Letters From Octavia

Octavia lay in the middle of her apartment, stirring slightly. She had passed out as soon as she got inside. The door was not even shut properly but it couldn’t be opened either, because of the mare that lay blocking it. There was a knock, before letters dropped on top of the pony from the mail slot. Twitching and groaning slightly, she opened her eyes. She reached down, without really looking, and felt for the mail. She pulled the three envelopes up onto her belly and then, turning over a little, she looked at the clock. It was three in the afternoon. Octavia groaned and laid the mail on the ground so she could look through the letters without moving again. Almost immediately however, she jumped a foot in the air as she saw the name Vinyl Scratch. Ripping the letter open, she began hungrily reading it.

“My Tavi,
Your letter made me so happy. I’ve missed you so much. I'm always thinking about how beautiful your sweet little face is, and those sexy flanks. And how everything you do is so adorable. Guess that's why I adore you. I cherish every moment we have together, my love.”

Octavia stopped reading. The hangover was keeping her from fully processing it. Vinyl Scratch had written her an honest-to-Celestia love letter. Vinyl was never a hopeless romantic. She just didn’t do things like this. That was alright, of course, Octavia loved her just as she was, but this was so unexpected that it made her groggy mind reel.

“I can’t wait to see you, to hold you close and kiss every inch of you. I’m so proud of you for making it into a new ensemble. I’ll come back home just to see you play if you’ll tell me when. You are so talented and so special and you deserve the world. I am working so hard to give you just a little bit of what you deserve. My heart will be aching for you until you write again. I love you and I adore you. And honey, you never have to tell me you’ve been faithful. I know you are as true as can be. Be good for me. :)
Love,
Vinyl.”

Stunned, she looked down to see that inside the envelope was a check, written out in the sum of a hundred bits. Octavia lay back on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Why the change? Why the sudden tenderness? She wanted to cling to the letter and cry with joy, but she couldn’t help it. There was something off about the whole thing. Vinyl was not that type of pony. She would never be that open. She would never be so gentle. Something was wrong. Octavia rolled slowly onto her stomach and with all her strength, she lifted herself onto all fours. As she stood, swaying back and forth, she thought about it as reasonably as her brain would allow through the haze of alcohol. Vinyl was being overly romantic, which must mean she felt guilty. Why would she feel guilty? Could she have found somepony else? Was this her way of letting her down easy? Octavia’s eyes burned but she had cried enough. She shook her head.
“I’m not crying again…” She whispered to herself. “This is for the best. She has found somepony better than me. It was always a matter of time.” She sat down and pulled out her pencil and paper again.

“Dear Vinyl,
I don’t understand what's going on. I don't know why you are being so different but I'm scared. I wasn't going to tell you anything about what I've been going through, but I'm terrified now. I can't lose you, Vinyl. You're all I have.”

Her eyes gushed with tears and her head was practically screaming in agony. If her head hadn’t been aching from the worst hangover of her life, perhaps she would have stopped to think about the huge leaps in logic she was making. Perhaps if she didn’t still have so much alcohol clouding her judgement, she would have realized that the kind words were exactly what they seemed, a very genuine love letter. But Octavia’s mind wasn’t thinking logically, and considering this kind of romantic language was not something she'd ever experienced, she couldn't entirely be blamed for assuming them to be antagonistic. Her tears dropped freely on the paper but she didn’t care this time.

“Please, if you've found somepony else, don't let me down easy. Don't sing and dance around it to make it hurt less. Especially don't say things like that and make me feel...” She scratched out the last sentence, not even bothering to erase it. "Please just tell me what's going on and what I'm missing. You've never said you adored me... Please don't hurt me like this, Vinyl. Just leave if you are going to but don't ruin me like this."

She sealed the letter as her heart ached within her tiny body, and she held onto it like a lifeline. She couldn't move; she felt shattered, even more so than when she had been unable to write for a full month. Every muscle in her core was throbbing and forcing her to double over in agony as she cried. After a long hour of fixedly watching the letter, Octavia sat slowly up and stumbled out of bed. Her legs felt weak and stiff, but she didn’t care enough to stretch them. She picked up Vinyl’s envelope, pulled out the check and stared at it. She considered it intently, trying to fool herself for a brief moment. She pondered buying substantive food and new sheets, maybe even coffee. She thought about staying sober and trying to get her life together in case Vinyl did want her back. But after a few minutes, she stopped the charade and admitted that she knew exactly what it would go toward.

After sliding the letter into the mailbox outside the apartment and cashing the check Vinyl had sent her, Octavia made her way to the bar. She sat at the counter and laid her head down.
“Hello Miss Octavia.” Said Single Shot, the barmare. “The usual?” Octavia raised her tear-stained face and nodded.
“Thank you, Shotty.” She slurred the words as if she’d already been drinking. Single Shot nodded sadly and poured a glass of Applejack Daniels into a glass with a few ice cubes. She started to put the bottle away. “Why do you even bother?” Octavia asked. Shot sighed and set the bottle on the counter top.
“I guess it’s habit, Miss.”
“Well leave it and get a few more bottles for me.” Octavia slammed the glass back and gasped as the burning liquid hit her throat. Her eyes crossed slightly. Octavia thought that this must be pretty close to what a suffocating fish felt like when they were put back into water. It was like a breath of life. “I just got a check from my marefriend and I’m going to spend it all here.” She choked out. "She'll probably be my ex by tomorrow... I've never had an ex, you know? I've never even kissed anypony else..." She began to cry openly. Single Shot looked around at the crowded bar and then back to Octavia before leaning in to talk quietly.
“You come here every night, please Miss. Don’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“If you don’t want my business then there are other places I can go!” Octavia yelled and everypony got quieter, although no one turned around or acknowledge her. Single Shot raised up and poured the glass full to brim. Octavia smiled and drained half the glass in one gulp. An orange unicorn, who had been seated nearby, began making his way over as the cellist calmed back down. Sitting next to her, he looked nonchalantly at Shot and then to Octavia.
“Hey.” The stallion said.
“Buck off.” Octavia snorted.
“I just wanted to talk.”
“I don’t care. Leave me alone.” She replied, draining another glass.
“Look, I couldn’t help hearing you got dumped…. I did too. It helps to have a friend.” He said, softly. Octavia gestured for more and her glistening eyes seemed to grow less focused.
“I’m gay.” She slurred. The stallion grinned, good-naturedly.
“I told you I just want to talk.” He said. Octavia was now on her fifth - or was it sixth - drink and she was beginning to have trouble seeing clearly. She slammed it back and some of the whiskey splashed over her lips and down her neck. She closed her eyes. It was beginning to catch up to her. She swayed on her stool, and reached over to support herself on the stallion’s shoulder.
“Shot, I need a cab….” She said, slowly. The bartender scowled.
“I keep one on standby for you, Miss.” She replied, coldly. Octavia stumbled to her feet.
“I can take you home?” The stallion offered, innocently. Octavia stepped away from him, toward Shot. “L-let me buy a bottle to take home too, alright?”
“No, that’s it for tonight…” Octavia reached across the bar and grabbed one of the full bottles and slammed a hoofful of bits on the counter. Single Shot looked outraged. “Hey!”
“Keep the bucking change.” Octavia mumbled, and stumbled backward with her bottle and out the door. She cradled the bottle like a child as she passed the cab that was waiting for her, and started to swagger her way down the street. She didn't feel the cold as she walked, in fact the world felt obscenely warm and stuffy to her. Luckily, Octavia was still just sober enough to manage finding her street. Between the corner where she saw the street sign and the lobby however, she lost a lot of her stamina, and she was almost unconscious when she climbed into the elevator. The drunken mare slumped in the corner. The fact that she’d made it to the building at all was a miracle, but she wasn’t getting all the way to the tenth floor. Without pressing a button, she slid down the wall and passed out as the elevator slid closed.

The next morning, Octavia awoke to find her landlord staring down at her. Despite the judgmental eye she was being given, the drunken mare could not muster up the will to move quickly. She wasn't even sure where she was. Looking around, she realized that she was still in the elevator floor.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Give me a second...” She crawled, dragging her back legs, out of the elevator. Octavia had to squint because the light streaming through the windows were so bright. The landlord got in the elevator himself, shaking his head with exasperation as he pressed the button and began the journey back down to the lobby. Octavia unlocked her door and slid inside, and into the floor. Who needed beds? The floor was perfectly fine. The splitting agony in her head almost distracted her from the terrible hole in her heart. She opened the full bottle she had brought home and leaned against the wall. Octavia had always loved her whiskey, it was a guilty pleasure that she'd never denied, but she had never been drunk before the night Vinyl left. She took care of herself back then because Vinyl wanted her; she had to be perfect for her gorgeous marefriend. But now Vinyl would never return, not as far as the poor little mare’s drunken mind was concerned. She unscrewed the bottle and started sucking it in like a foal drinking milk. Vinyl would never stroke her face with the ends of her mane again, she would never flip Octavia's butt with her tail and make her blush because they were in public, she would never force Octavia to sleep on top of her by hogging the bed. Octavia was crying again but she hadn't even noticed. Vinyl would never surprise her in the shower again or take her out to breakfast and talk about the previous night's performances. Her head ached worse with every drink but she didn’t care. Consciousness was the true agony. If only she could keep herself unconscious... Just until Vinyl replied and broke up with her.... If only she could just keep the pain away... Everything could be alright. She drained the bottle and fell over, barely able to breathe. She was straining for breath and her eyes were closing without her permission. Breath stopped coming at all, as Octavia felt herself falling into blissful nothingness. She hoped this was death.

"Celestia... kill me..." She thought, desperately, right before throwing up every ounce she had just drank.