“Cursed ponies!” you exclaim. “Those treacherous little devils will get what’s coming to them, they will!”
You pace about the open room, rubbing your hands together maniacally, sinking deeper and deeper into your evil thoughts and plans for ponykind.
“They think they can rule this land? Preposterous! Humans once ruled this land, and we will do so once more! Discord may have risen to power, and those so-called princesses may have taken it away from him, but another revolution is in the making! We humans will not stand for this oppression any longer!”
You laugh to yourself, getting pumped from listening to your own speech. It’s brilliant thus far, as everything you do is. Your ancestors would be so proud of you! That is, if they were still alive, but they’re not, as most people’s ancestors are.
“Those two royal sisters will be cast out by our righteousness!” you shout, fist in the air. “They are weak! Stupid! And will easily be defeated by me! Future Lord King of all the human race! That is, once I get the Elements of Harmony. With them, I will retake this once great land for all of us humans! Mwah ha ha!”
“You done monologuing yet?” Twilight Sprinkle asks, sounding bored and irritated as ever while attempting to read a book. She’s a small magenta colored unicorn, with a dark purple mane with a gold strip in the middle of it and a tail to match. Her mane is slightly dotted with white specks and on her cheeks are several white freckles to match.
“Shut up, Twilight, you nerd.”
“I can’t believe I slept with you.”
“Well believe it, ‘cause it happened, and you loved every second of it.”
“Yeah, all 30 seconds of it.”
“It was at least a full minute.”
“What I enjoyed even more than that was you crying after I-”
“I was not crying!” you defend. “Something just… flew into my eye, or something…”
“Yeah? Something-”
“Shutup, Twilight! Gosh, you’re so f-ing annoying.”
“Can you get out of my house now? Seriously, can you like, go get a job? Do something with your life?”
“Oh my gosh, Twilight, seriously, shut your tiny pony mouth for like two seconds! I’m kind of in the middle of something here!”
She rolls her giant pony eyes, turning back to her nerd book.
“Foolish pony,” you continue monologuing to yourself, glaring at Twilight who is trying hard to ignore you. “She will be lucky to join my harem if I allow it!”
Twilight rolls her eyes, hearing you but not paying direct attention to you.
“She’s a 6/10 at best, anyway,” you rate, eyeing her up and down, having always thought her butt is too big. “With my ingenious plan, I will destroy those princesses. I will sneak in, steal the Elements of Harmony, and kill them! It’s foolproof!”
You laugh heartily by yourself, standing up as straight as possible, looking as masculine as you can.
“I’ve never been to the castle, but I’m sure finding the Elements will be no problem for a human as smart as I! Ponies are weak and they should be made to fear the strong! Humanity will gain its rightful place as masters of the world. I will be King! How powerful could these princesses even be if their rulers declared themselves as ‘princesses’? Are they not aware they could be Queen? Queen is higher than princess, duh. What simple minded fools! Once I declare myself King, I will immediately outrank them! My plan is genius!”
You laugh and look over at Twilight, secretly hoping she’s paying attention to you. Tragically, she’s more interested in her dumb nerd pony book because she’s a dumb nerd pony. Her not paying attention to you is making you mad.
“Those princesses will not live long enough to see me as King… Or! Maybe I should let them see me as King, and then kill them right after. That would humiliate them! Mwah ha ha! I haven’t killed anything before, but how hard could it be? Just think of how loved and respected I’d be if I succeeded! Everyone will love me! They’ll build statues of me! Sing songs of me! I will live on for eternity! And all the babes will want me! That’ll show you, Twilight, you dumb nerd,” you mumble, not loud enough for her to hear. Her ear twitches while she turns a page in her book.
“I don’t know why girls don’t like me,” you grumble, still looking at Twilight’s dumb, gorgeous, nerd face. “They refuse to talk to me. Even after I honor them by showing them my prized marble collection! Oh, but they will! They will love me! And soon. I will be their King! I will have a harem! And I’m not going to invite Twilight!”
Still, she doesn’t respond, having gotten accustomed to your annoying habits of rambling and screaming like a lunatic.
“Who would want Twilight anyhow? She’s just a dumb, nerdy, ugly, fat, cute, smart, perfect pony… Human girls are better anyway… Stupid loser jerk!”
Twilight glares at her book, still not looking at you but clearly becoming more annoyed by hearing your voice. She never gives you the attention you deserve, so she doesn’t deserve a future King like you!
“I’m going to go overthrow the government,” you declare, grabbing your jacket and heading towards the door.
“Take your scarf,” Twilight calls.
“Take your scarf,” you say, mimicking Twilight’s stupid pony voice. “Scarves are for ponies and losers.”
“So take your scarf.”
“I’m not a p- Hey!” you grumble. “Whatever, nerd, have fun with your stupid book and your stupid self.”
“Hey, pick up some milk on the way home, ‘kay?”
“Yes,” you sigh exasperatedly. “I’ll pick you up some milk, you cow.”
“Thanks.”
“... I love you.”
“Yup.”
With that, you turn and leave the house, leaving your pony girlfriend behind. You call her your pony girlfriend, but she refuses to call you her human boyfriend. She also refuses to be seen with you in public.
But whatever. Soon she will be bowing down and kissing your feet! Now it’s just a walk to the castle, and before you know it, Twilight will be begging to get in your pants!
==========
As it turns out, the castle is way farther from Twilight’s house than you thought. It looks so close because it’s massive, but it’s actually like, two miles away. That’s a really long way to walk.
Sweet Jesus, have you ever worked out?
“My lack of physical shape is the fault of ponies!” you exclaim in the middle of the deserted street. “They will be made to suffer! I cannot abide-”
“Shut the fuck up!” a random voice calls from one of the adjacent apartments.
“You shut the fuck up, dumb pony!”
“I’m a human, shit dick!”
“Oh, my bad!”
This walk is never ending, but with all great struggles come great reward! You will be King very soon, so if walking uphill is what you must do, then so be it! This is for the good of all humans!
“I will rule!” you whisper harshly to yourself, not trying to wake anybody up. “I will be the boss! I will make the rules! Everyone will love me! I can sleep in everyday! Twilight won’t be able to nag me anymore! She can’t tell me to get a job! I can nag her instead, see how she likes it! I’ll tell her to stop being an annoying little nerd all the time! That’ll show her…”
You remark internally about how clean the streets have become. When Discord ruled, the streets will full of chocolate syrup, glue, fish, and other assortments of random crap. It was impossible to go to the convention center for the marble tournaments they had. It was a dark time.
Everything looks a lot cleaner now. It’s remarkable, actually, the difference a year makes. The buildings look much better too. When Discord ruled, most of the buildings were upside down or full of jello.
But the princesses sure did clean up the place.
And the streets are a lot safer now. Oh goodness, they’re so much safer now. You remember you got jumped once going to the convention center. You had your prized marble stolen, and it’s never been returned.
But now look! It’s the middle of the night and you’re walking down the street without a care in the world! It’s amazing how safe the city has become.
Think of how much better things will be with you as King! If ponies could do all this, imagine what a human could do!
==========
This castle is absolutely massive, now that you’re standing in front of it. You’ve never been this close to it.
It’s absolutely mind boggling how this entire place was built in one year. Literally, one year. That’s what stupid pony magic will get you. You wouldn’t be surprised if the entire place crumbles in the next few months.
“Ponies can’t build anything that lasts,” you reason out loud, looking up at the castle walls that must be hundreds of feet high. “Pony engineers are dumb. Pony craftsmanship is rubbish! I will tear this castle down and rebuild it with humans! That’d be a castle worth living in!”
You walk up to the gates of the castle where two guards are standing, presumably ready to keep you from entry.
“I will use my powers of persuasion to infiltrate,” you reason aloud to yourself. “These fools will let me in without a hitch… Greetings, gentlecolts!” you greet, walking up to the guards.
But they don’t respond. How dare they! Stupid little ponies! How dare they ignore their future King!
Of course, after tonight, they will all be fired, so it makes sense for them to be bad at their jobs already. It’ll make firing them even more justifiable.
“Ahem… I said, ‘Greetings, gentlecolts’!” you repeat, but they continue paying you no mind. “How - How rude! Insufferable ponies! How dare you-”
*Snore*
You stop dead in your tracks hearing the loud noise emitted from one of the guards. You take a few steps in, getting right in the guard’s face and realize something…
“He’s sleeping on the job!” you announce, somehow not waking the guy up. “And so is he!” you observe of the other guard. “Lazy good for nothing ponies! Their incompetence will be their downfall!”
You walk in between them and into the castle courtyard.
“Idiot ponies! I will destroy-”
With that, you trip on your shoe laces and fall to the ground, landing directly onto your chin and biting your tongue.
“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!” you yell, grabbing your mouth and rolling over.
“Whazzat?!” one of the guards pops up, suddenly awakening. In a panic, you scramble into a hedge in front of the castle doors, trying to hide. “Who’s there?!”
Meanwhile, the other guard continues to snore away, still asleep. The guard who’s awake slaps him, waking him up too.
“Ow! What? I’m awake!”
“Well, stay that way then! We’re guarding, not sleeping.”
“You were sleeping too!”
“Shh! Shut up, just, keep an eye out.”
“Good,” you whisper to yourself. “It appearth they didn’n thee me,” you say, your tongue feeling numb. It really hurts.
“You hear something?” one of the guards asks.
“No! Shut up!” the other snaps.
Outwardly monologuing isn’t a great idea, but it’s a force of habit, so you can’t help it. Hopefully these ponies will leave or be taken away by other business. You’re peering out of the hedge, able to see the back of the guard’s at the gate while you contemplate when you should make your move.
These guards are supposed to be highly trained, so being caught by them would certainly foil your plans early. That wouldn’t do. You must play it safe.
It’s actually miraculous you’ve gotten this far. Sure, these are stupid ponies and you’re a powerful human, but to actually be in the confines of the castle is a slight surprise. There have been much less well secured government buildings you’ve failed to break into, so getting into the home of the princesses on the first try is unbelievable.
*Snore*
Did that guy just fall back asleep?
*Snore*
Did they both just fall back asleep?
“Thtupid ponieth!” you exclaim in triumph. “It wath only a matter of thime before they let themthelveth down! Mwah ha ha!”
You triumphantly stroll out of the hedge, your foot getting caught on a vine causing you to stumble. You manage to hold your footing, though, quickly looking around to make sure no one saw that.
Thankfully, no one saw you stumble, so you stand proudly as if it never happened. With that, you scamper inside the castle itself, coming into a large entry room. The ceiling must be a hundred feet high, held up by beautiful corinthian columns.
“Wha a dreadful plathe,” you manage with your numb and bleeding tongue. “Human architecthure ith muchth more pleathing to the eye.”
Foolish ponies. They think tall buildings and marble are all it takes to look fancy. The fools! When you’re King, the buildings will be tall, made of marble, and have hoes in them! Your harem will know no bounds!
Now it’s time for finding the Elements of Harmony. Actually getting into this castle was pretty easy, so getting these Elements will be a piece of cake for a human like you! You’re a genius!
“Oh thit!” you attempt to curse, noticing a guard walking down the hall. You quickly dart behind a marble column, out of sight from the approaching enemy. He trudges by, eyes half closed, tiredly doing his duty.
Half your mind wants to kill the pony, as it’ll be one less problem for you later. It’d be easy, as your human strength far surpasses that of a weak earth pony! You could kill him to death if you so pleased!
Perhaps it is your merciful side showing, but you decide not to kill this unsuspecting pony. He will get what’s coming to him soon enough.
Perhaps they’ll call you the merciful king? That’s a pleasing title, you think.
Once the guard pases, you go up the hall he came from, searching for corridors or something that indicates where the elements may be.
Either the elements are on display for the citizens to see as they tour the castle during the day, or they’re hidden away for no one to find and use against the princesses. Both options are entirely plausible.
Twilight probably told you where they were at some point, but you don’t listen to her. Dumb fatty.
None of the lights are on in this part of the castle, so you’re left to roam freely in the dark, which is fine. With your natural human stealth powers, getting around undetected is simple. These foolish ponies are in for a long night!
That is, once the elements are actually located.
You creep your way down another long corridor, and, using your human powers of super sight, find a sign that reads “Elements of Harmony,” with an arrow pointing to the left.
“Foolth!” you exclaim. “They may ath well give me their kingdom on a thilver platther!”
You follow the signs with your superb human navigational skills and find a long expanse of a room. At one end stands you, bleeding out of your mouth and wide eyed. On the other end sit the famed Elements of Harmony, shining in the darkness, practically calling to you.
“Bingo!” you shout, your voice echoing off the walls. It matters not if any guards hear you now, you actually hope they do. The sooner they get down here, the sooner you can turn them all into dust!
You slowly strut your way through the corridor, already feeling like a King. You can almost feel the immense weight of your massive future crown on your head.
How every pony in Equestria will fear you! How every person in Equestria will respect you! You will be the greatest King ever! It’s great no human had this idea before you, otherwise you wouldn’t be King in a few minutes.
Your future kingdom will be beautiful! It’ll be a vast enterprise of scientific discovery! No more of this magic bull crap! There is only room for human advancement in your kingdom.
But some ponies can be in your harem. Twilight can if she begs. But that’s something to worry about later.
As you approach the Elements of Harmony, a gleeful smile spreads across your face, knowing your long journey is about to come to an end. It’s almost time to become a king.
You reach out to grab the elements, but something feels… too easy…
Surely there has to be something you’re missing. Surely. Why would these elements be so unprotected? Unguarded? Out in the open? With no magical boundary?
Ponies are even stupider than you thought! How marvelous! This is just too easy!
You reach your hand towards the Elements but you stop dead in your tracks as you hear someone whistling. You turn your attention down the corridor as the vague outline of a pony begins coming your way.
In a panic, you literally throw yourself behind the block the elements are displayed upon and curl up, hoping not to be spotted.
“Back to the old grind,” the voice sighs contentedly.
“Curtheth!” you whisper harshly to yourself. This guard may be coming to foil your plans for eventual world domination, but he stands no chance against your superior human fighting skills.
The guard resumes his whistling as he continues slowly approaching the elements. You prepare yourself to spring out in surprise and attack this guard while he’s unprepared.
As his hoofsteps draw nearer and nearer, you patiently wait, as any good human would, and…
“A-ha!” you yell, as you pounce from the back of the block, revealing yourself.
“Ah!” the guard yelps in alarm, not having expected you to surprise him a you did.
“I thcared you, huh?!” you boast, standing proudly before your heavy breathing enemy, sufficiently scared. “Ye simply minded pony, who-”
You stop speaking as you look at what the golden clad guard is holding under his leg. If your eyes don’t deceive you, and they certainly wouldn’t because they’re perfect human eyes, the guard is holding a roll of toilet paper and an… adult magazine.
“Were you mathturbating on duty?” you ask in astonishment.
“N-No!” the guard stutters. “I was - Hey! What’re you doing here?! This is a private area! You’re under arrest!”
“Oh yeah?” you flash a cocky grin, reaching for the Elements of Harmony. “How about now?!”
You grab ahold of the elements, finally preparing to conquer your future kingdom!
The second you touch them, a great surge of magic shoots out in all directions, sending you and the guard flying into the wall, making you bite your tongue again in the same spot and knocking you unconscious.
==========
You awake exact 4 seconds later with a massive headache and an even more sore tongue. Suddenly, the world seems to be spinning as your head throbs again and again.
You attempt a brief monologue on the necessary struggle of great achievements of great men, but the second you open your mouth, blood comes flowing out and onto the shirt you’ve been wearing for 3 days straight.
The only thing worse than the pain in your face is not being able to monologue about it. Cursed ponies! They have once again shown their cruelty to mankind! They must be dealt with.
And if the dumb nerd Twilight did your laundry like you told her to, you’d be bleeding on a shirt you liked less!
The guard who was also blown into the wall remains unconscious, as his weak pony body cannot handle levels of stress and pain as you, a superior human, can.
Feeling a newfound sense of purpose, you shakily rise to your feet, the world spinning faster now. But, for a human like you, it’s hardly an issue. It’s only a matter of time before more guards come investigate, so you must harness the power of the elements as soon as possible!
You walk unsteadily towards the elements, using all your power as a human to keep yourself properly balanced.
Alas, those efforts are in vain as you trip over your feet and fall head first into the slab that holds up the elements, smashing your face into the marble.
“Thit!” you groan, trying to yell ‘shit.’ You push off the ground to rise to your feet once more, now completely unable to feel your face, finally coming face to face with the Elements of Harmony.
You’re a little afraid of touching them again, as they just violently threw you into a wall a minute ago, but you don’t have any better ideas. So, throwing caution to the wind, you reach down and grab the elements…
And nothing happens. Excellent! Perhaps the force field thing was a one time deal. Good news for you!
“There was certainly a disturbance,” a voice is heard from down the hallway. Before you have time to react, two large forms come trotting into the corridor with their horns alight, illuminating the area.
“My nemethitheth!” you exclaim, gathering all of the elements into your arms, preparing to harness their magic for use against these tyrants!
“Halt, human!” the dark princess loudly demands, but she is not your princess, and neither is her sister, so you pay them no mind. “We command you to halt!”
“Never!” you exclaim defiantly, turning to them, brandishing all the elements.
“Drop those Elements, human, or suffer the consequences!”
You laugh evilly, as you have prepared for many months. “Thimple minded ponieth! I am here to dethtroy you! Your kingdom will bow down to me! And it thartth now!”
You hold the elements aloft in front of you, taking precise aim at the evil princesses standing foolishly before you. They are simple targets, and will soon be nothing.
“Prepare to die!” you exclaim, ready to shoot your magic. You turn your head to the side, not wanting to be blinded by the light, and then…!
Nothing happens.
“What?” you ask yourself. “Hold on.”
You shake your hands a bit, trying to get the elements to work, but nothing happens. No magic whatsoever is happening.
“It thinks it can use magic,” the white one remarks, amused.
“Be quiet flabby butt!”
“Flabby butt?!” she asks in astonishment.
“Thethe thtupid thingth won’t work! Utheleth pony magic! No matter! You will thtill be defeated! You will both bow down to - Ow! Fuck!” you yelp after biting your tongue in the same spot again.
“Are you alright?” the dumb white horse asks.
“No I’m not alright, be quiet!” you demand, silencing the faux princess. “Ath I wath thaying, I-”
“Do you need medical assistance?”
“No! Thtop that! I - W-Wait,” you stutter, trying to recompose yourself. “Hold on, pthease, I had thith whole thing planned, I have a thpeech.”
“A thpeech?” the white horse princess asks in confusion.
“No, a thpeech!” you correct.
“What the hell is it saying?” the white horse asks its darker counterpart.
“Nothing important,” the dark horse replies, bored. “Can We kill him now?”
“No, let’s see what it does first.”
“Foolith pony printhetheth!” you try, getting back in the groove of things. You mentally wrote this speech when you could still pronounce the letter “s,” so now you’ve learned that saying “princesses” is an awful idea. It’s embarrassing actually, but you have to keep going. You’re in too deep. “I will conquer your empire! I will be king! You will be reduthed to atheth dutht!”
You never realized how many words have the letter “s” in them until now. God damn your tongue hurts.
“We grow tired of this imbecile,” the dark princess proclaims. “We will kill him now.”
“Don’t kill him,” the white one says. “Banish him, perhaps.”
“Not execute? He seeks to do away with us!”
“But just look at the poor boy! He’s clearly retarded.”
“Retarded?” you ask in astonishment. “I motht thertainly am not! I am your king! How dare you inthult your king! Pony kind will tremble before me!”
“Oh, you’re not mentally handicapped, dear?”
“Of courthe not!”
“Oh… Okay then, Luna, go ahead and kill him.”
“...Wait what?”
A dark magic surrounds your body as you’re viciously thrown across the room, causing you to drop every element you were just holding. You become visibly nervous and even scared as you realize this plan has failed massively, and now you’re going to die because of it.
The dark magic thrusts you a hundred feet until you suddenly stop no more than an inch away from the dark princess’ face, who looks terrifyingly amused.
“Oh god oh god oh god oh god-” you wheeze, trying to catch your breath and calm your increasing heart rate, but to no avail. As it turns out, this was a terrible idea and you now regret every life choice you’ve ever made.
“Pleathe thpare me!” you cry, shutting your eyes and pleading pathetically for your life. If only Twilight were here! How you suddenly miss the little pone.
You don’t want to be killed! You have so much to live for (probably)! But you really don’t want to be thrown in prison! You’ll be bummed!
You’ll be bummed right in the bum! Oh the horrors!
“How did he get in here anyway?” you hear the white one ask, but you’re crying too much to give a genuine answer.
“Look at Us!” demands the dark horse that’s holding you. “Look at Us!"
You control your whimpering for a just long enough to open your eyes, only to come face to face with…
The most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen…
“W-Wow,” you breathe, becoming encaptured by this woman’s shining blue eyes. No matter how hard you attempt to tear your gaze from her, you fail, as if she has you under a spell.
Your heart skips a beat and flutters, having completely forgotten about the terror and anxiety you were feeling 3 seconds ago as you now feel yourself…
...falling in love…
Her mane is flowing and twinkling in the darkness. Her large wings slightly unfurl, showing you her size and beauty in every extent. There is no stopping it now, you’re leaving Twilight for this mare at once! Her sheer beauty has you transfixed and there is no escaping this feeling, try as you might.
You must reach out and touch this mare, and you would if you could, but you remain gripped tightly by her. Perhaps she’s feeling the same way you are? She most definitely is. I mean, look at you! You’re a stud!
You must marry this woman. Or, at least touch her butt with both hands. And maybe your face.
“Putting an idiot to death seems wrong,” the dark horse tells you with a smile, and you can feel her warm, minty breath wash over your face. Oh how you love her! “So… 1,000 years on the moon will suffice.”
“Wha - Sister?” the white one asks in surprise. “That seems harsh, don’t you-”
There’s a great flash of light and suddenly you’re weightless… Suddenly, you’re nowhere… Suddenly, there’s nothing…
==========
You awake either 4 seconds or 100 years afterwards, lying flat on your back in the coldest environment you’ve yet experienced. The ground is rough and rocky and uncomfortable, so you make an effort to stand up.
It appears to still be night time, by the looks of things, so you mustn’t have been asleep for very long.
You still feel very dizzy and confused from your eventful night, you muse inwardly, as your tongue still hurts too much to monologue. It wouldn’t do to embarrass yourself in front of your new future wife: the dark horse princess lady, whatever her name is.
You wipe the wetness from your cheeks and eyes, having now officially stopped crying. Looking around, you attempt to get your bearings only to discover…
You have no idea where you are. None of these landmarks look familiar. In fact, everything around you just looks like rock. That’s all you can see. That’s all there is.
Looking up into the sky, you see the normal decorations that accompany the night sky: the stars, the comets, the earth…
What? The earth? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…
In a panic, you twist around, looking at everything around, the pieces slowly connecting in your head: the cold, the rocks, the fact that the dark horse said she’s going to put you on the moon for 1,000 years…
“I’m on the moon,” you announce to yourself, but no one else is around to hear it. You are on the fucking moon…
“Oh thit!”
Author's Note
I wrote this a couple hours ago, figured I'd throw it on here, see what y'all think. I find it entertaining
“Nooo!” you cry helplessly, running around in circles in the vast expanse of nothingness that is your new home. Everytime you push off the ground you fly through the air as if gravity has somehow lessened. “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!”
As you float across the sky, you stare back at the earth, concentrating as hard as possible on it so that you may return to it.
Alas, that effort is for not, as you remain stranded on the moon.
“Surely I’m dreaming! There has to be some kind of mistake! There’s gotta be something I’m missing! I’m not supposed to be here! I’m not supposed to be here!”
You kick the surface of the moon as hard as you can, sending you flying into the air before you slowly float back down.
“Oh no,” you whimper pathetically. “Oh no! This isn’t happening! This can’t be real! None of this is real!”
You shut your eyes as tightly as you can and imagine your bedroom, trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare. Opening your eyes a few moments later, you notice nothing has changed.
“No! This is wrong! This isn’t right!”
==========
“This is complete bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!” you scream, picking up a rock and throwing it at the earth. “This is bullshit! I hate this stupid moon! I hate those stupid ponies who put me here! I hate everything! Everything! Everything! What am I supposed to do now?!”
Your words are left unheard by every being in the universe except you.
“Dumb ponies! They got lucky, that’s all! If that blue horse didn’t put me under some kinda spell, I would’ve slapped her right across her long face! They’re lucky to be alive right now! You hear me?! You’re lucky to be alive!”
The earth shows no immediate signs of having heard your pained ramblings, but that doesn’t deter you.
“When I return, and I shall return! I will kill every pony in the world! Ponies will know true fear when they see my return! I will use my superior human intellect to escape this cursed rock and then wreak havoc on my enemies! Mwah ha ha!”
==========
“Gods! Hear me!” you cry, tears rolling down your cheeks with you on your knees and your hands up to heavens. “If you see it in your mercy to return me to my kingdom, I will sacrifice unto you all the ponies in the world! S-Surely there is no greater gift a man can offer!”
You gaze up to the heavens but continue to receive no replies. But surely someone out there must be listening to you. They have to!
“I can give you the world!” you scream. “I can give you all you desire! And then some! I will be your grateful pawn on earth! I will be a prophet of destruction or good, whatever you desire! Use me as your puppet for all time! But please! Please return me to my k-king-d-dom! Wah!”
You cry, wiping at your eyes so the gods don’t see you in such a pathetic state. Surely they will look unfavorably on a coward, so you must try to be strong.
But it isn’t working, so you cry harder.
“I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I hate it here! I want to go home!”
You kick at the moon, hoping that if you destroy it you will return to earth, but it shows no sign of moving.
“Gods help me. Gods help me! Return me to my rightful kingdom, and I will give unto you! I will give everything! I will give myself! Use me as you will! But get me out of here! Please!”
==========
“Oh, man, this would happen to me, a total screw up,” you grumble, clutching the sides of your head while you sit on a rock, holding back tears. The crying is giving you a headache. “How could I be so stupid? The gods won’t save me. No one will save me. No one cares about me. No one cares I’m up here all alone. No one cares about me.”
You pick up a rock and sadly toss it a few feet away, watching it roll.
“I’m so stupid. I should’ve listened to Twilight. I didn’t even bring home milk like she asked me to… I’m so useless. It’s for the best I’m up here. At least now I can’t screw anything up or get in anyone’s way… Everyone is better off with me up here. Nobody will even notice I’m gone…”
==========
“I proclaim myself: Lord King of the Moon! All of those who come under my dominian will be my subjects and have to live under my rule! Because I’m king! Mwah ha ha!”
You stand tall, hands on your hips as you gaze proudly upon your new empire of rock. It’s a bit of a fixer upper, but it’s yours. It’s all yours!
“This is my new home! I will live here! I will flourish here! I own the entirety of the moon! No pony can boast such an accomplishment! What a tremendous day for human achievement! I will go down in the history books for all eternity. They’ll call me ‘Lord King of the Moon’ from now until the end of time!”
The moon is actually better than the earth in one key aspect: the relative lack of gravity. Most ponies back on earth had impeccable balance because of their 4 legs. You had poor balancing skills, and were often picked on because of it.
But here? It takes you so long to trip over that you’ll never fall! It’s a paradise!
“And no ponies will be allowed here! This is a no pony zone! Only humans and badasses like me will have the honor of gracing the surface of this beloved moon! The earth has only one moon, and I own it! Every feat of conquest and victory pales in comparison to what I have achieved today! I am conqueror of the unconquerable! I am a god!”
==========
“Well, that was a fun way to pass 15 minutes. Only 1,000 years to go.”
Juggling was difficult on earth, but up here, it’s not a problem! You’re excellent at it, as a matter of fact. Just toss up a rock, wait a few seconds, and back down it comes again! Simple stuff.
Of course, juggling is simple for you, because you are a superior human, and not some stupid pony. Ponies don’t even have fingers because ponies suck.
==========
“Twilight was right,” you shiver, “I should’ve brought my dumb scarf.”
You sit on a rock, huddling as far into your jacket as you can, remarking on how cold it’s getting. At least your tongue feels better.
“The cold may dissuade some, but not I! My empire may be going through a bit of a cold spell at the moment, but this is no problem! Not for someone like me! Not for a conqueror! Not for a god!”
You shiver, steeling yourself for the oncoming winter. You don’t know if the moon is warmer or colder depending on the month, but you’ll find out eventually.
“If I could have wielded the Elements of Harmony to their full power, those cowards who dare call themselves princesses would be dust! Literally! I would have literally turned them into dust! And their stupid castle too! I would’ve turned them and their stupid castle into dust!”
You take a deep, reflective breath, watching the earth slowly turn.
“Stupid pony magic doesn’t f-ing working though. I should’ve known. All ponies do is lie, so I should’ve known those elements were just a bunch of glowing rocks that don’t do anything. Stupid lying ponies and their deceitful nature! All they do is lie. Just look at this! The earth is spinning, just like humans have always said! That big butt white princess thinks she raises the sun because her ass is as big as it.”
If only these ponies were standing before you so they may be roasted by your insults. They would surely be unable to stand in your presence after being so handily verbally opposed!
“And don’t get me started on that other one,” you say to nobody. “That dark one. The one with the shiny eyes and hair. She was trying to seduce me! She put me under some kind of witchcraft so I’d be too busy thinking she was pretty to fight her."
You begin pacing, trying to get some of your extra energy expended.
“I’m glad to be rid of Twilight. No, really, I am! All she did was nag me and make fun of me. We had sex like, once, and she loved it, but she refuses to admit it! But perhaps she can’t help it. Ponies are liars by nature, so she has to lie at all times. That just means I am a sex god!”
You run up and kick a rock, watching it skip along surface of the moon.
"Twilight will never find a greater lover than I! She will soon discover the error of her ways, mistreating me. That is, if she hasn't realized it yet!"
Perhaps you should turn your attention to another matter for a while.
==========
“What this place needs is a castle! Just like the one those tyrants had!”
You walk across the surface of the moon, trying to find a nice place to begin construction of such a palace.
“If they had one, I must have an even bigger one! The moon is pretty droll, not a whole lot to see, but that’ll change very soon! Once I get a palace built, that’s all anyone will talk about! A palace on the moon! How amazing is that?!”
Now it’s just a matter of finding a flat piece of land and getting the materials together.
“I guess it’d have to be made of lunar rocks. I don’t see a hardware store around here anywhere. Guess I’ll have to build it myself. I don’t know how, but how hard could it be? If ponies do it, I can! I can do it… tomorrow! Tomorrow is a great day for building things.”
You try to find a nice place to lie down for a nap. There are no beds here, so the rocks will have to do. You try your best to get comfy, and even though it’s incredibly uncomfortable, you tell yourself otherwise.
“This will just take some getting used to. It’s cold and hard but it’s my kingdom, so I’ll get used to it.”
You sigh, nestling in for the night. Or day. Or whatever time it is.
“Tomorrow will be a better day. I will get to building my palace, and everyone will be jealous,” you yawn. “I will be king and everyone will love me.”
Author's Note
No this is not meant to be taken seriously (yet at least).
This has gotten pretty bad feedback, especially compared to my other stories.
That was the most uncomfortable 2 day nap you’ve ever had. When you nap, it’s important to nap for as long as possible, to build up energy, and you did so you could build your palace.
Nevertheless, it was most uncomfortable. After you build the palace you’ll have to build a mattress.
“How well rested I feel!” you exclaim, enjoying the sound of your own voice. “I am ready to tackle the challenges that lie ahead, as any good human would! It’s a good thing I’m not hungry and I can breathe and appear to be able to carry on with life as normal! I’ll roll with it. Never question a good thing. Now time to find a find the perfect place for my palace!”
It’s imperative to you that you find the most regal place on the entire moon for a good place for the castle. You have the entire moon to choose from, so you’ll take your time and search.
“What an excellent day to be a human on the moon! And to be King of the Moon! It’s a good thing I’m a human and King of the Moon, then. So many places to go to, so many things to see! Life is looking up!”
You smile brightly to yourself as you gaze across your kingdom. It’s nothing short of a masterpiece. Being the overlord of such a wonderful area makes you swell with pride.
“This is certainly the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me! No Twilight! No evil princesses! No ponies whatsoever! The human population far outnumbers the ponies now! What a utopia! I couldn’t be happier! This is the place I-... What is that?”
A foreign object pokes out in your peripheral vision. This object, unlike the rest of the moon, is not a rock, and therefore blatantly stands out in a way you simply cannot ignore. Your eye is drawn to this distant object.
It’s several hundred meters away, so you cannot tell exactly what it is yet, but from this distance it looks to be black or a dark shade of blue, perhaps.
“What is that?” you ask yourself out loud, beginning another speech. “What a strange thing to see! This perplexes me greatly, I must admit. Even I, a brilliant human, did not anticipate seeing such a foreign object in my domain.”
Indeed, there is something else on the moon with you. Has this object been here? Did it just arrive? You must investigate.
As you take a few steps forward, you notice the object moves, as if it’s walking.
“This is no simple object!” you exclaim dramatically. “This is a creature! A living creature of some variety is trespassing! On my land! I cannot stand for this! I must do as all the great kings have done before me and fight for what is mine!”
You steel yourself to your resolve and march with great determination towards this invading creature, more than ready to vanquish it; with words or with death! You will oblige it both ways.
“How could this creature have gotten here? Perhaps it is another fellow human who was cast out by those evil princesses! In such a case, I will not fight them, but ask them to join my court! Surely if they are in the same predicament as I, a Lordship would be in order!”
That would be very kingly, you think. Nothing shows off being a king quite like having subjects. The first of many, you hope!
But those hopes are quick to fade.
“The beast is on four legs!” you observe. “A pony, then! An inherently evil creature. A shame! But I will do as I must.”
You begin to hear the creature monologuing as you approach, still trying to make out its exact form. What a familiar tone the creature is using.
“Curse thee, Celestia!” the creature roars, pacing. “Enjoy your reign while it lasts, for in 1,000 years, I will retake my position on the throne of Equestria, and make it so the night will last forever! Mwah ha ha!”
“What an evil laugh this creature has,” you say to yourself, still approaching the pony. The moon is really big, so it’s taking a while to get over there. “Truly they are an evil villain, such as I, but certainly not more evil! I must converse with this pony.”
The pony is much larger than the average pony, as the royal sisters were. But this pony is even bigger than they are! This is a pony you oddly don’t recognize, which makes no sense. Surely a pony being nearly twice the size of the royal sisters would make herself known in some capacity.
“How has a large, evil creature surfaced so suddenly?” you wonder.
This intruder looks awfully familiar, you think. It’s almost as though you just saw this pony the other day, but you cannot say for certain.
“I will return!” the large pony booms. “All you have done, Celestia, is give me 1,000 years of planning! So be sure that when I return, you will be destroyed! Your beloved Equestria will be bathed in darkness like it always should have been! You will-”
“Hey!” you call, stopping the intruder’s monologuing. It wasn’t that great of a speech anyway. Certainly not better than any of yours. “What the H. E. Double Hockey Sticks are you doing here?”
“Ah! Yes!” the giant horse proclaims, looking amused to see you. “It’s the human who thinks it can use magic! Ha ha! At least my 1,000 years here will be amusing for a while.”
“Do not insult me, horse!” you kingly command, wondering what she means by her statement regarding magic. “I demand you tell me why you’re here at once!”
“To rule the moon, of course!” she booms, the force of her voice nearly knocking you over.
This freakishly large horse is an alicorn, which immediately strikes you as odd, as you assumed there were only two in existence, as this one is not them. Her fur is a dark black which is contrasted with her light blue shoes, chest plate, and helmet she dons. Her eyes are a light blue as well with a long and thin pupil. Her cutie mark is the moon surrounded by bright purple. It’s a familiar looking mark, you think.
“You cannot do that!” you say, exasperated. “I rule the moon! I am Lord King of the Moon!”
“Well not anymore! I hope you enjoyed your time as king, but that reign has come to end, starting now.”
“You have no power here! I am your King now! And you are in my kingdom!”
“Tis not much of a kingdom!” the horse laughs, gesturing around her. “All I see for miles are piles of rocks and the stupidest human in recorded history.”
“See, that’s just a mean thing to say.”
“My harsh words do not change these circumstances: I am Princess of the Moon! Bow down before me, human!” she demands, standing up straight, trying to look regal, and you hate it. “Kiss my hooves, proclaim me as your Princess, and perhaps I will allow you to live in my future empire as a court jester.”
“No,” you say simply. “I will not allow myself to be demoted. No, that’s stupid.”
“Tis not!” she stamps a hoof. “I will be Princess of Equestria upon my return home! And while here, I am Princess of the Moon.”
“No, you can’t be!”
“I can be whatever I please! I am the Princess!”
“No, because I’m King of the Moon!”
“I did not proclaim myself as King of the Moon, you simpleton! Listen to me as I speak! I am Princess of the Moon!”
“No, you can’t be, because I’m King of the Moon and won’t let you be princess.”
“I do not need your permission!”
“Yes you do because I’m the King. I’m the King, I make the rules.”
“Fine,” she pouts. “Then I am no longer Princess of the Moon. I proclaim myself: Empress of the Moon!”
“Hey!” you yell, crossed. “You can’t do that! I’m already the King!”
“I can do as I please because I’m the Empress.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Life isn’t fair, you nerd!”
“I’m not a nerd,” you defend, hating being called that. “You’re the nerd. And you dress like a drag queen!”
“How dare you!” she snaps, rearing up on her hind legs, but you are not threatened by a big dumb pony.
“You’re not the Empress of the Moon, you’re the Drag Queen of the Moon!”
“I am 100% woman!” she proclaims, shaking her hips and lifting a foreleg up slightly. “And an Empress! Now do as I say! Kneel before me, kiss my hooves, proclaim me as your ruler, and submit to my rule!”
“No,” you pout, crossing your arms. “I’m not gonna do it.”
“You have to do it because I’m the Empress and I told you to!”
“I don’t care what you say because I’m the King and I don’t have to listen to you.”
“Do you see my cutie mark?” the horse asks, turning her big butt towards you. “It’s the fucking moon. Okay? We’re currently on the moon. Okay? Following me? Therefore, the moon is rightfully mine. It is the will of the Gods!”
“No it’s not because I got first dibs.”
“Dibs!” she calls.
“Too late!”
“No matter! This moon is mine by right!”
“No, it’s mine. And I’m not going to do what you say because I only take orders from the King of the Moon.”
Her eyes narrow sharply, trying to pierce your soul and instill fear within you, but your human powers block her mental advances.
“Then you leave me no choice,” she growls, brandishing her sharp teeth and her horn lighting up. She drops her forelegs slightly and aims her horn at you, ready to battle.
“Yeah?” you laugh. “Your weak pony magic has no power here! I have the power! I’m the king! I-”
In that moment, a great surge of energy shoots from the pony’s horn and hits you square in the chest, knocking you flat on your back.
“O-Ow,” you groan, not being able to take a full breath after getting the wind knocked out of you. “That really hurt,” you wheeze.
“Let that be a warning to all who dare oppose me!” she announces as if she’s speaking to a crowd.
“Oh jeez, that really hurt,” you wheeze again, putting a hand on your chest. “I can’t breathe.”
“Submit, human!” the horse demands.
“Ne-ver!” you cry dramatically in pain, like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart, but much, much quieter. “I’m really in a lot of pain... Oh jeez... Oh jeez.”
“Cease your pathetic ramblings and submit! Kiss my hooves or prepare to be destroyed!”
You cough and wheeze, managing to slowly struggle to your feet. Thankfully with the lack of gravity it’s relatively easy to get back up.
Now is the time to show this pony who you are! Now is the time to show this pony what you’re made of! You’re the King of the Moon! You will stand up for your kingdom in the face of all adversity! And you will win!
“Well?” the horse asks impatiently. “Will you submit?”
Defiantly, you stand up as straight as you can, your chest still in pain.
“I will never submit!” you declare through your chest pain. “I will never surrender! This land is mine! I will ne-VER surren-”
“Did your voice just crack?!” the horse laughs heartily, stopping your speech dead in its tracks. “How embarrassing!”
Your face turns red in embarrassment and rage. “I’ will never-”
“Ha ha ha!” she laughs, almost falling down in glee. She stomps her hoof hard against the rocks, enjoying herself quite a lot right now. “Ha ha ha!”
“Stop laughing at me and listen!” you demand, red faced. “I am your King! I deserve respect!”
“Ha ha ha!” she laughs harder, wiping the tears out of her eyes, unable to control herself.
“That’s it! I don’t need this! I’m leaving!” you pout, turning and stomping away from the bully horse.
“It figures my perfect kingdom would be ruined by the presence of ponies,” you grumble to yourself, still hearing the horse laughing in the distance as you trudge away. “Gosh! They have to ruin everything for me!”
You angrily kick a rock, watching it roll away a bit, frustrated with how your kingdom has already been ruined.
“Ugh! I hate them so much! My kingdom was perfect! Everything was going great until that big dumb loser shows up. Gosh!”
You glare back at the horse, whose form you can still barely make out, to notice she still appears to be laughing. That makes you mad.
“I will rise again,” you declare to yourself. “I will destroy that bully of pony. Just wait and see…”
Author's Note
I hope someone is reading this and enjoying it.
The comments for this have been awful
