Tales of Angrish

Chapter five: Return to Faggotville.

Pounder smashed his fist into the command console, denting the thick plate of metal.
“WHY AREN’T WE ON THE GROUND YET?!” He roared. His Battle Barge ‘Ass Pounder’ had been in orbit for ten minutes, too long for the angry captain.
“Our entry to the atmosphere must be slower Captain or we will burn up from orbital entry.” The cognitor explained calmly, oblivious to the Angry Marine Captain’s simmering rage.
“FUCK THAT SHIT.” He yelled, ripping a servitor out of the navigation console and taking its place. Gripping the tiny controls, Pounder pushed them forward, sending the Battle Barge into a headlong collision course with the ground. The doors to the bridge slid open and a quartet of similarity armoured giants walked into the room.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FAGGOTS? I’M TRYING TO FLY THIS HUNK OF SHIT.”
“THE MASTER OF MINDFUCKERY HAS SENSED A POWERFUL RIFT IN THE WARP CAPTAIN POUNDER. IT RIED TO INFILTRATE THE SHIP LIKE A PUSSY WEEABOO BUT THE VOID SHIELD REPELLED IT.” One of his honour guards announced.
“BOO HOO, ARE YOU AFRAID OF A FUCKING LITTLE DAEMON INCURSION YOU SLITHERING TWAT?”
The angry marine hesitated for a second. “IT’S NO DAEMON SIR.” The marine looked genuinely confused for a second, a sure sign that something was wrong.
“DAMN YOU COCKSUCKERS, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE MYSELF?” Pounder roared, trying to forget his anger management classes. It was important for an Angry Marine to Capitan to be always angry, all the time, so he could be an example for the troops he led.
Pounder opened a link to the Master of Mindfuckery attached to his company, waiting with surprising patience for the librarian to respond to his hail.
“WHAT IS IT DICKWAD?” The librarian shouted over the link, politely greeting the Capitan,
“STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR DICK AND TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG.”
“I DETECTED A WARP SPIKE. TELEPORTATION SIR.”
“WELL YANK THE FUCKER OUT OF THE WARP AND PUT HIM HERE SO I CAN FUCK HIM UP.”
The link snapped off. A moment later a prickling sensation ran along Pounder’s arms. The sharp tang of ionising ozone filled the air as a purple bubble appeared in the centre of the bridge.
“WITCHCRAFT IS FOR FAGGOTS.” One of the honour guards hollered.
“SHUT YOUR COCK FACE.” Pounder roared as a familiar shape materialised inside the bubble.
It was a pony. A pair of ponies to be precise.
“FUCKING HELL NOT THESE FAGS AGAIN.” Pounder groaned as the pony resolved into the shape of an annoyingly familiar unicorn he had met before.
His honour guard drew their weapons, a vast assortment of melee weapons ranging from clubs to sacks full of adamantium doorknobs but sheathed them obediently when Pounder backhanded one across the face.
“SHE’S MINE.” Pounder roared yanking the pony he remembered as ‘TWILIGHT SHINY-VAMPIRE-FAGGOT’ up to eye level.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”
She looked around sheepishly.
“Umm… hi?”

Pounder grunted and dropped the unicorn a full two meters to the ground as he noticed the second pony.
“BUTTERFUCK!” He roared gleefully, reaching to pluck the diminutive Pegasus off the ground.
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME FAGGOT.”
“WHATEVER YOU SAY FUCKTARD.” Pounder roared, dropping the somewhat angry Pegasus.
“SO WHAT ARE YOU TWO FURFAGS DOING HERE? DIDN’T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN GAY PLANET TO FUCK ON?”
“We’re here because we need… your help.” Twilight said, barely a whisper compared to the booming voice of Pounder.
“WHAT THINKS WE’D HELP YOU, XENOS SCUM?” One of Pounder’s guards roared.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I’LL RIP YOUR ASSHOLE OUT AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT.” Fluttershy roared. “NOW LISTEN TO THE BITCH.” She dropped back her normal voice. “If you don’t mind that is.”
The five angry marines looked suitably impressed.
“As I was saying…” Twilight said sheepishly. “We need your help.”

It was a lovely day in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash had woken up early for once and cleared the sky, allowing the warm sunshine to cover the village. Deep drifts of snow filled the fields and the warm breath of ponies frosted in the morning air. Nothing had gone wrong, Cerberus was busy playing with his ball in Tartarus, the dam hadn’t sprung a leak and Pinkie had even refrained from bending physics.
Naturally all good things must end.
A large purple ball appeared in one of the outer fields and a loud crack followed as the air was displaced by two small ponies and five hulking giants.
“WELCOME TO FAGGOTVILLE, TRY NOT TO STARE AT THE GAY SHIT TOO MUCH.” Pounder yelled, crushing a frozen flower under his armoured boot.
The four other angry marines nodded in unison and looked around uneasily.
“So… um… Pounder… How about you come along to the library? I’m sure the princess will want to talk to you.”
“PONY PRINCESS? IS SHE PINK?”
“She’s a majestic white.”
“YOU SHOULD PAINT HER PINK. LITTLE FUCKING GIRLS WOULD LINE UP TO BUY HER. MAYBE DRAW SOME COCKS ON HER OR SOMETHING.”
Twilight cocked her head in confusion.
“WHATEVER. TAKE ME TO YOUR COCKLORD.” He pointed at his honour guards “HEY, DICKWADS, GO FUCK SHIT UP.”

Pinkie Pie bounced through the streets of Ponyville with glee. Although there was nothing in particular that made the day good, she had a feeling that today was a good day to be Pinkie. That thought in mind, she bounced up and down, oblivious to the fact that everypony else had vanished from sight.
She was so focused on bouncing, she didn’t notice anything wrong until she ran nose first into an armoured shin. She craned her neck upwards and locked eyes with a yellow armoured giant.
“WATCH IT FAGGOT.” The giant boomed.
“Hey I know you, you’re an Angry Marine!” she bounced up and down on the spot.
“FUCKIN’ DUH.” The giant yelled, turning around and booting a nearby bucket with his armoured boot.
“HEY, WATCH OUT YOU COCKHEAD.” Another giant boomed as he appeared around the corner, the bucket whizzing past his head.
“SUCK IT, BITCH.” The first one roared, raising his middle finger.
“THAT’S WHAT I SAID TO YOUR MUM LAST NIGHT.”
Pinkie snapped her head back and forth between the giants as the continued hurling abuse at each other. Compared to her last encounter with an Angry Marine, Pinkie felt much more at ease. She briefly wondered what had happened to the last marine, Pounder, after the grenade she had thrown hit him. Maybe the two Marines knew him, maybe he was their friend!
‘Hey I could ask these two, what a great idea Killbles! I should listen to you more ofte-‘

Shut the hell up Pinkie

Pinkie shook her head. What was she just about to do? That’s right, ask the brawling marines about Pounder.
“Hey, you two wouldn’t know a Pounder would you? He was a big yellow guy just like you!”
The two giant’s heads snapped around and locked on Pinkie.
“POUNDER IS AN ANGRY MOTHERFUCKER. HE’S OUR CAPTAIN FURBALL.”
“He’s okay then? Can I see him pleeease! I’m really sorry for throwing that vortex thing at him.”
“POUNDER IS BUSY TALKING WITH PRINCESS COCKFACE.” The marine said, turning a cobblestone to dust as he shifted uncomfortably. The fact that Pounder had agreed to see this plan proposed by... Xeno scum... troubled him.
“We don’t have a Princess Cockface, do we?” Pinkie asked.
“DO NOW, FAGGOT.”
“Okie dokie…” Pinkie said uncertainly. She resumed her previously bubbly attitude. “Hey do you guys want to come help me out?”
“DO WE GET TO BREAK SHIT?” One boomed.
“Sure do!”

Princess Celestia strained to keep her composure as the yellow giant Twilight called ‘Pounder’ smashed through the wall with contemptuous ease.
“Princess, allow me to introduce you to Capitan Pounder.” Twilight said, bowing low. She glanced nervously at the new door Pounder had made but returned her attention to the Princess.
“A pleasure to meet you, sir.” Celestia said as calmly as she could.
“SHUT UP BITCH AND GIVE ME A PAINT POT. SLAANSHI PINK SOUNDS GOOD ABOUT NOW.”
Twilight looked at desperately at Pounder, she wished she had brought Fluttershy along; the diminutive Pegasus seemed to have some measure of control over him.
Ignoring his harsh words, Celestia continued unfazed.
"I have asked my student t-.”
“STUDENT? MORE LIKE RAPE TOY.” Pounder yelled. “HOW DOES THE HORN FIT?”
Celestia gritted her teeth. “I have asked Twilight to bring you here as we require your help. A matter which we are… most unsuited for has arisen and someone with your talents are needed.”
“I DON’T SEE HOW GETTING YOUR MUM TO SUCK MY DICK IS GOING TO HELP YOU.”
“I meant a different talent.” Celestia said. “As Twilight put it… ‘Fucking shit up’”
“FUCK SHIT UP? WHAT’S WRONG, SOME ANTS GET TO DOMINANT FOR YOU PUSSIES??”
“No, we found this.” She levitated a score of pictures from a folder and held them up for the yellow giant to see.
He scrutinised the photos for a moment before tensing up, a reaction that most pleased Celestia.
Pounder glared at the Princess, the photo in his gauntlet starting to smoke from the immense rage contained in his palms.
“YOU’VE GOT A DEAL COCKFACE.”