A Human Stumbles Into Equestria

So I fucked up.

Like really fucked up.

Like telling your girlfriend to calm down when's she's on her period, type of fucked up.

Now you may be wondering."Now Nate, you silly billy, what did you do?" Now. I may have done something I'm not proud of. You see, when I was awoken from my dreams. I had expected a nurse.

That's not what I woke up to.

Instead. I woke up to a horse.

Shut up, don't laugh at me.

...Ok so maybe not a horse.... but humans usually don't look like they had unnatural relations with farm animals, ok? So I may have... freaked out. Just a little.

5 minutes ago.

*SCREAM* "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Now I know what your thinking. Wow Nate. You scared the princess so much you made her scream?

No.

No that was me, screaming like a total girl man. Now here I was. Backed into a corner, using a pillow as a shield and that, stand that holds the I.V (you know what I mean.) as a make shift spear.

I'm not proud.

"Now Nate, calm down, You don't wanna hurt yourself." The freak of nature tried to sooth me.

So as I stood there, possibly still on drugs. As the weird horse lady, held her hands forward in a "calm down" gesture, trying to get me to put down my weapons of mass destruction. Of course me being the brave and noble soul I am, did not relent to the enemy.

"Please don't hurt me! I'm so young! ISURRENDERJUSTPLEASEDONTKILLMEWITHYOURHORN!"

Ok. So maybe I'm not so noble.

Shut up. Don't laugh. It's not funny.

I'm serious. If you were in my position, what the fuck would you do? Probably not much better. So fuck off, I think I made the best possible choice at the time.

The lady blinked at me.

I blinked back.

She blinked again.

The uncontrollable silence made me even more on edge.

She finally spoke. "I'm not going to hurt you Nate. I just want to ask you a few questions, that's all."

Nate blinked "questions?... wait a minute.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!!"  I asked.

"You told me, I just want to-"

I once again, yelled at her.

"I DONT KNOW YOU! I NEVER MET YOU BEFORE! HOW TO YOU KNOW MY NAME!." I oh so calmly asked.

The lady blinked, then slowly brought her hands down. "You were found injured in the forest, the elements found you there. Now. I just want to get some answers-"

Ok. So in my panicked state,  I did not pay attention to a dam thing she said. However what I did notice, was her slowing inching her way towards me.

I realized I had dropped my weapon, and only defence.

So I reacted.

I reacted in the most professional, eloquent way I could.

*SCREAM*

*SMACK*

....The back hand I just created was the most beautiful, and powerful thing anyone has ever seen. Not even whales diving over rainbows could compete with the majestic power of this bitch slap. It was like watching magic unfold, as if time stopped.

And for some reason all I could think of was the lucky charms guy going "their magically delicious."

....for some reason.

Probably the drugs.

Yeah.

However. Just as time stopped, it sped up up again. and I watched the lady's head be thrown back so far, it looked as if her neck broke. However she did not move a single muscle, stumble, or even make a sound.

She stood there. As her head slowing starting lower back down from looking at the ceiling. I got a good look at her face.

And collectively shit myself.

She had no emotion, just a look in her eye I could not explain. Her face did not move. But then I noticed blood, slowing making its way down from a small cut on her lip.

I also noticed she had gotten close to me, and my other hand was on a very personal part of her chest. I saw her face morph into that of anger.

I also noticed the crown.

"Oh, fuck."

Oh fuck indeed. You just had fucked with the wrong person now, didn't you Nate? Well. I always wondered if there was an after life. I guess now, I'll get to find out.

Now. Third person.

"PLEASE, IM SORRY! DONT KILL ME!" Nate was practically thrown through the door of the room. As he hit the ground, he hazily look up, to see other freaks of nature, staring at him.

"Hehe, umm.. what's up?" That's when he heard foot steps behind him. And like a demon of death.

She walks out.

"Get out of the hall." She was staring at him. but her voice was directed at the others around us. No one questioned it.

The calmness in her voice caused a shiver to run up Nates spine.

"Explain yourself." She spoke.

"Err. Um... I-I- I'm s-sorry?" He started to shake.

She smiled.

"Thank you."

What.

"is this woman fucking bipolar?" Just as he finished those thoughts. She grabbed him from the collar of his shirt and started to drag him back inside the room. And sat him on his bed.

"Now, we will forget this ever happened." She said.

Nate bobbed his head up and down.

"And we will start over, from the beginning, and you will give me an answer to my questions."

He once again, shook his head yes.

She once again smiled.

"Good."

"this women fucking creeps me out." Nate thought as he gulped and started to get comfortable.

"My name. Is princess Celestia. And I-"

A very long and boring talk later.

"Ok... So... you managed to land yourself in one of the most dangerous forests in all of Equestria. And it happened... While you were drunk?" Celestia sounded like she thought this was either the worst lie ever. Or the best story ever told.

Nate shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah..." he spoke in a soft sigh. "Not one of my greatest moments..."

She cracked a smile. "This is great."

"Don't laugh! It's to my fault that I woke up half drunk in a forest." He said.

She giggled. "I know, it's just... I never heard something like that ever happening. I mean seriously?"

"Hey, I wasn't trying to get lost in a forest, drunk, and bleeding."

She stopped giggling.

"How are you feeling? I know you had to take sedatives, because of your injuries." She softly spoke in a motherly tone.

"Oh... I think I'm ok, a little sore." Then he realized something. "How long was I out for?" He was genuinely curious.

"Almost a day and a half, or about 36 hours." She said.

"Wow, and I thought it would have been longer. That must have been some good medicine you gave me." He whispered.

She smiled proudly.

"The doctors here at Ponyvile are some of the best." Celestia practically radiated happiness.

Nate scoffed. "I still think that is a stupid name." He wishperd quietly.

Oh yeah. In that totally long talk that you've seen a hundred times. We talked about who Nate was, and who she was.

He was embarrassed to know he smacked a monarch.

However, you should have seen his reaction to the explanation of magic.

"oh, fuck off." he laughed. He saw her expression.

"oh my god, your serious are you. she nodded.

"Prove it." and prove she did.

"Nate?" Celestia spoke, shaking him from his memory.

"Eh? What?"

"I want you to meet my student, when you get approval to leave from the doctors." She said.

He raised an eyebrow. As if sensing his confusion she finished.

"My student was one of the ones who helped you." She explained.

"Oh." He nodeed his head.

"But first." She looked out the window to see it was about thim to lower the sun. "You need to sleep. You will greet her tomorrow."

Nate nodded, and yawned.

"Ok." He said as he started to lay back down on in hospital bed.

"If you have any problems. Just call for the nurse, she will helped you." She told him.

"Got it." He said.

"Goodnight Nate, may you have a great sleep, thank you for answering my questions."

"Your welcome princess." He yawned again.

She nodded and started to make her leave.

"Oh, and Nate?" She stopped to say.

"Yeah?"

"Watch were you put your hands please." She teased.

"R-right, sorry." He stammers.

She giggled. "Goodbye, Nate." And with that she left.

"What a strange women." Thought before he drifted off into a blissful sleep.