RGRE Slut Pirate Anon

“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘no', Twiggles?”

“Stallions can’t own a boat! Don’t you know what happens when a filly and a Colt are stuck together out on the water?!”

She blushes furiously as her eyes glaze over and she continues.

“The cool ocean breeze fluttering the sail… The stars glittering on a clear night sky, a full moon overhead. The soft light falling across your stallion’s soft features, his white billowing blouse unbuttoned, as he brings you another maregharita. Losing control you force yourself upon the slutty colt, slipping socks over his hooves. Maybe a scarf too, the slut. It’s not your fault, he brought it on himself. He cries out for help but there’s no one to stop me from having my way with-“

She’s giggling and rubbing her front hoofsies together with a lewd grin on her face. Wiping the drool from her face, she looks back at Anon.

“And that’s why you cant-“

Who is no longer there. He apparently wandered off at some point during her lecture.

“ANOOOOON!”

You are Anon, and you are back on your property. Luckily, ponies are a lot like vampires, or Canadians, in that they can’t enter your property without being invited in first.

“Hey Anooooooon!”

Which you wish you had known about when you first got here. You ignore the green unicorn as you continue to put the finishing touches on your boat.

“It had been your dream ever since you were a young colt to sail on the ocean, free from all dry land’s stupid laws about nudity, sodomy, and bestiality. And then you somehow ended up horsemarried in Equestria to two beautiful fillies.”

“Lyra, what have I said about hijacking my inner monologue?”

“Do it harder Lyra, and pull on Bon Bon's tail?”

“… that’ll do pony, that’ll do. Also we aren’t married.”

“Are you suuure? I’d hate to see your reputation sullied after the other mares hear about what you did to Bon Bon's bu-“

“Fine, whatever, think what you want!”

Your green unicorn neighbor’s smile lights up as she trots over to inspect your handiwork. It’s sleek and streamlined, a single-masted sloop maybe 100ft long. You had been worried about how you were going to move large heavy logs around but quickly discovered marshmallow ponies live in a land with marshmallow wood. Out in the Everfree you found the perfect construction material. They were like a strange mix between pine, balsa, and carbon fiber, lightweight but super strong, so you were easily able to cut and assemble the pieces. The sap was an amazing natural sealant too, binding the seams of the hull together perfectly. Yup, it had taken thousands of the Timberwolves, and it had been a bear to hunt down and harvest those last few after they combined into a giant one, but your boat was now done!

“Hmm, will the three of us be enough to run this thing Anon? We could probably use one more Mare...”

You knew that tone of voice. It was the same one she used when she brought Bon Bon in. Like the force of nature that was Bonnie’s earth pony booty, you found it was best to lay back and just ride it out cause it was gonna happen whether you wanted it or not.

“Well, who do you have in mind?”

“She’s a cute pegasus pony that Bon Bon served with back in ‘stan! Her name is Sea Shell! I bet she probably knows all about sailing!”

“…Bonnie and Shell were in ‘stan?”

“Yup, they were both out in Yakyakistan together! I’ve heard terrible stories, but Bon Bon doesn’t like to talk about it. Apparently Sea Shell got a lot of ribbons out there.”

You are Special Agent Sweetie Drops, deep cover operative for Celestia’s Organization for the Containment of rare and magical Kryptids. The first rule of C.O.C.K.? Never fall in love. Fuck. You had one job Bon Bon. Fuck that s-stupid monkey and his stupid magic spider hooves. It wasn’t like you l-like liked him or anything. You were planning on going rogue anyways, it’s not like you burned the records and kept him out of the organization’s top secret RING Containment facility for him.

“You OK Bonnie?”

You nod and continue your conversation with her about Anon. Shelly always worried you. She never really came back after her stint in the ‘stanbox. No one did, really. But Shell had been especially hard hit. She had trouble holding jobs, she never got out, and she could never find herself a stallion.

“He sounds nice Bons, but what could I offer a stallion like that?”

She looked down at the ground as they trotted towards Anon's shore side estate. She didn’t fly much nowadays. Too many memories.

“Anon’s kind of a weirdo, Shell. He’s not some prissy stallion like the others. He-”

“AHOY THERE MATEYS!! WHO'S DOWN FOR SOME BOOOTAY!”

You are Anon and you are pimp as fuck. Your billowing white blouse exposes just the right amount of chest and your tight leather pants leave nothing to the imagination. A sturdy pair of folded cuff leather boots and a dark weather beaten tri-corner hat cover your top and bottoms. A bright red silk belt holds your wooden sword by your side as you wave at the mares approaching your ship.

Bon Bon. That’s you. Oh dear God he’s wearing it in public. The weird fetish gear Lyra had made for him when she found out about his boat fetish. He is wearing. That. In. Public. That fucking sexy sexy slut, was he trying to screw this up? Your jaw drops as you slowly turn to Sea Shell.

“Permission to be boarded, Captain?” she says as she wiggles her hips and flutters her wings seductively.

Shelly laughs. An actual genuine laugh. Not a polite chuckle. You breath a sigh of relief.
Aaand yer Anon.
“Fuck yes! Get your sexy asses up on deck.”

You watch Bonny and Shelly climb the rickety scaffolding made from much smaller bits of wood that were too short or weak to use on the boat. It seemed a waste not to use the little ones too. You hold out your hand to Shell as she climbs up on deck. She takes it and takes her first tentative steps on board.

“Salutations. I am required by pony law to tell you that I am a registered slut-”

You pull out your slut card and show it to her. The picture is terrible, like most government ID card photos. Lyra and Bon Bon are on either side of you holding your unconscious body up like Weekend at Bernies, hooves sticking out the arms of the coat. You point your thumb at Lyra and Bon Bon.

“Registered to these two. So with that out of the way, let’s get going!”

You pull out your sword and hack a piece of rope hanging beside you. It’s wood so it doesn’t cut it, but the knot you hit comes untied and a complete array of pulleys, gears, and rope begin to move overhead. Bottle of wine in hand, you hang over the front and smash it against the brow.

“I christen thee, the CFS Why So Sirius!”

The entire deck shifts beneath you as the entire thing begins to slide to the deep river that circles Ponyville.