“Agh, Jeezuss!” Alcatraz grunted, awoken by the thunderous voice of the new arrival.

“I ASK AGAIN; WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO MY SISTER’S STUDENTS!?”

The ponies in the room started to stir and groan, suffering from hangovers. Drinking until they dropped hadn’t turned out very well for them.

“Ugh, not so loud Princess,” Twilight Sparkle whispered.

“Whoa. Calm yer tits lady. I ttake it yooov never had a hangover? Ya know, that really bad headache ya get the morn’n after ya drink too much? Thass what they got.”

“We understand now,” Luna said in a much quieter voice. “But why dost thou speak in such slurs if thine festivities were of the previous evening?”

“Well, my suit kinda keepz me fr’m gettin’ hangovers somehow, but I guess it duzzit by keepin’ me drunk for longer.”

Alcatraz stood up and walked over to his helmet. After he put it on, he noticed the visor was displaying his blood alcohol level, which was obscenely high. Then it began to drop rapidly as the suit administered agents to sober him up. Within seconds he was straightened out.

“That’s better. Now, what is it you need ma’am?”

“My sister read of thine escape last evening, and we tracked thou to here. We cometh bearing a message.”

Spike cleared his throat and produced a roll of parchment.

“Princess Celestia of Equestria formally requests the presence of Theodore Alcatraz at the Canterlot Castle in two days’ time to discuss matters of national security. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity are to come as well, as they need to be prepared should the Elements of Harmony be needed. Until then, Mr. Alcatraz is to demonstrate peaceful and orderly conduct within in the boundaries of Equestria, and show goodwill towards the citizens of Ponyville. Upon the end of the second day, transportation shall arrive in front of the Ponyville library to take you seven to Canterlot. Signed, Princess Celestia.”

Luna, satisfied at the delivery of her sister’s message, flew off. As for the other ponies, they were bewildered by this sudden invitation.

Alcatraz stood and watched as Rarity panicked for ten minutes about what they would wear, complaining that her dresses from the last Grand Galloping Gala were outdated.

“Maybe they could be refitted?” Alcatraz suggested, no longer entertained by her whining.

“Are you suggesting that we’ve gotten fatter!?” She snarled.

“No, it’s just-”

“Psshhh. Loose and baggy clothes are so last season.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have applied naval terminology to fashion. I meant that maybe they could be modified to be more up-to-date.”

Rarity gasped “Brilliant, why didn’t I think of it before? Oh, but I’ll need to make you something too! Come by the Carousel Boutique tomorrow at noon.” She galloped off.

“Is she always like that?” Alcatraz asked. The ponies all nodded. “Wait, why don’t you have hangovers?”

“Magic,” Pinkie said with a giggle.
“Okay, there are two things wrong with that. One, there’s no such thing as magic. Two, when you explain an occurrence as magic, you must follow with two snorts.”

“Magic,” Pinkie repeated, following with two snorts.

“Atta girl!” Alcatraz said encouragingly.

“What do you mean ‘there’s no such thing as magic’!?” Twilight demanded, smoke coming from her nostrils.

“Allow me to recite Clarke’s Third Law. ‘Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.’ Therefore, I hypothesize that your so-called ‘magic’ is a result of some form of technological augmentations you may or may not be aware of in some way, shape or form. Perhaps some form of symbiotic bacterium, or self-replicating nanomachines deeply integrated into your physiology and passed down through generations.”

Twilight struggled with a retort, but her agile mind was unable to create one to counter Alcatraz’ hypotheses. “Ugh, we’ll talk about this later. In the meantime, I think we should introduce you to Ponyville so you don’t have to skulk around for three days.”

“Probably for the best. I can’t keep crawling around cloaked for three days, that’d be too time-consuming. Hopefully I’ll make better first impressions on the town than I did with you.”

“Yeah,” She said with a less-than-enthusiastic expression. “Hopefully.”

They set off from Applejack’s barn, and an hour later they arrived at the town hall, which reminded Alcatraz of a birdhouse for some odd reason. Twilight walked in, Alcatraz following her while cloaked. They walked up the spiral staircase to the second floor, where a secretary sat behind a desk, which in turn was beside the door to the mayor’s office.

“Do you have an appointment?” The secretary asked without looking up from her book.

“No, but I need-” Twilight began.

“You know the rules, Sparkle. All appointments must be made twenty-four hours in advance.”

Okay, this is going nowhere fast. Plan B.

Alcatraz began to lift the desk and spin it around.

“Sparkle, do you think I’m stupid? I know you’re the one doing that!”

“Actually, I’m not. My horn isn’t glowing, and neither is your desk.”

Alcatraz began to moan.

“Ghost!” The secretary screamed, promptly running downstairs.

Alcatraz placed the desk back where it was, returned any displaced objects to their original positions, and decloaked, laughing as he did so.

“That was too easy. I mean, seriously? Ghosts?”

Twilight gave him a fierce stare.

“Okay, jeez.” He recloaked and followed Twilight into the office.

The mayor sat behind her desk, sifting through letters. Paintings and awards lined the walls, and a globe sat on her desk.

“Yes, Twilight?” She sighed.

“Mayor Mare, as I’m sure you know, there was a scuffle the night before last. However, I may have caused it and-”

“You’re friends with Rarity, just work something out with the damages you caused. I need to hold a meeting to assure everypony that these alien rumors are just bunk.”

“Actually, that’s what I came to talk to you about. There is an alien, but as long as we stay calm, nothing bad should happen.”

Mayor Mare double-facehoofed. “Don’t tell me you believe this nonsense!”

Alcatraz decloaked in front of the mayor. “I certainly do,” He said.

The mayor screamed until Twilight covered her mouth. Even then, she continued to scream until her lungs were emptied. She inhaled through her nose and stopped, and Twilight removed her hoof.

“Call the meeting.”

A few hours later, all of Ponyville gathered in front of the town hall and awaited the Mayor. She appeared and walked to the podium, shuffling her papers. The crowd silenced itself.

“Ahem. Fillies and gentlecolts! It has come to my attention that many of you are concerned about aliens that some of you have supposedly seen. Originally I was going to dismiss these claims as mere paranoia. However, Twilight Sparkle recently brought irrefutable evidence to me supporting these claims.”

The crowd began fill with concerned whispers.

“But fear not, the evidence brought before me indicates that he bears us no ill will.”

Alcatraz decloaked in front of the crowd, his armor flashing blue as it ceased bending light around his figure. He walked towards the podium, extremely aware of the hundreds of pairs of eyes trained on him. He took a position behind the podium and spoke.

“Hi,” He began.

“It talks, it must be sentient!”

“Bon-Bon, I think it’s a human!”

“Ees nawt.”

“Um, my name is Lieutenant Theodore Alcatraz. I came here a few days ago to explore this planet in advance of more of my kind, who I assure you will have an entirely peaceful disposition towards ponies. Said group will come in twelve days and number a few thousand.”

“If you’re here peacefully, then why have there been aliens sighted outside Ponyville attacking ponies? I’ve seen them myself!” A brown stallion asked. The crowd began to mutter angrily, and some of the ponies were trying to recall where their pitchforks were.

“Could you give me a description of these aliens?”

“Uh, bipedal, angular black plates, orange tentacles.”

“That, my little ponies, is why I came here. The alien you describe is called a Ceph. On my world, they unleashed a horrible plague inside Manhattan, causing millions of slow, painful, disgusting deaths and necessitating quarantine while it lasted.”

The ponies all showed revulsion at the thought of a thriving urban metropolis being hit by a virulent plague. A few of them started crying, Fluttershy included. Still, most of them seemed skeptical of something like that actually happening, a reflexive denial indicative of their cheerful and naive dispositions.

“After days of brutal fighting, my suit was able to corrupt their virus to use it against them, and their own spore dispersal tower released the re-engineered virus. They fled through a portal to this planet, and the United States Marine Corps is coming to finish them off in twelve days. Please report any and all Ceph activity to me or Twilight Sparkle. Any questions?”

A mint green unicorn mare raised her hoof.

“Yes?” Alcatraz picked her.

“Are you a human?”

“Yes.”

“Ha, told ya.”

A candy-maned earth pony mare raised her hoof.

“If you’re a human, why can’t we see your face? And how come you’re wearing that weird outfit?”

“Firstly, I can assure you I’m a human.” Alcatraz removed his helmet to show her. “Secondly, this Nanosuit is literally fused with my body. It was given to me to save my life by a dying man, and its artificial muscle grew into my wounds. At this point I can’t remove it at all. And there are a fairly small number of Nanosuits like this one. Now if you have any more questions, deliver them to me later. Thank you for your time.”

The crowd dispersed calmly, Alcatraz headed for Sweet Apple Acres and Twilight ran to catch up with him.

“That went well,” She commented.

“Yeah. Say, do you know any bars around here?”

“There’s Berry Punch’s Booze-a-Palooza a few blocks south of the library. Wait, don’t tell me you’re going to get hammered every night!?” She asked disgustedly.

“No, maybe tomorrow night. No drinking tonight, I promise!”

“Why are we going to AJ’s farm anyway?”

“That APC, I’m gonna paint a NATO woodland vehicle camo over that CELL pattern if AJ has any paint.”

“Oh, okay. See ya!”

“Later.”

Alcatraz headed to AJs. It only took a little while since he could just walk the whole way instead of sneaking. When he got there, he inquired AJ about the tools and paint he’d need only to find out she didn’t have them, except for a few. So he exchanged a few guns and some ammo for a steady allowance he could use.

Why the fuck does she have car jacks? Maybe somepony in her family has a lame sense of humor or something.

Alcatraz jogged back to Ponyville with his newfound cash and located the hardware store. There he purchased all the spraypaint he’d need and a bit extra, as well as several duffel bags and a few sets of large alphabet stencils. He paid the cashier and headed back to the farm.

Alcatraz began working on his new project, the stars beginning to appear above him.

***

“So, that Alcatraz guy doesn’t seem that bad,” Spike said, trying to strike up a conversation. “For somepony who’s supposed to ‘save us all’ he seemed fairly down-to-Equis during that meeting.”

“Yeah, I guess- Wait a minute!” Twilight looked in the bathroom, only to find it as filthy as it had been when she left for the meeting. “Spike! You were supposed to clean the bathroom while I was gone!”

“But, that was my free hour!”

“It wouldn’t be so dirty if you didn’t eat so many of Sweetie Belle's turquoise tacos!"

“Well, Sweetie Belle makes good tacos, and I like eating tacos, and-”

“That explains that brown patch I saw on her dress after my brother’s wedding. It looked like a rabbit, but I thought it was just some symbol.”

After Spike cleaned the bathroom, he asked about why she came home looking ticked off.

“Because apparently our ‘hero’ is a complete booze-hound! The first thing he asked me after the meeting was if there were any bars.”

***

“Al-ca-traz! Al-ca-traz! Al-ca-traz!” The crowd chanted.

Alcatraz was embroiled in a drinking contest with the bar’s owner, Berry Punch. He’d seen the promotional offer on the menu. “Beat the owner in a drinking contest, and all booze is free for a week!”

Naturally, he took the challenge the second he saw it. He was warned that nopony had ever beaten Berry since the night she was old enough to drink. That just incensed him further.

“No man, no woman has ever beaten ol’ Alky at the game of drink!” He proclaimed proudly before the contest.

“Please! I’ve beaten the booziest ponies, I drank griffons into walls! Diamond dogs have puked at my hooves, zebra shamans have put their strongest stuff on the table ‘n I beat them at their own drink! I once outdrank a twelve-foot dragon! I ain’t met my match by a long shot!” Berry countered.

“Very well! To make this fair, we’ll use the drink of your choice.”

“Cocky, aren’t we? Wild Pegasus apple whiskey.” Berry set up a table, and grabbed several bottles. She poured them both several shots to start. A grueling battle ensued, full of insults and alcohol-induced slurring.

“Yoo giv’n up yit, Burry?” Alcatraz inquired, his mind somewhat hazy after two bottles of whiskey.

“Yo f’rst Alcit- Alytrik- Why’s yer name so buck’n hard tuh spell? I mean, prenunsinate.”

“Fugg if I know, ‘s juss th’ fam’ly name. Duh ponies haf fam’ly names?”

“Nuh-uh, we sorta got themes, but thassit. Wait, if All-trike-ass ‘s yer fam’ly name, whass yer name?”

“Theodore.”
“Thass too hard to prenunsinate when I’m incoxitated.”

Alcatraz cracked up laughing.

“Whasso funny?”

“Yoo said ‘cocks’!”

Now Berry was laughing.

“Okkay, yeah I did. But s’r’sly, what cin I call yuh that I can say when I’m a bit tipsy.”

“Ted. An’ yuh call that tipsy? Yer piss drunk!”

“I’m fine, I can- I can make it. Wait, ‘Ted’ as in ‘Teddy-bear’?” Berry snickered.

“No, uh-uh. Nobudy calls me th’t.”

“Not even the ladies?” Berry Punch did her best to look seductive as she said that.

“Nope. ‘N yoo ain’ ‘zactly a ladee.”

Another two bottles of whiskey later and they were still at it. Everypony in the bar was in awe of them. Truly this was a clash of titans!

“D’yoo *hic* think I’m sexy?” Berry asked.

“Whoa, I don’ roll tha’ way!”

“Wait a sec. *hic* ‘R yoo gay ‘r sumfin’?”

“Nuh, I’m into chicks.”

“Wut? Grossss! Sikko! You ssay away fr’m Stukaloo!”

“Whuh? Nuh, I mea’t I dig wimin, juss nut ponee wimin. Ain tha’ drunk yet.”

“How mush more’d it taik fer that to change?”

“More’n yoo got. Wait. Yer hittin’ on me, ain'cha!”

“Yuh. So?”

“I’ve only ben heer too dayzz, an’ yer the secin mare to hit on me. At thiz rait, I’ll have one mare erry night!”

“Hoo wuz the firs’?”

“Raidbow Dish. I was in a drink’n contest wif her ‘n her frienz lass night. Rinboo passt out firss, Pinknee passt out lass. Dosh can’t hold ‘er liquor; she had like, fer mugz annen she went ‘krshhh’! I win’d the game, natrely.”

“Dammit, tha game!”

“Fugg! I wen’ a month withou’ losin’ it!”

Berry Punch collapsed, unconscious. Drool pooled on the floor near her head, and she began to snore.

The bar’s patrons, who had only increased in number as the spectacle continued and word spread of the newcomer’s progress, were in complete awe at Alcatraz’ drinking prowess.

“Luks like yoo juss lost,” Alcatraz grabbed a pair of sunglasses from Pinkie Pie and put them on. “Th' other game.”

“YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!” The patrons cheered with enough volume to wake all of Ponyville.

“Wait, Pinknee? Where’d yoo cum fr’m?” Alcatraz asked, realizing Pinkie had been the one to give him the sunglasses.

“I heard about your contest and came to cheer you on! And I just made fifteen hundred bits by betting a hundred on you at 15:1 odds! I knew you could do it, Alky!”

“Thanks Pinknee! Yoo ar troo fren!”

Alcatraz walked out and entered his newly painted APC, closing the door behind him. He laid down inside on a mattress and pillow AJ gave him, put on his helmet, and went to sleep. He didn’t need to sleep, but he liked it anyway. That bit he told Twilight about nightmares wasn’t exactly true; he had nightmares just as often as before the Manhattan campaign, the only difference was that they were much worse now.

***

Alcatraz awoke sober and early this time; 5AM to be exact. He may have been partying last night, but he always tried to adhere to at least some semblance of military protocol. And considering he was meeting a foreign, no, alien dignitary tonight, he needed to be at his best.

Probably sober because my helmet introduces something into my bloodstream that straightens me out. This suit kicks ass in ways I never expected. Need something to get the booze off my breath, though.

Alcatraz searched through his APC for a candy bar or bottle of mouthwash or something. He found an unopened hygiene kit with a toothbrush, some toothpaste, mouthwash, a few dozen disposable razors, a brush, a shampoo/conditioner combo and some shaving cream.

Just add water.

He moved to the driver’s seat of the APC and set it to “silent-running” mode, which functioned similarly to a diesel-electric submarine; when the regular engine is running, it charges a large battery, which powers the quieter of the two modes. The drastically reduced noise level of said mode was designed to aid in sudden raids by giving the enemy as little warning as possible. In this case, it was being used to avoid disturbing anypony.

He drove to the library and parked in a position that would allow him to disembark quickly if need be. Following that, he shut off the vehicle and exited through the top hatch. From there he infiltrated the library and made use of its bathroom. Once inside, he quietly shut the door and removed his helmet.

Smells nice in here, like almonds. Oh shit, potassium cyanide!

Alcatraz rapidly donned his helmet, and upon reassuring himself that there was no cyanide in vapor form present, he removed it again and began shaving his beard. After that he brushed his teeth and used mouthwash. He wetted his hair and shampooed it, washed it out, and combed it back into a smooth wave. Following that he cleaned up any mess he made and picked out a book to read from his digital library.

Catcher in the Rye; way overrated. Huck Finn; good, but I’ve read it like a dozen times. Fifty Shades of Grey; delete that shit, I already have 50 gigabytes of real porn saved. No, delete, didn’t know that was a book, fuck no, uh-uh, niet, nein. The Hunt for Red October; sweet, haven’t read that one in ages!

He headed for a beanbag in the corner and sat down. To turn the virtual pages, he flicked his thumbs left or right, and the pages were overlaid on his HUD as semi-transparent images, enabling him to retain situational awareness while still maintaining an experience faithful to the regular paperback.

The Red October

Captain First Rank Marko Ramius of the Soviet Navy was dressed for the Arctic conditions normal to the Northern Fleet submarine base at Polyarnyy…

Author's Note

FUN FACTS
*When I was typing the drinking battle, I had the Berry Punch desktop pony wandering across my screen to give me inspiration.
*Potassium Cyanide actually smells like bitter almonds, not the sweet kind commercially cultivated and eaten. In fact, the ability to smell this scent is a genetic trait, rather than a normal human ability.
*I couldn't find my copy of The Hunt for Red October, so I had to use the Google books version to type out the first line.
*Tom Clancy is probably my favorite author; I've been reading his books since 7th grade.
*Catcher in the Rye is fucking overrated, I had to read it last summer for school.
*I'm typing the next chapter before I move on to my superhero fic; I might even type two more chapters instead of just one more!
*FIRST!!!