Letters From Octavia

Vinyl Scratch stood outside Filly Foolin’ Around, the club where she has recently begun work. It was a bitterly cold night as winter had started to set in. She read the letter again and again, a broad smile on her face.
“That’s my girl…” Her eyes gleamed with tears, but even she wasn’t sure if it was from the wind blowing in her face or from the pride that swelled inside her. Neon Lights, a stallion with a blue-gray coat and a dark gray mane, exited the club and saw her standing there, reading the letter. He trotted up to her.
“Vinyl, what are you still doing here?” He asked, seeming genuinely glad to see her.
“Oh hey, Neon!” Vinyl floated the letter into her bag and buttoned it closed. “I was just about to head home.”
“Well I was just about to head to a bar. Wanna come?” He asked, cheerfully. Vinyl thought a moment, considering the letter. Back home in Canterlot, she wouldn’t have hesitated to go out with friends and drink all night because Octavia would always come with her and walk her back. But now….
“Nah, sorry, I have to get home. I got some things I need to do.”
“Come on, it can’t wait till tomorrow?” He asked, bouncing his eyebrows up and down as if that would shake the DJ’s resolve. She couldn’t send a reply till tomorrow anyway, even if she wrote it tonight. She would have time to get it sent before the mailmare would pass her apartment.
“Only if you’re buying!” Vinyl grinned and walked with Neon through the windy clubbing district.

Vinyl sat on the edge of her seat, swaying slighting and causing her drink to stream down the sides of her glass. At this point in the night and on her fourth drink, even unicorn magic began to get shaky. She laughed hoarsely at Neon’s jokes which were barely registering at this point. Her mind was growing fuzzier by the second. Neon said a stream of words that must have been the beginning of a story or maybe just drunken gibberish, but Vinyl caught one word in it; classical. Her mind was working slow at this point, but she could focus on one thing; her mare back home. Slowly, Vinyl’s face fell and she slouched into the corner of the booth.
“Hey… Hey dude… what’s wrong?” Neon stuttered out, leaning across the table.
“I think I’m done…” Her reason wasn’t all gone yet. She slid the glass across the table.
“Come on, what’s up?” Neon slurred.
“I used to live in Canterlot before I moved here to… ya know… get the DJ career going and stuff. They’re snobby and they don’t like my kind of music, ya know? But I had to leave my little filly there cause she does classic... stuff…” Vinyl’s head was swimming now and although she could think of the concepts she was discussing, phrasing them was becoming hard. “She wouldn’t have a chance here. So I left her there to… do her thing…”
“You miss her?”
“Yeah… I think about her... Like, every little.... But this is kind of the better… Yeah.” Vinyl rubbed her head and slowly stood. All four of her legs shook and wobbled. For a moment she didn’t think she could walk but then, after a few seconds, she steadied herself. “Thanks Neon. Gotta get home.”
“Want me to take you home? It’s not safe to be out on the street alone?” Neon asked, stumbling up next to Vinyl. She thought about the weakness in her legs and considered it. But she lived nearby and thought she could make it. “Nah, thanks buddy boo. I got this…” She giggled at her own words, which seemed funnier than they actually were, then stumbled out into the cold night. There was nopony around for miles by the looks of things. It would be alright, she told herself, it’s just a little walk. But her eyelids were already growing incredibly heavy and her legs felt twice weaker than they had before. The world began to dissolve around her as she took a few steps and fell to ground hard, her face smacking right into the cold, cobblestone street.

Vinyl awoke the next morning with a throbbing head and a very sore nose. It wasn’t remotely the worst hangover she’d ever had, but it was enough of an excuse not to open her eyes. She lay silently for a long time, trying to get back to sleep, but then it suddenly hit her; she was in her bed. Her eyes shot open.
“No! Buck me! No!” She raised up and looked around, her eyes adjusting to the blinding light which streamed through the window. Her panic began to subside. There was nopony else in her bed and nopony in the bedroom. She relaxed and sank back into bed. She laughed with relief, now a little shaky. It hadn’t happened yet but there was always a panic when she had not had Octavia to bring her home, that she may go home with somepony else. She lay snug in the bed and rolled over with a sigh. Everything was okay…. Then the microwave went off in the kitchen and Vinyl sat up again. She felt frozen, like she’d been dropped ice water. She couldn’t have…. Not after all these years. Vinyl slowly, soundlessly got out of bed and walked into the adjoined kitchen/living room. There in the kitchen stood Neon Lights. Vinyl’s legs shook and her eyes filled with tears that she hurriedly blinked back.
“Morning dude, I hope you don’t mind but I raided your fridge.” Neon poured ketchup on a tray of microwavable hayfries and began munching them.
“W-what are you doing here, Neon?” Vinyl asked, and despite her best efforts, her voice betrayed how close she was to tears.
“I brought you back here cause you passed out on the sidewalk and I was pretty drunk too so I just slept on your couch. I figured you wouldn’t mind.” Vinyl felt the warmth return to her face and the weakness in her legs doubled. She sat down on the sofa and buried her face in her hooves. So she hadn’t done anything. It was all okay. Neon put a hoof on Vinyl’s back and she looked up at him.
“You okay, Scratch?” Vinyl nodded with a smile.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for bringing me back here, Neon.” She said. He grinned and went back to the kitchen.
“Hey, what are friends for?” He asked. He finished his hayfries and grabbed his sunglasses. “Well, I got to get back. See ya later, dude.” Vinyl waved to him as he left, and as soon as he had shut the door, she pulled out her letter from Octavia. She read it through once more, then got out a piece of paper and a pen.

“Hey babe,
I miss you too. I’m so happy you got a new gig. You’re gonna be awesome. I’m working at a nightclub now, called…”

Vinyl stopped and thought about what Tavi would say. Knowing her, she was probably already scared that Vinyl would become interested in somepony else. She crossed out the word “called” and put a period.

“I’m already saving for us. So, you want me to tell you about the future again? Geez, you're gonna be sick of it before we even get there. We’re gonna have a big, beautiful house, not just a crappy apartment. Our own house. And we’ll have our own space to play and we'll keep our home filled with music. And we’re gonna blow this world away, babe. We’ll do things with music that Equestria has never seen before.

Babe, listen. I know how out of nowhere this is gonna seem, but... I'm sorry. I wasted so much time of our time together. It’s not your fault that you need a little extra attention sometimes. I used to get so mad at you, for little things…. Nothing, sometimes…. We had so much time together and I feel like I wasted most of it getting mad all the time. Babe, I hope you know how much you mean to me. How much I love you. I thought…” But she couldn’t keep writing.

She wanted to say that she always thought there would be more time to say all the important things, that she thought there would be more time before opportunity called on her, that she had wasted all the precious time they had by arguing about things that were ultimately unimportant. She wanted to beg Octavia’s forgiveness. She wanted to confess all the times she kept arguments going just because she was too proud to admit when she was wrong, she wanted admit that she realized when she was just being an ass but kept hurting Octavia’s feeling just because she was too proud to apologize, and most of all, Vinyl wanted to tell Octavia that she was going to be better. That she would be more patient, that she would never fuss at her again for being jealous, that she would never call her stupid again; Oh that awful day she had called her stupid. Octavia had never acted the same after that. It crushed the little mare. It was then that Vinyl realized how thoughtless she was, it was then that she began to think that she was abusing her little filly. She had held her and apologized so many times since then, but it couldn’t erase it. Octavia had been scared because Vinyl had to stay hours after her gigs were scheduled to end. She didn’t understand that it took a long time to clear up after and pack the equipment. Octavia had been in tears, yelling that if she wasn't enough that Vinyl should just leave her. Then Vinyl impulsively shouted that she was stupid to think something so ridiculous . The argument ended abruptly after that.

What had happened to them? They were so happy at one point. They did romantic, spontaneous things once upon a time and they were close. They cuddled more back then, kissed more, made love more… The two mares were still young, so why did they both feel so old? Why did they argue like this when they were sharing the prime of their lives? Why did Vinyl abuse their time by never giving? Why was it she just took and took and took from the little gray mare? She slowly began to write.

“I thought it was best to do it now though. Octavia, you have to leave. You have to find somepony else or I’m going to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Please babe, I just want you happy. I know it’ll hurt for a long time, but eventually you will find somepony so much better. It won’t be hard and it won’t take long. You deserve somepony worthy of you, and I will never be that pony. You’ll always have all my love, my little pony. But this is the best way I know how to love you.
Yours, always.
Vinyl.”

Vinyl’s eyes glistened as she sealed the letter and stood up. Her hooves trembled. Somewhere in her brain she knew she would never send it, but how else was her Tavi ever going to be happy? Vinyl felt that she had ruined the little mare's own self-worth. But the truth is, Tavi never had any. How could she ever fix it when she'd been broke so long? She couldn’t, was the simple answer. It was best to leave, let her recover and then heal. Eventually she would… Find someone else to abuse her. Probably somepony worse. Vinyl suddenly felt trapped, absolutely trapped. If she left with her only relationship experience being one like this, why would she seek out anything better? If she left Octavia, she was condemning her to more abuse; worse abuse. Her horn lit up with magical aura and ignited the letter which burned in her hooves. Vinyl sat down, feeling like a wild animal trapped in a cage. She closed her eyes and sighed. What could she do?

After a moment, Vinyl began to think…. Could I be different? Could I stop being so impatient? Could I just take all the times she freaks out about nothing? Could I take it every time she accuses me of cheating without arguing or just reassure her every time she says that I deserve better? It was easy to say yes to those things, but not so easy to remain committed to doing them when she needed reassurance dozens of times a day. Octavia’s mother had abused her constantly when she was a foal. She never felt good enough, she never felt needed, she never felt like Vinyl was actually there to stay. It always felt like she was fighting Octavia’s mother whenever she would argue with her, and sometimes it caused Vinyl to forget who her anger was affecting. She hated the pain Octavia had went through, and so sometimes the anger at her pain, caused her to hurt Octavia herself. It was complicated though Vinyl didn’t think for a minute that it justified her actions. Octavia's suspicious nature and overly emotional response to basically everything drove Vinyl to distraction at some points. Even so, Vinyl couldn't say either of them truly abused the other. It was too complex to simply say their relationship was abusive or that it was mutually harmful. Vinyl’s heart ached to think that it could indeed be harmful to her cellist. Dealing with somepony like Octavia took so much patience, but then, so did dealing with Vinyl. Could she be that kind of pony? Like the Faustian Order of monks who were unnaturally serene and never raised their voices? There was blame that they had to share, and Vinyl imagined that Octavia knew that too. She thought a long minute.
"I can't leave her or that will end up hurting her worse... so I have to be better." Vinyl nodded, resolutely. That was all there was to it. She wasn't good enough to deserve her marefriend, she never could be; but no one else was either. "I guess I'll have to do." She said to herself, determinedly. She had no choice but to be the mare that Octavia needed. Whether or not she could didn't matter, for there was no choice. If it took the rest of her life, that was a good way to spend it. Octavia was worth it. She grabbed her bag and put on her shades, and left to go somewhere that she had rarely ever been before; the library.