Fallout Equestria: Third Shift In Flank
Intro, HI! Welcome to Flank.
Fallout Equestria: Third Shift In Flank
Intro, HI! Welcome to Flank!
Hi! I'm Rocco, the third shift supervisor for the tragically glorious Notail Motel, just outside of Hoofington, just up the street from Stable 69 bar and next to the exploded row of houses. If you get to a swamp with a mutated hydra living in it, then you have gone too far... come to think of it, you are probably dead. If that be the case, enjoy being digested. Also, if you complain about the rooms, just know that you will be asked to leave and then shot. If you steal the pillows, you will be shot and then asked to leave. If you try to proposition the owner of the motel, Caprice, you will catch various forms of STD's... and then you will need many shots.
We feature several amenities here for your comfort and enjoyment outside of an untimely death by gunfire! Rooms with working showers, sure the water is recycled through a filtration pump that has been broken for the last six months, but at least it is lukewarm! We also feature a functional in-house telephone network, one of the only ones in what is left of Equestria, of which you can use to call other rooms or even the front desk! Sometimes it even works! Beyond belief, we actually do have a laundry facility on site as well, sharing the same water source as the showers. Guess what? Yup, the water from it is also recycled! Here at the Notail Motel, we believe in being environmentally conscious, leaving no corner uncut and no water supply untainted in our neverending quest to save mon... Er I mean... set an example for others to follow!
We offer the utmost in privacy and security as well. With cameras on every floor, and in the lobby, we can monitor every aspect of your stay for later viewing. We store all of our footage on holotapes, which means that we have an near inexhaustible supply of them, keeping files on hoof for up to five years! This means when you slip off to Flank for your weekend of fun away from saving the Wasteland, you can rest easy knowing that if anything happens, we will see, record and backlog the video and attach it to your folio! We will even send a copy back to your place of permanent residence via our trained delivery trackers, no mater where you go, even if you move, they will find you! All of this comes to you at no extra charge, just one of the many services that the staff here provide for our clientele in our neverending pursuit for perfect customer service! If you want the video tapes deleted, destroyed or in a time sooner than two weeks, it will be extra!
We realize that many of the ponies who wish to stay with us also wish to enjoy the company of a member of the opposite sex, maybe even the same sex, maybe even a different race altogether. Some may even wish to spend their nights with that of a Manticore, but rest assured that we will not in any way discriminate, we do not judge! However, if your bed partner should leave in the middle of the night, feel free to proposition one of the staff, we are here to aid in ending your loneliness. Please bear in mind that additional surcharges will apply upfront and that tipping is mandatory with all late night excursions.
So, please, enjoy your stay with us here at the once beautiful Notail Motel! Myself and the staff are delighted to have you here with us for any and all of your traveling stays that you might find yourself on. While you are here, feel free to take in the sights of the town, stop by Stable 69 bar and have a drink, and please, whatever you do, don't feed the hydra.
Flank! A place to come and come again!
Sincerely,
The helpful staff of the Notail Motel.
No refunds.
Fallout Equestria: Third Shift In Flank
How To Run A Motel, With Rocco!
Fallout Equestria: Third Shift In Flank
Chapter 1: How To Run A Motel, With Rocco!
RoccoRoccs
Once upon a time, in a dank whole that was left in equestria...
"Ok, Rocco... The first thing that you need to know about this job is that it is all about the caps!" Caprice said, tapping a hoof on what little counter we had left. "If somepony wants a refund? You call security. If somepony gets rough with one of the girls? You call security. If a fire breaks out?"
"I call security?" I asked dryly.
"No, you run! They are making Dash in the basement and if this place goes up, then I highly doubt there will be much left of Flank at all."
"Got it! Run, THEN call security. Should I take the register when I run?"
"Yes... WAIT! NO! Look... Just check ponies in and do your best not to let the place burn down. I have to go see your old boss over at Megamart, so I'm going to be out for a day or two. Valkyrie is in charge until I get back, so you can get your shift information from her, got it?"
"Yes! You can count on me!"
"No, I can count on Valkyrie... That's why I left her in charge." Caprice said as she turned and trotted for the door, and with her, that foul fishy odder that always seemed to follow her around.
Valkyrie? In charge of me? That's a disturbing thought. I have heard of the things she makes ponies do in that room of her's. Caprice must be sick in the head if she thinks Valkyrie can run anything more than a damn lap around the building. I know that I have been here for less than a week, but come on! I have worked with caravans, trading posts and even spent time working for Bottle Cap over at Megamart! I have read A BOOK! That alone has Valkyrie outclassed in terms of... smart... thinks... smart-thinks! Yeah! That's it! My brain thoughts are way better than her's!
Stupid Caprice and her making other ponies lord over me by lording over them. I swear, sometimes I think it would be easier if I were to just throw my flank right into the firm grip of Fillydelphia and work as a slave. This job sucks, this chair I'm sitting on sucks, this counter sucks, the customers suck, the carpet needs to be sucked and the mares all charge too much to suck. I thought to myself as I sat down into the office chair and tried not to think of the uncomfortable 'squelch' feeling that came from my flank as I sank into the smelly foam.
Great galloping hoebags of Hoofington, how many farts had this thing seen in its time... and I'm sitting on it... I hate my life. It would better if I didn't let my mind wonder the way I do. It usually just results in either grossing me out, freaking me out or bumming me out. If you haven't gathered by now, I don't like gross things. So how I ended up working this job, I can assure you, it was not by choice. Trust me, I much rather be working back at Megamart under Bottle Cap's assistant than here renting rooms to ponies who are only going to trash the place and pee in the potted plants. Why did they have to do that!? The things are right by the desk and I have to smell it until one of the other desk clerks gets brave enough to take them out. The bathroom door is right beside the plants! Literally three steps away.
I swear, just because ponies have to spend their lives in a ruined landscape does not mean that they can just bring their bodily functional habits into my lobby. Just last week, some stupid buck tried to rent a room, just so he could use it to perform surgery on a mare with a mutated penis growing out of her shoulder! WHY! What in all that is Equestria wrong with ponies these days!? This place is not a rental clinic! He can take that shit to Megamart where everything has a price!
Great, I'm doing it again. I'm getting all worked up over some crap that happened three days ago! I have heard that working this job will render you dead inside over time, numb to the world around you and all of the foul things it holds. Personally, I don't feel that way in the slightest. If anything, working this job has thinned my skin even more than when I had gotten here. I thought haggling was bad what with all the cheap bastards out there wanting 14 caps for a bottle of water, but this place...
I looked up from my inner monologue to see a tall, thin, half dead looking buck glaring down at me. His brown eyes were sunken in so much that I bet he could manage to read his own thoughts and his filthy blond mane was filled with burs from the bushes outside.
"Hello, Welcome to the Notail..." I started
"Yeah! Save it kid. I need a room" Well... Aren't you just the chippy chipperest of assholes...
"Of course good sir. How many nights would you..." I started once more.
"Can it, piss brain! I just need it for an hour." He shouted back to me. I looked over the counter to see a short fat Earth Pony mare, had she not been smoking and missing her left ear, I would have presumed to be ten years old. The Mare could hardly be considered, well, a mare, what with her eyes pointing east and west and a slue of taint mutations riddling her lumpy body.
"You're going to have sex with... that!?" My shock and repulsion let my mouth slip.
"Hey! Don't judge me, you grey pile of shit! I get what I get!" He shouted back.
"But she's... she's... like broken and shit!?" I stammered.
"Eh, I have been called worse." The short mare said without a care.
"Look piss face, rent me the room or i'm going to pull you over the counter and make you my date for the night!"
"Right away!" I said as I reached for one of the keys on the board behind me.
"Hurry up!" Ok, you emaciated walking bag of suck... I realize that you finally found... something... that will have sex with you, but there is no need to be so rude to me. I dropped the key on the counter between us with my mouth, being sure to cover it with as much spit as I could manage in doing so.
"That will be 200 caps." I stated proudly.
"200 FUCKIN' CAPS!?" He screamed back to me. AND Que the haggling process...
"Yes, two zero, zero... Would you like a piece of paper for me to write it on sir?" I said as sardonically as I dared.
"Listen here you mangy little shit! I wouldn't even pay 200 caps for this mare, let alone to fuck her in some back alleyway motel!"
"That sounds much like a very personal problem you have towards your priorities sir. The price is firm, take it or leave it." I said, sliding the spit covered key closer to me.
"I want to speak to your manager!" Oh yeah, that will work. Caprice would take one look at you, call security, have you beaten half to death, take your caps and probably throw you in the lake with that stupid Hydra thing...
"She is gone for the day, and subsequently, tomorrow as well."
"Fine then, what about coupons? Or is this place too good to accept them?" He said in a cool level tone.
"Coupons?" I asked. There is no way that he can be serious!
"Yeah, you know... I give you a coupon and you give me a discount." Oh for the love of Luna! I am really getting sick of this shit.
"Oh! Coupons! Yes sir, we offer coupons to all of our guests!" I said, my words riddled with holes and bleeding of sarcasm.
"Excellent! Where can I get one?"
"Well, there are only two ways really. One, you can invent time travel and go back to the good ol' days when this place use to take them. Or. You can go outside, take the first two lefts and the second right to the pond and jump in. Tell the Hydra that we sent you, it will dispense them as needed."
"I don't appreciate that smart ass remark you started with. But how far is this "Hydra"?" Oh he can not be for real here...
"About a half mile, it is in a place called 'gofookyeselp', can't miss it." There is no way, no how that he will buy... The buck turned and trotted away mumbling something about 'I told you I would get a cheaper price' and trotted out of the door. I stood slack jaw to the thought of me possible just sending somepony to their death over wanting a discount. Sure the price was actually 100 caps per night, but he was rude and deserved what was coming to him if he chose to pay that much. But let him die? Maybe I should go aft... *sniff* *sniff*
"HEY! THERE IS NO PISSING. IN THE POTTED PLANTS. ALLOWED! AS OF LAST WEEK!"
"Calm down, I'm almost done here." The vile buck said to me out of the side of his face.
"Oh... you are done alright!" I shouted as I scrambled for anything to defend my plants honor with. Tape? No. Rolled up magazine of Wingboner? Why do we even have these!? AH HA! STAPLER! I grabbed the Wingline branded paper muncher with both hooves and started launching the small rusty staples, right at his groin!
"OW! WHAT THE HELL!" He shouted as he lost control of his buck-hood and began watering the floor as I chased after his with my staples of wrath!
"Come back here! I'm going to staple that donger of yours shut!" I shouted as he rounded the corner into the bathroom. Well, he can consider that a lesson learned in proper hotel decorum! I turned and started back to my desk, taking note of the now overflowing potted plant to my now right side. Celestia! Judging by the smell, whatever had just come out of him would probably kill the plant! I don't care if it is plastic or not, he needs to see a doctor! Great, it will be weeks before one of the other clerks musters the courage (or gets tired of the smell) and empties it back out again.
I stood staring at the plant, my life playing out before me in my head. What horrible course of events had lead me to this point? What supremely fucked up thing had I done in a past life to deserve a new, worse life filled with mild inconveniences!? Deciding that retrospection was best left to those who can actually write more than five words without using words like "Shit" or "fuck", I quietly found my way back to my post. It wouldn't be long now before I could go off shift and leave this festering pile in Valkyries, oh-so capable hooves, so I might as well start with counting down the till.
It was already getting dark outside, within the hour the night crowd would be coming in. Like a hoard of trotting zombies, the ponies that came in here at night feast on free coffee and my sanity, rather than brains. Truth be told I was thrilled Valkyrie would be taking my shift over, ecstatic in fact. It meant that I got to punch out and go to the bar to drink away my anger in a healthy way.
This job was slowly turning into a working habit. Wake up, go to work for caps, spend caps at the bar, back to sleep. Caprice doesn't pay well enough, but she does pay. She had found a perfect racket of getting ponies to give her money without actually dealing with them and passing the trouble on to ponies like me who just wanted to get by. I just need to find my way into such a job and I could just sit back, loaded off my ass and enjoy life!
"Hello! Earth to shit for brains!" I looked up and saw that my reinforcements had arrived.
"Valkyrie, always a pleasure to see such a beautiful smile laced in arsenic! How are we on this fine, fine, FINE evening?"
"That bad, huh?"
"Somepony pissed in the plant again."
"OOF! That's what that smell is! I thought it was just the lab wafting through the vents again."
"Nope. That's pure horse piss baby! In all it's acidic rotten glory. Been sniffing the stuff for hours! I can barely smell anything anymore! Good stuff."
"Well, if you are done with your aroma therapy, I would quite like to start my shift."
"Why the hell are you so chipper?"
"I'm in a good mood."
"And...?"
"And... i might have saw something land on the roof on my way into work."
"Now damn it Val. Those Griffons are going to be the end of you! How do they not just split you in half every time!? If the damn till comes out short again because you had to fuck a turkey and comp a room, it's your ass this time."
"Oh no! It's not a Griffon this time..."
"For the last damn time, Pegasi do not exist. They are a made up plot by the factions to have something to loosely unite them."
"NO! I'm telling you, I saw one! I real Pegasus! He had another pony on his back and they landed on the roof!"
"Val... There are not Pegasus ponies! Now you have let this feather fever bullshit go on far too damn long! Just do you job and get paid like the rest of us!" I shouted as I rounded the corner. "Now, if you are feeling sick and seeing shit, I need to know so I can cover for you. I like you Val, but you are going to let this be the end of you."
"O...OK... Sorry, I just got a little excited when I saw... Nevermind." I looked down to the now slouching Earth Pony, She was heart broken.
"Look, I'm sorry to come down on you this hard, but look. One day you are going to meet somepony, one without feathers and they are going to make you happy. Until then, just enjoy the smell." I said as I trotted off.
Nothing like leaving work, there is no feeling like it! I wish I could find a way to express my joy towards all the ponies who are no longer my problem as I leave, they deserve to know how I feel.
As my flank cleared the revolving door, I let rip with everything I had eaten in the last day or so. Ghosts of food long since past filled the revolving glass structure, leaving it smelling of something dead and still rotting. Damnit, if only there was a way to tell ponies to fuck off without saying anything.
"WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL!?" Somepony said as I was exiting the building.
"Oh that's just the coffee, it's extra strong tonight!"
I trotted away from the ruined motel in route to my home away from home. Stable 69 bar and thrill. Not the offical name, but it was the name I had for it at least. You could go and get a drink and if a fight broke out, you got a free show! sometimes it would be a buck and a mare battling it out over payment for fun times in the bathroom, others it would be a all out brawl over something a stupid as spilling a drink. Either way, the place never disappoints!
I turned and gave the old motel one last 'I hate you' look for the night and... No. No freaking way. At the counter stood a grey pony, very close to the same coat color as me in fact, with WINGS! He seemed to be smiling from what I could tell through the moss covered glass, a side effect of being near Valkyrie for too long when she was using her lust gaze. She was going to rock his world... and probably his cap stash by the end of the night.
A big part of me wanted to go back in and watch the events unfold. It's not every day you see a ponies dream come true in the form of a mythical pony with feathers. But that would mean going back inside the hell hole of a job I have. Not to mention that it would also mean that the moment Val saw me, she would without a doubt do two things. One, ask me to cover her shift and two, give me the I told you so treatment.
"Eh... fuck that." I said as I turned the corner and headed for the bar.