more hay bails than I had previously thought. Scanning the collection of hay bails I just so happened to see a few grouped together that it appeared someone had fashioned into a crude impromptu bed. Happy with this fortunate turn of events I walked towards the impromptu bed and flopped down upon it to determine if my eyes had been correct.

Almost as soon as I hit the hay I realized this bed was far comfier than I initially believed. “Good lord whoever made this bed *yawn* really knows their shit,” I sleepily said as my eyes began to droop. As much as I wished I knew where I was I also understood when my body sent me obvious signs that exhaustion was about to take over. Nestling into my temporary hay bed I closed my eyes and decided that finding out my location was future me’s problems. With this last worry taken care of I cleared my mind and drifted off into a blissfully drunk sleep.

Author's Note

Please forgive any formatting errors for now. As I mentioned I'm new and as such the google doc import process probably creates some strange formatting errors I will miss at first. Thank you.