The life and times of Lafayette Ryder (Sex & violence)

Author's note: This is important to the main plot so you should read it. This chapter is in with the sex & violence side stories because of the excessive use of adult terms. If you don't read this chapter you won't miss out on anything much that won't be explained later in the main story. Enjoy!

“So where is this place at Twi?” I ask my wife as we drive away from the library.

“I don’t have the address memorized!” she shouts defensively. “It’s not like I’ve actually been there before, I just, uh, have heard about it.”

“So where is it?”

“Corner of Mane and Saddle Street, take a left here and a right in three blocks.” Twi whispers ashamedly.

“Mane and Saddle it is.” I say with a snicker.

I notice the roads get rougher and bumpier as we near the store, I also notice the large neon X’s on the storefront.

“Plotholes,” I read another sigh aloud, “serving Ponyville fine literature, husbandry aids, plot devices, and essential accessories since 69 B.N.M.” I turn to Twi as we exit the car. “What’s B.N.M. mean?”

“It means before Nightmare Moon.” Luna quietly answers me and I leave it at that.

We walk up to the door which swings open before I can even grab it.

“Hello and welcome to Plotholes!” a wrinkled, brown mule greets us. “Might I see some identification before-” the mule stops when he sees Luna behind me. “Your majesty, what an honor it is to have you here, please come in!”

“Thank you kind sir,” Luna trots up and smiles at the ass, “I assure you my friends here are all of age and may join me in your establishment.”

“Certainly, your highness.” the donkey bows and holds the door for us all, as Twi and I enter he stops us for a second. “Miss Sparkle, your new books are in!” the mule and I both smile; his is kind and warm while mine is cruel and trollish, as Twilight blushes and quietly thanks him.

“Never been here before eh?” I whisper to Twi as we walk in.

“Shut up!” she retorts quietly and I laugh.

My evil laughter is quenched by the sight before me’ as far as the eye can see, er, all the way to each of four white walls lie shelf upon shelf of latex, faux leather, and plastic toys and devices, a wooden magazine stands houses dozens of small paperback books, and a counter holds the ‘new arrivals’.

“Holy shit!” a voice behind be swears. I turn around to find Fish standing in the doorway sweating and out of breath. “You guys ditched me so I followed your asses here, this is an impressive collection.” He says between wheezes and gasps for air.

“Thank you,” the mule says from his spot behind the counter, “if any of you folks need me just holler, my names Shirley by the way.” I look at Shirley who I had previously thought to be a man and blink a few times. Adams apple, pearl necklace, male build, makeup, broad shoulders, long, curly blond hair, male… parts…eh, what the fuck, it’s none of my business anyway. I turn back to the shelves and look at the toys on them; dildos of every description and a few I couldn’t describe if I tried, fake vags modeled after a mare’s ass, gags, crops, kinky outfits, fake unicorn horns, and…

“Luna,” I ask the closest pony to me, “what the fuck is this?”

“I have no idea.” She tells me before walking off with Dulcie to look at another aisle.

“That,” Shirley informs me, “is a horn shaver, some unicorns find that very…pleasurable I guess, personally I can’t see the appeal.”

“Wut? It looks like a pencil sharp- oh God!” I put the item down and try to push horrible, painful thoughts out of my mind. “Do you know what that could be used for?!?” I ask Shirley as I look away from the device. He/she just smiles and goes back to reading a book.

I walk away from that shelf and to the next row where I find my daughter and her marefriend looking for the right size of crotchless panties. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to come here after all.

I stroll over next to Fish who is examining an array of solo gratification tools.

“How would that even work?” he mutters wile staring intensely at a silicone device shaped like a cactus combined with a hockey stick. I realize how it could be used and shudder in fear as I walk back to the front.

I see Twilight whispering to Shirley and exchanging a small bag of bits for a black sack of cheesy romance novels. I sneak up behind her and grab a couple from the bag.

“Daring Doo and the tentacle monster, My mistress the Griffin, and, oh I love this one, The pirates who raided my booty!” I laugh and hand the books back to a very mad and blushing Twilight. “Oh babe you have got to let me read these sometime!” I laugh until I snort as I silently read off a few a few more titles.

“Wait,” Twilight asks cautiously, “you aren’t mad that I read these?”

“Mad? Mad! These are awesome! The only thing I’m at all mad about is the fact that I haven’t gotten to read any of these yet!” we both laugh at the stupidity of both the novels and twilights paranoia but something on the new arrivals table catches my eye and breaks my concentration. “I’ll be right back Twi.” I say to my wife as I walk over to the card table to inspect something closer.

I stare at a marvel of engineering and ingenuity for a moment that seems to last a lifetime, I gingerly pick it up and smile. Fish, Twilight, and Dulcie are next to me now looking at it as well.

“Do any of you know what this is?” I ask.

“A dildo?” Dulcie offers.

“No,”

“A really big Dildo?” Twi tries.

“Still no,”

“A REALLY FUCKING HUGE DILDO?” Luna shouts in her royal Canterlot voice.

“CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR!” I yell back.

“Dude,” Fish chuckles, “that’s the Penetrator from Saint’s Row!”

“Yep,” I agree, “the lethality of a baseball bat and the absurdity of a sex toy… this is beautiful! I’m getting this!”

“What?” Twilight asks. “Wait, no, no, no, no! NO! I am not using that!” she refuses repeatedly. While Dulcie facepalms next to her.

“It’s not for you.” I tell her.

“I’m not using it on you either!!” Twi exclaims making Dulcie weep a bit and Fish gag.

“Oh that’s nasty man!” he says.

“It’s not for me either!” I inform them all.

“Then what is it for?” Luna asks as she walks over.

“This-” I tell her as I take a step back and swing the four foot purple penis. It hits Fish in the side and knocks him on his ass.

“Jesus H. CHRIST!” he proclaims as he collides with the floor.

“THAT,” I point at my incapacitated friend, “is what the Penetrator is for! From now on whenever I ride into battle I shall use this as my weapon!” I hold the half limp, larger than life phallus above my head and cheer. Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to those watching me, Fish stands again and acquires a weapon himself, I only become aware of this new threat when a long set of heavy Ben Wa balls on a metal chain whips out and hits my stomach. I feel the air leave my lungs as I collapse on the ground right next to where Fish so recently lie. I roll out of the tangled sex toy and grab a fake plot from a nearby stand. I chuck the synthetic genitalia and hit my target; the plastic pussy slams straight into fish’s face and brings him back into a shelf of self satisfaction supplies (Pinkie Pie proudly promotes my amazing alliteration and all its awesomeness). I rise to my feet and point the Penetrator at him threateningly.

“What are ya gonna do now…punk.”

“This!” he grabs a handful of dildos and slings them at me. I dive behind a bin of vibrators and start to throw ball gags and butt plugs at him. Before you could even say ‘Dildo war in the sex store’ just that has begun. Dulcie and Luna join in from their aisle and toss leather panties, lace thongs, and, oddly enough, checkered boxers onto Fish and I as we pelt each other with every toy we can reach. After ten minutes of unending assaults from both sides Fish reaches around and sends a steel pecker flying towards me. the heavy metal dick slams into my face and chips a tooth.

“That’s it motherfucker! You’re getting it now!” I charge with the Penetrator in one hand and my fist in another fake plot. Fish evades my lunge and escapes out the door and into the night with nothing but some anal beads wrapped around his arm and a riding crop. I give chase and flee the wrecked store to pursue my prey. Lights turn on and ponies shout insults as I run through the streets of Ponyville in the middle of the night while waving a giant dildo and screaming at the top of my lungs. Before long a squadron of guards and a horny old lady, who looks suspiciously like Mayor Mare, are chasing me.

<><><><><>

Back at Plotholes a horribly embarrassed Twilight Sparkle Ryder apologizes to a terrified Shirley Donkey after assuring him/her that the maniacs who trashed his/her shop were gone and that he/she could come out from whatever the fuck pronoun’s hiding place beneath the counter. Princess Luna apologizes to the shell shocked donkey and offers a large sum of bits to pay for the damages to the store. With that and a curt goodbye the two mares and one girl flee the wreckage of the porn shop and head home.

“At least I got some cute panties tonight.” Dulcie tries to look on the Brightside.

“And I got my books.” Twilight holds up a sack of now slightly torn books with her magic and smiles halfheartedly.

“And I got to watch two grown, human men beat each other up with sex toys!” Luna shouts happily. “Oh how jealous Molly will be when she hears!” the giggling princess squees in delight as the three women head to the Ponyville police department where Lafayette and Fish are sure to soon be.

“So how ’bout them Cards?” Dulcie asks her companions as they walk back into downtown Ponyville.

<><><><><>

I wake up the next morning handcuffed to both Fish and a bed in the Ponyville jail. I look at my sleepy friend and he looks at me.

“So how ’bout them Cards?” I ask as we wait for Twilight to come bail us out.