The Escapades of Edgelord

Well, I tried helping the Narrator out. He shot off a whole chunk of his head! It was all gross and icky! A lot of blood to clean up. But he's okay now. Unfortunately, he can't talk right now, or eat, or walk, or do much of anything, but he can still write! Once my cake gets working in him, he'll be alright. So he'll be able to finish the story, but for now I'm the one who has to tell it. It took a lot of convincing for me to get him to do it. He just kept crying and crying. He tried saying stuff, but it was mostly unintelligible gibberish. I think he's saying feeeeed me, or something. He's kind of fat though, so I don't think he needs the extra food. Anyway, I'm gonna start reading the story now, hope you enjoy!

Kill me. Please end my suff-er-ing?

Wow his handwriting is pretty bad. Not too bad though. Whatever.

I don't want to live anymore.

Wait this isn't the story. Oops! Wrong paper. Ha! I was about to say! That's a pretty bad story! Hold on one second!

Okay, here we go;

Celestia had just gotten up after being knocked on her back by a.. well, she actually had no idea what it was that caused it. It looked like a black blur. Fluttershy was shaking like a madman. She had never seen Celestia get touched in a fight, let alone get knocked on her back! She was in utter shock. What could have caused this?

Celestia shook off all the dust she got on her coat. She looked angry. Celestia was just as surprised as Fluttershy. For so long it seemed like there was nothing in this world that could stop her. Now she had a true threat to her plan. She had to find out what it was that defeated her.

Oh hey! Mr. Narrator is getting up! You feeling better? Did you like my cake?

No, I want to die, honestly. The cake was good, though. Not sure how a cake can heal a gunshot wound to the head, but whatever. I'll take it from here. Get your ass back in the story.

"Okaaay. Aw man. I have these stupid quotation marks following me again!"

Shut up Pinkie.

"Okay. Jeeze, no need to be so rude."

Fucking cunt... I'd still smash, though. Maybe I can write another story of my OC ploughing her pink little asshole.

Oh wait, I don't have an OC...

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Elana and Edgelord had just arrived in some Ghetto called Denver. They were sitting at a bar, talking to each other. Edgelord had so many questions for her. Why did she leave? Where did she go? Why didn't she stop Celestia? How did some autistic fat kid beat her at something?

Elana didn't bother answering any of his questions. She didn't care enough. She didn't lose to JD Quan in anything. Coldenilinia was playing on her ROBLOX account that day, when she got killed in that driveby. And she never even considered suicide. No, she just got bored with kidnapping men to be used as sacrifices, and went off the grid for a while. Went off to yell at some kid who was really good at telling puns. She didn't like that kid. They called him The Pun Master. He was the best at telling puns. His puns were so awful your neck would snap from the cringe. Elana didn't like puns. She tried to beat his ass, but the kid was also really good at building shit like airships and whatnot, so he got away before Elana could noscope him.

Elana gave up after he got away the fifth time. No point in trying anymore. He wasn't worth it. She came back to see that the world had been taken over by ponies.

"I take a break for a couple of years and this is what happens?" She thought to herself.

She really didn't know why she saved Esgelord. The guy was kind of an asshole. And he was pretty irritating to be around when he got mad. He'd always threaten to shoot up a school. It was irritating because Edgelord didn't even own a gun, and even if he did, he'd probably dislocate his shoulder or some shit just from firing it. He was really weak. She probably did it, not to save him, but to get a free shot at that cunt Celestia. Edgelord just happened to be there, though, so she saved him.

Celestia... Elana really didn't like her. She was a huge cunt. She was always killing people over nothing. Elana hates people like that. You have to have a reason for killing someone. You don't just kill a nigga over nothing. But that's what Celestia did. She just gassed humans. Elana knew she could beat her, though. All she needed was 5 minutes and that bitch was dead for sure. Elana just needed a plan.

Elsewhere...

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had just finished fucking for the 9th time. Ever since they left Detroit, they had become major lovers. They fucked whenever they had the opportunity. There was a big ass bed in the back of Pinkie's van that they slept in. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that California was a safe-space, Rainbow Dash would've been fine just riding around the U.S. with Pinkie, killing humans and having sex while listening to Pink Season. That was the life. Dash realized that all she needed was a friend to kill humans with to cure her depression. She was glad Pinkie Pie was the one who came with her. She was awesome.

They were just getting into this Ghetto called Denver, in someplace called Colorado. What a stupid name for a place. Colorado. Pinkie loved saying it though. She thought it sounded hilarious. They were just going to stop for a few nights. Relax a bit. Get some food, and fuck a lot more. That would be nice. Just them two fucking. What a time. Nothing could possibly ruin this.

And nothing did.

In other news...

Celestia called up the guard to give her and Fluttershy a ride to the nearest Ghetto, Denver. She had some dawgs there, some shooters. She'd sick them niggas on those two cunts. She needed a break for now. Normally she'd go in and beat them to a bloody pulp but she wasn't feeling it right now. She just wanted to find a nice hotel and have sweet sex with Fluttershy. Nothing beats that. She didn't feel like killing humans right now.

Another shitty transition...

The doctors came in to check up on Twilight like they always did. To their complete shock, she wasn't there. There was no trace of her. Where could she have gone?

Twilight snuck out the back door of the hospital. She managed to avoid the guards and found a car. Twilight read some books on how to drive a car. She enjoyed the stuff the humans made. Somehow, they spoke a similar language to that of Equestrian, and had an almost identical alphabet. She enjoyed their literature.

She drove out of Celestia's evil capital of the world, Chicago, and took off after Celestia. She was going to find a way to get her back, even if it meant killing Fluttershy.

Elana was walking by herself down the highway. Edgelord was dead. The poor guy got killed by a pony. They were hanging around in the woods, trying to come up with a way to defeat Celestia when Edgelord's head just exploded. Somepony had sniped his ass. Elana quickly quickscoped the pony, but only got a hitmarker. She walked over to the wounded foe and demanded that he tell her where Celestia went. He told her where Celestia went in hopes that he would be spared.

He wasn't.

Elana was off to Denver to defeat a cunt.

Shitty transition...

Celestia and Fluttershy were just arriving in Denver when Celestia pointed out a pink van sitting outside a bar. Fluttershy immediately recognized it. It was Pinkie's van. Celestia teleported to the front window of the building and looked inside. There they were, the two cunts, sitting there kissing and laughing. They were gonna get it now.

Shitty transition...

Twilight somehow mustered the strength to actually teleport herself to Denver. She didn't have time to drive an old, piece of shit car. She needed to get to Celestia. She could barely walk, but after an hour of concentration, she used up every ounce of energy she had to get teleport to Denver. When she arrived, she immediately collapsed to the ground, panting. She was right outside of some bar. She forced herself up and peered inside the window. There she was, Celestia. And she was fighting with... Rainbow Dash? And Pinkie Pie was there, too! And there was the bitch she was really looking for... Fluttershy. Twilight walked into the bar. Everyone inside was dead except for the four ponies fighting. Well, it wasn't really fighting, more Celestia throwing around Rainbow Dash like a ragdoll, but you get the point. Pinkie Pie was just sitting there yelling Worldstar and Fluttershy was crying. Of course Fluttershy was crying, she's a weak bitch. She is totally useless. Why the hell did Celestia dump Twilight for her? Twilight called out Fluttershy, "Hey! Celestia is mine, bitch!"

Fluttershy looked at Twilight in shock, "Twilight? How did you get here? Why aren't you in the hospital?"

"I needed to find Celestia! I have to prove myself to her. I'm better than you by a longshot! She'll realize that after I beat your ass!"

"Twilight, I don't want to fight you."

"I don't care what you want, I'm getting Celestia back!"

With that, Twilight charged at Fluttershy. As she attempted to tackle her, Fluttershy hopped out the way. Twilight crashed into a chair.

"Oh, you want to be like that, don't you? Quit running and fight me!"

"Twilight, I really don't want to fight you."

Twilight didn't listen. She threw a punch at Fluttershy. She missed, badly, then Fluttershy jabbed her in the snout.

"Fuck! You got luck--"

Fluttershy punched her again in the snout. Then again. Then again. Then again. Twilight fell onto her back, barely conscious. Fluttershy hopped on top of Twilight and proceeded to smash her face in. She just kept hitting her and hitting her. After 20 or so punches, she got off of her. Twilight was already rendered unconscious after the 3rd or 4th hit. Fluttershy looked down at Twilight then stomped right on her pussy. That woke her ass up. Fluttershy picked Twilight up, then slammed her ass through a table.

"Don't fuck with me." Fluttershy looked vicious.

Fluttershy turned around to see everyone in the bar staring at her in disbelief. Even Rainbow Dash had woken after being knocked out cold from a chair to the head from Celestia. Fluttershy's face suddenly got red and she tried to hide behind her mane.

"Um, s-sorry?" Fluttershy said nervously.

"Fluttershy.. That was AMAZING! Holy shit! You murdered her ass! I always knew you were a killer! You just didn't want to admit it, did you?" Celestia was really excited.

Rainbow Dash spoke up, "Where'd you learn to fight like that, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, well sometimes I have to wrestle with some of the alligators I take of. And sometimes the bears get a little rowdy and I have to set them straight. You have to step up and be the alpha-pony sometimes."

Pinkie Pie walked over to Twilight. She felt for her pulse.

"Um, girls? I think Twilight's dead."

The four ponies got very quiet for a second as realization set in. Then they all went nuts cheering and partying. It was about time that cunt died. Twilight sucked. They went crazy. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash started drinking like crazy and Celestia made out with Fluttershy. Everything was great.

After a night of solid partying, the four walked out of the bar laughing.

"You know what? You're all right, Rainbow Dash." said Celestia.

"Really?" Asked Dash in surprise.

"Yeah, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have beaten Twilight half to death and forced Fluttershy to come with me. Fluttershy is great."

"That's nice to know, princess."

They walked a little ways down the sidewalk when they came across a human girl. She was dressed in all black. She saw the ponies walking towards her. Elana was about to pull out her sniper when Celestia spoke up.

"Chill. We're not gonna do anything. No need to worry. I have an announcement to make."

Celestia flew way up into the sky, and used her magic to project her voice across the world because that's totally how it works.

"Attention humans! I am leaving your planet now. Coming here was a big waste of time and I don't feel like killing you anymore. I was trying to find happiness but I realized that killing you wasn't the answer. All I needed was Fluttershy. Do not think that you will be spared. Rather than gas you degenerates, I am going to hurl the sun at your planet!"

Elana knew she had to stop Celestia. She quickscoped her. All she got was a hitmarker.

"Oh my God..." Elana mumbled to herself.

Celestia teleported herself, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie back to Equestria. Luna abd Cadence also took off while they could, taking the other two members of the Mane Six that I forgot about with them. Elana watched in horror as the sun expanded in the now red sky. She could feel everything getting hotter. As she stared at the ball of fire coming towards her, the buildings and trees around her caught on fire. It was over now. She had lost. She had finally lost. To a pony. She tried to cry but couldn't as the tears evaporated from her face almost immediately. The last thing she saw was a wave a fire engulf the entire city of Denver. The Earth was now a giant pile of ash floating in space. Just like Celestia would've wanted.

6 months later.

Celestia sat with Fluttershy in her castle, drinking tea. It had been 6 months since their adventures on Earth. Since then, her and Fluttershy got married. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went back to Ponyville and made a living making pornos. Everything was back to normal, and Equestria had gained trillions in wealth after plundering the Earth its resources. Celestia pecked Fluttershy on the cheek as the two stared out the large window. Suddenly, they heard a strange voice behind them.

"Do you guys happen to have a microwave? I want to make some popcorn."