A Human Arrives

The minotaur guardian was huge. That is to say, it had black fur, was extremely muscular, wore nothing but a jockstrap and was about ten feet tall, embarrassing the human's inferior six feet height immediately and establishing predator-prey dominance.

The minotaur walked through the door, reached out a large hand, and plucked the human up from the ground by the front of his Naruto tee-shirt.

"Aw, no! No!" the human screamed, immediately flailing and whacking the minotaur guardian's log of an arm with his baton.

Now, looking a minotaur guardian dead in the eyes is an unpleasant experience for many. This is because that if you are a mammal, looking one such guardian in the eyes without magical protection is guaranteed to cause you to urinate, become completely paralyzed, and stop breathing. If you're a reptile looking the minotaur guardian in the eyes, your tail falls off. And supposedly, if you're a reptile whose tail has already fallen off, your head explodes. In sum, it can absolutely ruin one's first impression of minotaurs. They're actually quite polite.

Sombra decided to step in. First, he zoomed to the human and casted a small magic barrier onto him, more than strong enough to repel the minotaur guardian's gaze.

The human still peed his pants, though.

Next, Sombra floated above the minotaur guardian, who was now punching the human repeatedly in the face, and began leaking purple liquid onto its head. The minotaur guardian looked up, distracted. Once the punching stopped, the human saw through his right eye—the other was swollen shut—a fat slice of hope and survival. He swung his baton as low as he could, towards the minotaur guardian's jockstrap. It struck true with a powerful, wet thud, and the minotaur immediately dropped the human and fell backwards. Its head whipped against the cave floor, and the ground shook. Immediately, blood began leaking onto the stone. The minotaur guardian didn't get up.

Sombra wiggled with surprise.

"Perfect! Testicles are the weakness of any male! You are a fast thinker, my hairless chimpanzee friend!"

"T-that thing was huge! What's going on? What the hell did you get me into!?" the human screamed, contracting his baton and backing away from the minotaur guardian on the ground. "I don't want any part, of-of any of this! Take me home, this is insane!" he continued, while Sombra just floated quietly through the door and into the next room, which was a large stone chamber with a smaller, more crystalized room in the center. "There's giant beefed-up cow-men, and magic clouds, and doors—Just take me home, now!" the human finished, jogging after Sombra and glaring at him.

"Geez. You just beat a giant minotaur guardian, man," Sombra replied, turning to the human. "Have some pride, they're like, two times stronger than regular minotaurs. Plus, don't you want the club?"

"Why would I want a damned club?" the human said.

"Well. . . it's magical," Sombra replied, as if it was the obvious answer. The human's glare turned into the frown of someone extremely deep in thought.

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Soon they were in the small crystal room in the center of the larger room, bashing ideas against one another about what to do next. Their predicament was a large white crystal claw protruding from a pedestal in the center of the room. In its grasp was an oversized, cartoon-like club with a haunting red glow. It was stuck, tight.

"Well," the human said tiredly, taking out his handy-dandy notebook from his pocket. "We've tried pulling the club out, pushing the club out, asking nicely, demanding rudely, screaming, waiting, gently stroking the claw, trying to pry the claw open, and hitting the claw with my baton," the human said, going down the list. "All the while, there's no hint of any puzzles or riddles in this room."

"I know, I know," Sombra growled, floating in tight, angry circles. "I can remember my way around this dump, but I have no idea what we're supposed to do here. If only it was a black crystal claw, then I'd be able to open it. Something's missing, I can feel it.

"Well, the last time you were here, the minotaur was in the room, right?" the human asked. Sombra twitched, then flew to the edge of the room. The minotaur's walking path was made clear by a strip of pale, scratched-up stone all the away around the perimeter of the room. Sombra lowered himself and examined the floor closely. He noticed a small edge separating the minotaur's walkway with the rest of the room.

"Wow. You're smart, and I'm not even joking around this time. The minotaur's walking path is one large pressure plate," Sombra said, before floating back to the door they came in through. "You'll have to drag his body back in here, though, because I'm just a cloud."

"Fine, but that thing better be dead, and not just unconscious," the human said, jogging back through the door. He returned with the minotaur in tow, and set it on the edge.

"So, it's dead?"

"I think so, but I hit it ten times in the head with my baton to be sure."

"Nice," Sombra replied, chuckling before floating back to the crystal room. The human followed, cleaning his baton with his shirt.

The crystal room was different now. Three tiny, ghostly crystal ponies were now on the pedestal with the claw and club. Each was about the size of a human fist. One was shivering, one was standing proudly, and one was angry. The human glanced at Sombra. "Does this ring any bells for you?" he asked the dark cloud. Sombra hovered in the air for a moment, then spoke.

"Yes. You have to assist them, I think," Sombra replied, floating above the small, shivering pony. Thoughts circled in the human's head, before he finally settled on one. He took a small handkerchief from his pocket and draped it over the shivering pony. It curled up in the handkerchief, smiled, and disappeared with a poof of glitter.

The handkerchief disappeared too.

"What the fuck? I need that back, you bitch!" the human yelled, eliciting a sigh from Sombra.

"Don't worry about it, just on to the next one. We can't stay here too long," Sombra said, glowing dully. The human nodded slowly, before turning to look at the proud little pony. It was sticking out its chest and neck arrogantly, and extending a pair of large wings. The human extended his pointer finger, placed it on the pony's head, and pushed it down to a normal level. The pony frowned in a rather cute manner, then disappeared in a puff of sparkles, leaving one pony left. This pony was angry, and sported a long horn on its head.

"What's with these ugly ass horse things, anyways?" the human inquired. Sombra floated smugly.

"They're ponies, and you're going to topple their society once we're done here. But that can wait. Help the angry little pony, there."

"Er—I mean, alright," the human said, facing the irritated ghost pony. "Can you calm down, please?" the human asked as nicely as he could. A small ghost spell flew into the human's nose, exploding with crystals and sparkles.

"Ow!" the human yelled, jumping back. "It hit me with something!"

"Yeah, I saw it, it was pretty funny. Now cheer the little pony up already," Sombra drawled, causing the human to shoot him a sharp glance before turning back to the task at hand. The pony was still very mad. The human went for a different approach, and lifted a finger to poke the pony. Before he could make contact, the pony dipped its head and stabbed his finger with its horn.

"FUCK!"

The human flailed wildy, before slamming an angry fist down onto the ghostly unicorn, who squeaked in pain before disappearing. Sombra's cloud twitched violently.

"You fool! You're not supposed to—"

The claw opened, and the club fell down onto the pedestal. Sombra floated closer.

"What? But, you smashed the pony!"

"Maybe it's a life lesson," the human suggested, sucking his bleeding fingertip. "Like, you can't please everyone—"

"Shut up. Just pick up the club, and go through the door across from the one we came through," Sombra said. "Trust me, you're gonna love this. The human complied, picking up the club. It was heavy. So heavy, in fact, that it had to be dragged along the cave floor, rather than lifted.

"What the hell is this thing made of?" the human asked. Sombra glowed as he responded.

"It's made of hickory hardwood, and it has an enchantment that multiplies force in whatever direction you want to swing it in. Without that enchantment on your weapon, these ponies will bounce right back from physical attacks. They can survive damned anvils falling on their heads, these things," Sombra explained. The human nodded in understanding (although he didn't understand), then dragged the club all the way to the next door. The plaque on this door read, Sombra's Stash.

"We're here! My goodness, I feel so giddy," Sombra whispered. "Go on, open it! I want to go through this moment together!"

Taking a deep breath, the human opened the door and walked in.