Letters From Octavia

Octavia lay on the roof of her apartment, her forehooves dangling over the edge. It was ten stories up and the ponies below looked like fleas. She drained another bottle and dropped it off the rooftop and into the empty alley at the foot of the building. She was slow moving from the several bottles she had consumed, but despite this, she was angrier and more bitter than she had ever been.
“Find a therapist….” She popped open the next bottle. “I’m not crazy, Vinyl.” She gulped down a good portion of the wine. Laying her head back over the ledge and watching the city skyline against Luna’s bright moon. She sighed, heavily.
“I’m not crazy. I’m fine…” Octavia lugged herself over and stood, wobbling back and forth. “Who needs bucking marefriends, I’m fine! If she doesn’t want me anymore, that’s great! I’m happier alone anyway!” Her words echoed in the silent, sleepy street. Slowly they sank in. She was alone. She could never go back to her mother, not now. She had no other friends, none that were close enough to help her. And now, she had no Vinyl. The city around her seemed even bigger, even more imposing, and she felt smaller than she ever had. The cold winter air was oppressive and made her feel as cold physically as she did emotionally. The young mare looked down at the shattered bottles below and stepped closer to the edge of the building, her forehooves hanging slightly over the edge. She gazed down and imagined the cobblestones smashing into her face and her head bursting open. Quietly, Octavia breathed in deeply and leaned forward a little. Vinyl wouldn’t miss her. Vinyl thought she was crazy. Her hooves began to slide a little bit and she felt the gravity baring down on her. She closed her eyes. There really was no reason to continue. She had no purpose. Sure, she had her music, but what was music when you had no one to share it with? What did the cellist have left to look forward to, anyway? Alcohol poisoning? Eventually being kicked out because Vinyl would no longer be sending rent money back home? Living on the street? Never finding love and spending the rest of her days alone? What kind of life would she have without her DJ? Octavia thought of the mare she loved and the happy times they'd shared. She could still see the unicorn happily spinning a record between her hooves on Hearth's Warming Eve and giggling at the cellist in her new bow tie. She thought of the nervous look in her eyes during high school when she'd asked Octavia out, not knowing for sure if she even liked girls. She thought of her DJ saying goodbye and leaning out the window of the train, waving and blowing her kisses until she was too small to see, as she journeyed toward her rightful place in Manehattan. They were such happy, distant memories now, and they answered the question for her; What kind of life would she have? None. For there was no life without Vinyl Scratch. Her whole mind fixated on the image of her marefriend, the mare who used to love her, and Octavia let her hooves slip over the edge.

Vinyl Scratch sat at home, gnawing on the edge of her hoof, and thinking to herself.
“I can’t believe it…” It had been several days since the letter had been sent back and she had sent several letters since with no reply. But now she read a different piece of mail, a bank statement. It said that the check she sent Octavia had been used… at a liquor store. She shook her head at it; ninety-nine bits on wine, whiskey, and vodka. She felt ill, like she could be sick. What had become of the cellist? Was she turning into a drunkard? And why was she not replying anymore? Vinyl knew that leaving would mean her job, her career, and a life she’d been working hard to establish. The DJ had started being recognized. Her name was in the society section. The club offered her a raise just yesterday because of the increased turn outs each night. But then there was the precious cellist who was obviously losing control… Vinyl sighed and stacked her books neatly in the corner, ready to return them to the library, and then went to the bedroom. She packed her few clothes and then her trinkets, little figurines that Tavi had bought her and several stuffed animals into her suitcase. There was a fridge full of food but really nothing else. Vinyl didn’t have that much, although Octavia had commented on the day she left that the house looked terribly empty without the DJ’s few toys and valuables. Vinyl had laughed at the time, thinking she was being sarcastic because they had so little, but now she wondered if it had bothered her mare more than she had let on. She folded her covers neatly and put them in the case too. Finally, on top of everything else, she placed the letters from Octavia, and closed the case. The apartment came fully furnished and so with that small suitcase prepared, everything else in the little home was as she had found it. Vinyl looked around and then headed out the door, running headlong into the mail mare.
“Oh! Mail for you!” The mare said, happily and held out the letters for Vinyl, who took them with a smile.
“Thanks.” She saw a few advertisements, a magazine subscription and finally, an envelope with Octavia’s return address. Vinyl froze, dropping the suitcase, and opened the note that she’d been waiting for, for almost a week.

“Dear Vinyl.
I should have been honest with you before, my sweet girl. I am so sorry. I hope you will come and see me soon. I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you everything and I want to seek out therapy as you asked. Please don’t panic. It is already breaking my heart to know how badly I’ve hurt you, and it would kill me to know I have caused you any more grief. Vinyl, I am in the hospital.”

Vinyl fell into the doorway, sliding to the ground as her heart stopped. She was very dizzy. Breathing heavily, she continued, feeling weaker with every line she read.

“I have been drinking myself to death, Vinyl. There has not been a day since you left that I haven’t been fully or partially drunk. They say I’ve already damaged my liver, almost irreparably. Eventually I will need some intensive magical therapy but they said that since you were a unicorn, you could do the therapy with me at home. That is, if you still want me after I tell you everything. But I must be fully honest. The drinking isn’t why I am here, Vinyl. I have broken both of my back legs and fractured most of my ribs. Granted, that is really, quite lucky given the circumstances… My love, please don’t hate me. I was drunk… and I’ve been so alone. And I tried to commit suicide.”

Vinyl was openly crying, and retching hard, straining her back in the process. The DJ’s heart was in agonizing pain with a grief she had never experienced. Every muscle in her body ached and her horn and neck throbbed from the severe tension that seized her. Deep in her core, it felt like every organ in her body was being crushed flat. Her baby girl, the love of her life, had tried to kill herself… And Vinyl hadn’t been there. The letter crumpled in her magical grasp and she howled in anguish, sobbing loud and hard. She was a failure. The poor, broken unicorn had tried too late. Her worst nightmare had come true… Tavi was suicidal. The tears grew more uncontrollable as she finished the now soaked, wrinkled letter.

“I know you are busy and I want you to put your career first. But when you get the day off, please come see me. If only for a few hours. I’m so sorry for everything, my angel. I hope to see you soon. I love you so much.
Love,
Octavia

Vinyl was still in hysterics when she stood and grabbed her suitcase. Hyperventilating for few minutes, she tried desperately calm down but to no avail. Then, defeated and still shaking with tears that had not ceased, she made her way down the hall. There was no point in hurrying, no point in trying… She had failed.

Octavia lay in her hospital bed, with both of her hind legs elevated above her in full casts. Her torso was also heavily bandaged. She was tired and looked it. The past week had been spent in agony and an extremely difficult detoxing process. She was finally adjusting however, and the pain killers had finally allowed her to begin healing with relative peace. The hospital room was sterile and empty, but the knowledge of doctors being nearby made the small room more inviting than her own apartment. She shifted slightly, trying make herself more comfortable, but to no avail. Laying her head back, Octavia stared at the ceiling, thinking of her mare. She wondered if Vinyl would ever respond, if she would even care about her injuries now that she realized how desperate and disturbed she was. The sad, broken little cellist sighed, sadly. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Octavia didn’t move, assuming it was the nurse, coming to check on her and take her vital readings for the fifteenth time that day. As expected, the little pink mare poked her head inside.
“Miss Melody, are you awake?” She asked. Octavia did her best to smile at the nurse, although she didn’t feel very much like smiling.
“Yes. Time again?” She asked. To Tavi’s surprise, the nurse shook her head.
“You have a visitor. Would you like to see them?” The nurse asked, politely. “You don’t have to, of course, if you don’t feel like it.”
“Who is it?” Octavia asked, not daring to hope.
“Babe…” Said a very familiar, gruff voice. The nurse stepped aside and a very shabby, exhausted looking Vinyl Scratch entered the room.
“Oh Vinyl….” The words barely left the cellist’s lips before the tears started streaking her face. Vinyl looked weary and unkempt, as if she hadn’t slept for days. Suitcase in hoof, she seemed to have come straight to the hospital from Manehattan. The nurse grinned as Octavia smiled a big, watery, genuine smile for the first time. She let the two lovers be alone, shutting the door behind her. Vinyl sat her suitcase down and walked shakily to the side of the bed, and leaned over to hug Octavia tight. She held the embrace for several minutes and to Octavia it felt like she had finally returned home. But it ended too soon as Vinyl pulled away and looked down at her marefriend.
“Okay babe. You said you had some things to tell me and you would not believe how ready I am to hear it…” She said. Octavia smiled, sadly.
“Not even an I love you first?” She asked, trying to put off a genuine response.
“You know I do… Please…. I have to know what I did wrong, honey.” Vinyl gasped, mid-sentence, as if trying to hold back her emotions. It did no good, for Octavia could see by the matted fur on her DJ's face that she'd been crying the whole day. Octavia blinked back her own tears.
“Right. No delaying it. I’ll tell you everything.” The gray mare looked away from Vinyl, toward the floor. “Vinyl, when I was a small foal… My father sexually abused me and both of my parents… would beat me when I didn’t obey… or submit…” She gasped a few times, but steadied herself. She had been practicing the words she would use, trying to desensitize herself enough to get through it. There was no backing out now. She had to tell Vinyl the whole truth this time.
“Until I was ten, when mother left and took me with her…” She continued, wiping her eyes. “father kept abusing me. But then with mother, all I had to deal with was the beatings and the being called names… until I met you. When I moved in with you, I thought everything would be better, that it was all over. But it wasn’t. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him… Sometimes, when you would touch me, when you'd drive me crazy wanting you or making love to me... it felt so right and so pure… But then I'd think of him…. And I could just die.” She sobbed hard for a just a moment. Vinyl sat on the bed, and held her marefriend close, and began to cry silently with her cellist. She wouldn’t permit herself to let go completely. It was Octavia who needed the support right now. She rubbed Tavi's back, who seemed more like a small foal at this moment, and helped her sit up a little straighter.
“Hey, I love you…” Vinyl whispered. “I’m going to help you through this.”
“Even now you know… You still love me?” The scared little filly asked. "I lied to you... I said you were the first... And you never..."
“Octavia Melody, I love you more now than I ever have.” The DJ smiled a little. “None of it was your fault, babe. We are going to get you to see that too. But you are going to need some therapy, you know that?” Octavia nodded, and sighed, feeling a little bit better. "I was your first. None of that counts, none of it has to count. There's just you and me, okay?" The cellist smiled and nodded.
"Thank you.... So much... Just you and me." She sighed, then dropped the small smile to look serious and strained again. "I always knew in the aftermath of our arguments that I’d been unreasonable. I always knew that I was demanding too much, or that I made a mountain out of nothing… But I live in fear, Vinyl, every moment… Most of the time, I’m not even sure what I am afraid of besides you leaving.” She nuzzles into Vinyl's shoulder. "I know you are here, that you love me, that I'm not alone. I know I have a future and I'm talented. But most of the time it's like puzzle pieces that I can't make fit. I can't see any of it. I love you so much and sometimes, even though I know you love me, I feel like you are my enemy and that it's all one sided and I am here trying so hard, and it means nothing to you... But I know it's not true. I realize now that I do need help and maybe some sort of medication. I want our life, the life you always talk about so happily. I want our house, and our children, and to play music together.... And if I don't get help now, none of it will ever happen." Vinyl ran her hoof through Tavi's mane and nuzzled her gently.
“We're going to get you everything you need. I promise. And we're going to be even happier than you've ever imagined. I won’t lie and say I know what you are feeling, but I feel awful too, babe. I don’t feel like I can ever be enough…”
“Oh Vinyl…” She interrupted, trying to comfort her DJ, but Vinyl shook her head.
“Please… I have to say this…” She whispered, holding her marefriend’s hooves. “I have been reading and working on making myself better so I could come back to you, and treat you like you deserve. You need reassurance and security, and I haven’t given you that like I should have. But that changes now, Tavi. I am going to love you right and if it takes us years to get you passed all this, then I’ll be here for you.” Octavia’s eyes filled with tears again. “Because babe, through everything, I’ve never even thought of leaving you once. I’m here to stay. Alright? If you can believe anything in this world without doubt, believe that.”
“If you haven’t left after all this, then I do believe it.” She said, and then nervously added. “Though you might still have to remind me occasionally.” Vinyl gave a hoarse laugh and hugged Tavi again, this time not letting go.
“I’ll remind you a hundred times a day if that's what it takes.”

Octavia fully healed after two months of potions and various herbs prescribed by the best unicorn physicians in Canterlot. During the recovery, Vinyl only left her side at night to perform. Though the work wasn’t as glamorous, she saw the opportunity to advance in other ways and build a career in Canterlot among smaller club circuits, and of course, it allowed her to pay for Octavia’s therapy, which she attended bi-weekly, for two years. At first, Vinyl was as good as her word, and until Octavia left therapy, she remained patient and kind through the worst of the struggle. As with everything that requires daily work to maintain, Vinyl’s good mood and patience dwindled, but always reignited. She finally became the pony she had the potential to be, and Octavia finally felt truly, completely alive for the first time. The two mares grew successful. Vinyl was invited back for gigs in Manehattan in larger events as a result of her short time there, but this time Octavia went with her everywhere and they always returned home together each night. It took longer and more travel expenses, but they weren't willing to part again. Octavia regained the strength in her legs and eventually began playing her cello once more. The cellist also gained great popularity and in decidedly less time than it took her partner. The first time Octavia was offered the chance to play The Grand Galloping Gala was perhaps the proudest Vinyl had ever been, and she let her marefriend know it. Eventually they became two of the most famous and successful musicians in Equestria and started playing shows together, which caused a greater spike in their popularity. After all the trials, physical and mental, they had pulled through and made the life they wanted; the life they deserved.