Letters From Octavia

Vinyl ran her hoof against the record on the turntable, causing it to screech sharply, warping the sustained note that played over the deep, pounding bass. Her eyes were closed behind her purple shades, and she bobbed her head in rhythm with the beat. The music controlled the mares dancing through the club. They grinded against each other, some of them drinking and others locking lips, some just laughing and having fun with friends. Vinyl's mind wondered as she played; she imagined running her hooves through Octavia’s mane. Each revolution of the records against her hooves was like the gentle brushing of Octavia’s fur when she would stroke her flanks. Vinyl felt great about her current situation. She felt like she had a chance to improve their lives and improve herself. The selfish, only child who couldn’t deal with Octavia’s easily triggered trauma was gone. A new mare had been born from the ashes. She could have flown from the excitement, from the happiness, and even from the welcome nervousness that she could fail. It was all she could think about and though she rocked the house to its knees with her performance, it was probably the first show in her life in which she had been genuinely distracted the entire time.

As the club closed up and she packed her cords and cables neatly into the cases beneath her turntable and locked all of it up, Vinyl was excited to get home and finish reading. It was a first for her, not that she didn’t read at all, but she didn’t usually set aside time for it. She passed Neon who waved her over, but she ignored him, pretending not to notice. Her manager briefly stopped her but Vinyl could not talk long, she had important things to tend to after all. The manager himself was rather surprised by Vinyl’s uncharacteristic purposefulness to leave and by the genuine happiness that radiated off of her. Vinyl could not let anything distract her, not now she had a chance to fix her entire life. She rushed back to her apartment and as soon as the door was shut, she grabbed the book that lay on top a stack of novels, then ran through the small living room and into the bedroom. The DJ slumped into bed and opened the book, entitled "From Self Harm to Self Care; Healing A Trauma Survivor with Love.” Vinyl was reading ferociously and consuming every word. The issue was that Octavia had only said she was abused but never gave any explanation about what specifically had happened to her. That was only a challenge to the unicorn; she would just have to try everything until she could keep Octavia steady and keep herself calm. If the cellist never shared the full experience, then that was okay as far as Vinyl was concerned, as long as they could live with it.

Unhealed trauma can be a major obstacle to achieving intellectual intimacy. It often highly charges emotions, quickly escalates common issues and causes the ‘survivor’ to respond with heightened and sometimes violent behavior. Arguments with the pony are often emotionally fueled, and they can become distant and unresponsive for long periods of time.

Vinyl mumbled, reading aloud. She wrote a few notes in a notebook that lay next to her. “That’s definitely her….” She turned back to the book and continued.

Ponies with trauma will often assume their partner is against them even when this is not the case and will usually maintain a constant, lingering doubt about their partner’s faithfulness. This will usually lead to severe difficulty in accepting love, despite repeated reassurance.

Vinyl sighed and laid her head back. It wasn’t just her. The constant need for attention and reassurance to feel loved was normal for this kind of thing. She rubbed her eyes and smiled a little. She still knew there was work to do, but the previous night’s chapter had only been about reaching out, which she felt she had done okay at in her letter. Tonight’s lesson reassured her. She stretched a little and pulled the book closer.

Having a good support system is the most critical step. Having friends and family that respect you and speak positively of your relationship is very important. Another important step is find a therapist to guide you as a couple or on your own.

Vinyl quickly scribbled, ‘send money for therapy’. Then she quickly added up what she remembered being in her bank account and nodded, deciding it would probably be enough.

Take time to learn self-care and healing. A typical technique is the couple bubble.

Vinyl snorted and giggled at the words. After a second of thinking “you are kidding me….”, she wrote down the ridiculous phrase. She carried on in this way for some time into the night; reading and taking the most detailed of notes, until the mare fell asleep on her book, having written over ten pages herself.

The next day, around four in the evening, a clinking sound awoke Vinyl. She snapped awake in alarm and jumped out of the bed and face-planted. She ran to the living room and looked around frantically. Slowly she realized that she hadn’t brought anyone home and then remembered after a second that she hadn’t even gone out the night before. Her heart calmed and she saw that the clinking sound had been the mail slot closing as a few letters had been dropped in. She picked them up and saw Octavia’s neat handwriting and smiled, broadly. She opened it carefully and read it. The DJ’s smile faded and she sat down on the coffee table.
“’I don’t understand what's going on.’” Vinyl read. “I don't know why you are being so different but I'm scared. I wasn't going to tell you anything about what I've been going through, but I'm terrified now. I can't lose you, Vinyl. You're all I have. Please, if you've found somepony else, don't let me down easy. Don't sing and dance around it to make it hurt less. Please just tell me what's going on and what I'm missing. You've never said you adored me... Please don't hurt me like this, Vinyl. Just leave if you are going to but don't ruin me like this." Octavia hadn’t even signed it. Vinyl felt all the hope drain from her and leave her cold and tense. She hadn’t even liked it. Her cellist had simply found it suspicious because Vinyl reaching out was so unusual. Her first plan had backfired. But, and this caused Vinyl to perk back up, the book said that her immediate reaction would be to push away the loving gesture. Besides, she was used to Octavia’s trust issues. It was okay. It just meant she had to try harder! Vinyl smiled again with new determination and began to pen her reply.

“My sweet love,
'What’s going on?' I just wanted my amazing lover to know how much I adore her!”

She thought about the exclamation points and considered if Octavia might take it as anger. So, she added a little smiley face, and continued.

“Babe, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Please, if anything bad is going on right now, I want to hear it. You don’t have to keep anything from me. And come on, I could never want anyone but you. You are perfect. You are my mare. The mare of my dreams. I’m so sorry I’ve never said it before, babe. That was stupid. I should’ve said it a long time ago. I will never leave. I know it’ll be hard for you to understand it, but I just could never want anyone else. If it takes every day of the rest of my life, I’ll prove it. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Tavi.

Love,
Your Vinyl.”

Immediately, she stood to mail it. Vinyl was still feeling good but then remembered something. She quickly wrote another check to Octavia, this one wasn’t just to keep her going though. She pulled her pen back out and quickly wrote,

“P.S. this is so important to me, babe. Please, take this cash and find a therapist and get them to help you with all the crap you went through as a child. I can afford to help you get passed it now and it would mean so much to me. Please babe? I love you so much.”

The unicorn sealed the check inside the letter and skipped out the door and down to the apartment mailboxes. She deposited the letter and stood there, motionless, but grinning like an idiot. She felt so good right now, like she could run laps or climb a mountain. In fact… Vinyl rubbed her stomach. She must’ve gained like ten pounds since moving to Manehattan and furthermore, she was definitely heavier than when she first met Octavia. What if Octavia stopped finding her attractive? Vinyl shook her head and stretched a little.
“Well, I’m fixing everything else about myself for her, why not!?” She happily thought and after another second of stretching her back legs, which cracked and popped as she did so, she took off running. She ran the full block, at least ten times. On lap one she was still high from being able to help her mare. By lap ten she was aching and gasping. The run turned slowly into a hobble.
“Okay… Baby steps…” She gasped. “Baby steps…”

Over the next few days, Vinyl began to wake up at nine, early for her considering that she usually got home at two in the morning. She began walking for an hour every morning and cut out beer altogether. Vinyl was happy. For the first time in two years, she was truly happy. In the back of her mind as she walked a mile each day, she considered the idea that she was only happy because she wasn’t with Octavia. But she shut the idea out. Of course, that wasn’t it. She was happy because she was ready to try again and felt she could succeed. Her marefriend’s absence was just a tool to achieve it, an unavoidable difficulty that could bring a greater good into their life. After nearly a week, on the first day she had begun to inject a few minutes of jogging into her walk, Vinyl was growing worried that Octavia hadn’t received her letter. Once she exhausted herself, she decided that it was a good time to go home and check the mail again. Sweaty and well-stretched out, Vinyl walked into her apartment. There was the mail, laying in the floor. Her stomach lurched uneasily and she felt sickened somewhat. Suddenly nerves had gripped the unicorn for seemingly no reason. It could wait. She levitated the letters with her magic up onto the kitchen counter. Vinyl did need a shower first and there was no rush. So, she sat in the floor of the shower for over an hour, letting the water run over her mane and horn. Vinyl was nervous. She didn’t know why but she felt sick, like something was dreadfully off. She sat there until the water ran cold. Then she dried off and walked back into the living room. The letters, one of which was sealed with tape, seemed threatening. Vinyl picked up the letters and turned them over. One was a notice from her landlord about some new policy, but the other was her own letter. She was confused for a moment but then saw, in Octavia’s neat hoofwriting, “return to sender”. She gawked at it and turned the letter over. It was the one that had been re-sealed with tape. Realizing that Octavia had read it, Vinyl ripped it open. The check that had been inside was gone, and the letter was stained with tears. Beneath her post script, which was circled, Octavia had written something else. The simple phrase, “I understand.” Vinyl read the circled portion again. It was the pleas for Octavia to seek therapy.
“What did I do wrong?” She asked herself, stunned.