This day was probably the shitiest you’ve ever had, I mean there was that time that you tried to do the bucket over the door prank to your teacher in middle school. No one told you that a rope was an essential ingredient, you weren’t a fucking engineer or something. You just set a bucket of water on the top of the door, next thing you knew your algebra teacher had a concussion, you were suspended for a month and your mom had to pay for her to get twenty seven stitches. At least it got your thirteen year old ass a seat at the cool kids table even though you were a total dipshit who spent all your time playing Cubecraft and larping.
But boy are you glad you were the best larper in your small town, because your badass skills with a nunchuck totally saved your ass. It all started that afternoon, you had just been caught smoking reefer with the dudes of the chocolate persuasion at your job when an off duty cop had pulled up to the Quicky Lube you worked at, needed his douchey truck raised another three inches or something. Well one thing led to another and while running in circles around the tire displays to try and escape and the dick pulled a taser on you. The funny thing about chop shops is that there's lots of flammable shit everywhere. As you tried to run away from him, screaming about police brutality in a high pitched wail he put the thing in your back, you tumbled into some used oil and half the shop went up in smoke, you passing out in the process.
When you woke up everything was technicolor and some plant thing had its tongue down your throat. It looked like those pipe dwelling pricks from super plumber bros and it was doing something to you that most weebs would get a two inch staff of disappointment from watching.
Gurgling some profanities and choking you ripped the horrid appendage from your previously virgin lips and jumped to your feet, turning to sprint away you felt your feet catch and you ate a face full of dirt. Your head was spinning and you were being dragged backwards. Grabbing your head with both hands you groaned, “Son of bitch.”
Your head bumped against a rock jarring you out of your stupor; flipping around you saw a gaping maw a few feet from your legs. The plant was pulling you toward its mouth using its roots that were popping up out of the ground. Shrieking like a little bitch you scrambled for something to fight back with, fumbling with a branch you found on the nearby ground you shouted your mighty war cry started smashing the thing over its head with the branch, “JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!!!”
Your feet were being pulled into it’s mouth and you started to panic, pissing your pants and starting to make fake promises to allah your head slipped past its thorn like teeth. But then you saw it, your chance for salvation! The thing hanging from its mouth, the uterus if you remember your health class correctly. You stabbed furiously at it and the plant started choking expelling you from its mouth in a mess of green goop. Throwing the stick at the hacking plant you ran away crying and tripping all over the place.
After running for like ten minutes you slowed down and started looking around, this was a much darker part of the forest and you were starting to see things that weren’t there in the trees. Glancing around as you slowly creeped through the underbrush you spotted it. Nestled in a little grove was a small cottage. You heard a howl and rushed towards it. Slamming into the door you pushed inside and slammed the door shut. Turning around you saw… a zebra? Why’s it hold a pan? You figured it out as the metal connected with your skull.
“Ow, you cunt!” you cursed as you rolled over and looked up, she looked conflicted before hitting you in the head, knocking you out for the second time today. You woke up tied to a chair with itchy rope and your head was pounding. A cauldron was bubbling in front of you. Well isn't this just bloody typical, you ran into a cottage in the middle of the forest. Of course a fucking witch lived there. Taking a deep breath you used your years of accumulated mmo knowledge to formulate an escape plan. You’re first plan was waiting for a dragon to swoop down and interrupt the cutscene, you sat there for about three minutes with a smug look on your face before you realized that the plan was utterly retarded and that you probably had a concussion. Wracking your brain for a less deus ex machina plan you tried to find a way out of the ropes. Hearing a sound off in another part of the house you began sweating and started to just jerk on the rope as hard as you can while bouncing up and down in the chair. This caused you to lose balance and fall over slamming into the ground. You heard the movement in the other room stop, the zebra poked its head around the corner and apparently decided that you weren’t getting away and disappeared back behind the wall. The left side of your face was numb and you were still not any closer to getting free when the front door opened and a little purple dragon walked in. Not what you were expecting it but fuck it and fuck decent writing. Deus ex machina was officially your new favorite plot mechanism.
“Oi, little lizard,” you said in a hushed whisper yell thing, “Help me out before the chick in the other room comes back and eats me.” It didn't occur to you that you were talking to animal like it knew english but I mean you weren't exactly having a normal day. The little asshole just chuckled and called out, “Zecoraaaaa, the weird monkey is trying to get out.”
“What the fuck dude,” you said glaring daggers at him. He ignored you and went back outside while you started jerking on the ropes again like a 12 year old with his first erection. You managed to get one hand free as he walked back inside with a box. You kept the hand behind you to hide that you were about bust out of this fucked up shanty and tried to act like you angry and still struggling. The dragon walked around the corner that the zebra was on the other side of and you untied your other hand and legs. Getting up in a crouch you started to slowly back away to the door while watching the corner. Reaching back and starting to push it open slowly while your heart thudded in your chest. You were so close, you were gonna make it! You heard a feminine voice clear its throat behind you. Turning around slowly like you were caught raiding the fridge by the villain in a Shaggy Doo cartoon, you came face to crotch with a another little abomination. A small purple unicorn looked up at you like she was inspecting a new breed of insect.
“Uh hi,” You nervously chuckled. You saw her face light up and disturbingly her eyes get even bigger than their already massive size.
“It can talk!” her horn lit up and suddenly you were floating as she walked inside suspending you above her as she called into the house, “Zecora, why didn’t you tell me it could talk.”
“Hey what the fuck! Put me down,” You ordered as she used her weird thought power to pick the seat you had knocked over back and placed you in it. Her purple cloud thing that was surrounding you went away as she got uncomfortably close, poking your ribs opening you mouth and staring inside. Slapping at her prodding hooves you gave her an indignant look which she ignored and started inspecting your hands. While you were being eye raped the other two walked back in the room. While you were watching them the purple horse with the lack of respect for personal space pulled up your shirt to look at your chest. The sudden extra invasion of your personal pushed you over the line and you got up with a start. The dragon looked concerned while the zebra just stood watching.
“Why do you wear all these clothes?” The question came from below you, turning to look at the unicorn you stammered a bit before being interrupted by the dragon.
“Zecora wants to apologize,” he said looking up at the zebra.
“I did not mean you any harm but your intrusion into my house did little to charm,” she said in a very different accent then the other two.
“Whats with the rhyming?” you asked because apparently that was the most pressing issue.
“It’s just how she talks,” the dragon replied while pulling some gems out of a sack and eating them.
The purple unicorn who is still inside your personal bubble speaks up, “My name is Twilight Sparkle and that’s Spike.”
You blink and stare down at her, “Anon;” she beams up at you.
Suddenly materializing a quill and parchment she starts to take notes, “How’d you get here, I’ve never seen a creature like you before.”
“Uh, where’s here?” you ask while scratching the back of your head, wincing when you touch the lump forming on the side of your head.
“Well Equestria of course,” She giggles as if it was completely obvious and while looking up at you expectantly.
“Where’s that from Detroit?”
“Dee-what?”
About an hour of back and forth later you had explained what had happen while being peppered with questions like what’s a taser and why is marijuana illegal. Answering as best as you could she finished up notes and the dragon, Spike, had burned it with green fire and the two led you back to town after bidding Zecora goodbye.
Everywhere you looked were colorful horses that looked at you like you were going to eat them. Lazily following behind the two caricatures while taking in the sights you eventually came to a tree on the other side of town that had been hollowed out into a house yet was still alive apparently. Once inside you were offered a shower which you gladly accepted, while Twilight washed your clothes with some spell or something. The hot water felt good on your scratched skin. You were focusing on getting dried goo out of your hair when you saw something pink in the drain. Reaching down to try and pull it out the head of one of the horses popped out with a big smile, “HEY!”
“Holy Fuckballs,” you yelled as your life flashed before your eyes as you fell, yup it was a really shitty day, your head cracked against the shower wall and for the third time that day you were in a blunt force trauma induced slumber.
Shooting the Shit with Spike
You the AN to the ON are strolling down a red carpet adding some spins and throwing spiderman 3 finger guns like weaponized sex appeal. Mares swooned to your left and right. Stallions popped full on boners when you gave them a cool nod. Children weren’t allowed within a block of you. Not because you were a predator, as far as the ponies knew, but because your mere presence was rated twenty one and above by the pony communication commission. You were walking sex and you loved it.
You made your way down the carpet after a few pictures in your classy jinco jeans and affliction long sleeve shirt. In big bold letters surrounded by thorny rose vines and black angels wings were the words ‘MARE LOVE’. When you reached the door at the end of the carpet you turned and threw you middle fingers up in the air and the crowd lost its mind and started chanting, “fifteen! Fifteen! Fifteen!” You moon walked backwards through the doors, the ponies outside still barely audible.
Walking down the halls you found the dressing room with a big green star and headed in, taking a seat in plush white hair salon chair you gazed at your sexy ass self. God you loved you, but not as much as these ponies loved you. Popping your neck you let a content sigh leave your lips as two sexy ass neighsian mares walked in shutting the doors behind themselves. One had blue with a pink mane and the other the opposite. The Blue one cleared her throat and addressed you. “Hello Mr. Mare Love, we’re here to get you ready for the show.”
You smiled at her and caressed her chin. “Excellent,” you glanced at the pink one, “Sisters?”
The pink one smiled back with a blush and replied, “Twins.”
“Most Righteous.”
Just over fifteen minutes later you C walked out of the room, the scent of thoroughly satisfied mares and your Gucci for Stalions cologne wafting behind you like sirens song as you walked up to the backstage curtains to wait for your que. You listened as Late Night chatted up Ra Ra, talking about her new single and the clothes she was wearing. He started to ask her about her love life, “So Colatura, there’s been murmurs that you’ve found a new stallion.”
She laughed into a hoof with a light blush and nodded as he proceeded with the questions. “Any chance you’ll tell us who?”
A playful glint came to her eyes as she made a show of pretending to think about it. “Well I could tell you, but he’s going to be here in just a moment I believe. Why don't you ask him?”
The crowd let out an scandalous oooohhhhhhhhh while Late Night made an amusing shocked face that reminded you of Chris Pratt. “Well why don't we invite him up here then!”
You walked out on stage with a wave, a mare passed out in the front row as the crowd went nuts. You sat down between the two of them and Late Night spent a few minutes getting the audience to calm down. “So Mare Love, can I call you Anon?”
“You know you can LN,” You replied cooly.
“So are you and Colatura an item now?” he asked while setting his front hooves on his desk.
“You could say that,” you replied as you winked to her, “It’s amazing what a night in Prance can do; isn’t that right RaRa?”
She giggled into her hoof again before you pulled her closer to you and wrapped an arm around her neck, resting it on her back as she sat on her hooves next to you on the couch.
Late Night continued with his questions, asking you about the latest gossip, some predecided funny stories to share before coming to your career, “So Anon, where does it come from; the inspiration for your songs and acting.”
You weren’t going to tell him the truth of course, the ponies would flip out if they knew it was all stolen from earth. Your music from Eminem and Coldplay, your acting from tons of famous actors back home all tweaked just enough to fit equestrian culture and not be too vulgar, just enough to shake the scene up a bit. So you hit him with the tried and true bullshit, you explained that it came from your childhood and life experiences and they all ate it up. When asked you explained that the fifteen chant came from how long you lasted in bed on average much to the shock of Late Night who thought it was only a rumor and it continued on from there as talk shows always do. The show was winding down so you leaned over and gave RaRa a little kiss to send them into a frenzy once more, but as you leaned back instead of RaRa, a tall dark alicorn sat in front of you with a disappointed and judging glare. “Really, Anon?”
You leaned back with a confused face while the crowd kept shouting fifteen as everything blurred and you started to wake up.
You came to with bright light in your eyes and pebbles in your back. Opening your eyes you saw Spike and a worried looking Scootaloo leaning over you. You stared at them and they stared back at you before she asked a question, “Anon why were you mumbling fifteen over and over again?”
Sitting up you cleared your throat and dodged the question, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You started to dust yourself off as you stood up and looked around. You were standing in the middle of the road in ponyville market, “What happened?”
“Scootaloo hit you with her scooter,” came Spikes reply.
Groaning you rubbed your face and walked over to the nearby fountain to splash some water on said face. “I think I’m going to head back to the library.”
Scootaloo ran over and jumped up on your legs like a small puppy. The flightless little bird horse looking up at you with big eyes, “I’m sorry Anon I didn’t mean to!”
You pet the little floof and give her a small smile, you were an ass but you found it hard to be mean to the foals. They were far too pure. “It’s cool scoots I just need to rest for a bit.”
She nods back and hops down to go collect her scooter and heads back off down the street, telling you she’ll see you later. Spike walks up to you and looks at you expectantly. Shrugging you walk off in the direction of the library and motion for him to follow you. A short walk later and you’re back home, you kick off your shoes and flop on the couch, purple boi sitting down next to you. You fish your phone out of your pocket and connect it to the magic projector twilight had set up. Shortly after arriving you found it still worked, well sort of. Apparently the ambient magic of the world charged it through the wireless charging in the back of it. A shady deal with Discord later and it was once again connected to the internet of your home, you of course tried to get help from the other side but everyone wrote you off as being a troll or a lunatic. Seeing as you had no close family members or friends to confide in you just gave up. But you did have fun sending a nasty reply back to your boss when he sent you an email demanding you come in to work or get fired.
You scrolled through some shows online and finally decided on some cartoon about kids fighting a supercomputer trying to take over the world; you didn’t want to traumatize spike with ninety percent of human media, at least not yet. You’d save it for a boring day. You whiled away a few hours watching the cartoon with an admittedly decent story and bomb soundtrack before falling asleep, this time thankfully with no weird interruptions to your dreams.
When you wake up spike is watching a Katt Williams special, you shrug and roll back over, it should be mostly harmless. That is until spike asks you what blueberry weed is and your cringe. Sitting up you pause the video. “Is it like poison joke?”
You shake your head, having had an unfortunate experience with that just recently. “No spike it’s just a flower that makes people happy when they eat it or burn it. Remember when I told Twilight about how I got here?”
The dragon looked at you with recognition. “Ohhhhh, that mary-wants-a stuff.”
“Yes spike the mary-wants-a stuff.”
“You never told me why it was illegal.”
“The government said it was dangerous because of politics or something.” You replied while getting up to get a glass of water.
“Why would they do that if it’s not dangerous?”
“Some power move or something.”
“So kind of like the the snobby ponies in Canterlot, the lords and stuff.”
“Yup, they were always doing shady stuff.”
“Were your royalty bad ponies?”
You sit back down and take a few sips. “We didn’t have a monarchy. We had a democracy, the people voted on who would lead.”
He looks back at you confused again. “But why would they vote for people who only wanted power?”
“That’s a complicated question little bro, see money was really what gave people power in our world and people with money were the ones who really got to decide who was elected. The short of it is that they could pay people to tell lies or ignore things and pretty much controlled everything that way. Starting wars over religion and resources was really common.”
“Oh I remember reading about old religions in one of Twilights books, what kind of religions did you have back home?”
Now you knew you had done it, you didn’t expect him to be so interested in that particular part. “Ok Spike, this conversation stays between us but since I’m actually kind of enjoying talking about all of this stuff I’ll explain.” You started to explain about the major religions and why they fought all the time to Spike, occasionally coming to a question you didn’t know the answer to. You explained to him about the wars in the middle east and how extremists would twist religion into something to start fights, but that most religious people were good people, you didn’t want him thinking humans were just violent, even if it was kind of true. You stayed as far away from judaism as you could, that can of worms was not getting opened on your watch.
After about an hour of discussions and a few surprisingly astute observations and debates with Spike about morals and duty the conversation winded down and eventually died with Spike’s final statement. “I don’t think I like your world.”
You busted up at that for a few minutes, the absolute absurdity of you explaining your worlds geopolitics to an underage dragon suddenly settled in your mind.
“That’s fair enough.”
He looked back over to you and he seemed nervous so you decided to ask him about it. “What’s up?”
He chewed on his cheek a bit and looked to the side before meeting your eyes, “wanna go buy some drugs?”
Author's Note
Did some proof reading, should be better now.
