Chapters "Um...me? Really?" I asked, utterly confused by the men in black suits in my home. They had marched in without so much as a knock or reason! And when asked what the hell they were doing they said they needed my help...
"Yes, Mr Jacobs, you. We went through many different candidates but you are the only one we can truly trust with this mission," one of the men explained. And I use the term explain loosely. They STILL haven't told me what it is they want from me.
All I got was a lousy 'We are they' excuse.
"Mission my left nut, look, either quit the riddles or get out of my apartment," I demanded. One of them simply smiled, setting his briefcase on my dining room table and flipping it open.
You know those crazy drug deals you see in movies? Where there's a big ol case of money. Yea, imagine that, but at least three times more cash.
"...You have piqued my interest kind sirs," I murmured.
"As you are aware from the news, we've made contact with several other dimensions through rifts recently discovered around the world. We've taken a look into many of them. Not all, but many, and deemed a few safe for travel," the brief case man explained. I simply nodded. Eventually they would get on with it and tell me what they wanted.
"But as these realms are deemed peaceful, we do not wish to send men trained to kill on instinct into these places. And then there is you. Army reserve, never called in for duty, in peak physical condition, a bit lazy, but you maintain yourself, which is honorable considering you have no reason to," he continued.
I admit, it's a little unnerving having someone know so much about me. True, a lot of what he is going on about is just public knowledge, but I KNOW they've been watching me. I mean come on, the Government is ALWAYS watching.
"So you wanna send me into one of these portals? Then what?" I asked, glancing at the pile of money. I was kind of low on funds lately. Playing Mall cop and occasional bodyguard didn't pull in as much cash as it used to.
"Right here, basically down the road, is one of the rifts. It has been stabilized on this side as well as the other side. Thus we've deemed it to contain intelligent life. The creatures there are...strange to say the least, but we are just as strange to them. We've spoken with their leader a few times and she has agreed that we may send an ambassador to live among them
If things go well, we can begin a practice of inter-dimensional travel, an entire new realm of possibilities in trade and a bright future for all."
"Hm, so I go live with a bunch of aliens and don't piss them off....And I get to keep that?" I asked, pointing to the briefcase
"This is the tip of the iceberg, simply to pull your foot into the door. You'll receive a monthly stipend from us as long as you maintain peace and reports from the other side. This is a minimum of four years you must sacrifice," he said, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his coat pocket.
"If you are ready, simply sign here and for the next four years, we will take care of all your monetary problems."
"You see, there's something fishy going on here. I'm not the ONLY guy in the world you could've picked. Whats the real reason?" I demanded, even as I grabbed a pen.
"We fear no one else has the strength of heart to remain in that realm. To be honest, I was the first candidate, but I failed soon after crossing over and had to return," briefcase man chuckled. It was strange, seeing that Men In Black stone face become the face of a normal man. Just what the hell was on the other side?
"I assure you, I enjoyed my time there. I just wasn't the best fit for a place like that. My military senses caused more than a few complications with the locals. But I am sure you'll do fine," he laughed. With a sigh, I signed away the next four years of my life.
"Holy fucking shit..." I mumbled, lifting my shades slightly and squinting at the rift.
"Stargate was right!" I cheered, pumping a fist into the air. The people around me simply shook their heads, double checking their machines and pretending to work. I'm no stranger to Military, I went through Basic after all and I still show up every other week to check in. Still, these guys could cheer up a little.
I mean, come on, how often do you get to stare down a REAL FUCKING STARGATE! I mean sure, it was a weird purple scraggly hole that looked like it'd been scribbled into existence by a toddler. I don't really know what kind of shape it is, it's kind of like a circle but its got all these weird jagged edges on it. I should get a sketch of this...
"Mr Jacobs, wonderful to have you here" Brief case man smiled. I'd recently found out his name was Alan. I like Alan, he's not afraid to show his human side under all that business.
"You do know you can call me Ryan right?" I pointed out. He shrugged, turning his shaded gaze to the rift.
"We still don't fully understand this thing. Their leader claims its magic. On their side of the portal anyway. Her top expert is working together with us to find a scientific side to it," Alan chuckled. I only shrugged, tucking my hands into my pockets.
"So when am I going through? I woke up this morning and my apartment had been totally raided by you guys and some dude was waiting outside my door to drive me here. I haven't even had a chance to eat yet," I whined.
"Dimensional travel does horrors on the stomach. It's best to go in empty and chow down on the other side." Alan explained
"Wait, I'm going NOW?!"
"The sooner the better, don't you think? Their leader has already put together a place for you to stay and you'll be in close proximity of her lead scientist we are working with. All you have to do is simply live your life there and show them that humans mean on harm to them and that we can co-exist," Alan explained, patting my back.
I gulped, staring at the tear in reality. That's what it was! That's the shape, like a giant demon had ripped a hole into the air with its freakishly gigantic disfigured fist. Should write that down...
"Well, no time like the present I always say," a female voice chimed in behind me. I spun and stared as she marched up to us, offering me a smile.
"Uh...Hi, you uh...don't look like a government official," I pointed out. She was dressed in a lime green top that left very little to the imagination, her toned light brown stomach out for the entire world to see. A pair of gray shorts finished off her outfit, along with sneakers straight out of Ash Ketchums' closet.
"Nope, I'm lucky contestant number two. What? Did you think only men could travel to other dimensions? Names Alice," she introduced herself.
"Ryan, right. Only MAN for the job...I should really pay better attention. Soooo, do you have your own place on the other side or what?" I wondered
"Yea, I'm actually a returning resident. Alan was my partner beforehand, poor guy nearly snapped a neck when he got spooked and we had to abort. I hear your house won't be too far away from mine," she giggled.
Damn I'm one lucky son of a bitch. First I get paid to just walk through this giant hole in reality to live on the other side, and now I get to go with this incredibly hot chick?!
There's gotta be a downside somewhere...Nothing is this perfect.
"Well, See ya on the other side partner! Don't panic and remember to breath!" She laughed, tossing off her shades and slipping on a pair of goggles, rushing the portal like a football defensive line with three seconds to go and a hunger for blood.
With a laugh she dove into the portal with all the grace of an Olympic athlete and was gone without a sound.
"Uh...do I need to go in like that?" I asked
"No, Alice just...really enjoyed her time over there. Couldn't wait to go back. Do good out there Ryan, I'd like to go back too ya know," Alan said with a sad smile.
"I'll do my best," I said with a grin, giving him a thumbs up.
"I'M GOING IN!" I yelled, not to be outdone as I rushed up the ramp and did my best impression of a panicking noob playing Dark Souls and rolling into the unknown.
I've never tried drugs, never been on an acid trip. But I imagine its something like jumping into another dimension. I cannot begin to imagine the wealth of colors and...is that blue? I can freaking TASTE BLUE! OH SHIT FALLING
"I guess I should've warned him about the drop. Sorry Princess," Alice chuckled nervously
"Well, he seems alright. And you sure he isn't like the last one Alice? I know Alan didn't mean any harm but..."
"No no, he's not like Alan. Alan's...like your brother in a way Princess. He's spent his whole entire life fighting and protecting others. Pinkie really shouldn't have tried to surprise him. I'm just glad no one was hurt," Alice sighed. I could faintly see a purple blur nodding beside the blur with Alice's voice.
"Important note...all passengers must travel with an airbag," I mumbled weakly, causing both blurs to jump in surprise.
"Oh! He's awake!" the 'Princess' voice exclaimed. Something...warm, surrounded me and I was placed on my feet, my vision slowly returning.
"Oh crap, they didn't give you goggles did they?" Alice realized
"Did I need em? Hell no! I'm fine, just...can't tell whats where just yet. So, where are we?" I asked, my vision slowly coming into focus. The purple blur slowly settled in before me. It was only as tall as my chest, with me being an average 5'7".
"HOLY SHIT ITS A UNICORN!" I gasped, reaching out and gently touching the tip of its horn.
"Actually, I'm an Alicorn, and please don't do that," she explained
"...It talks," I whispered to Alice. She rolled her eyes and cleared her throat.
"I can see they told you nothing. Ryan, this is Princess Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess of Equestria, the realm you now stand in. She's royalty, and the scientist working with Alan and the others to figure out the Rift," Alice explained.
"Uh huh...Equestria...Princess...hm...So the aliens are horse people?" I asked
"Well to be fair, you're the aliens in this case Sir," The Princess argued gently. She had me there.
"Sorry, it's just a little...weird. I dunno what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't horses,"
"Ponies, we're ponies," She clarified
"Right, ponies, sorry uh...Princess," I bowed, wondering if that were the right thing to do. She only shook her head and giggled.
"No need for that. You can just call me Twilight. We should probably get you settled in before I get distracted with the rift again," She said, shaking a hoof at me.
This is weird. I'm following this weird purple horse and HOLY SHIT SHE HAS WINGS TOO!
"Wait, you have wings?" I blurted out
"Yes, I am an Alicorn after all. We possess the magic of all three pony tribes," she explained proudly
"Right, magic, Alan mentioned something about that. So magic is real on this side of the portal? Can I use magic here?" I wondered, holding up my hands and focusing.
"I doubt it Einstein," Alice called out ahead of me.
"But magic is definitely real here. Everyone has it, Earth Ponies are strong, Pegasus Ponies are fast, and Unicorns possess the ability to cast spells," she continued, Twilight nodding
"You kept up with your notes," Twilight said proudly, Alice offering her a smile.
"Oh right, we're supposed to make reports an stuff right? What uh...what do we put in em?" I asked sheepishly
"Nothing important really. Just think of it like a journal. Write about your day and Twilight will ensure it reaches the other side," Alice said with a shrug. I gave a nod, deciding to actual take in my surroundings and was surprised to find myself in some giant crystal castle!
"Whoa, you're a real Princess huh?" I asked
"Hm? Oh! The castle, well, it's not just mine. But I lost my home in the battle before it arrived and it just sort of became home after a while," Twilight said sadly
"Battle? I thought you were peaceful creatures"
"We are, but just because there is peace doesn't mean there is no violence, no hate, no pain," Twilight explained
"I'll explain all of that to you another time if you want, for now we should show you your new home" she quickly changed the subject.
So there was fighting in this place, but it was a touchy subject it seemed.
"This is my house?" I asked, staring at the building. One could call it a cottage, except it was pretty big to be called that.
"Well I've experienced what its like being human and when Alice first came through we had to come up with something she could walk around in without hitting her head on everything. So we had a few of these built," Twilight explained
"Wait, you've been a human?" I asked, glancing at the Alicorn.
"It's...another long story. But I understand a lot more about you than you think," She offered with a smile
"Right...you'll have to tell me that one," I mumbled, taking everything in. I dunno how the hell they did it, but my Tv, games, even my computer, were up and running. Browser didn't work for shit though, guess there isn't any internet around here. But there was still power!
"So I take it Alice has her own place then?" I asked, glancing at both of them.
"Yup, was sad to leave it behind, can't wait to see how my garden is doing!" Alice squealed
"Applejack and Fluttershy took care of it for you, a few strange things started to blossom but they both seemed confident you'd be happy with how its turned out," Twilight informed her. I gave a shrug and flopped down onto my couch
"Hi!" a high pitched voice cried out beside me. I looked over to see a pink pony smiling at me.
"..." I have no idea what to say to this thing, but it's staring at me and that smile is starting to get creepy, and her eyes...it's almost like she's...scared of me.
"Pinkie Pie, this is Ryan, Alan's replacement. He uh...He's not like Alan, so surprises are okay, okay?" Alice said gently, placing a hand on the pink things shoulder.
"R-Right! Nice to meet you! I'm Pinkie Pie!" She introduced herself, hesitantly holding out her hoof
"Geez, what the hell did that guy do to you?" I mumbled, very gently grabbing her hoof and giving it a squeeze. She was shaking...What the hell did Alan do to this adorable pink thing to make it scared of me?
"Oh, n-nothing. Just a little tumble. I shouldn't have snuck up on him..." she chuckled a little too hard.
"He flung her over his shoulder and threw her into the dirt, if not for Rainbow Dash showing up I dunno what else might've happened," Alice grumbled, her normal peppy attitude turning sour. I swear, Pinkie's hair seemed to droop as her mood dropped.
"Eh, that's the problem with military guys. They've been trained to always be on high alert and ready to defend themselves. Now me? I'm just a lazy guy who couldn't make it in the Army," I shrug
"So they sent me here to show that not all of us are made of crazy, I don't expect you to lighten up to me quick or anything Pinkie. I've been flipped a few times myself and I'd rather not be anywhere near the guys that did it. But I hope we can be friends," I say. I have no idea where the hell the speech came from. It just felt like...the right thing to say.
And it seems like it worked, her hair bobbed up and her ears flicked up into the air as a far less creepy smile graced her face. Damn, why were these tiny horses so cute?
"Okie dokie! I'm holding you to that mister!" She giggled with a snort, booping my nose with her hoof. I went cross-eyed to look at her hoof, but as soon as I glanced at my nose she was gone!
"...Is that the Magic you mentioned?" I asked, looking to Alice
"No, Pinkie is just...special. Earth Pony magic manifests itself within nature, growing things and tending the land, as well as some crazy strength," Alice replied. I let out a sigh, leaning back on my couch and blinking as a hoof rested on my leg
"I think you'll fit in just fine Ryan. What you said to Pinkie really helped her. She's been locked up in her room ever since what happened with Alan...I don't know what brought her here to talk to you today, but I'm glad it did. I'll leave you two be, if you need anything, you can just find me in the castle," Twilight smiled before leaving.
"So, Day one?" I chuckled, Alice giving a playful salute.
"Go out, meet some ponies, experience the town, and uh, watch out for Rainbow Dash. Blue Pegasus, rainbow mane and tail. She's super protective of her friends and she's gonna flip when she sees you. We haven't had a chance to explain you aren't like Alan, she's...hard headed," Alice sighed.
"Right, go out and don't get killed by the angry flying lesbian flag," I mumbled.
This. Place. Is. Awesome. I found a fucking arcade! I mean, they only accept bits, so I had to instantly rush to the castle and beg Twilight for some cash since all I've got is big ol piles of American dollar bills.
Turns out there'd been a mix-up. They were still working on conversion calculations, so Twilight just gave me a bag of bits and told me to have fun. Not gonna argue that shit! This explains how they had power at my place, still wondering about the internet though. Is all of this powered by magic? A combination of magic and science?
I'd probably ask Twilight about it later, right now I had a high score to destroy. By now I had a crowd of kid ponies watching me tear through level after level, amazed by how I worked my hands over the controls.
That's another thing I need to ask, how do ponies play these things? You think they'd design some kind of thing that they could place their hoof in, like a harness or something, and bigger buttons to hit with their hooves. But my hands fit this perfectly. I mean sure, the joystick is a bit bigger than normal.
"He's on the last level!" one of them called out behind me. Last level huh? Best put on a show then!
A chant built up behind me as I reached the boss, dancing around its attacks and leaping over it. You'd think they'd make the last boss harder, but all I had to do was just wait it out and get behind it. After that, ending the game was easy. I happily keyed in my initials, but when the leaderboard popped up I noticed two scores above mine.
One was BM, and the other was SB.
"Wow, he took third...poor Rumble," one mumbled, the crowd slowly shifting away. Whoever this BM and SB were...They would know my wrath!
Cue stomach growl
Right, haven't eaten a damn thing. What do ponies even eat? Shit I'm not gonna have to eat hay for the next four years am I?
"Wow, almost topped my score, pretty impressive. But I guess those hands give you an advantage," a voice chuckled. I turned to find an average brown pony wearing a cap and smiling up at me.
"So which one are you? BM, or SB?" I asked, tucking my hands into my jean pockets.
"BM, Button Mash, King of the Arcade. SB is Sweetie Belle, she's the Queen," he chuckled
"Uh huh, aren't you a kid? Or are pony ages different?" I wondered
"I'm in high school," he deadpanned. Right, all of them are small horses. I really should ask Alice about this crap.
"Right. I'm Ryan, I'm uh..."
"Gonna be stayin' here for a few years right? Yea, Princess Twilight made a huge announcement about it, said not to be afraid of the weird alien. But you don't seem like much, hay, you seem like just a normal guy," Button said with a shrug, grunting as a white unicorn bumped into him
"Be nice Button," she grumbled at him before turning to me with a smile. Is it just me or are these things getting cuter by the minute?
"Nice to meet you Mr Human, I'm Sweetie Belle, and this rude colt is Button Mash," she introduced herself, her smile vanishing as she glanced at the aforementioned colt
"Actually, he wasn't rude at all. But nice to meet you and my name isn't Human. It's Ryan," I correct her. She shines another smile and looks at the game behind me
"Wow, almost tied my score. Took me a week to get that high on the board. Of course Button has all the time in the world to be here," she grumbled, glancing at the colt who chuckled a little.
"W-What can I say? The Arcade loves me," he boasted, grunting as a floating bag smacked him in the head
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" He yelled, glaring at her
"For skipping school to play games! If your mom finds out she'll kill you!" Sweetie yelled back
"I'm all for settling your problems, but should spousal abuse be a thing in public?" I joked, both of them glancing at me.
"Wait, you think me and him are...Ha! No, I uh...no," Sweetie Belle sighed, shaking her head.
"You argue like a married couple and you seem to have this place in common at least. Maybe I'm just reading the situation wrong," I shrugged.
"No, it's nothing like that. We've been friends since we were just little. We uh...tried being more than friends but me and Button are just a little too different in some ways," Sweetie Belle explained gently
"She's trying to tell you that I'm gay without hurting my feelings," Button blurted out, Sweetie Belle gasping
"B-Button!"
"What? What do I care if this guy knows? It's not weird," Button argued. Sweetie Belle gave a sigh of defeat
"Alright, have it your way. But don't miss school tomorrow...It was nice meeting you Mr Human!" Sweetie Belle waved before taking off.
What kind of ball of weird did I just walk into?
STOMACH GROWL. TWO ,POINT.OH!
Right, food, damn it.
"Heh, you humans don't eat like ponies do you?" Button asked
"Not that I know of. I don't suppose you guys have burgers or anything huh?"
"We'll we've got Hayburger down the street, but I'm gonna guess you meant meat"
"Yea, you guys are vegetarians right?"
"Most of us, some ponies eat fish, some uh...eat a lot more," Button said with a shiver.
"Actually, if you need meat, I know a guy"
"The guy you know lives in the castle? This isn't some weird prisoners turned into food crap is it? I'm hungry, but I'm not eating a horse!" I argued
"Will you quiet down! No, it's not like that. Princess Twilight gets all kinds of crazy visitors from other places and THEY eat meat. Her assistant took a liking to it and he has his own stash of the stuff. I'm sure he'll share some," Button explained. I let out a sigh of relief
"Why not just ask Twilight then?" I wondered
"Because her supply is for creatures from other countries"
"I AM A CREATURE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY!" I pointed out. Button stared at me and chuckled nervously
"Oh yea, I kinda forgot. You seem so...normal, for a guy with no coat or hooves or even a tail," Button mumbled. I let out a sigh, gasping as a blur of purple slammed into me. But this was a very different blur than what I was used to. This blur was my height, and was laying on top of me.
And those are legs, most definitely WHOA, BOOTY ALERT.
"Oh hey Barb, is Spike around?" Button asked with a smirk. Barb, as she had been identified as, sat up in my lap.
BAD BONER, GO DOWN. I don't even know what this thing is on top of me!
"No, he went for his afternoon flight a few minutes ago. Did you need something?" She asked. Damn her voice is soft, almost as soft as that rear...
As my head stops spinning I'm able to look up at the thing on top of me. Now...we've all had our fun on the internet, so you'll get what I'm saying when I say that there is an incredibly sexy anthro dragon girl in my lap and I don't know how to feel about it.
"Um, Hi, kinda under you..." I mumble nervously. She gasps and scrambles off of me, dusting off her scales and snatching up a few papers. Button clears his throat, flourishing a hoof toward me.
"Actually my new friend Ryan here is a meat eater and I figured Spike would be happy to have someone new at the table that won't gag"
She turned to me, staring at me with wide emerald eyes. Did she even notice me holding her butt? Do I want her to notice? One head most definitely thinks so, thank god for these jeans. Just baggy enough to hide my problems.
"You're the new human from the other side of the rift," she says slowly, marching around me while her tail drags behind her. I cross my arms, waiting for her to do something and finally she stops in front of me, reaching out and placing her clawed hand on my cheek.
"Your skin really is soft. Humans are pretty strange, just like the Princess said," she giggles. Its like freaking birds singing, damn it this world is drowning in cute! Alan's warning makes sense now. I have to resist the cute!
"Humans aren't really built like dragons, we're soft and squishy and easy to poke," I blurted out, her claw still on my face. It seemed razor sharp, but she was so gentle...NO! RESIST! REFUCKINGSIST!
She smiled, pulling her hand away
"Well, if you are hungry, Spike has some spare food. He doesn't get a lot of guests and I'm sure he wouldn't mind someone else helping him tear through it all before it goes bad. Even with the Princess' spells to keep it from spoiling, it won't last forever,"
"That sounds great!"
Holy freakin' shit that's a lot of meat.
"So, is Spike a dragon too?" I ask out of the blue, Barb simply nodding
"Mhm, he's the Princess' personal assistant. I'm just an understudy..." she sighs
"Aw come on, don't be like that. You work in a freakin' castle, for royalty! I don't even have a job," I say, trying to cheer her up
"Really? Isn't it your job to live among us?" She asks. Okay, so maybe I do have a job, but can this be considered a job?
"Yea, that's real hard. Go into another dimension and live there for a few years," I say with a smirk, earning a giggle from her.
"So, this is what you guys do when I'm gone?"
"N-No sir!" Barb spun in place, standing stiff as a board. I turn to see another dragon, just a head taller than me and carrying an arm full of gems. While Barb's green spines tilted over to the right, Spike's stood proudly upright...like Spikes. Wait a minute, are their names puns? God damn it.
"Barb, for the last time. I'm not 'Sir'. Come on, how long is this gonna take?" Spike sighed, putting a hand on top of her head
"S-Sorry, b-but you are my superior a-and..." she squeaked as he placed a gem against her lips.
"Eat, you skipped breakfast today. You can file those papers afterwards," he said as he walked by. She let out a sigh, holding the sapphire.
"This is Ryan, the human. He's hungry," She introduced me.
"Yo!" I wave a bit nervously. I really wasn't expecting another dragon. probably should've though. Kinda curious if these two are a thing, but last time I assumed that was with the colt next to me.
"I know, he's different from the ones me and Twilight met. You know on the other side of the mirror the skin colors are just as various as pony coats here. But the rift is an entirely different dimension!" Spike said excitedly as he dropped the gems and snatched up what I could only assume was a leg of some sort.
In an impressive show of dragon might, he let loose a brilliant flame, rolling the leg in his flames and holding it out toward me. I blinked, walking toward him and gasping as he dropped it in my hand.
"I-It weighs a ton!" I gasped, setting it on the table near the rest of the meat.
"Right, almost forgot, humans don't have dragon like strength, heh. I know we've already been introduced, but I'm Spike, Twilight's assistant. Nice to meet you," he smiled, holding out his claw. I hesitated as I shook his hand, scared he might crush mine. But his touch was just as gentle as Barbs.
"Wasn't expecting to meet dragons today. So you've seen other dimensions?" I ask as I tear off a piece of whatever this leg is and chow down. Dragon fire is definitely the way to cook things folks.
"Yea, it's a long story. But there's this mirror that acts as a gateway from this world and that one, and passing through it changes you. Twilight turned into a human, and I turned into a dog," Spike sighed, sitting on his pile of gems.
"But the rift is different huh?" I ask with a mouthful of meat.
"The rift is just a hole in reality with only Twilight's quick thinking keeping it from getting any bigger. That and the help from your side to keep it as it is. We've got a way to close it, but Twilight is always up for a chance at new interesting friends. So we're exploring options," Spike explained, tossing a ruby into the air and catching it with his tongue like a frog snatching a fly.
"Well that's neat," I mumble. Spike shrugs, scraping some of the gem from between his teeth, tossing it back into his mouth.
"And if you're wondering, she's my sister," Spike says with a wink
"S-Sir!" Barb cries out. A glance over my shoulder shows that she is in fact blushing. But her face is flushed blue. Button is just standing where I left him, looking like he's trying to hold his lunch.
Ohhhh, right, meat.
"Hey Button, thanks for everything man, you don't have to stick around you know," I offer. He shakes his head and puts on a strained smile
"I-Its fine. I'll get used to it in a sec, the smell just..." He rubbed at his nose and cleared his throat.
"Button hangs out with me pretty often, give him a minute and he'll be fine," Spike says. I just shrug and go back to my leg of whatever.
"Did Alice come back with you?" Spike asks
"Yea, she was pretty excited," I say through another mouthful. Spike smiles at that, standing from his throne of gems.
"Hey if you want I can have the Guard carry some of this to your house," he offers
"Where would I even keep it?" I wonder
"You didn't look through your house yet did you?" Spike asks. I shake my head no.
"That's fine, we'll just send it over and they'll help you put it away. I just keep it like this cause, well, thats what dragons do," he shrugs.
"Just how many dragons am I gonna bump into?"
"Just the two of us. And maybe a friend of mine. Dragons are kind of rare, Twilight hatched me when she was just a filly, and thanks to my friend, I found Barb and took her in. Most dragons are...harsh, to say the least..." Spike mumbled, stopping beside me and placing his claw on my shoulder.
"I can sense from you, that you're a gentle creature. But don't hurt my sister, or you'll learn just how harsh a dragon can be," he whispered, patting my shoulder and walking away.
"Barb! Keep an eye on him for me!" he called out as his massive leathery wings opened up. Moments later he had leapt out of a large window and was soaring away.
Did he just give me permission to date his sister?!
I sigh and sit at my desk, staring at the paper in front of me. Button Mash was hanging out in the living room, along with his friends.
Sweetie Belle was among them, the other two being Applebloom and Scootaloo. There's also Button's boyfriend Rumble Stormfeather. I have to admit, that's a cool name.
The three mares, as they've asked me to call them instead of just pony, or horse people, refer to themselves as 'The Cutie Mark Crusaders'
When I asked what the hell that was they explained more weird magic crap. Turns out when you are good at something you walk around with it proudly stamped on your ass. Which makes the name puns even worse. How the hell does a name match up with a Cutie mark? I should ask Twilight.
But I need to write this damn report...
"Day one...I entered the rift..."
It's good to be back. I suppose I should really start over on my reports. I only had about two months last time...
"Well, if it isn't my favorite human?" A familiar voice chuckled behind me. Leathery wings gently lowered him to the ground, kicking up a small dust storm before folding against his back.
No matter how many times I saw him, I was always caught off guard by his lack of clothing. Not that anything showed! I'm sure all of that is carefully hidden. Bad thoughts, moving on.
"Spike!" I cheered, throwing my arms around his neck.
"And what do you mean 'Favorite Human'? I'm the only human you know" I argued, tapping his snout.
"I know other humans, you know that," he argued back with a smirk, tapping my nose with his claw.
I swear, this dragon...
"Alright fine, I'll give you that one. But why the visit?" I wondered
"I can't just come out and see you?" he asked, he almost seemed hurt.
"Well from what I hear, Twilight could use your help," I pointed out. He lets out a sigh, running a claw over the spines on his head.
"Yea, the Rift was shifting a bit. It was expected but not at this rate. Thanks to everything on your side though we were able to do some quick recalculations and get it to hold steady. But there's no knowing if it might collapse on it's own yet. Of course it'd be a slow process of at least a hundred years," Spike explained.
He walked beside me as I headed for my home. I could just barely make out a tree in my front yard and an orange earth pony sitting in front of it.
"Applejack!" I called out, waving my arm in the air. She turned toward me and held her hat in her hoof, waving back to me. That's another thing that still gets me, the strange flexibility hooves have in this world. But still some ponies hold pencils in their mouths...Maybe the ability to hold things in your hooves is limited? I've never thought about it in great detail before.
"Welcome back! Mighty glad t' see ya again Alice, ya'll wouldn't believe what done sprouted in yer yard!" Applejack laughed, turning to the tree
"A tree...how did a tree grow so quickly? Sure it's only as tall as me but..."
"Ain't jus' any tree. There's some strange magic 'bout ya'll livin' here. S'like th' soil knows ya care and gave ya a gift," Applejack smiled, tapping a forehoof against the tree. A small multicolored apple fell from the tree. It was far from ripe or even ready to be picked. But I recognized it.
"A Zap apple tree? But...they only grow..."
"Once a year, that's right. While these ain't as magical as th' ones on my farm, they are still Zap apples. Ah personally think it's a sign that ya'll are meant t' be here," Applejack said, holding the fruit out to me. I happily accepted it, gasping as Spike patted my back.
"Well her partner this time isn't kung fu crazy. Nice guy, not the brightest bulb, but a big heart," Spike beamed.
"You met him?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Yea, Button caught him starving to death and brought him to me to grab a bite to eat. Speaking of which, Fluttershy kept the place stocked and cleaned for you. Her and Pinkie really missed you," Spike explained.
Again I raise my eyebrow, looking over at the dragon.
"Oh? And did you miss me Spike?" I tease, the dragon blushing. It was always adorable when he did that. Unlike humans who blush red, Spike blushes green. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the color of his fire.
"Alright ya lovebirds, ah'll skedaddle and leave ya to it. It's nice seein' ya again Alice!" Applejack said as she left. Stepping inside my home I found Fluttershy and her birds hard at work dusting from the high ceiling down to the floorboards.
"Shy...you don't have to dust everything you know," I sighed. She gasped, then squealed, then rushed me and practically tackled me to the ground.
"Alice! You're back! Oh gosh I didn't hurt you did I?" she panicked as she climbed off of me
"No, Shy, I'm fine," I assured her, wrapping my arms gently around her neck and hugging her to my breasts. The resounding squeak and heat filling her cheeks brought a smile to my lips. Adorable Shy was still adorable.
"I-I missed you..." she mumbled against me, nuzzling between my tits. Yea, I know what you missed ya adorable yellow thing you.
"I missed you too Shy, thanks for taking care of the place for me. How is angel doing?" I asked as I stood. She fluffed her wings a little and scraped her hoof against the carpet
"Oh, he's fine! A bit upset about some of the rules you gave me for him, but he's adjusting,"
"That's good. He seems like a good friend that wants whats best for you, but he's a bit of a snob and self centered as well. The sooner he learns to change that, the sooner he'll be a better friend," I argue, letting out a squeak as Spike's claws run up my sides. I quickly spin and hold a finger between his eyes
"No, bad Spike," I growl. He pretends to pout until I thwack his nose.
"Ow! Alright, alright fine. But for the record, I missed you too," he says, actually pouting this time. I sigh and pull his head down between my tits. These two...I swear.
Alright, dragon kicked out of the house. Shy asleep on the couch with her head in my lap, and a cup of hot tea in hand. Definitely the way to start my first day back. I smile, gently scratching Shy's neck, chuckling as her left hind hoof twitches a little.
I swear, she's almost like a dog, or some kind of weird cat. I definitely heard her purr once.
But that's besides the point. All was well, until Rainbow Dash came soaring through my window, wings spread, nostrils flared and ready to murder.
"Alan isn't here Dash, he left, and he's not allowed back," I deadpanned. She scoffs, glancing at me and Shy.
"Okay, but you brought ANOTHER one of those things here! What if this one hurts Shy? Or Twilight?" She argued. I let out a sigh.
"Then Spike will break his legs and roast him on a spit. Look Dash, not all the men from my world are like Alan. And Alan IS A NICE GUY! He just has the combat reflexes to match your nose dive turns. And people try to kill him daily, so when someone runs up behind him and jumps on his back, he isn't exactly going to give them a hug," I argued with the Pegasus. She lets out a huff and places her chin on my other leg.
Alas, I am trapped. With a sigh I rest my hand on her head and rub my thumb behind one ear while my pinkie rubs behind the other, the Pegasus slowly relaxing. While nowhere near as clingy as Shy, Rainbow was INSANELY tense and stressed most of the time.
Such was the fate of a Captain of a Guard to be. Which reminded me.
"So, Captain of the Dusk Guard yet?" I ask teasingly. That isn't what they were calling it, but I'd suggested it while they were struggling with something better than the Twilight Guard. Seriously, Celestia has the Solar Guard, Luna has the Lunar Guard, and Twilight can't get something similar?
I even hear that her stepsister Cadence has the Heart Guard. Don't really understand the details on that one, but I'll find out later.
"No! Captain butt munch won't let me even try. I mean come on! I'm totally the right choice for it, none of those colts can do it and I KNOW Twilight!" She argued, her voice dropping in volume as I scratched behind her left ear. That one was her favorite.
"Ugh...What am I gonna do? What if some useless colt gets the position instead?" She whined
"Dash, the standing Captain just wants to be sure that you're the mare for the job. Yes, Twilight is probably one of the most important things in your life, but being Captain is more than just the safety of your Princess, it's the safety of your ponies and your home," I say softly. She gives a nod and sits, freeing my leg from under her chin.
"I know, I know. So...I saw Spike in here earlier..." She smirked, changing the subject. I let out a sigh
"Nothing.Happened." I say between gritted teeth. Sure, Spike could be a bit grabby. And I might've snuggled with him once...or twice.
Dragons are warm okay!
"Uh huh, he left lookin' real happy. You two didn't...do anything?" She asked, waggling her eyebrows.
"Shy has been here the entire time Dash, nothing happened, stop shipping me with your friends," I deadpanned, leaving her to shrug.
"You've got your hands full with those two, both of em are kinda obsessed with things outside their species," Rainbow winked before diving out of the window she came in from.
"Sure thing Dash, good talk," I mumble, glancing down to find Fluttershy still fast asleep.
So I might've given Spike a good bye kiss, on the cheek. It didn't really mean much.
Damn it Rainbow Dash.
"It really is a beautiful tree," I murmur, sitting on my porch and looking at my garden and new tree. Fluttershy simply nods, a cup cradled in her hooves.
"You didn't do anything weird in my bed while I was gone did you?" I blurt out, catching her off guard. Her face is practically on fire at this point.
"No! I mean, I slept here a few times, and curled up in your blankets, and washed your clothes, b-but nothing else!" She almost shouts. With a smirk I lean over and kiss the tip of her snout, leaning back in time to avoid being smacked by her wings flying outward.
"Well, I need to start on my report for the day, and you need to check on your animals. But you know where to find me Shy," I murmur, gently running my thumb and forefinger along her wing before stepping into my house.
She'd be a while. Almost as soon as I stepped inside she took off at a full gallop towards home. She'd try and rush things, but her animals were incredibly important to her. She'd take good care of each and every one of them, and then try to sneak her way into my house and demand cuddles.
And by demand I mean she'd whimper and pout and ask nicely until I cave. The cute was dangerous in this world.
I sigh as I flop onto my bed on my back, unable to keep myself from smiling. This place was so different from home...
"But this place is home..." I mumbled as sleep took over. Shy would wake me when she came back, for now, I could catch a nap.
Author's Note
Would you snuggle the yellow pone?
Ryan - All these ponies are crazy
It's morning. I've survived the first day. But what the hell is the dragon lady doing next to my bed?
"Barb?" I mumble, sleep weighing heavily on my voice
"O-OH! You're awake! Good Morning! Sorry, Spike asked me to keep an eye on you and I don't plan to disappoint him,' she explained herself, a clipboard held in the crook of her arm and a pen deftly twirling between her claws.
"Right...Uh, Barb, I'm gonna shower now..." I mumble, sitting up and stretching, letting out a satisfied sigh as my bones pop and shift one after the other. Ah, nothing like a symphony of cracks and pops to start a morning.
She patiently waits, just standing there with that damn adorable smile and that blue tinge to her cheeks. It kinda reminds me of those sapphires Spike had.
"You can leave my room Barb," I deadpan. She hugs the clipboard to her chest
"R-Right, I'll um, wait outside," she mumbles as she leaves. Just how long was she there? How'd she get in my house?
Wait, never mind, I let Button and co hang out last night and I passed out in the middle of their gaming sessions. They probably just forgot to lock the door.
...Do ponies even have burglars? Hell if what I saw last night means anything, the hell is the point of locks anyway?
I'll elaborate.
LAST NIGHT
"And then...POUNCE!" Scootaloo cried out in triumph, leaping at Sweetie Belle who vanished into thin air and appeared behind the pegasus who was currently professing her love to my floor with her entire body in what can only be called the worlds most impressive faceplant.
"...The hell was that?" I demand, pointing at Sweetie Belle and where she had been
"Scootaloo being an idiot," she answers, lifting her chin a bit. Don't tell me this damn unicorn is a pomp-assed Noble...
"No ya ninny, ah think he meant yer magic," Applebloom tossed in, to which I quickly nodded agreement.
"Oh right. Well a basic spell all Unicorns learn is short distance teleportation, along with levitation and control," Sweetie Belle explained.
"Teleporting? Like, you could teleport from the couch to the fridge and back and never have to move?" I ask.
"Not the best use of teleportation, but yes, if I wanted to, I could,"
Life is so unfair
I'm not giving up on this. Somehow I will become the first human to use magic. But it seems today is not that day.
Anyway, the point.
If Ponies can just teleport, what would a lock do to stop a burglar? If there even are burglars. Damn this world is weird. OH GOD THE SHOWER WATER IS MAGICAL.
No matter how I turn the knob it's always just the perfect temperature. When I feel it should be colder, IT IS! This is going in the report. Could probably spend all day in here, but I suddenly have a fear that the magic making this possible might run out like hot water does, and in a desperate bid to preserve this wonderful discovery, I cut my shower short.
And Barb is in my bathroom. Smiling at me. And I'm naked. Where the fuck is my towel? Oh she's holding it out for me. Good Dragon lady. I quickly cover myself with the towel.
"Your chariot is waiting outside," she says, keeping her head turned and still glancing at me every so often.
Wait, my what?
"My what?" I repeat from my head because I doubt the dragon can read my mind. Sure fucking hope not otherwise this is gonna get weird really fast...Shit, can Spike read minds? CAN UNICORNS READ MINDS?! Oh God, can Twilight read minds?!?!
"You and Alice are due to see Princess Celestia today. Did you not know?" She asks, blinking those goddamned giant emerald beauties at me.
"Nope, had no idea. Wait, a princess horse lady? Like Twilight?" I ask as I search for a pair of boxers. Who the fuck organized this shit?! Ah, there we go, boys are carefully hidden away, now pants, pants are an essential.
"Well, I would say Princess Twilight is similar to her instead of the other way around. Princess Celestia rules all of Equestria alongside her sister Princess Luna," Barb explains, watching me dress. Which I would find more weird if it weren't for the fact that she's a nudist. I also happen to notice she lacks nipples and I can't tell much else about her.
Not like I've really gotten close enough to check and that tail dragging on my carpet hides any other view. That booty though...Losing track of important shit here.
"Okay, so, magical horse princess'. Anything else on this schedule I know nothing about?" I ask as I hop my way into a pair of jeans
"I believe Pinkie Pie is throwing a party for Alice's return and for making a new friend. You're invited of course," Barb said, holding out an invitation.
"Did she make it?" I wonder as I look it over. It's incredibly detailed.
"She always does," Barb giggles. How the hell does an Earth Pony make a card this epic? I swear, it's damn near singing and dancing in my hand with a fanfare included.
"Cool I guess. Meet Royalty, try not to make an ass of myself, and come back to a party, how do I look?" I ask as I finish buttoning my dark blue checkered shirt. Barb looks me over a few times, that strange blue tinge returning to her cheeks as she gives me a thumbs up.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Alice and Barb are laughing at me in this damn deathtrap we are in that's hurtling a million miles a fucking minute towards who knows the fuck where. WHY ARE THEY SO DAMN CALM!
"Ryan, calm down, this thing is protected by a combination of pegasi and unicorn magic. We couldn't crash if we wanted to," Alice assures me. I glance over at her, still gripping the seat for dear life while Barb giggles at me.
Really didn't expect her to tag along, but her excuse was not wanting to disappoint Spike's direct order to keep an eye on me. Did they think I was gonna choke a pony like Alan did? I mean, it was the only impression of a Human Male they had...And it's not like she was bad company...
Is this what they call going native? Oh hey the death trap is slowing down. Oh thank fuck solid ground. I happily climb out of my brush with near death and kiss the cobblestone ground.
"To be honest, I did the same thing on my first pegasus ride," Alice laughs, patting my back.
"We have to ride that thing back don't we?" I realize as I stand.
"You'll be alright champ, come on, the Princess can only wait so long for us," Alice says, leading the way. Barb walks on my left, still clinging to her clipboard. The hell is with her and that thing? Is it some kind of comfort thing? Or is she really dedicated to this job?
"Um...there's a lot of ponies staring at us," I realize, glancing around.
"Not us, you," Alice corrects. And she's right, they are all looking at me. Why? Dafuq did I do? Oh right, Alan. Damn it all to, whoa that's a big horse.
Like a goddamn boss battle she descends from above us, landing with a flourish of her magnificent snow white wings. She flashes a smile, all the ponies and I mean ALL the ponies bow in awe of this glorious beast.
Alice is hugging it, like, full blown run up to it like a giddy schoolgirl and thrown her arms around its neck, and its got a wing on her back and is nuzzling her. The fuck did I miss?
"It's good to see you again Alice, we've missed you," says Giant Horse thing.
"I missed you too Celestia. Is Luna sleeping?" Alice asks. I just stand here like an idiot while they talk and did Barb just move closer? Holy shit she's shaking, why is she shaking?
"Barb, you okay?" I ask, gently grabbing her arm. She nods quickly, a bit too quickly and says nothing. Is the weird ever going to end?
"And this must be Ryan," Horse, uh, Celestia, says, walking up to me. Like an idiot I give a goddamn half ass salute
"Greetings from Earth," I let spew out of my mouth. She holds a hoof to her mouth and laughs. Is that good?
"I can see you were right. They are quite different," Celestia smiles, turning to Alice. She simply shrugs and marches over to me, shoving me forward.
"Uh, nice to meet you?"
"Likewise. Care to walk and talk?" she asks, stepping aside. I shrug and start marching with no idea where I'm going. She walks beside me, a glance over my shoulder proves that Barb is still following. Though she is beside Alice and clinging to her arm.
"Barb and I have yet to meet. She is terrified that I will return her to Dragon Country if she steps out of line," Celestia explains
"Would you?" I ask without thinking
"I could not. She is an innocent, so much unlike others of her kind, much more like her brother," Celestia smiles.
"Ah, Spike, and why's he not a total tool?"
"He was raised amongst Ponies. All but in actual race, he is a pony, like us,"
"So he's family. That's kinda cool. Sooo, I'm gonna be totally honest here. I have literally no damn idea what I'm doing here, I was told to walk through a hole in reality and survive and so I'm here," I pony up. Ha, see what I...did...there? Heh...right...
"Shall I be honest as well?" She asks, leaning her head towards me
"I've no idea what I am doing either," she admits with a wink and continues walking. Holy shit I'm not alone in this.
"Holy shit," I breath as we walk into the castle. I thought Twilight's place was snazzy, this place is like the Grand Motherfucking Castle of Camelot...Fuck me it's another pun isn't it? Is this whole goddamn world just one pun after another of my world?
Is that some kind of dimensional shit I need to read up on? And Barb is now clinging to my arm while Celestia and Alice catch up. I knew she'd been here before, but she seems to know EVERYONE here. Just how long was she here before? It's like this place is where she belongs.
"You're more than welcome to join us for lunch if you'd like," Celestia calls out. I squeeze Barb's arm and smile at her
"Barb, care to eat?" I ask gently. She gives a lone nod, never taking her eyes from the floor. Jesus Christ, why did she even come along if she was scared of the Princess?
Right, Spike's orders. Damn it all I need to have a talk with that dragon.
"I believe we keep a stash of gems for whenever Spike visits, or Dignitaries from Dragon Country," Celestia calls out gently. Barb's eyes light up for a moment before she turns her gaze back to the floor
"That would be wonderful your Majesty," she says meekly. She lets out a squeak as Celestia stands before her, placing a hoof on her shoulder.
"Barbara, we are family. Surely you've learned from Spike that we mean no harm to you? You are important to him and thus important to us. If I can help it, you will never have to go back to Dragon Country, so please...relax," Celestia practically begs. Barb takes a shuddering breath, squeezing my arm.
I can't help but remember the monstrous strength her and Spike have, but even while in a panic she's squeezing just enough to keep herself grounded without causing any pain to me. Is this some kind of magic they have? Or is she holding back on my account?
"I-I know your Majesty, I just...I just..." she stammers, her legs shaking. Celestia kisses her forehead and takes a step back.
"One step at a time friend, we'll get there someday," Celestia whispers, turning and walking with Alice. To my surprise Alice actually hops on Celestia's back and the strange winged, horned, white beauty laughs.
"She really does belong here doesn't she?" I think aloud.
"Alice? She seems to fit in rather well. Even become friends with Three of our Princess' in the short time she's had here. Even Princess Twilight Sparkle has questioned her on her talent in making friends," Barb explains.
Basically this is important because of what each Princess represents. Barb kinda gave me the rundown while we were waiting on Alice at the carriage.
Princess Celestia, big ass white horse, white wings, long as shit horn, anime hair constantly blowing in non-existent wind, white, blue an pink and pretty sure I saw some green in there. She's Princess of Day or something like that. Turns out she controls THE GOD DAMN SUN. Like, holy shit dude, she just points her horn and says 'hither forth bitch' or some shit and it obeys.
Princess Luna, haven't seen her yet, heard she's blue or something. Princess of the Night, same shit, different song-ish. She controls the Moon, and the stars. Which is some pretty cool shit I've got to see for myself.
Princess Twilight. We've met her, purple, nerdy, her hair is normal-ish I guess. No random anime wind, but she does have some pink and yellow stripes in it. Dunno if they are real or dyed. I'm gonna assume real from everything I've seen already. But she's the Princess of Friendship. No, I'm not joking, she's the ruler of all things friend related and her job is solving friendship problems.
She's also got a strange talent of making friends, which is why she wanted to find out how the hell Alice makes friends so quick. Speaking of strange talents, we've gone over the whole cutie mark thing. Twilight's cutie mark is this weird star that represents magic.
So she's damn good at it.
Celestia has a big ass sun and I'd bet all my money Luna has a moon. There's a question though...I glance at Barb's backside while we walk and she gives me a curious look.
"Sorry, I was just wondering if Dragon's have cutie marks," I admit. Wasn't a lie, I was wondering. Was also wondering if I imagined that rear. I hadn't. It was definitely all there.
"Oh! No, Dragon's don't get cutie marks, only ponies," she laughs, loosening her grip on me slightly. Hm, Dragon lady relaxes when allowed to be a nerd, Noted.
Side note, Dragon Lady is relaxed while eating, different gems cause different reactions from her. She mostly just munches on sapphires, which mellow her out and calm her nerves. Rubies make her hyper and she talks a mile a minute. Onyx gives her hiccups, diamonds make her giddy, and Quartz was taken away from her for some reason. More research is required.
"Wow, Dragon's sure can eat," I mumble. Barb blushes at that, her teeth digging into a sapphire.
"We use up a lot of energy in a day, most Dragons devour entire chunks of a hoard a day while weaker dragons refill it constantly...m-my duty was to restock my Elders hoard," She explains, staring at the sapphire in her hand. I place my hand on her shoulder and give it a squeeze.
"That's not your life anymore Barb, you've got Spike, and Twilight, and Princess Celestia, and even me," I say with a smile. Once again, speeches just pouring out of my mouth. Maybe this world is doing something to me.
But once again, it seems to have worked. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes, the blue tinge on her cheeks once more.
"Twilight's report was true, you have a way with words Ryan," Celestia smiles at me from across the table.
"Yea, almost like he belongs here, huh Celestia?" Alice giggles. Are they planning something? They are totally planning something.
And it's at this point I realize I've only met three dudes in this world and two of them were gay.
"You're one to talk Alice, you act like you've lived here your whole life," I laugh. She only shrugs with a smile.
"It's quite a place, isn't it? I'm worried though..." she admits, hanging her head.
"Worried? About what?" I wonder.
"What if everyone else comes to this world Ryan? Not everyone is like you and me. They'll want land, machinery, industry, they'll tear this place apart," She says sadly.
I hadn't thought of any of that. Sure, I had some idea from Alan mentioning trade and junk, but I thought we'd just have humans and ponies living in each others worlds. Is that such a bad thing? Is it possible for Humanity to go to a place and NOT ruin it?
"We cannot be sure what the future holds, but this land has survived many terrible things and peace is maintained between us. I am sure it will not come to such drastic terms. Please do not dwell on this, enjoy your time here as I enjoy having you here," Celestia pleads with us. I give a sigh and nod.
"Sure thing Princess..."
I don't think I've ever really contemplated life as hard as I am right now. Celestia thanks us for coming out to see her and tells us that we'll get to visit Luna another time. Alice seems pretty excited about it, even more excited than she was to see Celestia. Luna must be a pretty cool Princess if she tops Celestia.
Barb is still clinging to my arm, but she's not shaking anymore. Progress I suppose. Aw shit the Death Trap is back. Damn it all...
"We could try teleporting home, but I doubt either of you would enjoy it," Barb murmurs next to me.
I'd seen Sweetie Belle teleport, and even saw a few unicorns teleporting around Canterlot. I don't really know how I'd handle not existing for a second. Best put that off for a drunken adventure later.
"Death trap it is," I mumble, heading forward.
"If you can face down Celestia, I can get in this damn thing," I chuckle weakly. She smiles up at me and walks confidently beside me.
"Well well Ryan, I had no idea you were such a ladies man," Alice teases.
"Huh? The hell are you talking about?!" I yell. She glances at Barb, then at me, then at Barb again.
"She was on your arm earlier!" I argue. She just shrugs and hops into the Death Trap. Damn it all.
The Death Trap ride back wasn't nearly as bad. Spike was waiting for us back home and Alice practically tackled him to the ground in her deathgrip hug. He didn't seem to be complaining.
Am I missing something here? Are they a thing? Why must I ship everyone?
And I'm on the ground, can't breath, the hell just hit me? I can just barely make out a rainbow and feel something pressed against my chest.
"Barb! He didn't hurt you did he?" the colors ask.
"RAINBOW! He hasn't done anything! Get off of him!" Barb yells, snatching the Rainbow off of me. I groan as I sit up. Oh hey, it's the Flying Lesbian Flag of Death. I quickly hold up my hands, still trying to catch my breath
"Whoa! Hey!" I cry out as she glares at me. The glare dies in an instant and I soon figure out why as I glance over my shoulder at Alice. She was glaring at the blue pony in Barb's arms.
"Rainbow, we talked about this!" she yelled, the pony flinching as if she'd been struck.
"B-But he...and Barb!" Rainbow tried to argue.
"Rainbow, Barb is keeping an eye on him for me, and come on, me and Twilight told you all about humans. Even if that other guy was back, what is he gonna do to a dragon?" Spike asked as Barb set Rainbow Down. I was still sitting on the ground, Rainbow glancing at me and scuffing her hoof on the ground.
"Sorry, I just..." she stopped as I held up my hand
"You're the sort the cares about your friends and does anything to keep them safe. I get it, just, please warn me the next time you wanna plow my face into the dirt," I joke, earning a laugh out of her. I accept a hand up from Spike, rubbing a sore spot on my chest from the tackle.
"So, stupid question, is the hair natural?" I ask. She raises an eyebrow and Alice punches my shoulder.
"Oh come on! You wondered too!" I argue, she had to have wondered. Yup, she's acting innocent, she totally wondered.
"Yea, it's natural, what of it?" Rainbow says, glaring up at me. I crouch down to eye level with her. She's a good head shorter than Twilight, but Celestia is still the biggest freakin' horse I've ever seen.
"That's pretty cool, all I've ever had is just this plain dark brown," I say, running a hand through my horribly curly, barely brushed hair. Last brush I had got stuck...had to make this one count.
"Hey, there's nothin' wrong with it. I'm just awesome like that and not everyone can be that awesome. it doesn't make them any less awesome, just not as awesome as me," Rainbow smirked, putting her hoof on her chest. I let out a sigh and shake my head.
"I'll take that as a compliment," I mumbled.
"Well it was one, duh. Anyway uh...sorry again for just kinda assumin'...we cool?" Rainbow asked, holding out her hoof. I smiled, bumping my fist against it.
"Yea, we're cool,"
Sweet baby Jesus this party is so over the top. I think i have diabetes from just the sugar in the air around me, streamers everywhere and a large glitter bombed sparkly as fuck banner reading "WELCOME BACK ALICE!" hung around the place.
And return of the Pink one, she's hugging Alice and running her mouth a mile a minute, I can't understand a thing she's saying, and all these ponies are staring at me like I'm gonna explode.
"Fuck this," I mumble, wading through the crowd of knee to chest high multicolored fluffy things and making my way to a bowl of punch.
"WHOA! Don't drink that!" Pinkie Pie cried out, holding out a glass to me. How the hell is she doing that? She literally just has her hoof out and its magically against her hoof. Maybe it is magic, eh fuck it.
"Thanks Pinkie Pie, but uh...whats wrong with the punch?" I wonder as I sip from the cup. Hm, Apple juice, figures. But it's kind of tangy, and there's a bit of a kick to it.
This is alcohol...hot damn I love this place.
"Well, to be honest, that's not punch!" Pinkie winked, pointing to a nearby bottle of what I could only assume was hot sauce.
"Oh hell, thanks Pinkie, I owe you one" I laughed. She just shrugged, hesitating before hugging my leg. I sighed and knelt down, wrapping both arms around her and hugging her tight.
"Hey, don't forget, we're friends, 'kay?" I whispered. She nodded, wiping away a tear as I stood.
Why the fuck is everyone staring at me?
"Hey, is this a party or what?!" Rainbow and Alice called out, drawing everyone's attention away from me. Thank fuck, that was awkward. I somehow manage to get through the crowd and sit down in a booth. And here comes Princess Purple butt.
"So, how are things going so far?" Twilight asked.
"Well I've come to realize I hate flying, I think your dragon has the hots for me, and everyone keeps staring at me like I'm going to flip out and go Chuck Norris on everyone," I admit.
"Um...well flying isn't for everyone a-and I'm sure Barb is just dedicated to whatever Spike asks of her. Though I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if she did feel that way, she's always...afraid..." Twilight sighed, her ears drooping down.
Damn that's cute
"She opens up if you let her nerd out," I shrugged. Why the hell is she grinning at me like that.
"So you're the observant type? Maybe she is a good fit for you," Twilight giggled.
"I didn't come here for you to play matchmaker Princess, isn't there some kind of law against this?" I argue.
"There's never been such a law," Twilight scoffed.
Hm...does it count as bestiality if I fuck a dragon? Pretty sure it actually is legal back home, just frowned upon and illegal in several other countries. Why am I thinking about this so hard???
"L-Look! Barb is...not gonna lie, pretty hot, but I hardly know her and I'm not just gonna jump into something like that because my dick tells me to," I shrugged, Twilight snickering and hiding behind her hooves.
"What? Was I too forward?" I wonder. I did just kind of let my thoughts run out of my mouth like an idiot.
"She's right behind me isn't she?" I ask, Twilight nodding. I spin around at the speed of motherfucking sound and latch eyes with the dragoness. Her entire face is bright blue right now and she's holding a cup in each claw. Where the hell did her clipboard go?
"Uh, hey Barb," I chuckle nervously. She slams the cups on the table and rushes through the crowd.
Shit, Spike is gonna barbecue me...
"Well, go after her Prince charming," Twilight teased. I sit there for a moment, trying to think on my actions.
Damn it all.
"You planned this," I accuse. She shrugs, slipping out of the booth and vanishing into the crowd of the party. She totally planned this...Well fuck, might as well check on Barb. I drag myself out of the booth, snatching up the drinks she left behind and calmly follow the signs Pinkie is placing for me.
Weird Pink horse, but helpful Pink horse. She gives me a wink as I reach a door.
"Pinkie...I have no idea what I'm doing," I tell her.
"Oh that's fine! Most stallions are the same with their first time," Pinkie giggled, trotting away.
"First time? P-Pinkie! That's not what I meant! Why the hell are these ponies so determined to get me laid? Or maybe they just wanna help their friend get laid...ugh...Okay Ryan...just, talk to her, no sex, talk,words," I coach myself, glancing at my hands. With a sigh I smack my forehead against the door a few times in place of knocking, not wanting to spill the drinks I'm holding.
"O-OCCUPIED!" Barb cried out.
"Barb, it's me, come on, you're missing the party," I call out. I can hear the sounds of scrambling behind the door. She's cracked it open slightly and is peeking out at me with those goddamn adorable eyes.
"R-Ryan...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to react like that, I don't know what came over me. OH! Y-You got your drink, g-good. I um, I'll be out in a minute, just uh, I need to uh, c-collect myself, ha ha,"
"Barb, can I come in please?" I ask softly. She hangs her head, digging her claws into the door. I hope Pinkie won't be mad about that...I mean, I can afford to replace it...
"What you said a moment ago..." Barb murmured, slowly looking up at me, tears in her eyes.
"A-Am I attractive? T-Truly?" she asked.
FUCK. I'm trapped, I am super trapped, the fuck do I say?!
"You're beautiful," I say with a smile. WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?! Hey, she opened the door. She bites her finger and with her free hand tugs me into the room by my shirt, kicking the door closed behind her. I somehow manage to not spill the drinks.
"That...means a lot to me," she says softly, leaning toward me. Oh shit she wants a kiss. The drink! I place the cup against her lips and smile.
"You forgot your drink," I say quickly, taking a sip from mine and chuckling nervously. She accepts the cup, sitting on the bed and patting the spot beside her. I accept my fate and sit beside her, sighing as she lays her head against my arm, swirling her finger around the rim of her glass.
"In Dragon Country...beauty means everything for a mere whelp such as me...Our lords only pick the most beautiful gems to be added to their collection...but none cared for me," she sighed. I scoff and roll my eyes.
"The hell do they know?"
"You're strange...everyone here is. They accept me as if I were one of their own...Spike pushed me away as well...just as you have..." she continued.
Wait a minute, did she just say she tried to fuck her brother?
"I-I'm not...pushing you away Barb, I just think you shouldn't be throwing yourself around looking for someone to scoop you up. There's a lot more to life you know?" I point out. She sighs, gently squeezing my arm.
"Look, Spike said you had to keep an eye on me right?" I ask. She nods, staring into her cup.
"And, you already know that I think you look amazing," I continue, grinning at the blue touching her cheeks.
"So, give it time," I say with a shrug. She nods, standing and marching out of the room. Shit, did I do the right thing?
The party is starting to die down, I haven't seen Barb since our talk.
"So stud, how'd it go?" Rainbow asks, flying at eye level and resting her foreleg on my shoulder.
"Nothing happened, we talked," I say, crying out as she smacks the back of my head.
"You TALKED?! Are you serious?!" Rainbow yells at me, zipping off out a window. What the hell is wrong with these things?!
Is sex really so important around here? It can't be, Barb said Spike did the same thing. Then again, they are family and he was raised by ponies...Though, they are quick to condone bestiality, do they give two shits about incest?
I am thinking WAY too hard on this.
"Hey stud," Alice speaks up behind me.
"I'm not a stud, Alice, what..."
"Relationships are incredibly important to Ponies and most other creatures as well. Magic forms itself in all sorts of way, but the most powerful magic is the magic of Love and Friendship," Alice interrupts me.
"Magic is a living breathing force that does what it sees fit, and at least ninety percent of the time, it's right," she smiled.
"Are you telling me to fuck the giant fire breathing lizard too?" I demand.
"I'm saying it couldn't hurt. It's pretty obvious you care about her,"
"Uh huh...and what about?" I ask, pointing an accusing finger at her. She chuckles nervously.
"I mean...I've uh...befriended a few ponies..." she admits.
Sweet baby Jesus she's one of them.
"H-How...what?! Aren't horse dicks huge?!" I blurt out. Luckily all the kids left the party forever ago and I just get a few stares from some nearby ponies who were still making their way out.
"Well I only hooked up with one stallion and he was more interested in asking me questions than anything else," she answered smoothly. She is way too calm about this.
"So, wait...a few ponies...one stallion...Ohhhh, I see, no wonder you and Princess Celestia are so buddy buddy," I smirk knowingly. She's blushing. Nailed it.
Alice is boning the Princess.
Still processing that.
"Okay, so now you know my 'dirty secret'. What are you going to do about your beloved dragoness?" Alice demands of me, poking my chest.
"I'm not just gonna have sex with her Alice. Sure, I'm not the greatest of guys, but I could never just sleep around!" I argue. She smiles and pats my shoulder.
"Good. To be honest, I haven't actually gone around sleeping with ponies. I cuddle with Fluttershy a lot, and we've kissed...a few times...and Celestia is just a good friend. I just had to be sure Ryan. Our talk with Celestia has really had me worried about the kind of people who could come through the portal...I'm glad it was you," she explains herself.
"You're lying...there's no way you can blush on cue lady. At the very least there's something more going on with the Princess than you're letting on," I argue back.
"Mhm, sure loverboy, but Dragon Culture and Human Culture are pretty different. She offered her body to you, everything she is, and you told her no," Alice points out.
Shit.
"I-I didn't say no! I just said not now!" I stammer.
"It's the same thing to her. Look, I'll talk to her, try to clear things up. You should barricade yourself at home for a bit so the wrath of her friends doesn't come down on you," Alice warned me, leaving without giving me time to ask questions.
Shit. Shit on a stick.
"So...heard you an Barb..." Button began, his voice muffled as I shoved my hand in it.
"No, we didn't, for fucks sake, does the whole town think we're a thing?" I ask. Button shrugs, lifting up a controller. I sigh and accept it, sitting down to play some Mortal Kombat. Again, with those hooves, he was somehow pretty damn good at it.
"You're wonderin' how I'm so good aren't ya?" Button smirked, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.
That's weird...he looked cute for a moment...
"Yea, you a mind reader now?" I ask.
"Nope, Alice asked me about it a bunch of times. It's my special talent," Button chuckled, pointing to his ass tattoo, I mean cutie mark.
"Your talent is being good at games?" I ask, confused.
"That's the basic gist really. I just need to see it once and I can dissect everything a game is and can do and react accordingly to whatever situation it puts me in," he replied.
"You've got a cheatbook for any game in your head...That's pretty damn cool," I realize. Even with that cheatbook, he still lost half the matches to me.
"Yea, but your skill is pretty impressive too. Humans don't have cutiemarks, so you're just GOOD," Button pointed out.
"Eh, I've played all these games so many times," I shrug.
"Yea, but you'd never played that game at the arcade before, and you nearly topped the board!"
"Eh, it was an easy game though,"
Damn, I wasn't paying attention and he beat me. Oh well. I sigh and lean back on the couch.
"This place is weird Button, in the same situation in my world, well, it wouldn't have gone over the same way..." I chuckle.
"Well, if it means anything, I think it's pretty cool of you to wanna wait," Button chuckled, spinning the controller on his hoof.
"Thanks man," I smile, setting my controller down. He shrugs and switches over to single player, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
The hell am I supposed to do?
"Ryan..." Barb whispers into my ear, sitting up in my lap and running her claws down my chest.
"WHOA! Barb! Time out!" I yell, sitting up and grabbing her shoulders. She turns her face away from me and starts to shake.
"H-Hey, calm down. Look..."
"Why!? Y-You said I'm beautiful right?! T-That I'm h-hot! S-So why won't you accept me?!" she screamed at me. I sigh and kiss her cheek.
"Because it's not fair to you. You shouldn't sleep with someone just because your culture demands it...and I shouldn't just shove you away because my culture demands it...so let's try and work something out, okay?" I offer softly. I gasp as she vanishes, a tall dark blue horse marching toward me. I stand, finding myself standing in some kind of void.
"What in the hell..." I mumble.
"Most impressive human. My sister spoke very highly of you and I see her words were not wasted. You care dearly for Barbara, your need to preserve her innocence is most appreciated," the horse greets me.
"Well this is weird..."
"Ah, allow us a moment," the horse laughs. The void is quickly overtaken by a hilltop, a lone tree planted firm and strong, rising high above us. She sits in its shade and pats the spot in front of her with her hoof. In this light I can see her wings. So she's another Alicorn...with a moon on her butt.
"You're Princess Luna, right?" I ask as I sit down.
"How observant, don't think I didn't see those eyes of yours wandering my frame," she smirks.
"Heh, right, sorry," I quickly apologize.
"No need for that my friend, if anything, I should apologize. I did not mean to invade thy dreamscape, but curiosity got the better of us," she explains.
"Thy? Us? Old English?" I ask
"Ah, somewhat like it, I have a habit of slipping into the old tongue at times. I am still adjusting to the way things are now," she says with a wave of her hoof.
"Well, here I thought I was the strange mysterious one," I joke, smiling as she laughs.
"So, dreamscape huh? Does that mean I'm asleep? Barb wasn't really here?"
"Yes, though I am sure if she heard those words it would mean the world to her. I am sure she explained herself to you, but in Dragon Country, that is how they are Courted. Dragon's claim several concubines for their hoard and they are Taken," Luna sighed sadly.
"I see...and she's just used to that happening around her...she was only doing what she knows. I've gotta talk to her," I sigh, leaning against the tree.
"We have faith you will do well," Luna smiles at me.
"We? Old tongue again?" I tease. She stands with a shake of her head.
"No, We, as in I, Twilight Sparkle, and my sister. Good Luck human, and welcome to Equestria"
Alice - FlutterShenanigans
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