Salt, Anger, And Booze

Salt, Anger, And Booze.
Part 1: Salt Meets Equestria

By: Major Frostwing

My name is Jon. I am a foul mouthed, angry, salty mother fucker. Sitting pretty at 6' 2" at a decent 195 lbs. Some would think twice about starting shit with me. But not the snaggle toothed fuck stick. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's talk about how I arrived at the most brightly colored annoyance of a place known as Equestria. ROLL THE FUCKING INTRO!

It was a standard day for me. Sit in front of my computer surf YouTube and chat with my buddies on Skype. I was in a relatively good mood that day.

"DON'T FUCKING ARGUE WITH ME WILL, YOU PIECE OF TRASH! I WILL SKULL FUCK YOUR CORPSE!"

... This is me in a good mood...

"Jesus Salt calm down all I am saying is that you can't keep grenade diving every single thing we come across in game." Will said as I let out an annoyed huff.

My nickname with this group is Salt. Mostly because of my anger.

"Listen Will I don't fucking care as long as you keep healing me I can do whatever I want." I said taking a hit off of my cigarette.

"Salt we all get it. You barely take any damage from the grenade but it's a one way ticket to killing your character." My buddy Tromb said with an eye roll.

"It is a legitimate tactic. Plus None of us were putting a dent in that fucking Brotherhood of Steel Knight. I killed him with two grenade dives." I argued with anger creeping into my voice.

The game we are talking about is our Fallout Tabletop game. We play on Sundays.

"Fine whatever Salt do whatever you want just don't expect me to heal you." Will said before hoping off the call.

"Whatever Will fuck you." I muttered as I hung up the call leaning back in my chair looking at my ceiling. I was about to throw my headphones off of my head when I got a skype call. I groaned before answering the call. "Who the fuck is this?" I asked with annoyance laced all through my question.

"Are you the one known as Salt?" I cocked at an eyebrow at the question.

"Fuck you who is this anyway?" I demanded.

"Oh no one important just someone who wants to see what that anger does to a peaceful little kingdom."

"Oh I don't know. It probably comes and kicks your dick in with the force of a thousand imploding suns." I said with a cocky grin taking a hit off of my cigarette.

"Now now keep that anger for later for now. Let's see how you handle this little situation." My screen flashed a bright white as I felt myself being pulled out of my seat I tried to grab something to stop myself but I couldn't grab anything worth noting...

Fucking bullshit if you ask me but fuck that.

I landed with a solid thud on my back knocking all of the air out of my lungs in the process. I took a breath coughing as I rolled onto my side. I looked up to see 7 pairs of eyes locked onto me but their forms are what caught my attention. They were like people clothed and everything but they had fur covering their bodies. They looked like horse humans or something like that. I got to my feet letting out a few coughs as I rolled my shoulders.

"That is not the giant burning behemoth I meant to summon... Oh well it will have to do for now. CREATURE I COMMAND YOU TO DESTROY THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!" I looked over at the one that was yelling at me with a cocked eyebrow before a sparking caught my eye. I looked over my shoulder to see what remained of my desk and worst of all my computer. I slowly turned walking over to it eyes wide in disbelief.

"No..." I whispered as I dropped down looking at the damage to my computer. "No no no no no... of fuck..." I picked up my tower seeing it was damaged beyond all repair. "MY RESEARCH! MY WORK! IT'S ALL GONE!" I yelled to the heavens as I slammed my fists on the cold stone floor. "DAMN YOU GOD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!" I yelled as I looked over and saw a liquid pouring out from under my desk I slowly lifted my desk revealing many broke bottle of alcohol. "FUCK NOT MY ALCOHOL TOO! DAMN YOU AGAIN GOD YOU FUCK SHITTING BITCH FU-"

"CREATURE I GAVE YOU A COMMAND! I SUMMONED YOU SO OBEY ME!" I lowered my fists grabbing hold of my tower setting it up straight before standing up.

"You were the one who brought me here?" I asked as I kept my back to her. "Then I need to kill you." I said as I fully turned around my eye burned with hatred. "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" I roared picking up my desk with one hand throwing it right at her. The woman didn't have time to even register the thrown desk as it hit her in the chest breaking on impact. I took off in a sprint seizing her by the throat as I lifted her up into the air. "YEARS! IT TOOK ME YEARS TO COMPILE ALL OF THAT RESEARCH!" I used all of my strength to slam her into the ground. I felt the stone under my feet shake from the force. "I LOST EVERYTHING! YOU TOOK ALL OF IT AWAY!" I used both of my hands to lift her up before slamming her back down on the ground.

"YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO OBEY ME!" The horse woman said as I lifted her once again.

"FUCKING DIE!" I bellowed into her face as I pulled my fist back blasting her in the face before lashing out on her with a straight kick. She stumbled back falling to the ground holding a hand over her stomach. I tightened my fists when I felt a burning sensation in my right hand. I looked down to see a black liquid being absorbed into my skin. I shook my fist out ignoring it. I glanced up to see a bolt of energy flying at me.

I raised my arms crossing them over my face as I felt the impact. I lowered my arms to only feel a light sting in them. "WHY DO YOU NOT OBEY!?" The horse woman asked as I cocked a smile.

"You don't own me ya fucking whore. Now let's pull out all the stops and drop into high gear." I said as my smile became wild and crazed. I raised my fists jumping forward feeling a weird surge of power in my right arm. I blasted the horse woman in the face to a small shock-wave and satisfying crack. She rocked back from the blow slamming into a large stone throne on the other side of the room. "COME ON BITCH I'M NOT EVEN PISSED OFF YET!" I yelled with a laugh. only to see a blast of energy hit me in the chest throwing me backwards. I slid to a stop under the other six horse women in the room.

"FINE I WILL DESTROY THE ELEMENTS MYSELF AND THEN DEAL WITH YOU!" She moved her arm to aim at the other six when a large beam of rainbow slammed into her engulfing her completely. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" She bellowed as she let out a scream before falling to the ground looking completely different. I laughed up until I felt a boot land on my face.

"We did it girls!" One of them cheered as she jumped on my chest.

"I knew we could take her." Another one said stepping onto me.

"Good job girls I couldn't have done it without you all. I felt another foot connect with my body. I had enough I am not a carpet.

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" I yelled as I pushed them off of me before kicking myself up to my feet. "AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE SALT IN THE WORLD WHO THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU!? WHERE THE FUCK AM I AND JESUS FUCK TITTIES WHAT IS GOING ON!?" I asked as they all looked at me with looks of fear, repulsion, and curiosity.

"Um Twilight what is that thing?" A rainbow haired girl asked the purple one.

"It is a brute whatever it is." A purple haired white skinned horse woman said with a hmph.

"I think he looks cool." A pink one said as she got in my face. My eye twitched as I seized her by the face shoving her backwards knocking her over.

"Fucking back off ya bitch boundaries are a damn thing." I said feeling my salt levels rise.

"HEY! You can't just shove my friends however you like!" The rainbow haired one yelled getting in my face. I scowled as I leaned my head back.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled head butting her as hard as I could knocking her to the ground. "I can do whatever the fuck I want." I put my hands in my pockets before walking over to my computer kneeling down to it. "Now where was I before I was interrupted... oh yes now I remember." I dropped to my knees raising my fists into the air. "-YOU BITCH FUCKING ASS MUNCH BASTARD OF THE UNIVERSE I HOPE YOU ARE CURSED WITH DEATH AND TORTURE FOR THE PAIN YOU HAVE MADE ME ENDURE!" I bellowed as I let out a ragged sigh. "Alright now I am good." I said as I kicked over my computer tower. "Guess I'll have to start over from scratch... fucking joy." I muttered as I walked back to the girls. I saw them get ready for a fight.

"Stop or we will fight you." The purple one said as I stopped right in front of her towering over her as I glared down at her.

"Be still My little ponies. I'm sure we can rectify this situation without any need for violence." I removed my glare from the Purple one looking in the corner of my eye to see A white one walking forward she was about as tall as me. With a pair of white wings on her back and a stupid looking horn on her forehead. "What can we do to aid you creature?" It asked as I rolled my eyes at her.

"Listen ya twat unless you can repair years worth of research and get me a pack of smokes I suggest fucking off." I said locking eyes with her.

"Normally people who talk like that to royalty have their tongues cut from their head." She said as she fixed me with a glare. "But I am trying to be civil so I suggest you do the same."

"I don't think you can order me around. The last one that did I beat the fuck out of. So you are welcome to try and fuck with me." I tightened my fist only to feel pain arc up my arm making me wince I looked down at my right arm to see dark purple lightning arc around my arm. "What the fuck is this? THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME!?" I demanded taking hold of the white horse woman lifting her up by her clothes.

"I did no such thing creature this is all because you fought Nightmare Moon. Your anger gave the parasite a catalyst to latch onto. It will feed off of that rage and will corrupt you." The white horse woman said taking hold of both of my arms pulling them off of her as she landed on the ground without any trouble. "That rage will consume you." She said calmly adjusting her clothes.

"Like I fucking care. As long as I get to beat face then I don't care. Not like any of you little shits could tame my anger anyway." I said pulling my fist back only to be straight kicked in the chest by the white horse woman.

"My name is Princess Celestia Ruler of Equestria raiser of the SUN! If you think you could even harm me then you underestimate me." I let out a growl as I got to my feet holding my chest feeling only a dull throb echo in my chest. "Now if you are done Let us talk civilly so I can figure out if we can send you back you vile creature." Celestia said as I let out another growl glaring at her with a scowl.

"Fine you fucking bitch. Let's have a nice long chat about how you are going to unfuck all of this." I said my glare never leaving her.