Tales of Angrish

Tales of Angrish

Part One: WHERE THE @#$! AM I?

The chaos marine emerged over the lip of the battered wall, roaring in savage glee as he fired his bolter into the fleeing and panicking guardsmen beyond. Next to him several other of his battle brothers scrambled over the rubble to get to grips with the enemy. A pair of noise marines clambered over the wall next to him and unleashed their sonic weapons into the Imperial line, the sounds of their high-pitched laughter cutting through the sounds of battle.
“Death to the servants of the corpse god!” the marine yelled, punching a gauntleted fist in the air in triumph. Looking skyward, he saw a faint orange smudge in the storm racked sky, several smudges in fact. Looking closer, he recognised the faint outlines of drop pods falling towards them.
“More meat for the slaughter!” he yelled. The cry was taken up by several of his fellow marines as they watched the pods descend, something seemed wrong though. The drop pods should have been slowing down by now; retro-thrusters firing so their contents wouldn’t arrive as a fine red mist. The marine’s eyes shot wide open as he realised one of drop pods was making a bee line towards him.
“Out of my way!” he yelled, turning to shove one of the oblivious noise marines out of the way. Too late though as a bright yellow pod, somehow unscarred by the ferocious heat of atmospheric entry smashed into him, turning him into little more than a red and pink stain on the ground. A moment later, the pods doors blew open, revealing ten similarly yellow clad warriors carrying a dizzying array of close combat weapons. Within seconds, several other pods had smashed into the chaos lines with impunity.
“ALWAYS ANGRY!” one of the yellow marines yelled out, his voice cutting through the roar of battle.
“ALL THE TIME!” the remainder echoed.

"WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT? ANOTHER SLAANESHI GAYLORD WARBAND. GODDAMNIT, IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN I'LL RIP THAT FUCKING MAKEUP FROM YOUR FACE YOU INSECURE RHINOCEROUS!!" Pounder yelled as he smashed a surprised Chaos marine across the face with his power chair. The blow sent the marine hurtling to the ground, a ragged tear across his armour from where the chair’s crackling power field had effortlessly cut through.
“OH DID I SCAR YOUR FUCKING PRETTY FACE? BOO HOO BITCH.” he yelled for emphasis as he curb stomped the downed marine.
“Death to the servants of the corpse god!” a pink armoured marine yelled as he charged at Pounder, a viciously roaring chainsword gripped in one hand.
“OH SORRY, I DIDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF HOW FUCKING ANGRY I AM!” Pounder roared, pummelling the overeager warrior into the mud with another swing of his power chair.
All around him, his angry brothers were butchering their way through the chaos warband, curses and profanities spewing from their lips with force of a Baneblade’s main cannon. A few Angry Marines had fallen, mostly too the enemies trickery and use of warp power, rather than through their strength of arms.
“APOTHECARY!” one of Pounder’s marines yelled out as his arm was ripped off by a ravening blast of energy.
Ignoring the intensifying enemy fire, Pounder jumped to his feet and heedless of the danger, bounded over to the injured marine.
“PUT THAT LIMB BACK ON AND START FIGHTING! IF YOU CAN’T GET IT TO STICK IN PLACE JUST FUCKING THROW IT AT THEM YOU FAGGOT.” He yelled, picking up and hurling the marines severed arm at a nearby cultist for emphasis. The unlucky cultist’s head caved in as the armoured limb smashed into him.
“NOW GET BACK IN THE FIGHT YOU WEEABOO!” he yelled again, charging forward once more. Spotting a chaos sorcerer hurling Warp fire at his comrades, Pounder changed his course and slaughtered a path towards the renegade pysker.
“Your soul shall be mine!” the sorcerer cackled as he hurled a spear of pink tinted fire at him.
“YOU PUSSY, MAGIC IS FOR FAGGOTS AND SPACE ELVES.” Pounder bellowed, shrugging of the effects of the warp power by sheer anger alone. He swung his power chair down at the sorcerer who blocked with his staff.
“THAT’S A NICE STAFF YOU HAVE THERE FAG, DID YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND MAKE IT FOR YOU?”
“I will enjoy killing you lapdog!” the Chaos Marine growled back. “It will be painful beyond your reckoning.”
“NOT AS MUCH PAIN AS YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL WHEN I SHOVE THIS CHAIR UP YOUR ARSE!” Pounder yelled back, hitting the sorcerer across the chest with his chair. The sorcerer’s armour caved in and he fell backwards. Pounder thrust his fist in the air in triumph.
“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU FAGGOT, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SHOT YOURSELF AND STOPPED WASTING MY TIME.” Pounder said as he searched for a new target. Unseen to him the sorcerer raised himself up on an elbow and cast a new spell, a last vengeance to unleash upon his angry foe. With an angry roar, a crack in reality appeared and a raging hole into the immaterium appeared underneath Pounder.
Defying gravity for a moment, the angry marine looked back at the sorcerer, his eternally angry features somehow even angrier.
“FUUUUUU-.” Was all he managed before he was sucked into the warp and the portal closed on itself.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I’M GOING TO FIND THAT COCKSUCKER AND TEAR HIM AN NEW ARSEHOLE.” He looked around at the swirling vortexes of emotion and insanity that was the warp. Hell wouldn’t be a bad description for it. Any mortal would have driven insane from even a moment of exposure to the raw energy of the warp, but Pounder was so angry he disregarded it like he would a Tyranid Ripper under the sole of his boot. He let out a choice collection of four letter swears and curses. An eternity of floating through the warp did not appeal to Pounder. As he floated, a dim circle appeared near him and started intensifying until it shone with a brilliant blue aura. Sudden it split apart and a large warship ploughed through, oblivious to the stranded marine.
“HEY YOU COCKSUCKERS GET OVER HERE AND PICK ME UP. I’VE GOT AN ARSE THAT STILL NEEDS A CHAIR SHOVED UP IT.”
The ship ignored him and continued moving through the warp.
“HEY DON’T YOU IGNORE ME YOU METAL PIECE OF SHIT. GO GET YOU SHIT FIXED OR I'LL GET A TECHMARINE AND GET HIM TO FIX YOUR SHIT. LITERALLY.” He yelled as the ship floated past silently.
As the tail of the ship past him, the backwash from the plasma drives sent him spinning towards the still closing warp portal it had left.
“YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! I’LL MAKE MY OWN WAY OUT. STUPID GAY PIECE OF SHIT.” He yelled at the departing vessel, making an ancient and crude gesture with his middle finger.
With that, Pounder gripped the edge of the portal back into the materium and ripped it open, creating a new gateway back into the real world.

After several seconds of cursing and fighting off daemons with his bare fists and almost tangible anger, Pounder crawled through the makeshift portal and in an unusual show of responsibility, sealed it back up to prevent the warp energy from leaking through.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?” Pounder bellowed as he suddenly started falling. Based on the temperature his armour’s external temperature gauge was now reading, he must have materialised high in the planet’s atmosphere.
Pounder let out a long “FUUUUUUUUU-.” All the way down, falling like a star as his armour caught fire from the intense heat.
As usual though, Pounder didn't give a shit.
As he fell further into the atmosphere, he noticed something was different. Everything appeared to be cartoony, there were no storms, no flashes of battle and everything seemed too bright and cheery. It hurt his eyes to look at the ground so he closed them and wait for the inevitable bone-jarring crash. Pounder cracked open an eye, surprised by how much closer the ground was.
"I'M GONNA MESS YOUR SHIT UP GROUND." He bellowed, determined to enact some vengeance on this planet before his possible demise. "FUUUUUUUUUCKKKK YOU" He roared as he ploughed into the dirt, carving a several hundred meter long scar in the otherwise pristine earth.
Dusting himself off, Pounder picked himself off the ground, crunching a patch of vitrified earth under his ceramite boots and he looked around. A trail of blackened grass and trees showed the destructive trail he had left in his descent from orbit. Much to his amusement, it appeared that he had destroyed at least one poor unfortunate furry creatures home.
“THAT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS; HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT SET THE FUCKING GROUND ON FIRE? I WAS LIKE A GODDAMN FIREBALL.” he roared, pounding the ground several times with his fist but failing to make any real difference besides a sizeable fist-shaped crater.
“FUCK YOU GROUND!” he yelled before looking up. He appeared to be in the middle of a pastel green field, a shade so bubbly and bright it pained him to stare at it for too long. The world around him was a similar sort of colour and had a similar effect on his senses. Pounder felt his anger levels rise as a sickeningly sweet pair of butterflies flew past his visor. In the distance a quaint village sat across a river; dozens of small shapes could be seen running around and between the houses in panic.
Pounder didn’t like this place. Wherever ‘This place’ was.
“AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN THE FUCKING WARP. AT LEAST I’VE GOT SHIT I CAN MESS UP HERE.” He growled, stomping a flower into the dirt.
"YEAH, TAKE THAT FLOWER. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING IN MY WAY."
“Excuse me sir, are you alright?”
Pounder spun around and found himself looking down at a small pony that barely came up to his knee. It was hideously pastel lavender with a deep purple mane. A single pink highlight ran through its mane and tail. A strange looking horn stuck out of its head and was pointed squarely at Pounders forehead. Its voice was undoubtedly female.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?” he cried out, reeling back in horror. “WHAT FAGGOTRY IS THIS?”
The pony drew back slightly at his booming voice.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, THIS PLACE MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. DON’T TELL ME I’VE ENDED UP ON THE FUCKING PRETTY MARINE HOME WORLD. THOSE FAGS ARE FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I BET THEY WOULD LOVE HIS PLACE, FULL OF BRIGHT COLOURS AND SHITTY TALKING PONIES. ALL GAY AND PRETTY FOR THEM.”
“Excuse me?” the pony said, perhaps a little offended
“ALRIGHT I’LL PLAY ALONG, WHERE THE FUCK AM I?”
“Could you speak a little softer maybe?”
“FUCK NO, ANGRY MARINES HAVE TWO VOLUMES: LOUD AND EVEN FUCKING LOUDER. QUIET TALK IS FOR PUSSIES.”
The pony cocked her head in confusion, she didn’t understand most of what this new ‘thing’ that had fallen from the sky was saying, but judging by the tone of voice and the inflection of the words, it didn’t sound very friendly.
“You’re in Equestria. But I have a better question for you. What are you?”
“OH GREAT, EQUESTIA, SOUNDS LIKE SOME NAME THE THOSE PRETTY MARINE FAGS WOULD GIVE TO SOMETHING. I’M DEFINITELY ON ONE OF THEIR GAY PLANETS.
“Pretty Marine?”
“GAY FAGS WHO SERVE THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND.” Pounder explained pointedly. He turned on his heel and marched off, the pony following at his heels.
She shook her head. “Never heard of an Emperor or Mankind.” She suddenly looked excited. “Are there more of you?”
“WHAT’S WITH ALL THE FUCKING QUESTIONS? DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LIBRARY? I HAVE A BETTER QUESTION. WHY AM I TALKING WITH A FUCKING LITTLE PONY” Pounder bellowed, coming to a stop and glaring at the small horse.
“What does ‘Fuck’ mean?” Twilight asked curiously.
“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, I JUST USE IT ALL THE TIME SO I SOUND MORE FUCKING ANGRY, YOU GOT THAT YOU STUPID HORSE?”
“Hey I’m not fucking stupid!” Twilight angrily responded,. Her angry expression became one of glee as she managed to use the new word in context.
Pounder laughed loudly. “HOLY FUCK, I’M A FUCKING GENIUS, I TAUGHT A PONY HOW TO FUCKING SWEAR IN UNDER A MINUTE. I BET ALL THOSE PRETTY MARINE FAGS WILL LOVE THIS. SPEAKING OF THEM, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THOSE DICKWADS? OH YEAH, THEY WERE PROBABLY TOO FUCKING BUSY BLOW DRYING THEIR HAIR AND DUSTING THEIR ARMOUR OFF TO NOTICE ME FALLING FROM SPACE." He stopped for a moment and looked around, noticing how ridiculous this situation was. "WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL TALKING WITH A PONY?”
“And why am I talking with a yellow giant who fell out of the sky?”
“BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AND EVERYBODY HATES YOU, BITCH.”
The pony looked a little rustled. “I have plenty of friends. Would you like to meet them?”
“NO WAY, I’M NOT FUCKING GOING TO SOME SHITTY MEET AND GREET.”
“Oh please! You can teach me more about this ‘Fuck’ and all these other strange words you keep using.” She offered.
Pounder stopped and thought for a moment. If there was anything he liked more than beating the shit of stuff with his power chair, it was pissing off Pretty Marines. If he could get more of these ponies talking like him, it sure as hell would piss the Pretty Marines off.
“FINE, BUT IF I SEE ONE FUCKING PRISSY PIECE OF SHIT, I’M OUT.”
“So what can I call you? ‘Big yellow giant who fell from the sky’ doesn’t have quite the ring to it.”
“YOU CAN CALL ME POUNDER. OR 'MESSES UP FAGS UP WITH A POWER CHAIR'. YOUR CHOICE.”
“Nice to meet you Pounder, my name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE? THAT’S A NICE NAME; I BET THOSE PRETTY MARINES FAGS WERE HAVING A WHOLE LOT OF WANK OVER THAT.”
Twilight again cocked her head to the side in confusion. “I don’t get it.”
“HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.” Pounder bellowed, rubbing his helmet.

“So what are you?” Twilight asked. The pair had been walking for a little while now, Pounder complaining about how bright, cheerful and ‘Gay’ everything was. He apparently was in severe pain from all the ‘Faggotry’ everywhere.
“I’M AN ANGRY MARINE. I BEAT SHIT AND GENERALLY BE ANGRY.”
“Sounds… fun?” Twilight guessed
“FUN, IT’S THE BEST THING EVER." Pounder said, his voice taking on a hint of excitement for the first time. "BEATING THE SHIT OUT A PANSY SPACE ELF OR A BUNCH OF THOSE SLAANESHI PRICKS, THEN WE’LL GO HAVE A SHIT TON TO DRINK AND ORDER LIKE A THOUSAND PIZZAS TO THE PRETTY MARINE HOMEWORLD AND STICK IN SOME DVDS OF 7TH HEAVEN OR TWILIGHT OR OTHER GAY SHIT LIKE THAT IN AND MAYBE SOME REALLY HARDCORE PORN OR SOMETHING. LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS COULD USE SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THIS PLACE REALLY HURTS MY FUCKING HEAD. IT'S LIKE FUCKING BRAIN CANCER."
“I’ll take a note of that.” She levitated a quill up and wrote it down on a piece of parchment she had.
“HOLY FUCK, HOW THE HELL DID YOU THAT? DON’T TELL ME IT WAS FUCKING MAGIC.”
“It was… magic?” she said cautiously.
“HERESY! BURN THE WITCH!” he yelled jumping at her. While he had lost his power chair in the short trip through the warp, his armoured fists would do fine in tearing the heretical equine limb from limb.
“Woah!” Twilight cried out, jumping backwards and casting another spell to freeze Pounder. He was stopped mid bound, his helmet lenses seemingly moving and growing with rage.
“PUT ME DOWN YOU FUCKING WITCH! I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP SO HARD AND TE-.” He was cut short by Twilight placing a silencing spell on him.
“Magic is not heresy. It’s normal. Everypony has it. Well, all the unicorns do at least. Now pull yourself together or I’ll send you back to where you came from.” she threatened
She unsilenced him so he could talk back.
“OH I’D FUCKING LOVE THAT, I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS GAY SHITTY PLANET, JUST FLING ME BACK INTO SPA-.” He was cut off again as Twilight flicked her head back and sent him hurtling into the sky.
“What the fuck just happened?” she asked herself, experimenting with the strange new word she had learnt. Shrugging nonchalantly, she continued trotting to Ponyville. The yellow giant was somepony else's problem now.