Emily's Mind

"Thank you Randolph for carrying my daughter's backpack for her."

"Yeah thanks." I said to the butler

Wow, she had a butler too. Man this woman must be as rich as Richie Rich. The cartoon one though, not the live action one. I mean you gotta hand it to Macaulay Culkin though. The kid was not exactly in a good place to begin with. Richie Rich may have been a show I partially grew up with on the classic Boomerang channel, and it might've been good at one point, that show was just corny as hell. Macaulay Culkin was in a movie that was doomed to fail to begin with because standards for movies and TV are always changing because people van't make up their minds about what a good movie is and what a bad movie is. What might've been a bad movie at one point is a cult classic nowadays. What might have been the greatest movie of all time back then is considered corny and outdated by today's standards. When it comes to cinema people just can't make up their minds can they? There really is no hope for humanity if we can't even decide on what a good movie is.

Huh, another thought just occurred to me. DMan never really explained just WHY he pretty much destroyed GHS. I think it might've involved the displacer gun he talked about, but just how the hell did he lose it and how the hell did two biology students find it? Nothing makes any sense anymore. All this just sounds like the setup to a bad plot in a bad fiction book, except this is real life! I think I speak for everyone, including those reading this, when I say that there needs to be an explanation for all this eventually. So lets see what questions that need answers. One, who the fuck is DMan really. Two, why the fuck he calls himself more important than the "others", whoever the flying fuck they are. Three, why he pretty much destroyed my old home and made my life into a shitty bad Half Life: Opposing Force mod. Four, how the hell those two students found his displacer gun in the first place. Five, how he even fucking lost his displacer in the first place. Six why was he not reluctant to give me a new life and just let me rot to die in stasis. Seven, what the fuck he meant when he said I would be getting new weapons. Eight, why he injured me. Nine, why he fucking comatosed me for weeks. Ten, what did he fucking mean by, "I can't leave this world?" Eleven, what the hell he meant by loose ends needing to be tied up. Twelve, why the fucking hell he wanted to preserve me like as if I was some lost artifact. And by that, I mean why did he want to put me into stasis in the first place? Thirteen, what did he mean by witnesses? Were there others besides me who saw those two kids? If so, who were they? Fourteen- ah fuck it with the numbers. What did he mean by a fascination with those like myself? What did he mean by they reminded them of himself? Who are his friends? Well, I can't really think of anything else outside of those few questions. Oh wait, I just remembered something! WHO THE FUCK YELLED BACK RUBS AT ME?! Okay I think that's all the major questions.

You know, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure there's more questions but I'm just over looking them. Damn this is so confusing I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. This has just been one painful and stupid cluster fuck of a day. I know Nostalgia Critic once said in his Cat in the Hat review that just because that you admit something is painful and stupid, doesn't make it any less painful and stupid, but at times you have to to tell yourself that to assure yourself that everything is gonna be okay.

Huh. I just realized something. My own foster mother's name is Spoiled Rich. And her husband's name is Filthy Rich. Wow, somebody's parents didn't love them. Or they did and they named them that because they saw a bright future ahead for them. Well my, I guess sister, sister's name is Diamond Tiara. So Spoiled and Filthy, oh god that sounded dirty, how the fuck did that rhyme?! Um, anyways. So Spoiled and Filthy must've wanted a bright future for their daughter so they named her Diamond Tiara, and from what I understand she actually wears a diamond tiara. Now that's committing to a name at its best. I mean you don't exactly see Peter Parker going around parking everywhere now do you? .... Huh? Am I hearing things, or is that really the sound of a Daytona 500 race car engine?

"LOOK OUT!"

What- AHHHHHH!  OH MY GOD! I quickly rolled out of the way to avoid a high speeding pony on a scooter!

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FUCKING GOING ASSHOLE YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME!" I shouted waving my fist at the pony as he/she drove off

Man if I see him/her I'm gonna fucking kill him/her!

"Are you alright?! That no good Scootaloo didn't hurt you did she?!" Spoiled asked me as Randolph helped me up

"I don't think so. Everything looks to be alright. Jesus tap dancing Christ that moron could've killed me! Does she not know what the word speed limit means?!" I said checking myself for everything

"Sadly no." Spoiled said, "Rainbow Dash is the one responsible for making that pony like this."

Someone remind me to kill her later.

"Well, uh, lets get back on track shall we?" I asked

How long have we been walking again? I think my legs are getting tired. Oh hell yes, I think this is it! Jesus tap dancing Christ on a pogostick, that's one huge mansion. Wait.... OH FUCK NOT NOW! WHY!? WHY GOD DAMN IT?!

Flashback, Emily is now thirteen and just about to start middle school...

"Huh. 28 Days Later. Well cousin Joey always did have his weird fascination with Zombie movies. Let's see what we've got here. I just hope it doesn't give me a fear of a place. I was never the same after seeing the 2004 Dawn of the Dead movie. I never went to a mall for months after seeing that movie back when I was ten. Then again this could be interesting seeing as how I like its theme. Okay I'e stalled enough time to watch another generic zombie movie." I said as I took the VHS out of its box

Turning my TV on I put the VHS into the VHS player and proceeded to watch 28 Days Later....

104 or so minutes later...

Youtube Video

I was huddled into my covers in a fetal position as I continued to watch the movie. I have never been so terrified in my life. I watched as events played out. Then, I heard the theme I listened to on YouTube before. Oh god I understand where it came from now. AND I'M TERRIFIED AS HELL! WHY THE FUCK DID I WATCH THIS HOME ALONE?! I watched as the minutes passed and Jim's rampage continued. Gad damn it Joey! HOW DO YOU ALWAYS FIND THINGS TO GET ME TERRIFIED?! WAS 2004'S DAWN OF THE DEAD NOT ENOUGH?! WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! I then watched as, Jim, attacked, Major West, and gouged his eyes out. I did something, I swear, the entire neighborhood, even my parents in town could hear. I screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A year later...

Jesus h Christ, I thought this business trip with dad and Joey to England would help me relax because of all the stress eighth grade is putting on me, but nooooooo, Joey and his little movie location scouting has to ruin everything again! I just wanna go to Taco Bell and have a Baja Blast, that's the best kind of drink Mountain Dew's ever produced. Goes well with Oxycodone too! Okay I've found the location so what's it thi-thi-thi-thi-thi-thi- my lip was quivering, flashbacks of 28 Days Later went through my mind as I saw where I was. Trafalgar Park, or more specifically, in front of the mansion that gave me nightmares for months. Joey told me it's name when we last saw each other after I saw 28 Days LAter. I didn't think he'd send me here! In return, I did the one thing I did last time. I screamed out of pure terror.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

End Flashback...

"Emily?! Are you okay?!"

I quickly snapped out of my little PTSD trip and looked at Spoiled.

"Uh, yeah, I'm alright. I, was just spacing out." I reassured

That was a lie and I know it. God damn you Joey! If you aren't dead already you're on my enemy's list!

"Well, let's head inside shall we?" I said

Oh holy hell this is all I've ever dreamed of, minus the Rage Virus, but still!

"Diamond Tiara! Get down here this instant!" Spoiled called up to the 2nd floor

"Coming!" I heard a new voice call

Ummmmmmm, was I hearing that right? That voice sounded WAY too familiar! Wait a second. Twilight's name's kind of familiar too... wait a second. Wait, another flashback?! What is this episode, Felix's Mind on steroids?!

Flashback, Emily is now fouteen and just about to start high school...

Was that age thing a retcon? I don't even know anymore! Ugh. I need some talks about my contract. Wait are we rolling? Whoops! 4th wall break! Sorry!

"This is Story of the Blanks. It's a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fan game." Ashley told me as the play button appeared on the NES cartridge showing My Little Pony

"Seriously? Ashley I know you tend to get into the craziest of things, hell you told me you were a furry last year for Pete's sake and converted me too. But this is the craziest." I said, "My Little Pony? Really? That's a show from the 80's made for five year old girls. Gen 2 of it was pretty rank, Gen 3 was just a migraine, Gen 3.5 was hell, but they made ANOTHER reboot of the series? What is this the 4th time?! What makes it so different from the others that it has a fanbase around it?!"

"If you would watch it you would know." Ashley said

"Ashley, I'm an Oxycodone addict. You know this. My family knows it. Mom especially. But it will take more than just Oxycodone to get me to enjoy anything I'm suppost to be out grown over." I said, "especially this little fan game."

"This little fan game is more than just a fan game. It has its own lore and fans too." Ashley said

"I'll believe it when I see it." I said, "Lets just play the damn game."

Later...

As I played Applebloom exited the now blacked out building and I was panting.

"Okay let's see what we've uncovered so far. Number one, a strange town that canon wise IS NO WHERE ON THE EQUESTRIA MAP FROM WHAT YOU TELL ME! Number two, THERE'S A FUCKING DEAD HORSE IN THAT CABIN! FUCK THIS SHIT! AB LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" I shouted as I moved Applebloom out of the 2sppoky4me area, and into hell, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT HAPPENED TO SUNNY TOWN?!"

Ashley was laughing.

"YOU KNEW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN WOULDN'T YOU?!" I asked her

She just continued to laugh.

"SCREW YOU ASHLEY!" I shouted

Then, as I pressed through any text that appeared, I saw the walking skeleton.

"MONKEY ON A STICK! IT'S THE FUCKING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE OF A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL'S NIGHTMARES!"

Ashley just laughed harder.

Later...

"PONY BAD, PONY BAD, BAD PONY, BAD!" I shouted as I ran towards the entrance, "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I MOVE?! AHHH! GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM MY ASS IT'S NOT YOURS! FUCK I'M CORNERED! WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO KILL AB?! SHE'S AWESOME! Wait, what the fuck? OH THANK YOU MITA, THANK YOU!"

"Do you ALWAYS get like this when playing a simple game Emily?!" Ashley laughed

"FUCK YOU!" I shouted, "I LIKE TO GET INVESTED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE! WHAT THE FUCK?! SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS EVERYWHERE! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, YOUR ASS DEPENDS ON IT! BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH!"

Ashley began laughing and going into coughing fits.

"OH FUCK IT'S BLACK! I CAN'T SEE SHIT WHERE THEY ARE! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?! WHAT ARE THESE FOOTPRINTS?! AB JUST WANTS TO GO HOME! LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE!"

Ashley's laughing and coughing echoed.

End Flashback...

Holy shit now I know why Twilight's a familiar name now! I'M IN THE FUCKING MLP WORLD! Wait a second that can't be right though. I mean they're all anthros. And I might've never seen the show before, but it's based on a franchise called My Little PONY, not My Little ANTHRO. Wait a second, oh shit what if this IS the MLP universe?! Was the version I knew back on Earth a cover up?! Nah, only an idiot would think that if they never heard of multiverse theory. Soooo. I'm in an alternate MLP world. Well I could've ended up in some place worse. Come to think of it, why didn't I recognize Twilight's name until now? I mean I've never seen an episode of the show or read any fan fics, all I know about MLP is from Story of the Blanks, and  Super Filly Adventure. Both of which I can barely even remember! Well except for those Blanks and Blood Hooves. WHY IS IT I CAN'T REMEMBER OTHER STUFF, BUT HORROR THINGS I CAN REMEMBER LIKE AS IF I'VE SEEN THEM ALL MY DAMN LIFE?! I think I better lay off the Oxycodone for a week, I think it's probably doing something to my memory. But anyways, if I had to guess as to WHY I couldn't remember Twilight and her friends, I guess it would be because I never really cared about watching the show. I mean I HEARD that there would be an episode about zombie ponies from Ashley, but I just looked at her like as if she just said the craziest thing in the world because while Gravity Falls and Fosters managed to get their zombie episodes past the censors, there is no way a show for five year old girls will get that past the censors. I'll be damned impressed if they did somehow go through with it. I'll bet it was probably a cluster fuck though. Cartoon writers just have to learn the hard way that zombies are fit for the movies and not children's  TV. 28 Days Later pretty much rewrote the zombie constitution when it came out, and that film wasn't even about zombies. Just comes to show that films that aren't about a certain genre can rewrite that genre's constitution without even knowing it. I mean from what my niece Jackie told me, 28 Weeks Later tried to do it again and while it didn't work, it's still considered an amazing squeal. Makes me wonder what a 28 Months later is gonna do if it ever happens. Lightning can't strike twice, or can it?

Wait what was I doing again? Oh, right. Damn Diamond's sure taking her time.

"Ugh, man Diamond's slow. I could sing Modern Major General quicker than her arrival." I said

"She might be doing this to annoy me. Go ahead." Spoiled said

I cleared my throat and began.

"♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical

From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;a

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. ♪

Where's the chorus?!

♪ I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;

I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,

I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,

In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous; ♪

Okay Freeman was right this song's kind of dated. It's suppost to be MODERN Major General, I'm gonna add in the Freeman's Mind verse.

♪ I can fire at a target and hit it at least half the time

or graph out an electron path while using only numbers prime

I calculate the fall rate of a bullet shot a thousand yards

and perforate the thick heads of a hundred military guards.

I can make a simulation of an atom bomb and build one too

or flank a dozen men and ambush ten of them out of the blue

from SMGs to RPGs I carry quite an arsenal

and skip around a warzone like a subatomic particle ♪

Still no chorus! Come on someone sing and I promise I won't go postal!"

Suddenly I heard a loud, "OW!"

"Ah." I said, "Okay there we go."

I cleared my throat again and continued.

"♪ Every solider out here wants to kill me for my curiosity

I wage war on the whole damn world because of my tenacity

in matters combat tactical and physics theoretical I am the very model of a modern major general. ♪

Okay nobody's even trying to sing along I quit."

And then I saw what I presumed to be Diamond Tiara. Huh, pink fur, purple and white mane, a Diamond Tiara on her head, pink diamond earrings,  a pink diamond necklace, silver bracelet, white and yellow jacket thing, black shirt, white and black skort, yellow and white boots with a weird black stripe and pink diamond thing on it, and wow she's shorter than me. And I'm five foot 9. Soooo. What now? ...................