The Escapades of Edgelord

Damn, it's been a while, eh? Time to write another bad story! Fuck it, let's start in the middle because why not?

A lot has happened since we last heard about our heroine Elana. Well, to put it bluntly, she dead my nigga. She was killed in a drive-by shooting on ROBLOX, and shortly after killed herself because she couldn't handle the shame. Her killer was none other than the greatest ROBLOXian of all time, and CoC player, TheLegend27.

But who is TheLegend27???

Well, Elana's senpai, Edgelord (she dumped the other one. He was a cuck, you know.) sought out to find TheLegend27 and have him executed for his crimes. Without Elana, there was no one to stop the invasion of the ponies (Yes, this involves MLP, fight me faggot). Celestia's army came in and destroyed all of Donald Trump's forces in one swift blow. Trump tried building a wall, but you can't build a wall around a multi-dimensional portal, and Celestia banished his cheeto lookin' ass to the moon ASAP. Now the ponies were in control, and all the humans were crammed into disgusting ghettos. Americans had complained of Donald Trump being akin to Hitler, boy, they didn't know shit. Celestia was actually Hitler. No bullshit, Hitler was actually reincarnated as Celestia almost immediately after committing suicide. After realizing the potential of his newfound powers, he sought out to find a way back to earth, so he could finish his final solution once and for all. Rather than focus on the jews, however, he decided it was best to just gas all humans. Ponies are the true master race, after all, not white people. Humanity was truly doomed.

Edgelord searched for years and years, but to no avail. No one actually knew who TheLegend27 was. Many thought he was Jason Bourne, but those rumors were quickly abandoned after Jason's ashes were found in one of Celestia's many ovens. Edgelord knew he had to find whoever did this. They needed to be punished. No one thrusts humanity into an everlasting darkness without his consent. NO. ONE.

The search was seemingly hopeless, until finally, one day, Edgelord came across a fat, autistic mongoloid eating some burnt popcorn. He asked if the boy if he knew who TheLegend27 was. The boy replied "Oh, that's me. I'm TheLegend27. I'm the best at CoC."

Edgelord laughed, "You're probably the best at eating cock, kid. Now seriously, do you know who TheLegend27 is?"

The autistic mongoloid got really upset, but you couldn't really tell because he always had this dumbass looking smile on his face, "I'm telling you, I'm TheLegend27! I swear!"

Edgelord was getting kind of heated now, "You better quit playing with me, kid. I know damn well you aren't TheLegend27. He's not some ugly looking, obese mongoloid."

"Dude, I'm TheLegend27. I'm like, really good at bottle flipping!"

Edgelord had had enough, "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING NIGGER, YOU ARE NOT THELEGEND27! IF YOU SAY YOU ARE AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL SHOOT UP YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL!"

"I killed Elana. She was pretty trash at ROBLOX."

"THAT'S IT, KID! YOU'RE-- Wait, did you say you killed Elana?"

"Yeah, wasn't her username ImReallyMoist?"

Edgelord was shocked. This thing. This fucking obese mongoloid actually was TheLegend27. How could this be? How did this little cunt beat Elana at anything? He looked like he couldn't even walk to the fridge if his life depended on it! "What's your name, kid?" Edgelord asked.

"JD Quan."

Damn, the autism radiating from this kid is enough to knock out a whole ghetto. Edgelord felt uneasy. He was such a savage. He was the edgiest 12 year old on the planet. No one could top his edge. His edgy humor was so edgy it could slit any emo's wrists with ease. But he couldn't bring himself to execute JD Quan. Something about that boy was special. Maybe he was the key to ending Celestia's reign over the Earth. Maybe he could free the world from the oppression of the putrid ponies.

"Come with me, faggot, I got some work for you."

"Can I finish my popcorn first?" JD Quan said innocently.

"Bitch, that shit's burnt."

"But there's like 5 good pieces in here."

"Nigga shut yo goofy lookin' ass up. Come on."

And with that, the two ran off into the sunset. A war was coming, and they were gonna be on the right side of it.

Later...

"Hey, that's pretty good."

That was the last thing JD Quan said before Edgelord knocked his fuck-ass out. The whole damn trip he kept on repeating the same shitty memes he found on his phone. It was not good. Sadly though, Edgelord wasn't able to carry JD Quan. It was a combination of JD Quan's morbid obesity and the fact that Edgelord had lost so much blood from cutting himself that he was unable to fully function as a human being. Again. Not good.

Edgelord needed to find some way to carry this fat bitch all the way back to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. But how could he do it? There's no one alive that could possibly attempt to lift him, let alone carry him 30 miles to a ghetto. He needed to assemble a team. But who would find? Conveniently enough, a crazy black man with a Pikachu hat came running out of the woods next to them.

"Hu-hu-hu-HEY LITTLE CHILDREN! WHO WANTS TO KILL ME?!"

"What the fuck?" Edgelord was aroused. He really liked that BBC, you smell me? He got a little flirtatious, "What's your name, hot stuff?" He tried to sound sexy, but that shit was really, really fucking cringe. Even JD Quan noticed it, and that nigga was sleep.

"I'M NIGGERCHU! PLEASE KILL ME! END MY FUCKING LIFE!"

"Why?" asked Edgelord.

"Because I'm black, and niggers don't kill themselves. That's some white people shit. Niggers just kill each other, you know?"

"TRUUUUUU" everyone in the area said in unison.

Except, them niggas was ponies. Niggerchu don't fuck wit no ponies. He killed all them bitches on the spot because he was carrying a gun, because all black people carry guns and use them to kill other black people, except in this case Niggerchu was killing ponies, not black people. After Niggerchu killed most of the ponies in the area, he went up to one of the many corpses, and fuck it in the ass. He raped that bitch. Even though the pony was dead, you could very clearly see fresh tears streaming down its face.

"Why can't you do that to me, asshole?" Edgelord was getting heated. Not in a sexual way. In that teen bullshit slang type of way. You don't want to be around Edgelord when he's heated. When he gets heated, it only takes one tiny thing to get him TRIGGERED. And being triggered is not good. Niggas die when that shit happen, bro.

"So can you please end my suffering?" Niggerchu was getting impatient.

"I will if you fuck my asshole."

"I'm not gay."

"If you want to die, you're gonna have to fuck my tight asshole."

"Ok."

So Niggerchu pulled his pants down and revealed his penis. It was arguably the biggest, baddest, fucking worst disappointment of all time. That nigga had a micropenis. That shit was barely two inches.

"I see why you want to die so badly." Edgelord said.

Edgelord was thinking about leaving, but then realized he could actually use this shrimp dick nigger. He was really good at killing ponies and shit. Hell, maybe he could carry that tub of lard to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. Wait, where the fuck was that tub of lard, anyway? They both looked around, trying to find the fat, little faggot. Where could he have gone so quickly? He's so fat, there's no way he could've possibly lifted himself up on his own. Oh wait, never mind. He was trying and failing miserably to make another bag popcorn. Yet again, Edgelord couldn't help but feel bad for the little mongoloid. He was so autistic. So damn autistic. Makes me cry just typing about it. The little nigga needs some milk. Bad. Niggerchu knew this so he pulled out his black titties, and made JD Quan suck on them. It was pretty hot. Shit, I might've nutted a little bit after writing that.

Nope, I nutted a lot.

Anyway, after JD Quan got some niggermilk from Niggerchu, the three took off back to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. They had some more work to do.

Random Flashback...

Taking over the world was far easier than Celestia anticipated. For one thing, despite being extremely hostile towards humans and threatening war, most of the world refused to attack her forces, actually, most of Europe seemed to just let them in with open arms. This decision was made by the EU, because apparently, they thought by letting Celestia's forces into their major cities, she would decide to not attack anybody and simply go home without any violence.

That didn't work out well.

Celestia's forces sacked all the major cities in Europe, killed their leaders, and moved their people into crowded Ghettos where they rioted and killed each other, rather than fight the ponies. When they finished taking over Western Europe, they focused their attention on the East. Russia and China tried nuking the ponies, but Celestia used her magic to detonate the nukes before they even launched. Russia and China were utterly destroyed within a day.

The US was next. Trump proposed building a wall around the portal Celestia used to get here so she couldn't bring in more forces. No one supported the idea, but they did not question it, fearing deportation. The plan failed miserably and the ponies invaded the US, conquering it with ease. Trump was banished to the moon and Celestia claimed full control of the world. With her newfound power, she enacted her final solution. Extermination of the human race. There was one problem with the project, however. Overpopulation.

The world's population had grown quite a bit since Celestia killed herself so long ago. It wouldn't be as easy to exterminate all humans considering there were 7 billion of them. She needed to build a lot of gas chambers if she wanted to have any chance of completing this project. So while they were being built, she forced all the humans into crowded and disgusting Ghettos throughout the world. Again, her project hit another wall. She couldn't keep track of all these Ghettos at once. She needed ponies to supervise them for her.

She got the other princesses, Twilight, Luna, and Cadence, and they decided who would run each Ghetto. Most of the ponies assigned to these positions were diplomats or members of the Royal Guard. This was done for all the Ghettos except for one, the most dangerous Ghetto of them all, Detroit. Rather than pick some lousy diplomat or an autistic guard member, the princesses decided that Rainbow Dash would be the one who would preside over Detroit. They felt she was the best suited for the job. The only pony alive who could handle the workload. Immediately after the decision was made, Twilight went straight to Dash to tell the news.

Dash was not pleased.

Rainbow Dash didn't want to run some shithole full of rabid niggers who did nothing but riot and kill each other. She wanted to be the warden of a prison. She wanted to inflict pain and suffering on any human who dared go against Ponykind. She wanted to work them to death. She wanted to see them starve. She wanted to see them beaten. She wanted to see parents forced to eat their children just to survive. She wanted to see them broken. She wanted to see her victims to lose any will to live.

She was fucked.

She would've rather been a general, but the war was won so easily that it seemed like a foal could lead a single battalion into battle and defeat an entire army of humans. Still, that would've beaten working in a musty office counting up how many niggers died everyday.

"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.

Twilight tried time and time again to console her friend, her lover. She tried to convince her that it was an honor to have the position, that the princesses only trusted her with the job. She said Dash should be grateful that she was picked to run this Ghetto over everyone else.

When that didn't work, she turned to sexual favors. Twilight didn't like a seeing one of her friends upset, especially if it was her doing.

"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.

It was all in vain. She just couldn't cheer Dash up, and she knew Celestia, would go insane if she found out Dash wasn't happy about her position. If there was one thing Celestia hated, it was an ungrateful pony. Twilight didn't want Celestia to do something horrible to her friend, especially over something as minor as this.

But she just couldn't get Dash to cheer up. Dash continued to mope around, and complain about how bullshit the job was. Dash even went as far as to say she could run this world better than Celestia could even imagine. Dash generally did this when she was drunk. She had started drinking far more than normal after she was assigned to the position. Twilight always made sure to keep Rainbow Dash from other ponies when she got like that. Saying shit like that is considered blasphemous under Equestrian law.

"Another dead nigger in street." She mumbled to herself.

Rainbow Dash's depression seemed to get worse with each passing day. Just like the city she presided over, there didn't seem to be any hope. Any form of escape. Just like the city, she used to be great. Just like the city, bad politics ruined her. Just like the city, she was a hollow shell of her former self. She couldn't continue to live like this. She didn't want to be like Detroit. She had to get out.

"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.

Rainbow Dash knew it was only a matter of time before she gave up and committed suicide. She also knew she couldn't do this on her own. She needed a friend to go with her. A friend who would have her back. But who would be willing to do something do outrageous? Who would be willing to abandon everything they know, just to help a friend?

"Another dead nigger--"

"Hey!"

Dash was cut off by a high pitched, cheery voice. She knew exactly who it was.

"Pinkie? What are you doing here?"

"Just seein' what you were up to, silly! Why are you here anyway? This place is all dark and icky!"

"I'm kind of being depressed right now, Pinkie."

"Why? That sounds silly, Dashie! Let's go have a party or something!"

"Pinkie I'm really not--"

"And what's with this story being all depressing? I thought this was a joke! It's not very funny, if you ask me."

"The fuck are you on about?"

"And why is it about you, anyway?! I thought this was about JD Quan and Edgelord!"

"Who? Pinkie what the fuck are you smoking?"

"The person writing this has to be autistic or something. This story is terrible."

"Pinkie."

"He's definitely a loser at whatever school he goes to. Probably an edgy faggot."

"Pinkie!"

"Honestly who would write something like this? This kid has issu--"

"PINKIE!"

"Huh?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, you--"

"My name isn't Jesus Fucking Christ, Dashie, it's Pinkie Pie!"

"Shut the fuck up, Pinkie."

"Rude..."

"Pinkie, I swear to god--"

"Ok, ok Dashie. Sooorry."

"You think you could do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Could you, uh, help me leave Detroit?"

"But don't you run the place, Dashie?"

"Yeah, but this place fucking sucks. All I do is count dead niggers every day."

"That doesn't seem too bad."

"Pinkie I can barely count to ten without help. These niggers kill each other every five seconds!" As Dash said that, more gunshots were heard outside.

"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.

"Well, why don't you just ask Twilight to help you?"

"Twilight doesn't have time for that shit. Plus she's kind of a cunt."

"Truuuuuue."

"So will you help me out?"

"Sure Dashie. I don't have anything better to do, anyway."

"Awesome, we can leave tomorrow."

"Why not now?"

"Well, shit, I need to get some weapons first."

"I have some in my car."

"You can drive?"

"No. I just like having a car."

"Okay then... Let's go, I guess."

"Great!"

And with that, Pinkie grabbed Rainbow Dash, threw her in her car, and they sped off. As they did, more gunshots rang throughout Detroit, and another nigger lay dead in the street.

"I thought you couldn't drive, Pinkie."

"Oh no, I can't."

"How the fuck?"

"Dashie this chapter his to end at some point!"

"Shut the fuck up, Pinkie."