The fight didn't last very long. Twilight rained a storm of magical projectiles and complex spells down onto the human, who proceeded to dodge every single one. The situation was akin to a rather devious, athletic adult crashing a first grade dodgeball game and mocking the stupid children with his vast superiority.

Twilight finally sagged to the ground, her magic depleted.

"Aw, is that it?" the human said. Twilight shot him a deathly look.

"No. That's not it, you—"

Twilight was interrupted by the human's club slamming into her windpipe. Twilight flew back, spinning and bleeding, and crashed through Applejack's demolished stall to land on top of Bon Bon's body.

"Precision, everybody," the human said, taking a deep breath and lifting his chin. "It's important," he finished, a small smile on his face.

Of course, all of the ponies were now nestled deep in their hastily reinforced homes, scared to even look outside. The human was left with nobody to talk to again. With a blank look on his face, the human contemplated the events leading to this point. The day had started normally. He had been in his tiny overtaxed house—on Earth—and had eaten a nice breakfast of orange juice, eggs and toast. Then, he had settled down to do some relaxing online shopping. In fact, today had been a perfectly normal, completely average Saturday.

. : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : .

That was, until his phone rang.

The human picked it up because he did not want to be rude. Plus, nobody ever called him.

"H-hello, there?" the human stuttered into his little blue house phone.

"Crystaaals. . ." a deep, raspy voice said through the phone. The human's arm twitched nervously.

"Who is t-this?" the human tried to sound demanding and confident, but he came off as more of a hermaphroditic lemur. There was silence for a long while, before the voice spoke.

"It's King Sombra," King Sombra said.

"I don't know what that means, and you're kind of scaring me. I'm gonna hang up—"

"Don't hang up you dumb monkey! I have a proposition for you!"

"I don't want your propane! And don't you call me a dumb monkey! I'm screening this call you asshole, I will sue you!" the human shouted. King Sombra was silent for two minutes.

"Sorry about the. . .crystals thing," he finally whispered. "I get a little excited, sometimes."

"Y-yeah, I know what you mean. I can't talk to girls, and I'm a huge nerd for my Japanese animes. I have a collection of Lucky Star figures, if you wanna c—"

"Alright then!" Sombra interrupted quickly. The human heard a deep, stressed sigh over the phone. "Listen pal, I just need you to walk out your front door. And that's all I need you to do for now. Can you do that for me?"

"Well, yeah, sure," The human replied. He was genuinely curious now, as the situation involved his house and property.

"Great. Do that. You can hang up now," Sombra whispered.

"Okay. I'm gonna hang up, then I'm gonna walk out my front door."

"That's all good. You go ahead and do that," Sombra said.

"Alright, bye."

"Bye."

The human hung up, then stood up from his armchair and walked to the front door. Without a moment's hesitation, he opened it and briskly strode into someplace that was definitely not his front yard. Shadows and ice surrounded him, and glowing crystals of every possible color grew on the rocky walls. He was in a cave of some sort, he realized, and it was very spacious.

The human turned to leave, but his front door was gone. In its place was a small cloud of darkness, radiating with purple light.

"Hello, my primate friend! It is I, King Sombra!" Sombra said, glowing as his voice rang out.

"Why are you a cloud?" The human asked.

"I just am, okay? I was defeated some time ago, and this is my weaker form. Now, are you gonna help me or not?"

"Sure. This is already the most interesting day of my life."

"Good, then listen. There's a reason we're in this cave. I have a stash of magical gear in here that you can use. I know how to get in, and I'm gonna get you in as well," Sombra said, floating closer to the human. "Then, we're gonna go out and beat all of our enemies up. Well, all of my enemies. All of your enemies are probably still back on Earth."

"Woah, we're not on Earth anymore?"

"No, and thank goodness. Now, are you prepared?"

"I suppose, but can I ask you some questions?"

"Yeah, but you might wanna wait. You're not safe in these caves unless you're constantly moving."

"Alright, I'm prepared, then," the human replied slowly, although he certainly wasn't prepared. The human was confused, scared, and didn't have the slightest idea if he was going insane or not. But still, a surging sense of adventure tugged him along stronger than ever before.

Sombra nodded. Well, as much as a floating black cloud can nod, at least.

"Then, follow me," Sombra said, before floating off further into the cave. The human followed Sombra's faint glow at a jog, flinching every time he heard a noise and keeping a hand on his telescopic baton. He was the definition of scared bitch. As they moved, Sombra delved into a conversation about Equestria and his plans for world domination, and complained about how long it took for him to learn a "Teleephone Spell". The conversation was mostly one sided, as the human jogged on quietly.

The cave split into two, and Sombra went to the left. The human followed. The left passageway then split into four, and Sombra went to the far right. The cave split into eight after that, and continued splitting, always with two times as more splits as the last. Sombra didn't even appear to think or reach through his memory as he navigated the ever-complicating cavern system. The human found himself out of breath most of the time, heaving and holding his knees. And of course, kind Sombra waited for him, offering moral support through cloudspeak and light precipitation.

"You can do it, primate! Just a few more splits, then we're to the door!" Sombra yelled.

"F-fuck off!" the human screamed between breaths, jogging sluggishly after Sombra's cloud. By this point they were at 4096 separate splits, and it took longer to choose a path than to travel through one. The human continued slowly, coughing and retching. Sombra floated above him and began dribbling a dark purple liquid.

"This will help you breathe!" Sombra yelled, spraying more liquid onto the human's head.

"Oh god, what the fuck is this!?" the human screamed furiously, slapping the liquid off of him and running blindly in circles. "It smells like my high school math tutor! What's your fucking problem, dude!?" the human continued, angrily pointing at Sombra, who muttered an apology and continued floating through the cave. The human ranted on a while longer about personal space and how much he hated silly string as a kid. There was a long period of awkward walking after that, until Sombra turned a sudden corner, and they faced a large mahogany door. The door was lined with gold on the edges, and a plaque on the door read The Club.

"We are here!" Sombra exclaimed happily, his cloud swirling in a small, excited tornado.

"W-we're going to a club?" the human asked, reading the nameplate on the door. "I don't like social interaction much, it makes me queasy," he started, but Sombra was having none of it.

"Just be quiet and trust me," Sombra whispered, phasing through the door and then phasing back to the human. "Okay, so, there's a minotaur guardian in that room, and we need something in that room. You're gonna have to sneak past him, get the club, then sneak to the next room.

"Now, the door across from this one is the door to the next room. The other doors are all fake, got it?" Sombra said, turning to the human.

"Yes, sir!" the human shouted, saluting comically before giving in to a fit of chuckles.

"Hilarious. Now, the minotaur guard is gonna be walking the perimeter of the room. Just stay out of his sight. I'm gonna be in there with you to help get the club, which is in the center of the room. There's some sort of riddle or puzzle, if my memory serves," Sombra said, his cloud glowing a bit less for the purpose of stealth. "I ask again, are you prepared?"

"I think so," the human replied, his voice squeaky.

"Very well," Sombra said mirthfully, his cloud floating in front of the door. "Let us get down to business."

The human flashed a nervous smile in response, then approached the door. He placed a shaky hand on the knob. It stayed there for a long moment.

"Come on, just do it!" Sombra cheered, floating energetically. The human found a sliver of confidence, and turned the knob before pulling the door open quickly. The wooden door moved, its hinges squeaking loudly. It then slammed into the rock wall with a noisy thunk.

"Oh, no. That was way too loud," Sombra commented. The human turned and shot Sombra an incredulous look.

"You were literally just shouting, like, really damn loud!"

"Yeah, but you're the only person who can hear it. It's magical shouting, you ape."

"Wha—"

"No time for arguing, you alerted the minotaur!" Sombra magically shouted. The human turned back towards the door and looked up.

Lo and behold, there was the minotaur.

Author's Note

we're doing it