A white stallion, complete with a black mane and tail, with both bright green and bright blue highlights, lay flat on his back in a plush field of flowers outside of a small town he didn't recognize. The warm Equestrian sun was radiating on him.

"Ah crap..." he mumbled as he stirred; he felt off, and he was in pain as if he had taken quite a fall. "I didn't want to take a nap." He opened his deep blue eyes and sat up, getting a good look at his surroundings.

He was in a field of flowers, there seemed to be a town not too far off, and what appeared to be a palace in a tree. His jaw slowly dropped, he was at a loss for words; what kind of place was this?

"Hey there!" A friendly female voice spoke behind him.

"Ahh!" the stallion yelped, jumping to his feet, or rather hind hooves... but then he wobbled and felt quite unsteady, falling flat on his face. "Oww... normally that works..."

"Oh goodness... I didn't mean to scare you. You just seemed confused and lost," the voice continued, with a tone of concern.

The stallion looked behind him, seeing a lavender unicorn with wings. She had a purple mane and tail, with what appeared to be violet and magenta streaks in them, and pretty purple eyes. She looked friendly but more curious than such.

The stallion merely blinked, remaining still. He didn't know who she was, or even what she was for that matter.

"Are... are you okay?" The winged unicorn continued, tilting her head.

"Woah..." the stallion stammered. He rolled onto his back and scooted backward, rubbing his eyes in disbelief... surely he didn't just see the unicorn talk.

The unicorn squinted at him, dumbfounded, taking a few steps towards him.

The stallion pulls his forehooves away from his eyes, and he stares at them, his pupils shrink. "What the... WHERE ARE MY HANDS?! I NEED THOSE!"

"Hands?" The unicorn queried, pausing and staring as the stallion glanced around. "Look, sir... Do you need help? You seem-"

The stallion interrupted her, looking back and forth between his hooves and her, "Yes, my hands. My hands are gone. So are my feet. I have a duster growing from my ass. Furthermore, I'm talking to a winged unicorn."

"I'm an alicorn," she stated simply, she wasn't too pleased about the interruption.

"Alicorn. Whatever," he responded, equally simply, before chuckling nervously. "What kind of drugs did those government dudes give me?"

"I wouldn't know the answer to that. But I do know how to help you, you just need to let me..." the alicorn began, making sure the stallion was paying attention, "you need to let me in on what's going on."

"Well if I knew the answer, I'd tell you, miss," he replied, shifting his position so he was sitting upright, "I don't even know why I'm talking to a winged un... Alicorn. This isn't normal for me, okay?"

"Judging from the behavior you're exhibiting, I would think not," The alicorn replied, then she gestured towards herself, "I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Oh, you're a princess now?" the stallion blinked, "There are no presidents here?"

"Presidents? No," Twilight responded, slowly lowering her hoof.

"Senators?" the stallion asked.

"No," came the reply.

"Um... secretaries of state?" he asked.

"Nope," she responded patiently, setting her hoof on the ground and beginning to move it in a circular direction.

"Well if you're a princess... is there a queen?"

"There isn't unless you count Queen Chrysalis," Twilight responded.

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" the stallion exclaimed, throwing his forehooves up in the air and falling onto his back again.

"Well to be fair, you don't make much sense either, mister..." Twilight huffed, waiting for a response. She was growing a little annoyed with this stallion as she walked up to his side and looked down at him.

"Diplo. I am Diplo. I work for Cheezburga Deluxe Extra Premium. Or CDEP for short. Would you like fries and a drink with that?" the stallion replied, laying one of his forehooves across his chest.

Twilight gazed at him with a confused expression as she moved away so he could get up. "What in Equestria is that?"

"It's a fast food chain! How do you not know about it?" Diplo replied, looking just as confused as he sat up and gazed at her.

"Frankly, I've never been there. Look, you're coming with me," Twilight sighed, approaching him once again.

"Hell no, I ain't! I didn't come here to get arrested!" Diplo stated, he tried standing on his hind legs again, as a human would, but he fell back down. He then stood on his four hooves and tried running, to no avail as well.

"Diplo, I'm not arresting you, I just want to-" Twilight started, pausing.

Diplo sat down on his rump and began scooting away from her on it as fast as he could.

Twilight sighed and put one of her forehooves to her face, shaking her head slowly and closing her eyes. Her horn began glowing with a soft purple aura as she magically lifted Diplo off the ground.

"Shit! Put me down!" Diplo tried to struggle in the aura, but it didn't work and Twilight wasn't having any more of his antics.

Twilight frowned and stomped over to him, and she pointed a hoof at his nose. "I can't let somepony like you walk around Ponyville in the state you're in right now and with how you're behaving towards me. I'm taking you back to my library, and we are getting this sorted out. This is for your own good and for the good of everypony else. Understood?"

"What the hell do you mean 'walk?' I can barely even stand up!" Diplo retorted.

"Do you. Understand?" Twilight demanded, she looked about ready to smack the stallion.

"Alright, fine," Diplo murmured. He fell quiet for a minute. "After you finish your lecture can I leave?" He smiled hopefully.

"No."

"Fuck."

"Also, will you please refrain from using profanity when you're in my library? I understand that you're frustrated, and-" Twilight started.

"You're not my mother," Diplo retorted.

"But I AM a princess, so that DOES mean I have authority, so YOU have to listen," Twilight grunted, poking his forehead.

"Alright, alright... fair point," Diplo quietly said.

Twilight dropped Diplo from her magic grip, and he landed with a soft thump on the ground and falls onto his back. Her horn glowed once again, and there was a bright flash, all of a sudden, they were in the library Twilight had mentioned before.

"Woah!" Diplo gasped, looking around frantically, before feeling his body to make sure he was still intact. "WHAT just happened?!"

"We teleported," Twilight sighed, walking over to one bookshelf and beginning to look through it.

"You horses already achieved that ability? Geez... what kind of trick-" Diplo started, but he was silenced by a sudden smack in the face from a suddenly angered Twilight.

"Gah! Jesus! The hell was that for?!" Diplo cried, rubbing his cheek.

"You will NOT refer to us as horses!" Twilight snarled, glaring at him, "I assure you... that I am no prostitute!"

"Well damn..." Diplo murmured, looking at the ground. "That actually kind of hurt."

"Humph," Twilight huffed, turning back to her bookshelf, "You're not a very nice pony, you know that?"

"You're just now figuring that out?" Diplo glanced up at her.

Twilight merely grunted, moving a few books to the side. "Apparently so. I just want to help you out. Is that okay with you, Diplo?"

"Well, you are the one who dragged me here. Now CDEP is going to call me and wonder where I'm at, and I won't be able to answer because I'm here and it's YOUR fault!" Diplo grunted.

Twilight huffed once again, glancing back at him, and starting to levitate books out. "Once I figure out what's happened and the solution to the problem, you're free to do as you please so long as it doesn't hurt anypony. Capiche?"

"Fine... fine..." Diplo murmured as he lay down on the ground, staring at her.

"Good. We finally came to an understanding. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Twilight smiled, levitating a few more books out in her magic as she turned towards him.

"It only cost me a smack in the face and some of my dignity," Diplo muttered, staring dully.

"What is with you?" Twilight grunted, setting the books on the ground and seating herself, "I have never seen a stallion so negative."

"You know, I don't know, Princess! Maybe, just maybe, the aspect of waking up in a rainbow-filled land that is a hundred percent foreign to me ground my gears a little bit!" Diplo retorted, sitting up with a frown. "That and being dragged by the princess of this place-"

"I'm only one of four," Twilight interrupted, levitating one of the books and opening it, gazing at him.

Diplo stared at her, mouth hung open in mid-sentence before he closed it.

Twilight began flipping the pages in her book, looking down at it.

"There's four princesses?" Diplo queried.

"Mhm," Twilight responded.

"AND NO KING OR QUEEN?!" Diplo shouted, putting his forehooves to his head.

"Precisely. You're catching on," Twilight stated, looking back up at him.

"What kind of place is this?!" Diplo asked, hooves still on his head. He wore what looked to be a dreadfully confused and rather shocked expression on his face.

"This is Equestria, Diplo. Have you forgotten?" Twilight looked back at her book.

"I've never been here before," Diplo raised one of his hooves up. "Question."

Twilight sighed and looked up. "Yes?"

"You never answered my question." Diplo lowered his hoof to the ground.

"I didn't?" Twilight responded, tilting her head.

"I still don't know what kind of place this is," Diplo replied, wearing a poker face now.

"Well..." Twilight smiled gently, "This is a place filled with the magic of friendship. Everypony here is protected by the princesses and her guards, and everypony here is happy."

"The magic of friendship?" Diplo put a hoof over his mouth and started snickering. "What kind of crack are you on?"

"Crack?" Twilight asked, her smile fading into a curious gaze. "I'm not sure I know what that is..."

"You don't even know what it is?" Diplo continued snickering.

"I don't... do you think you could find some?" Twilight set her book down and closed it.

"Of course not!" Diplo started laughing.

"And... why not?" Twilight asked.

"Oh my God... BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL!" Diplo fell onto his back and continued laughing.

"Oh... I see... I'm well-informed on the law here, Diplo. I don't think there are any concerning this 'crack' of yours," Twilight stated. She wasn't laughing, her horn glowed as she sat Diplo up with her magic.

Diplo wiped one of his eyes with his hooves and stopped laughing, and sighed.

"This isn't a laughing matter, Diplo," Twilight stated, levitating him closer to her with her magic, and setting him on the ground, "You don't even know how to walk, a mouth like yours could get you in trouble."

"Well no shit," Diplo shrugged.

Twilight then growled as her ears drooped. She raised a hoof to smack him, but decided against it and set it down. "You clearly don't know WHAT I'm talking about... do you?"

Diplo just remained silent for a split moment, looking off to the side before responding. "I feel like the two of us just sitting here is basically me being interrogated."

"Oh, Celestia..." Twilight mumbled, putting a hoof over her eyes and shaking her head.

"The hell's the matter with you?" Diplo asked, smiling coyly.

"I'm dealing with an idiot..." Twilight mumbled with a soft sigh.

"Well, I don't know what you want!" Diplo retorted.

"Answers!" Twilight replied, taking her hoof from her eyes.

"To what?!" Diplo demanded.

"Ugh!" Twilight grunted, getting up and starting to pace around the room in frustration. She then let out a quick breath and walked back over to him, sitting down in front of him once again and closing her eyes and raising her hoof. "Okay... let's just... start over."

"Oh God, we're doing all this again?" Diplo grunted, laying down and putting his hooves over his head, "I don't want any!"

"No no... No..." Twilight sighed, opening her eyes and setting her hoof down, "I want to know what happened to you. You're clearly not from here. That should've been obvious to me from the start."

"Yes, it should have," Diplo responded, peeking out at her.

"Then start from the beginning, Diplo," Twilight instructed simply, gazing at him. Her horn then flashed, and before her floated a notepad and a feathered quill pen, along with a little jar of ink. "I want to know everything."

"Uhh... well..." Diplo mumbled, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head with his hoof, he closed his left eye and looked up. "Alright, I guess. Beats trying to argue with you."

Twilight levitated the pen into the ink and held it at the notepad, looking up at him. "Go on." \

"Well... it all started about four days ago..." Diplo began, opening his eye and setting his hoof down. "When I was in the middle of my job..."

--To be continued--

Author's Note

This is the first chapter of my first story. Hello, world! Honestly, I'm not sure what kind of response it's going to receive. "Hope for the best and expect the worst," as they say. If this receives a fairly good response (I hope it will), I'll start on the second chapter. I hope to hear from people! c: