The Escapades of Edgelord

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were getting turnt the fuck up listening to Pink Season when they passed by some humans walking down the highway. Rainbow Dash tried to get Pinkie to hit them, but Pinkie insisted they pass them up, stop and shoot them instead as she didn't want to get blood on her van. They did so, got out, and Pinkie fired a shot at the retards. One of them fell over clutching their leg, as the other two ducked for cover. Rainbow Dash shot at them a few more times, but the three got away before she could actually kill them.

"Can't stand humans." She mumbled to herself.

She got back into the van with Pinkie and they resumed their trip. They didn't really know where the hell they were going, they just knew they were going somewhere and that Celestia would begin hunting after them pretty soon. They had plenty of weapons, so it wasn't like anyone from the guard could arrest them, but if Celestia herself found them, they were fucked. Literally. Celestia would definitely rape them both with her horn. Celestia was really fucked up.

In other news...

Niggerchu, Edgelord, and JD Quan had just arrived at Raphael DeLa Gheto Ghetto. The place was in total ruin. It came as a complete surprise. Pretty much all the Ghettos had their fair share of riots and shootings, but none had fallen apart entirely. What the hell happened?

Well, around two years after Edgelord left in search of TheLegend27, Celestia arrived in the city. She was really upset at Twilight about something (apparently Twilight had gotten into her fanfiction collection). She'd beaten Twilight to a bloody pulp, but for some reason, that didn't quench her anger. She needed kill some people. Let it all out. She went in and cast a spell that set every building in the Ghetto on fire. Next, after everyone cane running out of the buildings, she created a flood of oil with her magic which caused everyone in the streets to burn alive. As she watched all the poor humans burn and burn, she just sat there, eating cake and drinking tea while laughing hysterically.

It was beautiful.

Edgelord, JD Quan, and Niggerchu were driving down the highway when they saw the pink van again. The ponies inside were still blasting their shitty rap music.

Rainbow Dash saw the humans driving behind them in her mirror. She pulled out her gun.

Niggerchu sped up, hoping he could quickly pass the pink van without any problem.

Pinkie Pie saw the car behind her speed up a bit. Rainbow Dash cocked her gun.

Niggerchu got right beside the pink van.

Rainbow Dash fired her gun at the car. The driver slumped forward and the car veered off the road, slamming into a tree.

Niggerchu had lived a shitty life. He was born abnormally depressed. Throughout his childhood he viewed the world around him with contempt. He knew he could never be a normal nigger. Not with a micropenis. He woke up every day with a strong urge to end his life. End his suffering. He wanted to die, but no one would kill him. He was too much of a pussy to do it himself. He knew that. He had never felt true happiness in his life. The closest he ever came to feeling any kind of pleasure was when a Narwhal raped him while he was at an aquarium. Niggerchu was only 9 at the time, on a field trip with all his nigger friends when he fell into the tank with a horny Narwhal. This Narwhal could talk, however, it only knew one phrase, "Shake dat little boi pussy."

That's all Niggerchu remembered it saying as it shoved its sharp horn into his rectum, tearing open his insides, nearly killing him. Niggerchu remembered the feeling of the Narwhal playing with his micropenis as it penetrated him. Fucked him. Niggerchu was cumming. This was a good kind of pain. The best kind of pain. The only pain that made Niggerchu truly happy.

Niggerchu was slumped over the wheel. He was dying. He was finally dying. His life of suffering was finally coming to an end. Tears of joy welled up in his eyes as he realized that it wouldn't be much longer before everything went black. Not much longer until everything was over. Niggerchu could feel a smile growing on his face. A smile, something he hasn't felt since he was 9. Since the Narwhal raped his cute little boi pussy. Niggerchu closed his eyes. It was all over now.

"Fucking pests." Rainbow Dash mumbled.

"That was a good shot, Dashie!"

"You know it! I'm the best shot in all of Equestria, remember?"

"Yeah, that's true."

"I'm so good at everything. Seeing those humans die makes me so fucking horny."

Dash's wings suddenly spread open. Pinkie almost swerved off the road, she was so surprised.

"Dang Dashie! You're getting a little too.. WINGY. HAH GET IT?"

"Kill yourself, Pinkie."

Meanwhile...

JD Quan and Edgelord continued walking down the long highway. The death of Niggerchu didn't really bother them because Niggerchu was a faggot and wanted to die anyway so he basically got what he wanted so why should anyone give a fuck, he was a terrible character anyway fuck him.

They needed to find another car so they could drive around to different places and find some weapons to defeat Princess Celestia. Of course, Edgelord knew deep down that this was hopeless. Miracles aren't real, and even if they were, it would take about 50 of them if they wanted even a slight chance of surviving 5 seconds against Celestia in a battle. They were just two autistic losers walking down a fucking highway. They needed someone who was actually useful. Someone who could do more than just eat burnt popcorn and play Clash of Clans. Someone who didn't cut themselves for attention. Someone who wasn't always trying to be edgy.

They found someone who was none of that.

As they were walking down the highway they came across a scrawny white kid wearing a Sword Art Online T-shirt. He sitting on the ground watching anime on his phone. Edgelord knew exactly what it was. He had dealt with plenty of weeaboos in his lifetime. Usually when he found one, he would just tell it to kill itself and that anime was trash. It would always lead to a two day argument that ultimately ended in someone getting blocked online, because people simply can't have different opinions on anything, and everyone who doesn't think the sane as you is an idiot. Edgelord went up to the weeaboo and told him to commit suicide. The weeaboo responded, "That's harassment. I'm reporting you to the meme police."

"Eat a dick." Said Edgelord.

"I'll eat your dick." The weeaboo replied.

Edgelord was taken aback by this comment. Was that a threat? An insult? What was the intent? He just admitted that he's willing to eat cock. Shit made no sense.

JD Quan spoke up, "Hey do you want to come with us to defeat Celestia?"

"Sure, why not?"

"No, fuck that." Edgelord interjected, "I don't fucks wit no weeaboos."

"I'm not just some weeaboo, faggot, I'm Weeaboo Jones. The biggest weeaboo of all the weeaboos. I learned Japanese from watching tons of Hentai."

"Ok, first of all, there's no possible way you could've learned Japanese from watching anime in general, let alone just Hentai. Secondly, if you did, then that's fucked and you really do need to fucking hang yourself."

Weeaboo Jones promptly said something in Japanese. Very poor Japanese. Edgelord looked at him in disgust, "Kill yourself already, holy shit."

"No, fuck you."

Things were getting heated. JD Quan could clearly see that. Rather than diffuse the situation, however, the retard just pulled out a can of soup and started slurping on whatever the fuck was in there.

Edgelord and Weeaboo Jones stopped arguing and looked at him.

"The fuck is wrong with him?" Asked Weeaboo Jones.

"I think he has down syndrome. And autism. And brain damage." Edgelord replied.

"They're all basically the same thing, you know?"

"Whatever. You seem like you're better than he is by a mile. You can come along with us if you want."

"Sounds like a plan."

JD Quan just kept sucking on his soup like a damn dog.

Meanwhile...

Celestia returned to her evil headquarters to get Twilight. Unfortunately, she had beaten up on Twilight a little bit too much this time around and ber body was too badly broken for magic to repair. Celestia got pretty upset after hearing this news, not at herself for beating up Twilight so badly, but at Twilight for being too much of a pussy to just take the beating like a stallion and move on. Celestia went to where Twilight was being treated. The purple mare looked so peaceful as she lay still in the hospital bed. Celestia stood quietly by the bed, looking at Twilight as she slept. Then she punched her in the gut. Twilight shot up like a rocket, clutching her gut and gasping for air. Celestia slapped Twilight in the face. Twilight started crying, then made unintelligible noise.

"What?"

Fluttershy tapped Celestia on her back, "You shattered her jaw, Princess. She can't speak."

"Are you serious? For fuck's sake, Twilight quit being a fucking pussy for once in your life. Come on, we have to go find Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie."

Twilight made more unintelligible noise.

"Princess, she can't walk. You broke her back."

"So? Give her a wheelchair or something!"

"Sorry, Princess, that's a no-go. She's suffering from severe brain damage as well. She suffered 20 concussions. You also cracked open her skull in 5 different places."

"This is fucking bullshit! I swear I'm gonna beat the shit out of Twilight when she gets out of this place."

"Princess, she can't sustain another beating. She'll die for sure. She shouldn't have survived this one, actually."

"Well shit, I need somepony to go with me."

"No, you need somepony to use as a punching bag when you get mad."

Celestia paused, "You think you're funny, don't you, Fluttershy?"

"No, not really. I just think it's wrong of you to beat up on Twilight when you get upset."

"I see you've gotten more assertive."

"Oh really? Thank you, Princess. I've been trying my hardest lately to--"

"You seem assertive enough to come with me."

"What? Why?"

"Like I said, I need somepony to come with me. You seem like the perfect candidate."

"B-but I don't want to!"

"Fluttershy, it'll be easier for both of us if you just suck it up and come with me."

"But--"

"Fluttershy, I could kill you right now if I wanted to, but I'm giving you a chance here."

"Okay fine."

"Great!"

Celestia and Fluttershy left the room. Twilight just lay in her bed, sobbing. The princess had just dumped her. Why did she have to be so weak? Why couldn't she just take Celestia's beatings like a stallion?

Now she had lost the two ponies who mattered most to her in the same week. If she were able to get out of the hospital bed, she would've jumped out the window and ended it all. Life was no longer worth living anymore.

God had abandoned Twilight as well.

Meanwhile...

Fluttershy walked with Celestia down the road. It had only been a few days since they took off after Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, and the two were already in love. This wasn't why Celestia forced Fluttershy to go with her. She was actually going to use her as a punching bag, but Fluttershy was so much better than Twilight in every way. She was kind, quiet, never questioned anything Celestia did, and holy shit she was amazing in bed. Fluttershy knew exactly how to please a mare. Celestia would've never guessed that Fluttershy of all ponies ate pussy like a professional. Celestia wondered why she hadn't taken Fluttershy under her wing sooner.

The only thing Celestia didn't like about Fluttershy was the fact that she was extremely against violence of any kind. She didn't approve of Celestia killing people like she did, but she didn't say anything about it. Fluttershy wasn't necessarily afraid of Celestia, not anymore. She just didn't like arguing with ponies, especially those she loved.

The two continued walking down the road when they came across three losers. Two of them were yelling at each other, the other was sitting on the ground eating soup. Celestia's horn lit up as she prepared to annihilate them. Just as she was about to kill the idiots, Fluttershy stopped her. Celestia was surprised, and yelled at Fluttershy, "Why'd you do that?"

"Because, um..."

Fluttershy knew why she stopped Celestia. Seeing her kill innocent people broke her heart. She didn't want to be in love with a cold hearted killer. But she knew Celestia wouldn't accept that for an answer. She had to think fast.

"Maybe they know where Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are." She said quickly.

"Hmm, maybe you're right."

The two ponies walked over to the three idiots. They stopped arguing when then saw her. They were paralyzed with fear. Celestia was a lot bigger in person.

Celestia's voice echoed as she spoke to them, "Salutations, faggots. I see you're all pretty terrified. You should be."

The three continued to stare quietly. They were shaking. Celestia continued, "You should consider yourselves lucky. If it weren't for Fluttershy over here, you would be ashes right now. You should thank her."

The three just stared at her like dumb children. "I said thank her." Celestia growled.

The three started quickly thanking Fluttershy. She blushed. She didn't like having any attention directed at her. "It's not that big a deal." She said quietly.

After about a minute of hurried thank yous, Celestia yelled at the three to shut up. The three complied immediately. "So, have any of you degenerates seen a cyan pegasus and pink earth pony?"

The three degenerates nodded their heads. One of them spoke up, "Yeah, one of them shot me. Then they crashed our car and killed one of our, uh, acquaintances."

Edgelord had too much pride to admit he was friends with a suicidal nigger.

Celestia grinned, "Did you see where they went?"

"Down this road here. I have no idea where they were headed."

Celestia smiled at the three, "Thank you. Your help is much appreciated."

"C-can we go now? Or are you still gonna kill us?"

Out of nowhere, Weeaboo Jones exploded into a cloud of blood and guts. Edgelord fell on his back. He looked over for JD Quan, only to see him levitating in the air, surrounded by a cloud of magic. Then, poof, he was gone. Most likely banished somewhere. Edgelord looked up to see Celestia staring down at him. She had a nice little smile on her face. It was such a pretty smile. If you saw it, you wouldn't believe that the pony wearing it was a killer. Edgelord admired that smile. It was all he could do to reassure himself about what was about to happen. He could die happy, knowing that Celestia's beautiful smile was the last thing he ever saw.

Suddenly, there was a loud gunshot and Celestia stumbled backwards. Then a black blur kicked her, knocking her on her back. Celestia shot a beam of magic at it, but the blur was too quick. It picked up Edgelord and took off before Celestia could kill it.

"What the hell was that thing?!" Celestia yelled.

"I have no idea..." Fluttershy mumbled.

The black blur disappeared into the sunset.

Edgelord had passed out from utter shock after whatever the fuck just happened. He looked up to see someone in a black mask looking down at him.

"Are you from ISIS? Is my head getting cut off?" Edgelord was still a little woozy.

"What? Wait, crap." The mysterious figure said in a feminine voice.

She took off the mask.

Edgelord couldn't believe his eyes. No, it couldn't be. There was no way. She killed herself. She was gone. She was dead.

"Elana?"

Shit was getting too real.

Shit, I can't take it anymore. This fucking sucks. Jesus Christ...

Oh, didn't see you there. Narrator here. I need to explain some shit to you niggas. I'll just be honest here, I can't stand this. You need to understand that this is basically a parody of real people I know. Every character (except for the ponies) is based on someone I know in real life. Let me tell you something, I lack the creativity to write these assholes. I just can't do it. You need to realize that it's really, really fucking hard to write this kind of bullshit about people you actually know. Especially when these people are going to read this shit, and talk to you about it. There was one part in this story where JD Quan sucks milk out of Niggerchu's nipples. This might be funny for you, but for me... holy shit. That is one of my friends sucking the milk out of the nipples of another friend of mine. I can't even read that shit without cringing into to a ball. I feel pain reading that bullshit. I just can't do it. It's so much easier to write ponies because they can basically be anything. I can have them do whatever the fuck I like no problem.

The main problem with writing about your fag ass friends is that all the jokes you make about them are inside jokes and require you to know them personally if you want to get the full context of the jokes. And there's only like 5 jokes you can possibly make about each one at most.

This was supposed to be about JD Quan, but I can't write his character. He's so fucking retarded in real life that I simply can't put his actions and personality accurately into words. I felt the strong urge to kill him off because he's such a shitty character and has no reason to exist. He's completely and utterly worthless in every way, shape, and form. I killed off Weeaboo Jones because he only existed for one shitty joke. I'm getting tired of writing this piece of shit anyway. I'm fucking done. I quit.

"You can't do that, you know?"

... The fuck?

"You can't make an entire story based on in-jokes. The moderators won't allow for it."

Nigga do you think I care? Whatever, how the fuck are you--

"Do you want the story on FiMFiction or not?"

Pinkie Pie how the fuck are you even--

"Just cut this part out. Stop being a pussy!"

Don't call me a puss--

"You're a terrible writer, by the way."

Fuck off. This isn't supposed to be good.

"That's what you keep telling yourself."

No, it's really not suppos--

"This is terrible, even for my standards."

Pinkie Pie, I could easily kill you off too, you know?

"You won't though."

Why not?

"'Cause you love me."

Yeah, no, I'm gonna write your death scene now.

"No you're not. You're just gonna fap to me as usual."

Yeah, no, I'll pass.

"No, you won't just pass."

Pinkie proceeded to get sta--

"You wouldn't kill me off. You love me."

No I fucking don't. Fuck off. Now where was I?

"You wouldn't kill off the pony you fap to every night, now would you?"

The fuck? I don't do tha--

"You have a Dropbox full of pony porn. The picture of me is your favorite."

I don't know what you're talking about.

"It's a pic of me squeezing my giant tits together with a dick in between them."

How the fuck do you know that?

"I know everything, silly. Like the fact that you're a giant pussy and a waste of life."

W-well it's not that bad.

"It really is. How pathetic of human being do you have to be to jack off to pictures of pony porn?"

Hey come on.

"Seriously. You need to get help. You're a messed up person. Your life is definitive evidence that God has abandoned us all."

...

"You need some help. A lot of help. You have some severe issues that need to be worked out. Did your dad beat you as a child or something? Maybe you should see a therapist."

...

"I mean, come on, you're writing a fan fiction on Wattpad. Do you not see how pathetic you are? Your life is a joke. I can't even joke about this, it's so sad. You should seriously see a therapist. I know one in Ponyville tha--"

*gunshot*

... Mr. Narrator?

...

Narrator? Aw man, he killed himself. I wasn't trying to be mean. He must've been pretty sad. Now who's gonna narrate this story?

... Oh wait, I'm the only pony who can break the 4th wall. Welp, guess I'm the narrator now! I dunno where to start, though. Oohh I can start off with me and Dashie! Where to start...

Ok, well, me and Dashie were still driving down the highway, playing music in my van. I don't really care much for humans, they're too sad and angry all the time! But they make some good music. I found this album online called Pink Season. Pink Season! I just had to get it. It was made for me. There was some good stuff on there, too. A lot of swear words, but still really good. Dashie liked it too, even though she hates humans. Anyway, we had just killed a few humans chasing after us, at least, that's what it seemed like. They were speeding up to catch us and all. And Dashie got really, really horny. So horny, in fact, that she got a wing boner! I almost went right off the road, it happened so fast. We had a good laugh about it, though. But then Dashie started thanking me. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like a lot a lot a lot a lot. I kept saying it was nothing but she just kept thanking me. It was kinda weird. I had never seen her like that before. I got a little scared, actually, so I pulled the van over and asked her what was wrong. She just looked at me for a second.

Then she did the craziest, most outrageous thing ever! She kissed me! Right on the lips! She grabbed my face and just started trying to eat it! At least, that's what it felt like. She just kept kissing and kissing, then she hopped on top of me!

Then things got a little... ahem.. weird.

I'm not gonna go into detail here. I normally would, but I'm sure Dashie would be pretty upset if I told you people exactly what she did. Honestly, even I think it's a little gross. At least, too gross to talk about here.

Anyway, after we finished... uhh.. having fun.. Yeah. That. After me and Dashie finished and got cleaned up, we continued driving down the highway. Dashie said something about wanting to go to San Francisco or some place in California. Apparently we'd be safe if we went there. For whatever reason, Celestia made California into this thing called a "Safe-space". It's for ponies only, too. Any humans caught there are deported to a concentration camp to be gassed. It's for traitorponies, from was Dashie told me. If a pony were to defect, like we're doing right now, they could just go there and Celestia would leave them alone. It sounds simple, but the boarder is packed to the brim with traps and soldiers. It's nearly impossible to get in. But it's only nearly impossible. If it were impossible impossible then that would be a totally different story, but it's not so everything is fine. Once we get there, we're gonna head straight to Los Angeles and join a gang. Dashie always wanted to be a Crip. I'm not into gang violence, but I hear they throw some huge parties, and you know how much I looooove parties.

So me and Dashie just continued down the highway until-- oh hey! The narrator is still alive! I'm gonna go help him out. Give him some cake. Cake makes everypony feel better! Maybe he'll be able to finish the story! I know I can't.