Tourette's Guy Goes to Equestria

Danny groggily descended down the stairs of Sugarcube Corner early in the morning after being almost literally dragged out of bed by his new landlord, Pinkie Pie (Sort of). After the pink mare had pleaded him to stay with her at this bakery the previous day, Pinkie had soon enough lead Danny back to her workplace before introducing him to the Corner's owners, Mr and Mrs Cake who were at first rather skeptical upon letting a creature from another world, let alone a human staying at their house and bakery but soon warmed up to the idea after being convinced by Pinkie when she told them how he came to Ponyville and that he enjoyed the welcoming party she had prepared for him.

"Goooood morning, Danny!" Pinkie greeted the human just as he set foot into the kitchen. Danny walked over to the counter and saw a box of cereal standing upright with the words, 'TOTAL' written in large red letters.

What nobody or even Danny realised was that just as he was engulfed by the toaster's binding light that took him to Equestria back on his planet, some of the human items and merchandise nearby had been caught in the light due to it having a radius further from where Danny was standing before he found himself in Applejack's pig pen. Most of the items included the very same box of Total on the kitchen counter, a plastic container filled with a red powder and labelled with the words 'Kool-Aid' with the picture of an anthropomorphic jug of red juice, a case of the same beer that Danny gave to Twilight, a tall box of milk-like drink called 'Egg-Nog' and a discarded empty box of fish sticks. While Danny had landed in Sweet Apple Acres, the other stuff had landed in random locations and they probably wouldn't have been found if Rainbow Dash came across one if them and enlisted the help of Twilight to find any more discarded objects which was minutes after Danny and Pinkie left the library to Sugarcube Corner where they soon returned these valuable to said location while Twilight took a full bottle from the beer case to have it analysed from any brewery she could find in either Ponyville or Canterlot.

"So Danny, what's for breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day! Oh, and so is lunch! And dinner! Oh, and don't forget midnight snacks!" Pinkie asked the human who pointed at the box of Total.

"There's some cereal right here." Pinkie looked at the box before cocking an eyebrow.

"Total? I'm not sure. It doesn't sound like a cereal! It doesn't even sound like something you eat and that's what Rarity said to me when I tried to eat a golf ba--!"

"DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT 'TOTAL'!" Danny turned and snapped at Pinkie who flinched back a little before grabbing the box and tipping it's contents into a bowl while giving a nervous smile and giggle. She poured the milk and scooped up some of the cereal which consisted of grain wheat flakes and spooned it into her mouth. She chewed on the flakes while making a concentrated face upon trying to taste the cereal but was both surprised and confused to not find any flavour to it whatsoever, it was pretty bland and tasteless. Either way, Pinkie gulped down the mixture of chewed cereal and milk before wiping the excess milk from her muzzle with a forehoof, she grabbed the box and read the front out loud.

"General Mills, Whole Grain Total. Excellent Source of Calcium. Contains Folic Acid."

Pinkie flipped the box around to look at the contents, her eyes widened when they fell upon the bodily intakes.

"No sugar?!" No wonder the cereal tasted so bland. Being that it was made to be a healthy cereal, it lacked any trace of fattening contents such as sugar and saturates. Danny on the other hand had already left the kitchen and had swallowed the last drop of Egg-Nog before tossing it onto the floor as some missed drops leaked out from the open top.

With breakfast out of the way, Pinkie and Danny prepared their work status in order to be ready for the visit of several customers. Danny and Pinkie were back in the kitchen, baking some treats for sale. Pinkie chimed to Danny for assistance.

"Hey Danny, can you get me the vanilla extract from that cabinet over there please?" Pinkie pointed a hoof at a low cabinet which Danny walked over to and opened the door while trying to look for the extract while Pinkie Pie engaged in conversation with said human.

"So Danny, what do you think of Mr Cake?" Pinkie asked.

"Fuck him! He's an ass! Go touch his dick!" Danny fell for the Tourette's effect again, leading him to insult the stallion in question. Pinkie just stared at Danny with a confused expression before deciding to change the subject a little.

"Soooo... What do you think about Mrs Cake, then?"

"I wouldn't fuck her with your own dick!" Pinkie Pie smiled nervously at Danny, knowing only what 'Fuck' meant thanks to Twilight and Rarity. She had no idea what 'dick' or 'ass' meant but chose not to bring it up with the possibility of knowing they could be bad words aswell.

Pinkie walked over to the fridge only to find an empty space on one of the door shelves.

"Danny, wasn't there some Egg-Nog here before?" Pinkie asked the human.

"Your cake boss bitch's the one that dicks with the Egg-Nog, not me!" Danny retorted, Pinkie turned to see the empty carton along with a small puddle of the leftover nog.

"Then... what's that white stuff on the floor?" Pinkie asked curiously.

"That's my ass!"

After several minutes of more talking, Danny found the vanilla extract and handed it over to Pinkie who spilled a few drops into the mixing bowl before stirring with the wooden spoon. Later, she dolloped the mix into the crevices of a cupcake tray and pushed it into the oven for the mix to bake.

"While we wait for the yummy cupcakes, why don't you serve the customers, Danny?" Pinkie asked, Danny walked over to the front counter and awaited for Sugarcube Corner's first customer of the day. After several minutes, a grey furred Pegasus with a blonde mane and tail walked in. One of her eyes looking straight at the counter while the other was facing the opposite direction, it was none other than Ponyville's mail mare, Derpy Hooves.

"Hi! What muffins have you got on sale today?" Derpy greeted Danny who only kept his stoic expression.

"Men's Asses." Was Danny's only response, Derpy cocked her eyebrow at the random remark before chiming up again.

"Do you have any muffins?" Derpy asked sincerely, Danny was starting to get irritated from the wall-eyed mares persistence and decided to show her how he was really feeling right now.

"Does this look like the ass of someone who knows if we have any muffins?" Danny questioned before immediately turning his back to Derpy, bending over and pulling his shorts down, his fat Taco Bell ass in plain sight for Derpy to see. Instead of being disgusted however, she looked at Danny's butt before putting a hoof to her chin.

"You don't have a Cutie Mark?" Pinkie jumped right into the scene before Danny could answer and greeted the Pegasus.

"Hiya Derpy! Your daily dose of muffins, today?" Derpy nodded with a smile.

The two mares exchanged a few words before Pinkie placed a muffin in a paper bag and giving it to Derpy who gave her some coins as payment, Danny piped up upon seeing the coins after Derpy left with the bag in her mouth.

"How many dollars is that?" Danny asked, making Pinkie giggle.

"Dollars? Ponyville's currency is 'bits', ya sily filly!" Just then, a DING! could be heard from the kitchen.

"Oh, I think the cupcakes are ready!" Pinkie bounced over to the oven before pulling the lid open.

"You get the tray, Danny." Pinkie instructed, Danny grabbed the cupcake tray and immediately dropped it when the searing hot metal made contact with the hands, scattering the cupcakes onto the floor in the process.

"OH BOB SAGET!!! Danny yelled out loud.