Ryan awoke with an unsatisfied groan, his body sprawled out across the couch unceremoniously. He felt stiff, sore, and dry. Both inside and out. He rolled over, letting his back sink into the plush surface. Not bothering to take in his surroundings quite yet, he placed his palms over his eyes.

"Brain, status report." He said aloud, his voice hoarse and dry.

Bush did nine eleven...

Ryan growled at himself, but stopped after finding that it too cause a bit of pain in his throat. He felt as though he had fallen asleep in a hole he dug in the dessert while his friends giggled like school-girls and walked home, leaving him to fry in the blistering heat.

Worst. Walk of shame. Ever...

Lowing his hands from his face should have been as simple as that. He should have been able to do exactly that and pull himself up without anything in between. However, once his hands were removed, he found himself face to face with the same bug he had let take his bed earlier that day.

It was an odd experience, seeing how she had a somewhat worried expression across her face as she stared down at him. Her eyes were wide and curious, scanning every detail of him as if this would be the last time they ever saw each other.

"Ryan," She began, still going over his features. "Are you alright?"

"Never better." He replied sarcastically, his vocal cords sounding almost as rough as sandpaper. "What the fuck do you want?"

Chrysalis moved away from Ryan as he started pulling himself off of the couch, stretching his limbs out lazily. "It's just...you were asleep for so long." She explained, "I was starting to think you wouldn't wake up."

Ryan shot her an unamused look before making his way into the kitchen."If God were merciful..." He reached up to a cabinet, pulling it open and grabbing a plastic cup from inside of it. "Ain't no way in hell I'm going out peacefully."

He turned on the tap, filling the cup until it was overflowing before turning off the faucet and chugging down the water.

Oh my god, that's good!

Chrysalis followed Ryan into the kitchen, an odd look stuck to her face as she watched him quench his understandable thirst. It took him a moment to notice her, but when he did he set the cup down and glared in her direction. "What?"

Something seemed off about this changeling queen, she still seemed worried, but also like she wanted to tell him something. "Well, you had a number of visitors yesterday."

Ryan cocked an eyebrow at her. "The hell do you mean?" He started, clearly not understanding the nature of her words. "I was at Pinkie's yesterday, all day and night."

He set his cup in the sink, leaning against the counter to support his body while Chrysalis' expression only seemed to grow more worrisome. "That was two days ago." She explained to the tired looking human, "You slept all through yesterday."

Ryan blinked twice, letting this new information sink in before leveling a finger at the changeling. "You're telling me...That I managed to sleep through a whole fucking day...and not once did you try to wake me."

Chrysalis' demeanor did a complete one-eighty as a smirk spread across her face. "You told me to leave you alone, so I did."

Rage Meter: Fourteen Percent...

She walked over to Ryan, grabbing his hand and pushing it back down to his side as he stared off into space. Once again, the world was plotting against him and using these creatures as it's tools for his demise. "I also took the liberty of answering the door for you so the ponies wouldn't be able to bother you while you rested."

Twenty-seven Percent...

"I was disguised so they didn't know who I was, which is good on my part." She continued to explain, "But, they were curious as to how I knew you." Her eyes narrowed at him, her smirk still ever present as she delivered the next bit of information. "I introduced myself as your marefriend, Autumn Breeze."

Fifty-nine!

If Ryan's gaze could kill, this woman would have suffered the most painful deaths known to the living a thousand times over. "You told them...you were my marefriend?"

Chrysalis nodded, humming in approval as she placed a hand to his cheek. "They were skeptical at first, but I think they bought it." She explained, her voice consisting of both sultry and mocking tones. She pulled her hand away from him, placing it on her hip while the other pinched her chin. "Then there was that rainbow pony." She began, appearing as though she were trying to figure her out. "That mare looked like a volcano ready to explode."

Sixty-six!

Ryan turned away from the changeling, placing his hands against his face as he let his body fall to the floor with a loud thud. "Oh my fucking god!" He yelled to no one in particular, doing his best not to unleash all hell on her. "This is just great!" He added, "My reputation is going to be fucked, the mares I'm sleeping with think I'm taken, and on top of all that; Rainbow Dash is probably going to rip my balls off with her teeth!"

Chrysalis placed a hand over her mouth, failing miserably at suppressing a laugh. She took a breath to regain her composure before kneeling down next to Ryan and patting his head. "There, there, child."

"Why couldn't you have just killed me?" He asked, not moving an inch. "If you hated me so much then why not just end it all!"

"I don't hate you." Chrysalis said, "I just find this fun."

Seventy...

"Come on, it's not all bad." She added, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him back to his feet while he continued trying to burrow his fingers into his skull. "Cheer up, this day is supposed to be one of merriment."

Suddenly, it was as if the gears in Ryan's head had been well-lubed and started turning again. If he slept all through yesterday...and yesterday was supposed to be the day before...then that would mean that- "Holy shit fuck..." He exclaimed, finally removing his hands from his face. "It's Christmas!"

Twelve percent- Let's get fucked up!

While Ryan wasn't typically the most merry or festive of people, Christmas held a special place in his cold heart. Mostly because this day, along with good ol' Saint Patrick's Day, gave him an excuse to get blackout drunk and do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Ryan all but ran over to his fridge, nearly yanking the door off as he threw it open and started digging through the various items within. "Where the hell did I put my good eggnog?"

Chrysalis watched him with a confused look. She was aware of the pony holiday taking place, but had no idea what this 'Christmas' thing was. "Don't you mean Hearths Warming?"

She fell silent as the world around her seemed to stop, Ryan slowly peeking over at her from behind the fridge with a look of death in his eyes. "It's Christmas..."

An unsettling chill ran through the changeling's spine as he uttered those words to her. It were as if his voice was sending demons straight into her soul that would torment her relentlessly until she submitted to their will.

With little more than a nod, she complied with the human's version of the holiday. "Yes! Christmas, of course..."

Ryan went back to digging through his fridge, finally finding what he was looking for. He pulled out two large glass bottles, each one with a label that read 'Holiday Eggnog' across them.

After closing the fridge with his foot, Ryan set the bottles on the counter then start rummaging through a nearby cabinet. He then pulled out two small glasses, setting them beside the bottles before opening one of them and pouring its content into said glasses.

With the drinks poured and ready for consumption, he grabbed one firmly in one hand and held out the other to Chrysalis, who accepted it out of fear of upsetting him again.

"Cheers!" Ryan said as he raised the glass a few inches into the air, placing it to his lips and sucking it down as if his life depended on it.

Chrysalis mimicked the gesture and drank as well, but pulled it away and spit up what she had taken in with a short coughing fit. "What in Equestria is this?"

In the time it had taken her to ask this, Ryan had already refilled his glass and gotten to work on inhaling the drink once again. "Forty proof Eggnog. The kinda shit that leaves you passed out in a ditch and puking up confetti cake."

I still have no fucking idea where we even found that cake. It was just kinda 'there' in the morning

Chrysalis nodded with a less-than-satisfied look on her face as she did so. She made sure to only sip the drink this time and even then it caused her face to contort as if she had just swallowed tablespoon of ghost pepper hot sauce.

Deciding that this drink wasn't for her, she set the glass down on the counter, moving on to continuing to inform Ryan of what all he missed out on yesterday. "That purple pony came by as well, Twilight."

With the alcohol flowing through Ryan's system, his anger was dropping and his patience was rising. Rather than snapping at her, he settled with just listening. "What did she want?"

"Her friend, the pink one, is throwing a Hearths-" She paused as Ryan's eyes stared into her soul. "A Christmas party!" She corrected, allowing herself to take a moment to calm down when Ryan's mood settled. "Anyway, the party's being thrown at her castle and she asked us to come by."

"Us?" He asked, seeming to have forgotten the earlier conversation.

"Yes. Us," She confirmed, "You and me, your marefriend."

This reminder did little to keep Ryan's spirits up. With that group of ponies thinking that he was now in a relationship he was going to miss out on a lot of flirting, foreplay, and general fucking. Then there was Rainbow Dash...

We might not make it out of this alive

Twilight did a walk through over the main room in her castle to be sure that everything was in place and as it should be. While she knew that she could count on Pinkie to make everything perfect, when it came to parties at least, she still wanted to be sure that nothing was missed.

She moved around the room slowly, taking in everything that had been set up for the occasion. Streamers decorated nearly every inch of the ceiling, several fold out tables were set about the room, primarily against the walls and filled to the brim with various food dishes, primarily sweets and a single table in the corner where the adult beverages could be found. Balloons littered the area as well, both on the floor, in the air, and some even tied randomly onto chairs, tables and so on. And, for special occasions, some of the doorways that exited the main room had a single mistletoe hanging from the top of their frame.

Pen in hand, the alicorn, dressed in what could be mistaken as a catholic school girl outfit, put a mark through the last box on her list. "And, check! Everything seems to be in order."

Applejack, who had been shadowing Twilight for some of the inspection, came up behind her with a smile as she spoke. "Yep, Pinkie really did go all out on this one."

"Of course I did!" Pinkie exclaimed, popping up in front of the two seemingly out of nowhere. It goes without saying that they jumped from her sudden appearance, but that didn't stop her from talking. "It's Hearth Warming! You have to go all out on a holiday like this. This is a time for friends to all gather together and-" Pinkie's words stopped dead in their tracks as several knocks could be heard coming from the castle door.

"I'll get it!" Starlight called out from the next room, walking over to the door wearing an outfit similar to Twilight's, but with a more casual approach. She made her way over, a smile adorning her features as she grabbed the handle and pulled the door open.

Her smile faltered and both of her eyes appeared to be squinting a bit.

During Starlight Glimmer's stay in Ponyville, she had met the human known as Ryan a total of two times and both meetings were brief. While she was curious at first, his attitude, behavior, and overall demeanor caused her to keep her distance. What little else she did know she picked up from her friends and a majority of the time they either commented on him by saying things that related to him being 'Weird' or 'Really good in bed.'

Regardless of what she has heard about him, she still didn't understand much about him or his sense of humor. This lead her to be extremely confused about his fashion choice at this very moment. The mare beside him looked normal enough; bright white coat, orange mane, green eyes, and freckles. She was dressed in casual winter weather clothes. She looked normal, so why did the human look so odd?

Ryan stared at Starlight with a dopey smile, is head slowly leaning every other direction as he attempted to stand still. Originally he was planning to stay home and have a private party in the comfort of his own home, but after killing off that first bottle of eggnog, he was starting to feel both social and festive.

Seeing how he didn't have a whole lot of clothing that would match the Christmas spirit, he grabbed something he had been given back in his world that was been buried deep within his belongings. Covering his entire body from the neck down was a single piece, Deadpool onesie; Complete with a fake, muscular body tone on the front and a hood mask that hung behind his shoulders. On top of that, he had thrown on his Santa hat, placing it on his head in such a way that the front portion of his hair was sticking out.

In one hand he was holding a full bottle of the Holiday Eggnog, while his other arm was draped over the mare next to him so he wouldn't fall.

"I bring merriments!" He exclaimed, holding the bottle out to mare standing in front of him.

Starlight put on a forced smile, doing her best to cooperate with the obviously intoxicated human. "Thank you, Ryan." She said, accepting the bottle from his hands and taking it into her own. "Come on in, we were just about to get started."

She stood off to the side, allowing the couple to enter the castle, one of them stumbling a bit with every step while the other did her best to keep his drunk ass from falling over.

Starlight made her way over to Twilight, watching the couple as they made their way over to one of the food tables. Once by the alicorn's side, she set the bottle down on the nearest table. "Did you have to invite him?"

Twilight angled her face toward Starlight. "Of course I did, he's our friend."

Starlight responded by rolling her eyes at her teacher. "Some friend."

"Starlight!" Twilight all but yelled in a reprimanding tone.

"I'm sorry!" Starlight continued, "But I just don't see how you can be friends with him. He's loud, obnoxious, crude, and doesn't care about anypony but himself!"

Twilight sighed at her, "Look, I know it seems that way, but Ryan comes from a very different place." She explained matter-of-factly, "He has a completely different mindset than us, so he expresses himself differently." Starlight groaned, clearly not having a whole lot of faith in Twilight's words. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but he does care about us. He just has an odd way of showing it."

The mares' ears twitched as they heard Pinkie speaking in the distance.

"Happy Hearths warming, Ryan! No..." She said, replacing the sandwich plate he tried to walk away with back onto the table. "Those are for everypony. You can take one and come back for more later."

Ryan stared down at the tray, sliding his hand beneath it before launching it off of the table, causing the sandwiches to rain down onto the floor. "Fuck everypony and fuck hearths warming! Christmas!!!"

Starlight returned her gaze to a very nervous looking Twilight, her eyes narrowing as she did so. "I see; He's practically overflowing with friendship."

Twilight reached over to her side, grabbing the bottle of Holiday Eggnog Starlight had set down earlier.

Other than the sandwich plate, Ryan had refrained from causing anymore carnage. Instead he, as well as others, had moved on to simply having a good time. Music was playing, drinks were being passed around, everyone was having a good time. Later on into the party and few missing guests joined in. Rarity came in dressed in what Ryan kept commenting was a 'Slutty Elf' suit. Fluttershy strolled in and kept mostly to herself, aside from the occasional conga line that Pinkie seemed to love starting. Every so often one of them would break away from everypony else and talk to Ryan's new marefriend, trying their best to be friendly and get to know her better. Chrysalis played her role perfectly; Everything was going great, minus when somepony would bring up Hearths Warming and Ryan would snap and go on a rant about how it was Christmas and not their 'Dumb pony bullshit.'

Other than that, thing were going well...until a certain cyan Pegasus found her way in.

Rainbow Dash practically kicked down the door looking like she was ready to party, and party hard. Despite the cold weather, she came in wearing a white tank top, a jeans vest, and black spandex shorts. "Alright, ladies!" She exclaimed, holding a bottle over Everfree Vodka tightly in one of her hands. "It's time to really get this party going..."

Her words seemed to trail off as she looked out upon her crowd of friends, her eyes focusing straight past them and onto the oddly dressed human that was currently leaning against the strange mare she met yesterday at his house.

Rainbow's expression instantly went dark, her face scrunching up in anger as she stomped her way through everypony, pulling out of their grips as a small number of them tried to stop her.

In seconds she was standing before the so-called couple with a fire in her eyes that could melt the polar ice-caps. "And what the hay do you two think you're doing here!?"

Chrysalis, still in disguise of course, stared up at the raging pegasus in shock. She could tell that the mare was angry when she showed up at Ryan's doorstep the other day, but hardly expected this kind of reaction.

She shook off her look of shock, taking on a much more dominant look. "We're trying to enjoy the party. What are you doing here?"

Ryan, whose head was previously buried into Chrysalis' back, lifted himself enough to see Rainbow. The pompom on the end of his hat hung lazily in front of his left eye as he processed what was going on. "Sweetheart, you need to-"

"Stop. Calling me that!" Rainbow snapped at him.

Eighty seven...

And just like that it was as if Ryan's entire body had been instantly detoxed. His face was now flushed red with anger, his hands tightened into fists. His drunken stumbling vanished as well as he marched in front of Dash, grabbing his hat and throwing it aside while doing so. "What is your problem, you fucking bitch!"

"My problem!?" Rainbow gasped, "What's your problem! First you tell me that you're not looking for a relationship, then out of the blue you start dating this mare!" She yelled, leveling a furious index finger at Chrysalis. "What kind of sick game are you playing here, you bucking psycho!"

*Shatter* Kill her! Kill her!! FUCKING KILL HER!!!

Ryan's knees bent, signaling to everypony that he was going to pounce. "I'm gonna ring your fucking neck just to see what color you turn!"

Just as he went to tackle her, his body was suspended into the air by a purple glow that had encased his entire body. "Enough!" Twilight shouted, finally becoming fed up with the two constantly being at each other's throats. "Why can't you two just get along?"

Rainbow Dash pointed an accusatory finger at the floating human. "He's a manipulative freak!"

"She's a raging ball of cock!" Ryan responded, flailing his body around as he hovered in the air.

"Can I please say something?" The room fell silent as the mare known to them as Autumn Breeze spoke up. "I think I may be able to help settle this." Seeing how no pony denied her the right, she walked over to Rainbow Dash, stopping just out of arm's reach. "I don't know what happened between you and Ryan, but going off of general knowledge I can only assume that you two were an item at one point."

Rainbow Dash was glaring daggers at the mare. "I don't see how that's any of your-"

"On the contrary, Miss. Dash." She interrupted, taking the offensive floor once more. "Seeing how Ryan and I are together now, it is my business. Whatever you and Ryan had is over and you need to let it go."

Rainbow tried to speak, but the words couldn't seem to come out. All she could come up with were petty insults, until a certain thought crossed her mind. "I hope you know how often he gets around." She commented, a victorious smile on her face. "That disgusting thing can't keep it in his pants to save his life. He's probably gonna cheat on you."

Chrysalis grinned at the cocky pegasus, "Yes, I'm aware of how often he gets around. I accept that he has an issue being with one mare." She explained, preparing her mental camera for the next part. "That's why we agreed to an open relationship." Everypony's jaw suddenly dropped at that, even Ryan was having a hard time holding up his poker face; But seeing Rainbow's face do this was ridiculously satisfying. "It was the only way he would agree to be with me. Now he and I can go out and have our fun, but still come home to each other when the day is over."

As fun as hanging in the air was, Ryan was starting to get sick of it. With a bit of focus, and a whole lot of repressed anger, he managed to sever the magical hold. His landing could have been more graceful, but no damage was done.

Ryan pulled himself off of the floor, grabbing Chrysalis by the arm so they could get out of there and avoid any further confrontations with his crazy not-so-ex.

Rainbow's attention shifted to Ryan as he tried to walk away. "Where do you-"

Her words were cut off as Ryan placed a hand over her mouth, his eyes staring directly through her skull. She could swear she could feel a hole burning into her head.

"Do me a favor," Ryan began, his words soft but full of a cancerous venom that caused her body to feel weak. "and stay the fuck out of my life. There's no room for you anymore."

And with that he left, pulling Autumn alongside him.

The walk home was cold and silent, the only sound they could pick up on was the wind blowing past them. They made it back to the house with little difficulty and closed themselves off from the outside world.

Ryan sighed, walking over to the couch and letting his body collapse ass-first into the cushions. Chrysalis wasn't too far behind; After removing her disguise she planted her rear into the couch as well. They sat beside each other for nearly two full minutes with not even a single word being said.

...Okay, so that could have gone better. But girl handled herself pretty well, even gave us an opening to keep fucking around.

Ryan made a clicking sound with his tongue before turning his head toward his roommate. "Thanks...I guess." Chrysalis angled her head in his direction, offering nothing more than a questioning hum. "For warding off the blue whore and giving me my freedom."

"Your freedom?" She asked curiously.

"Would you stop nitpicking!" Ryan growled, "I'm thanking you for fuck sake, just take it and piss off!"

Chrysalis giggled at this, finding his little tantrum to be strangely adorable. "Has anyone ever told you how cute you are when you're angry?"

"Go to hell..." She giggled again, lifting herself from the couch, only to place herself on Ryan's lap. "What are you doing?"

"Come on." Chrysalis cooed, fluttering her eyelashes at him. "I know today got started off on a bad note, but that doesn't mean it has to end that way." The changeling pressed her hips against his, grinding against his lower regions as she started removing her top layers of clothing.

Ryan was about to pick her up and throw her out of a closed window, but found that increasingly difficult when her body started to change in front of him. There was a green flash that blinded him for a split second, but once he got his vision back, all thoughts of throwing her out vanished.

He took in the sight of Chrysalis' recently changed body, her previous form practically no longer existing as she took the form of a certain yellow Pegasus that he has had his eye on for some time now.

"Please, Ryan..." She spoke in a voice that matched the original's perfectly. "I've been such a naughty filly and I need you to punish me."

Ryan blinked twice, doing his best to maintain his normal mindset. "Fuck you..."

"If you want to, master..."

...Okay, this bitch is gonna get it hard.

Author's Note

Wish I could have edited this more, but the computer needed to restart so I didn't have time. So please fill me in on any errors I might not have come across.

Also, Happy Chrismachaunaquanzica!

Yes, I know it would have been easier to say 'Happy Holidays', but fuck you. I like this version better. If you're gonna fire into an open crowd you might as well whip the damn thing around a bit.