When Chaos and Psychopathy Collide

I stepped down the bus' stairs while holding my bag filled with these small ponies tightly to my back. I noticed and walked up to my friends, Stan, Kahl, and Kenny who were talking to some of my other more distant friends, Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token in front of the skewl.

I didn't listen on their conversation too much as I looked around the skewl front for any signs of Butters. I needed to get the answers for the homework we got yesterday, but that asshole wasn't anywhere outside, probably in the schewl somewhere scratching his balls or something.

As I was about to head off to my locker inside my schewl, my friend Stan Marsh came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, were you listening?" He asked me.

I noticed the other guys were walking away but still talking to one another. "No dude, what's up?" I frowned a bit as I felt the three ponies inside my backpack shuffle a bit. Thankfully, Stan didn't notice.

"We're hanging out at my house tomorrow to play some Playstation, my mom could order us some pizza." He explained.

"Oh, that's kewl. I'm so down brah." I took out my sweet iPhone 6s to check the time and text Butters.

Hey fag where r u?

"What are we going to play?" I asked Stan, still looking at my phone.

He shrugged. "I dunno, maybe some Call of Duty or 2K."

I looked at him. "I'm down to play some 2K. Anyways, I have to find Butters."

"Cool, anytime after four tomorrow."

"Alright, later." I started to walk off and I felt my phone vibrating in my hand, probably Butters. I raised my phone to my eyes and saw my notifications.

Butters AKA Pussy 5 sec ago

I'm at my locker Eric.

Of course, he had to text perfect grammar, what a nerd. Then again, his parents would probably ground him just for having one spelling mistake, such assholes. I quickly made my way to his locker about ten lockers away from mine, shoving some idiots to the side who were in my way. I ignored their shouts as I spotted that pussy Butters and walked over to him with some hope and worry in my eyes. He always feels bad and that's how I get him to do some small stuff for me. "Sup Butters." I greeted.

"Hey, Eric!" He said back as always. "Oh boy, was that homework hard yesterday, I nearly didn't finish before my bedtime." He was putting some things that I didn't care about in his locker as he said that.

"Oh, yeah, about that. I really need the homework answers, lend them to me over lunch, alright?" I told him.

He looked at me with his smile. "Why sure, Eric! Here," He reached into his gay little Hello Kitty Backpack sitting at the bottom of his locker, he pulled out two sheets of the math homework filled in with answers.

"This better be correct or I'm kicking your ass," I say casually as I take his work. Ever since Mr. Garrison got fired and we got some random bitch as a replacement teacher I was doing this kind of shit more often because she didn't know me as well as Garrison did. I could get away with almost anything if I tried.

"I double checked, Eric. I'm sorry if any of the answers are wrong, though." He said as he shut his locker closed.

"You better be," I said with a frown before I turned and started to head to my own locker. By now most of the hallway was empty except some other kids and Butters who was about to leave himself. I checked left and right before I opened my locker and placed my backpack down carefully at the bottom. I unzipped it and out popped the orange dumbass's head.

"Stealing homework answers I see?" She said with a smirk.

"Hey, Orange Dumbass," I said as I took out a bag of Cheesy Poofs and started to eat some. "What do you know about homework?" I asked with a full mouth.

She was confused by the name and shrugged. "I do it myself where I'm from, mostly taking the answers from Sweetie Belle." She explained to me.

"I see." I didn't bother questioning how little girly ponies got and did homework. As I popped another Cheesy Poof into my mouth, I looked around and saw two girls in my class, Wendy, and Bebe. I looked closer at Wendy's locker and saw that same pink book on the top shelf. I always wondered what it was, with her being too protective over it and all. I had suspicions, and if I had the book in my hands to find out if they were correct then I would have so much fun involving blackmail. This was when I remembered something. "What's Dildo Belle doing?" I ask the orange dumbass with a smirk.

"It's Sweetie Belle." She corrected. "And she's playing with Apple Bloom. Why?"

I glanced back at her with a raised eyebrow. "How the fuck do you even have space in there?"

She shrugged. "Beats me."

I rolled my eyes. Perhaps these three had cartoon physics or something. "Could you call her out for a second?"

She scratched her head. "Uh, sure." She ducked back into my bag and the next thing I knew Dildo Belle's head popped out.

"Hey, you needed me?" She asked with a friendly smile.

"Hey, Dildo Belle?" I thought for a moment, ignoring her trying to correct her own name. If these ponies were civilized enough to have a schewl and do homework, it was a possibility they knew all about privacy. That would mean I would have to trick her into doing what I wanted her to do.

"Um, could you hurry this up? Me and Apple Bloom are in the middle of a game right now."

"You see those two girls over there?" I asked her, facing and pointing to Wendy and Bebe chatting.

"Yeah, what about them?" She asked.

"Well you see, the one with the pink hat and purple shirt took my girlfriend's diary. She's thinking about blackmailing her." I said to her with fake sadness in my voice. "Y-you see there, on the top shelf of her locker, that pink book right there? There's no way I could get that book back because she'll see me and beat me up. I'm not strong and I don't have magic like you do. S-so could you..."

She frowned at me with sympathy in her eyes. "Y-yeah, of course. I really hate bullies." She patted my back with care before she went on to do her magic with her dildo. This was so awesome.

I watched with my own two eyes as Dildo Belle concentrated with her tongue stuck out and dildo shining in her green-eyed color. The pink book at the top of the shelf shifted a bit in a dimming green glow before silently beginning to hover within the locker. It hovered above the two clueless girls talking to each other before it made its way towards me, a second later the book slowly and quietly made its way towards my hands reaching out. Once it was floating a couple centimeters above my two hands, Dildo Belle turned off her magic and the book fell into my hold. I turned to the cover and found out that my assumptions were correct.

It was the bitch's diary.

I smiled wide and internally I was so excited and almost jumped in happiness when Dildo Belle spoke up. "You're welcome." She said with a roll of her eyes and a smile on her face.

I turned to her with a happy smile, almost forgetting that this was my 'girlfriend's'. "Oh, thank you so much, Dildo Belle. You don't know how much this will make her happy."

"You could at least get my name right!" She whined in annoyance. "I'm always up on stopping dumb bullies. Anyways, I have to get back to our game. See ya!" She ducked back inside before I could say anything else. But I didn't need to, I had Wendy Fucking Testaburger's diary in my hands and she didn't even know!

With a smirk, I stashed her diary in my locker and closed it, double checking if it was locked. I would have to be sure to come back after schewl and retrieve it. I was going to have more fun than I thought on the weekend.

I started to head to class, realizing that Wendy and Bebe had left. Whether or not they noticed that Wendy's diary was missing didn't matter, I wasn't anywhere near them since this morning, and they had no proof it was me even if they suspected me, which could most likely happen. They can't even search me.

I know my rights.

As I approached my classroom door, I realized something. Not too many kids in our class brought their bags in the classroom. And there was no way in hell I was letting my eyes off these magical creatures for a single minute.

I guessed that I would have to come up with an excuse for now just in case.

I entered my classroom, noticing some of the other kids just getting into their seats. I quickly made my way over to my desk and sat down, gently putting my backpack down under my desk. I barely noticed Kahl and Clyde glancing down at my backpack. They didn't comment anything about it. I'm sure some of the other kids noticed too, but neither of them said or did anything about it. Good.

For the first half of school before lunch, we were doing Math and History.

Everybody hated math, it was logical at this point in time. But History was getting there. While there was kewl stuff like Hitler and the holocaust, there was also useless things we needed to learn for some shitty reason. About fifteen minutes into the lesson I had my forehead down resting on my two arms on my desk. I stared down at my backpack in thought.

Sure Dildo Belle had magic, but what about the other two? I almost forgot the Orange Dumbass had wings. But then there was the Hillbilly. I doubt her friends would want to leave her behind so that means I would have to keep all three of them hidden so no one else could use them to their advantage. At least. in the end, it would be all worth it. I mean, they have magic, and can fucking fly, what more could you ask for in this stupid world?

I kept staring at my backpack for any signs of shifting or movement. Hopefully, no signs would be shown and if there were then I pray to christ no one notices. How can I explain bringing three colorful magical ponies to schewl? Even I didn't have the answer to where they came from. If they were from some place called Equestria and not Imaginationland, what does this mean? The only reason I believed them is because all the creatures have pride for where they live so these three had no reason to hide theirs if they did. I shouldn't really care, to be honest, but I'll ask later anyways.

There was also the fact that I needed to plan more shit in the future, might as well get it out of the way here in this boring class, working on it later and fixing any flaws. It was one thing to take food from someone else, but it was another to take a girl's fucking diary. Holy shit I'm getting more excited in my seat by the minute. Imagine, all of the girls in the school, all of their secrets, that's literally about half the school under my control. I could probably also take Butters journal if he has one, he probably names that shit his dairy, gay bastard.

Maybe I'm getting over myself here. I persuaded Dildo Belle once, what if she catches on after a couple uses of her magic? Then again, she does seem to be a kid, kids are always easy to trick. And perhaps I can use Wendy's diary to get others if I really wanted to.

"Hey, Cartman."

I look to my left and glare at the Jew. "What?" I spat out with a whisper.

"You feeling alright, dude? You had your head down for most of the class."

I took out and glanced at my phone and by looking at the time I realized that forty minutes of class had passed.

I ignored Kahl and sat up in my seat. I must have done it abruptly because some of my classmates looked at me funny. I also ignored them as I leaned forward resting my cheek on my palm supported by my arm on the table.

Then I smiled rather evilly. This was going to be fun.

After class was done and lunch started, I decided to get Butters' homework copied down on my own papers. I skipped going to the cafeteria today and went over to one place other people, students and adults, never go.

This was my best hiding and planning spot really, it was such a big secret to me that I didn't even use it to hide in the schewl-wide Hide and Seek game. No windows and one lockable entrance were perfect and all I needed. Chef already let us in here before because we were good friends with him, what's the difference now that he's dead?

They left his office here in remembrance of him, one desk with one office chair standing in front of four smaller chairs surrounded by shelves of other shit I never cared about. I still had all four of the spare keys he gave me, Stan, Kenny, and Kahl in grade 3. I only come here if I want complete privacy or silence, and I took the spare keys so no one would be able to intrude on me without knocking first. I'm sure he would understand if he was alive.

I locked the office door behind me, making sure I wasn't followed, I walked up to Chef's desk right after and dusted off his name tag on his desk with a finger for the millionth time. I sat down on the office chair, putting my bag on the desk and unzipping it. To my surprise, none of the ponies popped out. "Hey, you three? It's safe to come out." I didn't say that with kindness nor with harshness, I had no intentions of being nice, that was their job.

All I heard was quiet snoring. Oh yeah, every animal had to sleep I guess.

I reached in with my right hand and touched around until I felt one of them. Soon, I felt something soft, and I shook it as I spoke, "Hey, nap time is over."

Out came the upper half of a drowsy Dildo Belle. She rubbed her eyes. "What do you want now?" She asked quite rude for my tastes.

"Nothing much asshole," I said somewhat sternly. "I just thought you three dicks needed some space to stretch." I pointed down into the backpack. "Your friends would probably want to stretch even if you don't you selfish prick."

She yawned. "Um, yeah sure." She smiled and ducked her body in.

A minute passed, I was just on my phone checking Twitter. One of them was probably a hard sleeper if it was taking this long for them to get out. Eh, I was one too I suppose. I then saw a hint of pink on my phone which most likely meant one of the girls I followed tweeted something or it was one of Butters' retweets. I wonder...

I scrolled down and saw Wendy's name, I don't remember looking at her locker and if she was there looking oh-so-desperately through it.

Then I read the tweet...

Wendy Testaburger @WendyMT123 • 10m

I lost my diary! Someone, please help me find it! ...Except for you Cartman! Fuck off!

I jumped up in joy and yelled in the room. "YES! Finally, I have Wendy right where I want her. I'm finally going to win, Testaburger!" I started dancing on the table, singing my Oscar deserving Taunting Song, not noticing the three little ponies watching me in front of the table.

It wasn't until the Hillbilly cleared her throat that I noticed them. I immediately stopped dancing and cleared my throat in return, returning to my seat right after. I stared at the three, two giving me weird looks and the third, the Orange Dumbass, was stretching her legs and wings.

"So you're all stretched out? How's it in my bag?" I asked them while leaning back on the office chair and putting my feet up on the desk. I had to make them feel comfy if I wanted them to work for me.

"It's alright, I suppose." The hillbilly said in her accent. "But do you have anywhere else we can stay while you're in class?"

"Sorry, but no, I don't. Unless you want to stay in my locker? Heh..." Before they started whining I added, "But when I get home in three hours I'm sure I could find somewhere for you that's not cramped up."

"It's not cramped, it's just..."

"Smelly." Dildo Belle finished for her.

"Oh." I leaned forward a bit. "I suppose I can get my mom to clean it."

After Orange Dumbass was done stretching, she walked up and asked with furrowed brows, "So where exactly are we?"

"You're in South Park, a supposed-to-be quiet town with a small community. My home." I reached into my bag and took out a doughnut. "Where are you from again?"

"We're from a town called Ponyville in Equestria." Dildo Belle told me.

Orange Dumbass sighed. "We should have never gone into the Everfree, now we're lost."

"Well we had no choice, how else were we going to get our Exploration Cutie Marks?" Dildo Belle explained.

I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. "Everfree? Cute Exploration what now?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The Everfree is a magical forest with weird things happening in it all the time." The Hillbilly explained.

"So you think a magical rainbow forest brought you here?" I could care less what brought them here, I just wanted more knowledge on these magical ponies.

"Rainbow?! It's the opposite actually! The Everfree is dark and scary and there's a bunch of dangerous creatures that can eat you!" The Orange Dumbass said.

"...So why go in it then?" These things must be retarde-

"To get our Cutie Marks!"

"OH MY, GAWD!" I had to cover my ears to stop that yelling filled with cancer harming them. Still, I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, so I kept asking. "Which are...?"

Dildo Belle spoke up. Jesus, do all ponies rotate when talking in a group? "A Cutie Mark is a picture on a pony's flank to represent their special talent. We didn't get ours yet so we're trying everything we can."

"...That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Might as well tattoo a vibrating dildo, a redneck, and Justin Beiber on your asses... actually..." I shook my head, seeing as they were just staring at me. "So a town filled with magical ponies, huh?" I asked, trying to switch the subject.

They nodded, and the Hillbilly spoke up. "There's other creatures too like there's this one friendly dragon about our age."

I nearly dropped my snack. "A dragon, like a fire breathing fucking dragon?" I asked with curiosity.

"He's not the best at it when nervous, but yeah, he can breathe fire. I think it's magical too."

"Speaking of him, wasn't he there with us in the Everfree?" The Orange Dumbass asked.

The other two shrugged while my eyes grew wide. If I had a fire breathing dragon then I would be set.

"By the way, we didn't get your name." The Hillbilly told me.

I cleared my throat and said professionally, "My name is Eric Cartman. You can call me Eric or The Master Lord."

They were all confused about my second totally kewl choice for a name.

"Well, anyways... howdy there, Eric! My name is Apple Bloom!"

"And I'm Scootaloo!"

"And I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"And we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

I strained through clenched teeth. "Never do that again."

Dildo Belle smiled up at me. "We get that a lot."

"And what's this about Crusaders?" I asked.

"We crusade to get our Cutie Marks, duh." The Orange Dumbass answered back like I was the dumbass.

"Well... now that we got proper introductions down, how about we discuss what's going down between us."

"What do you mean?" Dildo Belle asked.

"Like, what are you going to do now that you're in my world?"

They all just shrugged.

I sighed. At least they don't know what to do. I don't want to go through the trouble trying to explain that I can't... won't help them. "I guess you can stay with me until your parents come and save you or whatever with their magical powers." Please lord, do not let that happen. "I'll keep you safe but I can't be too sure about other people." They didn't question what others might do to them. Good.

I relaxed in my chair, closing my eyes a bit. "We'll just chill in here for the rest of recess, which is..." I checked the time on my phone. "Half an hour. Just be ready to get into my backpack in case anyone comes out of nowhere." It was quiet for a minute or two, I was half asleep in the office chair. Then I was slightly shaken from a yellow... what are those called again? Hooves?

"Whaaaat?" I asked the Hillbilly in annoyance.

"We left our saddle bags in your room and we're hungry!" She whined.

I roll my eyes. "You three had your own shit and you forgot it? What, want me to get you some grass?" I asked with frustration.

"Um... do you have some toast?" She asked me.

"..." I stared at her with disbelief. "You are telling me... that you eat fucking toasted bread."

"Of course! Especially with Granny's famous Apple Jam, but I doubt you have it, so regular toast will do."

"Uh, the only thing I have on me is cookies," I take out a bag of cookies to show her. "But I'm going to skip gym class and buy some pizza if you-"

"That'll do! Thanks!" The bitch snatched my bag of chocolate chip goodness with her teeth and ran off to give to her friends. And she's the useless one!

"You're welcome!" I yelled in anger.

We all chilled inside of Chef's office until the bell rang, indicating that recess was over. The three hopped back into my backpack, thanking me for my cookies, fucking assholes. I left the office locked as I made my way to class. I passed Bebe consoling a scared looking Wendy, hilarious, and entered the classroom. I saw Stan talking to Kahl, "Sup guys. What's going on?" I asked while taking my seat and placing my backpack under my desk.

"Dude, where were you at recess and lunch?" The Jew asked me.

"Doing important business, Jew!" I snapped back at him. "Mind your own business for once."

He rolled his eyes at me. "I was just asking a question, fatass. Maybe if you were paying attention in school you would know how to answer one!"

"Ay!"

The teacher walked in right after, and she started the next class, English. I never understood English class. Why did we need to learn a fucking language we already knew? It blew my mind when I realized how stupid the teachers were. Like, my English was perfectly fine!

Anyways, English was uninteresting as usual until the end of the lesson, where the bitch ass teacher assigned us, groups, to work on the project that I barely paid attention to when she was talking about it. And, of fucking course, she put Stan and Kahl with the rest of the guys and put me with Butters and the girls from my class. Just great.

After she assigned the groups she said we had some free time before gym. At this time I looked around to see most of the girls glaring at me. I just gave them a single glare in return and flipped them off before going back on my phone to reply to Wendy's tweet just to piss her off. I thought about saying something along the lines of her deserving it and that she's a whiny bitch.

Nothing happened much after that, when we were supposed to be in the change room for gym, I instead slipped out and went to my locker. I made sure that absolutely no one was watching when I quickly stuffed Wendy's diary into my bag. Once I did, I rushed out the back of schewl and headed for the nearest pizza restaurant, Pizza Pizza. One, I wasn't going to make everyone look bad because of my looks compared to theirs, and two, I had to feed these magical ponies in my backpack and myself because all they had was my fucking cookies and all I had was chips and a doughnut for the day. I shouldn't buy them shit just for that, stealing my god damn cookies, but they had the power that I needed, it would be all worth it in the end.