RGRE Slut Pirate Anon

You are Twilight Sparkle, and things may be getting a little out of hand. Beside you stands the captain of this vessel, the Dread Pirate Blue Bean. How a Pegasus pony with a horticulture cutie mark became a wanted swashbuckler is anybody’s guess, but the mare was one of the most notorious on the Celestia’s Sea. Negotiations had been surprisingly easy.
“Wears clothes all the time, ya say? Aye, I’ll catch this slut for ye, and I’ll mount him myself!”
Ragged cheers and saucy horse noises rose from her motley crew of the saltiest mares you had ever seen.
“No, no, there’s no need to mount him! The whole slut thing is a mistake, I don’t know where he got the card from!”
You had to protect your future horsebando's honor.
“Fine fine, Ye drive a hard bargain. We’ll all mount him for free then!”

Winking horse noises. Oh Celestia, this was a mistake.

Ye be Anon, wutwut! As you survey your motley crew of sexy small horses, you find yourself beaming with pride. All of them had played along and gotten dressed up in their outfits, in spite of Equestria treating most clothing like lingerie. Some had done it with more enthusiasm than others.
“Lyra…”
“Yes Nonnie?”
“Over here, you’re facing the wrong way. Turn around and take off that eyepatch, you’re only supposed to wear one.”
She reached up with her hoof and flipped both her eyepatches up, leaving her looking like she was very surprised. Giggling, she flashed a slightly off salute.
“Aye aye Capitan!”
Man, it didn’t matter what you guys did, no matter what the green unicorn always had fun. You looked over to her right. Bon Bon was also in full Pirate regalia, her wooden sword tucked in alongside her barrel. You knew in an instant she could draw the sword with her mouth, having had extensive time previously to familiarize yourself with her abilities.
“You look nice Bonnie, nice to see you in something other than those black sweaters.”
“Sh-shut up! Those are tactical turtlenecks, they’re part of my uniform!”
“Your candy store uniform?”
“…y-yeah, t-there. And nowhere else.”
Nonchalant horse noises.
“Well, your job is to repel boarders. Use that big ‘ol booty to knock them back.”
“Sh-shut up monkey! You know you love it!”
You finally came to Sea Shell. Her outfit was… confusing. She had big glasses with tape on the nosepiece, a sweater that was much to large for her, and her mane was tied up vertically out of her face with a single hair scrunchie. Your face scrunched as well.
“…What kind of Pirate are you, Shell?”
“I download songs and movies without paying for them!” she chirped happily.
Ahh. Oh well, roll with it.
“Well, since you’ve got military experience, I figure you could handle the pillow cannons.”
The modern pillow cannon is a marvel of modern horse engineering. It’s made from a large tube with a crystal in it. That’s it. You stuff a pillow in, pull the string, and some magic stuff happens, expelling the pillow at high velocities.
“I got it captain! You can count on me!”
Pillow cannons were actually heavily controlled items in Equestria. There were forms, taxes, and long waiting periods while they roughed up your grandma for any dirt on you. Surprisingly, Bon Bon said she could get them from a friend no problem. So here you were, the Pirate King Anon, captain of the glorious CFS (Celestia’s Fucking Ship) Why So Sirius, one of the most heavily armed vessels to ever exist in Equestria, with an all female crew of adorably fluffy pones to cuddle.
Feels good man. You finally made it, your dream. Who’s the crazy person now high school career counselor?! Looking back across the ocean, you see your opponent. She’s a large brig, easily double your size. Her sides bristle with canons as well. But there are in for a shock if they think you will be easy prey. The blood (sap), bones (wood), and souls (you swear there’s weird spooky noises onboard at night) of a thousand timberwolves are bound within your ship, put together with superior human design and craftsmanship. The composite sciences are nearly nonexistent in Equestria, the Sirius may as well be an airship compared to their heavy pony tech. With a smug look on your face, you jibe upwind to meet your foe.